He hid the internal wince at the pain-filled thought.
Setting them into the middle of the clearing, he relaxed his hold enough to reach for her and brush a kiss to her temple. “The stars are yours.”
“I didn’t feel it at all,” she replied with a pleasurable gasp, filled with astonishment as she glanced around then looked up into his face. Moonlight gleamed off the fairness of her skin. Supple and pink, her lips glistened and her eyes sparkled, reflecting the tiny flames of the stars overhead. He couldn’t remember seeing a more bewitching sight. If there was a God, he was torturing him because in that moment, the only thing he wanted was to taste her kiss again when he knew he shouldn’t, when he knew he didn’t have the right. Desire clawed up his frame, emboldened by the endless wants she created within him. He kept his lips shut, hiding the worst of it from her. There were a few wants and reactions he had very little control over when it came to the woman in his arms. He didn’t want her to fear any part of him. Looking beyond her, over her shoulder, he fought his demons down.
He won, but only barely. Shivers rocked him anyway when her fingers slid down his shoulders as she released him.
“Who is the woman you mourn?”
He blinked, stunned by her question. She pressed tender fingertips to his mouth even though he couldn’t think of a single way to answer her, taken too thoroughly by surprise.
“Don’t be upset. I’ve seen her in your memories. She’s beautiful, but so distant. I haven’t tried to pry, but you think of her often.”
Offering his hand, she twined them without hesitation, both turning to walk in any direction. An owl hooted off in the darkness. “She was my wife.”
“Your wife? What happened?”
“When we were young, we left Portugal for California. Her uncle had a rancho and had offered us a home and work. The world was still very untamed then,” he explained, although a little wistfully, pondering on the advances he’d witnessed since then and not all of them good. “The journey was long and hard on her. She didn’t survive being at sea for so long and, shortly after she perished, the ship wrecked. Only a few survived.”
She wound her free hand around his arm, offering support. “It must have been awful watching her die.”
He bathed in her compassion and she gave it without hesitation. “It was the worst time of my life, until I was attacked.” His voice grew cold. “Then I learned I was wrong.”
Lily paused and stepped in front of him to study him. “You look young, until I look into your eyes.”
“I was thirty-four the year we boarded. I’m not quite as old as Diego, though,” he told her with a playful grin. Her dark, fawn eyes sparkled up at him with the shared humor.
“You don’t sound like him. You do have an accent, but you talk different. More like everyone else. Until you’re worried,” she tacked on with a knowing glance.
He chuckled, urging her to walk again, admitting his one secret no one else would ever know. “I found one invention that stumped me when it was created. Television. For almost four years straight I tried to imagine why and how the people could be inside. I listened and watched. I used to try to mimic John Wayne and a few others. The whole process fascinated me. Eventually, I discovered the reels, the cameras, and it made sense. The last movie I saw was a few months ago, but it still seems incredible to me. It’s a long stretch of evolution from the time I came from.”
“You watch movies?” That seemed to take her completely by surprise when she didn’t just stop, but jerked to a halt.
“Haven’t you?” He arched an eyebrow, then lifted a hand to sweep her hair away from the side of her face so he could see her expressions. He loved watching the rise and fall of her thoughts on her features.
* * * *
“Of course.” Lily shook her head, a very rich laugh rising from her. “You are not what I would have expected if someone had jumped up and yelled vampire.” She pressed into him, lifting her face with her eyes closed to feel the butterfly brush of the breeze against her skin. A too short moment later, she began to walk again.
Movies? Never saw that one coming.
Lily strolled next to him, enjoying the crisp feeling of the mountain air, her thoughts rambling to all sorts of topics. The clearing was easily a mile wide, and she could see the tops of the mountains in the distance. Boulders and fallen trees lay to one side, like the mountain had at one time shaken and that was where everything loose had landed. It was a beautiful place to be and partly why she had asked to come there. The rest were reasons that she was still trying to fathom and come to grips with. Decisions she’d been weighing, actions needing deliberate thinking.
She’d been skirting around the real questions all night. Whether he knew or not that she was avoiding something, he didn’t let on that he knew. The firmness of his arm beneath her hand was solid, warm and supportive. The hand entwined with hers was gentle, cradling. Shivers rocked her every time he stroked his thumb across her. It kept bringing his kiss to mind. The one that she couldn’t forget. The one that made her want more.
She knew she had to be going insane. He was a vampire, for all that was holy! Silently, she cursed and swore, not that it helped her any. Her body still went up like a flame when he touched her, when he held her. She knew her whole body had ignited when he had kissed her. It wasn’t frightening to her that it had been him, a vampire, to make it happen.
