by Jourdan Lane
He hissed and tightened around me, grinning. "Take us both, Nikolas."
Nikolas growled and grabbed my hair, yanking my head back at a painful angle. "I want your blood. Your body. And your pain."
I reached blindly behind me, for any part of him I could touch. But he pushed me forward, growling, thrusting, sending me deep into Lucien's ass. My gaze met Lucien's, and in that moment, I knew that he'd seen a part of me that I still couldn't quite grasp. There was no fear, no disgust. He craned his neck up to lick away a drop of blood at my shoulder.
"Take control, Peter."
Control.
I had a moment of hesitation, as if I'd just woken up and realized I was in way deeper than I could ever possibly handle, but something hidden within me flared to life. It was warm and familiar... and dark. So very dark.
Instead of fearing it, I embraced it. Opened myself up and gave it its freedom.
Nikolas and Lucien both gasped, and Nikolas increased his pace, suddenly moving harder and faster. His claws bit into me, sliced through my flesh every time he touched and grabbed at me. As my blood ran, Lucien licked it away. I floated on the sensations of being so impossibly full, of filling Lucien, of fur and blood and pain. Panting, I grasped at Lucien with clawed hands and set my teeth in the side of his neck. My gums itched and ached and I needed to bite down on something... someone.
Lucien bared his neck, grunting and gasping. "Hard, lover."
I hated not having fangs. Fire shot through my groin and exploded throughout my body. Seconds later, I bit down into Lucien's flesh. At the first taste of his blood, I came. That darkness touched each and every part of me. Nikolas' heat began to fill me, his growls and grunts loud. But I wanted more. More of him, more of his heat. He soon stopped his thrusts, but I could feel his power rushing through me.
"Yes..." I growled and threw my head back, wishing that Xander hadn't disappeared on me earlier. Having both of them inside me would have been...
I suddenly saw Xander. He was in a hallway somewhere in the mansion, leaned up against the wall, a look of shock and elation on his face. In that moment, I knew I had him, too. The abyss saw him, recognized him, and gave me a way in. I drank and drank, riding the euphoria until Nikolas yelped and left me empty.
That yelp of pain thrust me back into reality and I froze, shaking. Lucien reached up and pulled me down onto his chest. "Easy, baby."
I shook my head and pushed off him, looking back at Nikolas. He was still in wolf form, but was dazed and trembling. Shit. I'd never meant to hurt him. I edged toward him, hand out. "Nikolas?"
"Not hurt." He moved a little further up the bed toward me and Lucien, but sank down after moving a few inches, sighing. "Just... drained."
Lucien propped himself up on his elbow and ran his other hand gently through Nikolas' fur. "Can you shift?"
Nikolas shook his head and closed his eyes. Within a few seconds, he was asleep. I looked at Lucien and shook my head. "What have I done?"
Lucien kissed me on the forehead, sighing. "There are some things that we cannot learn by instruction alone. Unfortunately, this is one of them."
I frowned and looked up at him. "What do you mean?"
"I could have told you about the consequences of feeding, but without having experienced it firsthand, my words would have no real meaning—no weight."
"What the fuck, Lucien?" I rolled off the bed and stood, glaring at him. "What was this? Some sort of lesson? Is that why you let it go on? Why you let it happen?"
Lucien remained calm. "It was what you wanted."
"Right." I sat on the edge of the bed, only to wince and jump back up from the pain in my ass. Not just soreness... pain. "What I wanted. I don't even remember how it started. Just remember wanting, needing."
"I wake every single evening, wanting. Needing so much to feed until I cannot take anymore. To fuck until I cannot move and I've drained the very last bit of energy from whoever decided to be my next meal. It's instinct, Peter. To feed until we are no longer hungry. But if we do this, those we care about are the first to suffer the consequences. It doesn't matter whether we love someone or not. The hunger does not pick and choose its source of food based on love or emotion."
I glanced at the beautiful, black wolf in the middle of the bed and the harsh reality of what happened—what could have happened—hit hard. He'd trusted in me and I'd somehow called him to me to fuck and feed. All I'd cared about was more. About getting as much from him as I could.
And I was still human.
The thought of holding someone's life so delicately in my hands scared the piss out of me. I couldn't fathom feeding as a vampire. "I don't think I can do this."
"You don't have a choice."
Didn't irony suck? All this time, I'd begged to be turned, begged to be brought over to sate my cravings. Now that I was getting it—I was getting cold feet.
"Teach me how to control it, Lucien." I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his shoulders, hugging him tight. "I don't want this to happen again."
