by J Haney
Rónán smiles, and the waitress leaves us. “I’ll be right back.’ He gets up taking his bag with him.
“Did you see all the candy walking in? Can we get some?” Finn asks while I look around.
“I saw they had a lot of neat things. Maybe we can look after we eat, okay?”
“Can I have dessert?”
“After all the junk you’re about to be eating? I think not.”
“Do you think Rónán’s going to buy anything?”
“I don’t know Nolan; can’t you just be for a few minutes? You haven’t shut up since we sat down.” I snap and instantly feel sorry. “Listen, I didn’t mean to snap. It’s-I’ve got a headache, and you’re not helping at the moment.” I rub my head looking down at the table.
“Hey, you need to calm your tits.” I hear Rónán whisper-shout, his hand on the back of my chair. “Snapping on the kid ain’t doin’ nobody any good. Here, Nolan. You got ten minutes to spend fifty bucks. Make it count.” He sits, and Finn looks at me.
“I’d already told him we’d look after we ate. I apologized for snapping. I have a headache, and he’s not stopped with the questions since you got up. Why in the hell am I explaining myself to you?”
“All the more reason to let him get up and walk off his energy. You and I need to talk anyhow.” Rónán leans into me as our drinks, and my salad comes.
“Fine, you can look, but that’s it. If someone grabs you, you scream and scream loud.”
“Thank you!” He says excitedly to Rónán and then is off.
Once he’s out of earshot, I speak. “What happened now?”
“It’s not about what happened; it’s about what’s happening. You got a raw deal, and it sucks.” His voice is low, deep, and gravely. “Don’t you think you can take it out on the kid and then just apologize like it was nothing. You are his world now, whether you tell him about your old man or not, deep down in his bones he already knows. You’re both fucked so maybe lose the chip.”
“I didn’t mean to snap, and naturally, I don’t snap on him. He can tell you as much. It’s already been a long day, and it’s not over yet, unfortunately. The school did give me a list of stuff he needs. I’ve got a headache. I don’t get them often, but when I do they hit me hard. Okay?”
“He’s told me you got a temper if you gotta unleash it, better on me. You get me?”
“A temper, yes but not toward him. It’s usually about him. I didn’t keep quiet about hating the life I was raised in. When they started training him, I flipped. You can think what you want, and with the look on your face right now you think I’m telling you one. I’m not. That boy is my life has been since the day he was born. I was young, but I still knew I would be his protector come hell or high water.” I have to take a deep breath and a drink of the coke I ordered because my temper is really starting to flair and I’m getting a little twitchy. I can see him chewing the inside of his cheek. Before he can speak again out comes the food and back comes Finn with a shopping bag full of things. I ground my teeth together, and I stand.
“Sit with Rónán; I’ll be back.”
I don’t say anything else, just walk away. I get into the bathroom and to a stall just as the tears fall. In my head, all I hear is “You stupid girl; crying makes you weak. You’ve got to be strong to be in this family.” Scarpitti, the man most often with my Dad never ceased to remind us of this. This family is the reason I have headaches. All their stupid rules. Don’t cry. Never show weakness. Stand up straight, never slouch. Sometimes a girl just needs to be alone. I love my brother, but I hate my life. I hate the cards I’ve been dealt. I’ve mostly been a good kid. Straight A’s in school. Still a virgin, not for the lack of trying.
Once I’m done shedding the tears, I clean myself up and make my way back to the table. Rónán and Finn are already eating. Or well Finn is.
“Sorry about that, I seem to not be feeling well. How much candy did you get?”
“Enough to last a night.”
I quirk my brow at him. “Just a night?”
Finn shrugs. “Maybe more.”
I look over at Rónán. “Your foods getting cold. Why aren’t you eating?”
“I’ve a thing about eating when half the party is missing. I’ll eat when you do.”
I pick up my fork and take a bite of my salad. “You can eat now.”
“So it would seem.” He replies over the top of his tea with milk.