What frightened her was that it could end. The thought of anyone else getting close still disturbed her to the point she knew she was allowing her fears to have too much control. But she didn’t want to test her theory only to find out she wouldn’t ever be able to stand anyone else’s touch again either. She wasn’t an idiot—most days. She knew she was attracted to the contemplative man next to her. Knowing all of that about herself didn’t stop the fears from rearing up, though, wanting to slice through any happiness she may have. The last three years had left a mark on her soul. There was no way to outrun it, no way to separate herself from it. The progress she had made was something to be proud of. She was walking with another person, a man who was quickly becoming a friend unlike any other when, right after the rescue, she could scarcely stand to look, talk or move for anything or anyone.
A wolf howled in the distance and a second matched its cry, both carrying over the trees with a beautiful night song echo that had her turning to hear it better.
“I bet this kind of wilderness is like what it was in your time.”
He rolled a shoulder. “Some. It does bring back the memories, but they are old. Many things are simply gone.”
Sadness. It was still lingering on him, as much as her fear lingered on her. She drew a breath to ask her next question. “If I had not happened, would you have gone through with it?”
She felt his twitch through the hand she held, giving away his surprise at her query. Proof he wasn’t hanging from the rafters of her thoughts tonight. Her eyes misted a little at the effort of privacy when she knew it was almost a need, like breathing was for her, for him to know how she was doing and how he could make it better for her.
“Yes.”
This time, when she stopped, she planted herself in front of him. “Do it.”
“Do what?” His eyes widened and he looked at her, absolutely lost.
Her intention became clear when she tilted, swiping her hair clear from her neck. “I’m thrusting my fear to Hell,” she said, her throat raw as emotions bombarded her. It made perfect sense to her. “I entrust you with my life, Joaquin. The same way you put yours in my hands that night. You said a blood bond would make a concrete connection.” She lifted her eyes, seeking his, then dropping them, baring her neck, and her soul. “I offer mine to you to make that connection real.” Then, she stood still and waited.
The last thing she was expecting was for him to shove her away.
“No!”
Devastated, she couldn’t grasp what she’d said to create such an explosive rejection. Her heart shriveled as her insides turned t
o ice. The scars. They were everywhere. Agonized tears filled her eyes. She’d blissfully forgotten about them with the way he looked at her, with the way he kissed her, forgotten how truly broken she was. How could she have forgotten? How could she have dared to move above them when she would always suffer for them? Pain and anger rose from her past, blinding her to the hurt in his eyes.
She ripped her hands through her hair, making it fly in all directions. “You’re right. What was I thinking?” she nearly shouted, rage filling her in the chilled and agonized depths where she could still feel, shriveling beneath the reality that she’d blissfully, if mistakenly, been able to forget how she looked. “I’m damaged, scarred.”
“No! That’s not why—”
Fury flashed against her clenched vision until she swore she saw lightning bolts wreaking havoc in the sky. “Isn’t it?” Sobs racked her as memories shackled her around her throat and shook her. Roaring filled her ears and she slapped her hands over them to try to stop the wailing shrieks and cruel words. She sank to her knees. “Make it stop!”
“Lily!” Firm hands tugged at her wrists, but she fought him, fought the pressure, clawing at the person in front of her, fighting for her life.
“No! Don’t touch me!” She screamed, seeing nothing but the faces of the men of her past as they mocked her, held her down, pinned her and abused her. She whipped her head in remembered pain with the feeling of a lash slicing her back.
“Lily!”
She heard nothing, too encased in the memories as they swelled and crashed across her vision and attacked her body. Memories she’d spent hours of every day, days of every week, trying to forget, trying to move beyond their hideous stranglehold. Memories of so much pain, so real she felt the sharp slice of each cut to her skin, every brutal fist and degrading touch. Tumbling deeper into a well she’d almost managed to control, she trembled violently, lost to the remembered tortures.
A single touch on her forehead swept it all away with a blanket of nothing and then she fell slack to an utter silence.
Chapter Eleven
Holding her like a cherished gift, Joaquin cradled her to his body like the fragile heart he knew she was as he approached the house. The front door opened before him and he ensured it closed with a bare thought to the outside world. No one was downstairs to watch him, or they would have seen the complete devastation he couldn’t remove from his features.
In her room, he laid her down with tender care on the bed and lovingly brushed the hair away from her tear ravaged face.
He had done that to her. Somehow, he had caused her to relive the pain of her imprisonment. Through their bond, he had felt every single sting of the whip, every painful violation of her body as they overwhelmed her. It was no less than he deserved.
“Forgive me, corazón. I never meant for you to suffer.” He knelt and closed his eyes to silently beg for the forgiveness he didn’t deserve.