"Neither do I." He pushed me back and stood. "Let's get you to the bath, get you relaxed and ready for later. Okay?"
I nodded, letting him lead me into the bathroom. He started filling the tub with water, adding in some of his most expensive oils. Guilt weighed heavily, as it finally began to sink in just what I'd done. A tremendous ache filled me, making my chest feel tight. The one thing I'd promised Lucien; the one thing I'd promised I'd never do… Yet, I'd lain there beside him, in our own bed, and begged someone else to fuck me.
How he could even stand to look at me was a mystery.
When Lucien and I met, I'd been adamant that the last thing I wanted was a one-night stand. But looking back now, that's exactly what I'd been having—only with the same people over and over again. What had started out as something Lucien and I could share, had become something I did whenever I felt like it.
Sure, I could blame it on the coven, on the people who insisted it was just 'part of coven life', or I could turn the blame back where it belonged.
To myself.
Lucien turned to reach for something and our eyes met. The guilt was too much and I had to look away. He was there in an instant, hands framing my face and forcing my gaze back to his.
"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"
"I'm so sorry, Lucien."
"Non… non." I hated the sympathy in his voice. "Come, lover. You're shivering."
"Would you just stop?" I pushed him away. "Fuck! Why are you doing this?"
"I wasn't aware that running you a bath was grounds for a fight."
"You know that's not it," I snapped. "Jesus, Lucien! I just got royally fucked by someone else—in our fucking bed! Don't you have anything to say about that?"
"Should I?"
I threw my hands in the air, turning away. "That's nice. Answer my question with more questions. I guess some things never change."
"What would you like me to do, Peter? Rant and rave and throw a fit about it all?"
"Yes," I answered softly.
"Why? What would it change?"
Yeah. What would it change? I sighed, shaking my head. "I just… It hurts. And I feel like a total asshole for everything I've done."
"I think we need to talk." His arms came around me, holding me close as he walked us to the tub. "But first, I need you to get in the tub."
Chapter Fifteen
I sat at one end of the tub and Lucien reluctantly sat at the other. The heat of the water went a long way toward relaxing me, but there was too much on my mind—too much hurt and guilt…
"Stop, Peter," Lucien said, drawing me out of my thoughts. "There is no need for you to feel guilty. If anyone should, it's me."
"Why? You didn't beg him to fuck you."
"No, but I could have intervened; I could have stopped any of it before it went too far." He sank down farther into the water and stretched one leg out so that he could rub his foot against my outer thigh. "Pour celui, je suis désolé."
"It
wasn't supposed to be like this."
"You don't think so?"
"Let me ask you something: how many people have you fucked without me?"
He opened his mouth to answer, but seemed to change his mind before he spoke the words. "Why does it matter?"
"Just answer the question. How many?"
"None, but—"
"I've fucked three, not including the countless others I've done with you. Do you remember when we first met?"
"I could never forget it."
"Do you remember what I said? How I was tired of one-night stands? How I didn't want that anymore?"
"I hardly call what happens here one-night stands. If you think about the people you've been with, I think you'll realize there is a common thread." At my raised eyebrow, he continued. "None of those three are strangers. They are all people you care deeply for."
"That's no excuse."
"This is a different world; you know this, Peter." Lucien sighed. "What you are, what you're becoming… Sex is your way of connecting. It's your way of feeling closer to the people you love. You shouldn't make it out to be some dirty, disgusting thing."
"You're an incubus, Lucien. Sex is like breathing for you. So how come I'm the one screwing everything that moves?"
The corner of Lucien's mouth turned up in a sad smile. "Because you cannot feed as I do."
"Huh? What does that have to do with anything?"
"While I can feed and sate much of my desire for sex with energy and blood, all you can do is sate it physically. Sex is your way of both connecting and feeding. I would say most of this is my fault."
"Why?"
"I gave you the cravings and the desires, but no way to sate them. If I had not been so selfish…"
There was no need for him to even finish the sentence. It was something he and I both knew, but I saw no point in driving the wedge in any deeper. He'd done what he thought was right; he'd had fears that had kept him from turning me. But it was all over now; tonight, I would be turned.
Or, I would die while he tried.
I sank down further into the water, sighing. "I don't want to do this anymore."
"Bathe?"
I grabbed a cloth and dragged it through the water before throwing it at his head. It hit the floor behind him with a wet plop and I rolled my eyes. "Smart ass."
He nudged me with his foot. "Come sit with me while you tell me what you don't want."