***
Finn’s at school and I’m now a Walmart greeter and cashier. Let me start off by saying Rónán sucks for talking me into filling out this app. Today, I’m a greeter and probably for at least the rest of the week while they work on getting my numbers and such. They did a drug test, and background check. Thankfully I was able to pass a five-year background check. I have to give Rónán props on that, but I’ll never tell him so.
Rónán flusters me, but Finn likes him. Finn’s always asking him to stay for dinner or to play games with him. Rónán does. We really don’t say much to one another. We talk in front of Finn and just before he leaves. He flusters me. There’s something about him that makes my body go on high alert when he’s around.
This is what I’ve spent my day thinking about. I need to figure out how to start showing Rónán we’re okay. But how?
Fingers snap in front of my face bringing me back to the here and now. “Hey, you Noel?” A guys voice breaks through the hum of the overhead air condenser.
“Who’s asking?”
“I’m Carlo; Martin told me to let you take your fifteen. Though you looked like you were already out to lunch.”
“Oh, sorry first day-” I’m suddenly stunned stupid when I look into Carlo’s eyes. They’re this light blue with just a hint of green. It’s like he sees straight to my soul. “Seems I’ve got a lot on my mind. Thank you for letting me know.” I smile.
“No problem.” He’s got a wide full-lipped smile as he looks me up and down. “They show you the break room?”
“Not yet, just that it was back by where we clock in and out, right?”
He nods slightly. “Sorta, they hide it by Lay-a-way. Come on. I’ll buy ya a coke from the vending machine.”
“Lead the way.” It couldn’t hurt to let a pretty boy buy me a drink.
10 Rónán
Payday. It’s been three excruciatingly awkward weeks of seek and avoid. Noel and Nolan have settled in, she’s working, and I got him on a schedule where I see more of him than I do her. That is the best course of action. My ambivalence toward her is dangerous; she’s too young to have some of the thoughts I’ve had. Though one can’t fault himself for feverish dreams, he can feel the weight of their guilt. On one hand, I look at her, and I see a curvaceous goddess of the fields and then she opens her mouth, and I’m reminded that she is but a maid, and I have no right to break her trust in me with my lustful ideas. Yes. Best to keep my distance. Today though she needs to go open a bank account so we can get her identity solid with her checks. Sure I could cash them, but if she’s gonna move on from here and use this new facade, she needs to be able to actually maneuver it.
I’m waiting outside Walmart when I see her come out. She’s not alone. With her is a scrawny swoopy haired guy with a pair of dick sucking lips. My eyes instantly narrow as they laugh and he hip bumps her, hugging her sideways.
“See ya later, Packer.” He hollers, and she finger waves before bouncing over to me and getting in the truck.
“Who’s that?” I ask coyly as we pull away and I memorize his license plate.
“He’s one of the CSM’s. We’ve become friends.”
“Uh, huh. He your only friend? I mean Nolan has like three girlfriends and half a basketball team following him around already.”
“I talk to plenty of people.”
“I just want to be sure you’re taking care of yourself, is all. So how’s that budget we worked out?” Noel and I sat down right after she got hired and figured out her money to the penny. She could live well beyond her means
for the next two years or stay comfortable and get out of dodge fast if she stayed humble. She’s opting for something in between. I don’t blame her, coming up like royalty I wouldn’t want to give up things either. “I made you an appointment with Sulee over at Angel Tips, for four-fifteen. It will put you done in time for me to grab Nolan at Tai-Kwan- do.”
“Are you sure you weren’t a chauffeur in another life? You’re so good at it. Thank you for doing what you do. As for my budget, it’s going really well. I haven’t even had to buy lunch this week.”
My grip tightens on the steering wheel a tad. Then I turn up the air as its rather hot in my button-down. It may be time to modify the dress a bit. “So you’ve got a generous friend then. No harm in that.”
“I need to save every penny I can, right? So, if I can smile and get fed. I call that a win.”
I shake my head; this girl plays a dangerous game.