It had been a knee-jerk reaction to push her away because he had been fighting that very hunger since their kiss. Call it a need, an urge, a clawing driving force—they all could be used to describe the way he craved to do just what she wanted. To solidify the bond they shared.
To make her his, unquestionably.
He wanted her like no one else. He desired her with a depth that obliterated any memory. The want to touch, taste, please, worship was an endless ache of hunger in his blood, in his body. Hiding his reactions from her had become a full time torture, his only respite was when he had no choice, when the sun was high.
The flutter of her hand landing on his cheek startled him. He hadn’t realized he’d been kneeling with his head pillowed on her stomach.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her voice graveled and raw from her outbursts.
“Do not apologize.” He said it firmly, fighting to make the words happen, so close to tears himself he wasn’t sure he could stop them. Lifting to see her clearly, her hand followed and he cupped her hand to his face, grateful for the simple contact. “I hurt you. The last thing I would want on this earth is to cause you more pain.”
“I know.” A slow breath made her body rise and fall in front of him. “I’m tired,” she murmured, turning away. Tawny eyes opened only briefly, flat and devoid of any of the life and energy he knew was the woman he’d unintentionally hurt by trying to protect her. Not just from herself, but from him.
A light tug told him to let her hand go. He did, feeling the chasm of her silence as it broadened between them. He stepped away, guiltily hiding his presence from her to watch her fall asleep, to ensure the monsters of her past did not return.
He had to make this right. Slowly, as he watched over her, the beginning of an idea formed. He could only hope it was enough to prove to her how special she was to him.
* * * *
Lily closed Tabitha’s door after another night of quiet reading. The woman was hurting, and mostly hiding. Lily let her have her way. She felt battered, herself, torn and emotionally ravaged. She was utterly useless to help Tabitha the way she felt. She knew Kathy and Amy talked to her, giving Tab all the support they could.
The problem was, Lily was running on empty.
Joaquin had disappeared.
She hadn’t called for him outright. She could, but something stopped her cold. Shame was hard to hide from considering the way she’d lashed out at him. She knew he was somewhere. He would never go back on his word to Diego, but she didn’t feel him in her thoughts anymore. Like he had disappeared out of her life only.
It hurt. Not in the same way her relapse had hurt her. This pain was deeper, cruelly dragging the life out of her in a way she couldn’t explain, and she knew no way to stop it. She’d never thought she’d miss anyone on this level, where nothing held any joy for her. It was a day to day existence, and this time, she couldn’t even blame her past.
Simply put, her heart was dying.
When she dragged her feet to the kitchen for her nightly tea, her gaze landed on the silhouette at the bottom of the stairs and her heart tripped before her brain recognized the man standing as still as a picture. His eyes were focused on her and nothing else, their dark shadows openly exposing his acceptance of the blame he suffered for the pain he’d caused her. After five nights, she couldn’t make herself care anymore. She didn’t even know she was going to do it when she jumped from the third step to land in his arms. He caught her with a whirled grace.
“Where have you been?” she demanded into his embrace, too overjoyed to make it remotely accusing.
Setting her on her feet, he reached to cup her throat, his thumb running delicately against her skin. His eyes glittered, seeming to reflect her thoughts back to her in their mysterious depths. “I’ve been right here. I wasn’t sure after…” He hesitated, and she saw his gaze flicker to her lips. “I missed you.”
Before she could note if they were alone or not, he was lowering to her lips, claiming them with a tenderness that made her shiver and almost weep. Every apology she heard was rasped for her ears alone as he begged for her forgiveness and understanding. He’d never meant to hurt her. He would die before he would ever let her past rise up again and destroy something as beautiful as she was. That he adored everything about her. She was not broken, and he’d never meant for her to think that was why he had rejected her.
She could forgive him anything in that moment.
The warmth of his lips lifted from hers and, reluctantly, she opened her eyes.
“I want to show you something. Will you come with me?”
She nodded, having a hard time finding her voice. Her thoughts swung to Tabitha, worried about leaving her alone with her having longer moments of lucidity.
She followed him when he turned for the door, opening it as he said, “She is safe, asleep. We both will know if she wakes.”
“You’re sure?”
He nodded. “We won’t be gone long.”
“What are we going to do?”
“It’s a surprise.” He gave her a quick look
, nearly playful, and held her close. “Hang on.”
“What are you doing?” Her hands swept up and clasped behind his neck in reaction, already knowing what to expect and anticipating the surprise.
“Taking you on a date.”
Her mouth fell open. Then, she laughed, feeling buoyant for the first time in almost a week. She rested her head against his chest, amazed all over again at Joaquin’s ability to reach inside and make her melt. She never felt her feet leave the ground.
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