I moved across the tub, but instead of sitting before him and leaning back, I curled up against his chest. Lucien wrapped his arms around me, chin resting on the top of my head. One of the things I missed most in the past year was this: sitting in a hot bath, touching, talking—communicating. Hell, maybe if we'd stuck to it, so many things wouldn't have gone wrong between us.
I was determined not to let that happen again.
"I don't want anyone else; don't need anyone else." I nervously ran my fingers back and forth across his wet skin. "Could it just be us? Do you think it would work?"
He stilled my hand, bringing my fingers to his lips. "I don't think that's something we should decide on right now."
"That's what I want, Lucien. If you need – want – someone else, then—"
"No. If that's what you want—what you truly want—then yes, that's something we can strive for."
"I hear a 'but'."
"Tell me something, Peter. If I were to call Nikolas in here – hard, naked, and ready to fuck – can you honestly tell me you would have no inclination to fuck him? To suck him off, to let him suck you off? What about Sabaan? Could you say the same for him? Xander? Provided your relationship with him was healed?"
"That's not a fair question," I whispered.
"I'm afraid it is, Peter. These are the people in our circle. They are tied to us in ways that no one else is. The desire for them will always be there, no matter how hard we might try to fight it."
"Just because it's there doesn't mean we have to give into it."
"No, it doesn't. But do you really want to spend the next few hundred years fighting it? It seems a miserable existence to me, if you want my honest opinion."
He scored on that point.
"And then there will be occasions – and don't say it won't happen, because I know the occasions well – that you will need the full effect of a good, hard feed and fuck."
"That's different."
"Is it? See, I would think you would have far more problems with that than you would being in bed with someone you truly cared for."
"I never intended to have a circle of people that it was okay for me to sleep with. I came into this relationship wanting you—and only you."
"You have me. In every single way that counts."
"Then tell me why every time I touch someone else it feels like I'm betraying you."
"You do not have it in your heart or your head to betray me, Peter."
"You think so?"
"I know so." He hugged me tight. "You are loyal to a fault."
I had nothing left to argue. "The water's cooling off."
He grunted in agreement before pushing me off him. He turned on the water and pulled the plug, letting some of the cool water drain as the hot water began to replace it. When he was satisfied that the water was getting hot enough again, he replaced the plug and got out, heading for the cabinet against the far wall. I looked up at him, confused, but when he turned away from the cabinet he held a small vial in his hands.
"What's that?"
"A special oil I ordered a while back." He held it carefully between his fingers, showing it to me. "It'll help you relax."
I frowned. "Won't it be weird, mixing it with the other oils?"
"No," he answered, chuckling. "They complement each other quite well."
There was a knock at our bedroom door, drawing both our attention. Lucien growled, grabbing a towel as he walked out of the bathroom. He was only gone a couple of minutes; when he returned, Doc was with him.
Doc smiled down at me. "Hello, Peter. How are you feeling?"
"Anxious."
He nodded. "I'm sure."
Lucien sat on the edge of the tub. "Doc needs to get his things ready. Would you like to do this here, in our bed? Or would you rather do it in the treatment room?"
"I'd rather stay here." I bit at my lip, shrugging. "But, if you think we should do it down there…"
"I think it would be best," Doc said. "You can always be brought back up here afterward."
"You think something's going to go wrong, don't you?"
Doc sighed. "I only want to be prepared."
Lucien looked up at Doc. "Can you be ready in an hour?"
"Oh, I'm ready now," Doc answered. "I spent the afternoon in the treatment room making sure I had everything I might possibly need."
"I want this to be private, Markus."
I'd never heard Lucien address Doc by his real name.
Doc reached out and squeezed Lucien's shoulder. "You have my word, Lucien. I'm only there if you need me."
Lucien nodded. "We'll be down as soon as we finish here."
As Doc left the bathroom, Lucien stood and opened the vial. "Just sit back and relax, lover. Let me take care of you."
I leaned back, watching as he poured the contents of the vial into the water. Almost instantly, the scent of vanilla and cloves filled the air, along with several scents I didn't recognize. Apart, the scents were ordinary, but together, they were rich and relaxing.
Lucien grabbed a sponge and began the process of bathing me. I was sure he noticed the way I couldn't stop shivering, but he made no comments about it. He just hummed and whispered, his voice and his touch calming me as much as possible. He slid one hand between my legs, fingers searching out my hole.
I was too relaxed to object, just moaning and spreading my legs a little further as he slid a finger inside me. And then, the finger was gone, almost as quickly as it'd invaded me. Lucien's small murmur of 'good' made me smile, breaking through the nervousness just a little.