We square her at the bank, with all the needed papers it doesn‘t take long. She sets up a direct deposit, and in seven to ten days will get her very first debit card. “Noel Packer officially exists as a full-fledged tax-paying member of society.” I chuckle as we leave the bank.
“Woohoo! Not that I made like a ton of money. Though I don’t have any at all of this one, you get it.” She laughs. “Oh, crap I meant to grab a cake.”
The date flashes in my head Nolan’s real birthday, not the one I gave him, is today. “You know we can’t really celebrate it, not as he’d like. Though we could swing by Cold stone, and I could make whatever he likes food-wise. I can show you how as well, so you can do more cooking, and less ordering take out.”
“I made hot dogs the other night I have you know. I know, but he’s asked about it. I can’t just do nothing.”
“So we get a cake, make a special dinner, it’s more than some kids get. It’s a special day all around anyway. You’re first paycheck, his big one, oh. Yeah, a Cold stone cake is just the thing. You call them, and I’ll get it.”
“Thanks, I’m sure he’d like that. So, um-” She clears her throat. “What do I do about F-Nolan since schools out?”
“Well, since you are so bent over Fred and have avoided your helpful lesbian neighbors, you’ve alienated a resource for babysitting. Fortunately for you, he’s signed up for basketball and baseball camp, so that covers Monday through Friday eight o’clock till three and lunch is included. The bus picks up just like school, so he’ll be gone before you most days. It’s afternoons and weekends you need help. I suppose I can bring him to the shop, and we can pick you up after.”
“Won’t that be inconvenient for you?”
“It’s not ideal, but what can ya do? Besides, I signed him up for all this stuff, gotta make sure he goes. It wasn't exactly cheap.”
“Should I mention you signed him up and then told me you did it?”
“No real sense in it, now is there, wee bird?” I pull up to the house and Nolan is sitting on the stairs. “We are making him and me keys today too. I lost my set.”
“Why do you need a set?”
“In case of an emergency. You never know if something is gonna happen and I may need access. Don’t worry; I’ll always knock first. I never just walk in on Jaynet and Ainslee.”
“I’m betting there isn’t anything going on in my place like it is theirs.”
I smile, but say nothing as Nolan gets in.
11 Onóra
Tonight is Finn’s actual birthday, not as Nolan but him. He asked me if we could do something for our real birthdays and I told him we’d do cake and ice cream. That was all he really needed him and me. Oh and Rónán, of course. Finn decided he wanted ravioli. He loves any kind of pasta dish, which just goes to show his Italian side. To snack on we have Reuben-style Irish nachos. Dad always made sure we had a mix of both Italian and the Irish.
Apparently, while I was at my nail appointment, Rónán picked everything up. He’s going to show me how to make stuff we ate weekly. Or so he says. The meal we’re having tonight I can almost make with my eyes closed. Our birthdays were the only day dad was in the kitchen. The staff would be off for the night, and it’d just be the three of us. Honestly, I think Finn and I enjoyed that more than the pool parties dad always threw for the family. We had friends too, but since dad was the right-hand man for the boss, everyone was always there.
We’re home, I just ran through a shower because every day after work I smell like dirty people. I swear people do not bathe properly. After I finish I let Finn know he can get in so I can get dressed and work on dinner. I’ve got on pink silk pj's with black lace around them. It’s shorts and a cami.
In the month I’ve been working I did buy a radio because we have to have music. I turn it on as I walk into the living room. Good Girls Go Bad comes on as I slide past Rónán to grab a few things from the fridge to start food. I’m dancing and singing to the music. It’s something I love, music. Singing, dancing. It was something I could do in my room that couldn’t be taken from me.
I get back to the counter space and Rónán is watching me. “What?”
He just smiles and drops his gaze. “Nothin’.”
“Okay.” I shrug. “Should we get started on the ravioli? It takes longer than the nachos do.”
“Sure, we should have done this at my place. If just for the space.” He grabs the flour and drops it on the counter. “You want to do the dough or the filling?”
“The dough needs to be done first. So, I guess the dough.”
“Spot on. Now, where are your measuring cups?” He looks around curiously. “Ah- fuck all. Just pour it; we can add more eggs if you need to.” He pours a mound of flour on to the wiped down the countertop and digs a hole in the middle. “That’s like two cups, give or take. Use two whole and like four yolks.” He places the eggs next to me and heads for the fridge.
I crack two eggs into the middle of the flour. The yolks, though, have always been a problem for me. I start trying to separate the yolks from the egg white and end up with it all over me.
I hear laughter. “Stop! I can’t take it anymore. Drink this.” He tosses a bottle of water at me. I drop the egg into one hand and catch the bottle with the other.
“Turn the sink on will ya? I mean you.” Being around Rónán like we are my Irish is starting to slip. Rónán turns the sink on so I can clean my hand of the egg. “You know I should rub this all over your face for laughing.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time I wound up with egg on my face because of a woman.” He watches me drink the water. “A’ight now watch.” He grabs the bottle of water finishes it and then cracks an egg into a small bowl. Next thing I know he sucks the yolk up with a gentle squeeze of the empty bottle! “Now you let it slide out to the mix.” He looks up at me from his bent position, and the light hits his blue-green eyes.
Oh Lord Jesus, his eyes are more mesmerizing than Carlo’s. I wonder what it would be like if Rónán cupped my cheeks or hugged me as Carlo does. I have to give myself a mental shake before I'm giving it all away.
“I think I can do this.” I follow the way Rónán did it and still make a mess. He just shakes his head and laughs. I’ve made it through the mixing as sticky and awful as it was, now I’m kneading the dough. Well sort of, I don’t like the texture between my fingers, so I’m sort of just poking at it.
“I thought you were an Italian?”
I stiffen feeling hands cover mine as his voice filters into my ear. “Here, for Christ’s sake, you gotta get deep into the dough.” His hands eclipse mine, fingers lace over mine.
I lick my lips as I feel Rónán's chest press into my back. Holy fuck! You may not be able to tell from the clothes he wears, but he’s solid. My God just put me out of my misery now. Just as I try to bring my attention back to our hands, the song Talking Body comes on. I take a quick inhale of breath as Rónán’s hand slides up my arm, but his body is flush against mine. I drop my head back against his chest. His breath glides over my neck. His scent is minty like he's chewing gum and it's m
ixed with a citrus. God, I could just…
“Hey, Rónán, do you want to play Call of Duty?” Finn asks just before we see him.
We pull away from one another quickly, and I turn the radio off before excusing myself. I walk as casually as one can even though they'd much rather run. I wash my hands in the bathroom then quickly get to my room and close the door. I need to breathe but can't seem to catch my breath. What the hell was all that?
12 Rónán
I need to be leashed. Though the boy is the perfect cock block. I damn near crossed a serious line tonight. It was just the music was playing, she was droppin’ her hints of Irish just as readily as the straps to her tank. I mean the top wasn’t goin' nowhere for the size of the rack inside, but the mind wanders anyhow. Seeing her hips sway. Touching her was probably not the right move, but I had to, I couldn’t stop m’self. I would have touched her more if Nolan hadn’t come out. I’d have had handfuls of her for the thirty minutes the dough had to rest. I’d have had her panting and begging… Ugh! No. She’s a kid. I should go. Just leave now before I do any more damage.
“Is mom, ok? Is her temper about to get the best of her? If so I should go watch. They get funny.”
“Um- she’s okay, just was deep in the flour mix for your ravioli. She should be out in a sec.” I look toward the bedroom hall, having stepped into the living room to see Nolan better. “You wanna pack down the Reuben nachos?”
“Do I have to? I like eating, but I hate making the food. That was her thing-” He points behind him. “With ou-her dad.”
“Boy, did I seriously hear you practically say that’s woman’s work? You will not always have a mom around to cook and clean up after your trifflin’ ass; you need to learn to pick up and do for you. What the fuck would ya do if she died? Huh? Where would ya be then?”
“ Sorry. I was just saying that was her thing. We had something else. I'd be there while they were cooking, but I didn't like it.”
