I felt my throat swell and my mouth go dry.
“I knew that you’d find your own way eventually,” the Colonel continued. “And I knew that you’d come home, and finally mend the broken relationship with your father.”
“But that never happened,” I said with a hollow voice.
“No,” the Colonel shook his head. “Your father died without getting a chance to see the man that you turned into.”
I stared at my grandfather’s tired face, and for a fleeting second I felt a flash of rage. Things could have been different…things could have been salvaged.
Then I pushed out an exhale of breath, and I felt a sense of calm weigh on my shoulders.
Things couldn’t have been different, I realized. I had to leave. I had to learn the hard way that running away doesn’t solve anything…
“I am deeply sorry that your father couldn’t be here to see it for himself,” the Colonel said slowly. “But Joshua, I can promise you that he would have been so proud of the man that you’ve become.”
“Thank you,” I swallowed heavily.
The Colonel hesitated, then he took a deep breath and continued:
“I know you probably don’t want any advice from me, but I do want to tell you one more thing…”
“What is it, Sir?”
“Vanessa,” the Colonel said. “You love her?”
I gulped. I knew the answer to that question, even though I had never admitted it before.
“I do,” I told him.
“Then do yourself a favor, Joshua. Put her first.”
I blinked at the Colonel, waiting for him to continue.
“Every man that has lived as long as I have, has his fair share of regrets,” the Colonel said wearily. He was getting tired, and I couldn’t blame him; this conversation had already gone on longer than any other conversation we had had before.
“My biggest regret,” he continued, “Is that I never truly loved my wife. I was good to her, I suppose. I honored our vows, and I never strayed. I always made sure that she was looked after. But the truth was, I always treated the Army like my true love. I put my career first, ahead of everything else. And my wife -- your great-grandmother -- paid the price for that.”
“When we were married, she had dreams of finishing school and becoming a nurse. But then the baby came along, and I was deported…and suddenly her dreams didn’t matter, because she had to look after the house and our son while I was away following my own dream.”
“I’m telling you this because it’s easy to lose sight of the sacrifices that we ask the people we love to make for us,” he said. His eyes flashed up, meeting mine. “You’re a much more compassionate man than I was, Joshua. I hope that you can use that compassion, so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes that I made, and that your father made…”
I thought about everything that Vanessa had willingly sacrificed to become a mother. Her life would never be the same, but she had risen to the occasion anyway. And, just like she predicted, I had been unable to do the same.
She had been right, when she said that mothers didn’t get a choice about being parents, but fathers did. What had I given up? What had I sacrificed for this baby? I still had my job, I still worked the same hours, I still lived in a bachelor pad apartment. Besides the crib in the corner of my bedroom, you wouldn’t even know that I was a father.
How was that fair? Why should Vanessa have to give up so much to become a mother, when I had given up so little?
“Do you understand what I’m telling you, Joshua?” the Colonel asked.
“I do,” I said as I pushed myself up from the table. “And…I think there’s something I need to do.”
He smiled, understanding right away.
“Joshua?” he said. “There’s one more thing I want to say, before you go.”
“What’s that?”
“When we were in the hospital room, you called me ‘Grandpa.’”
I froze, and my stomach somersaulted. I felt embarrassed, remembering how the word had slipped out in that emotional moment…
“I think I like the sound of that better than ‘Colonel,’” he said. “If that’s too uncomfortable for you, I understand. But I was thinking that maybe, once the baby is born, he or she could know me as ‘Grandpa’?”
“I like that idea,” I said, smiling back at my grandfather. “I like that idea a lot.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX | VANESSA
Thirty-Six Weeks
“I don’t say this often, but I really think that I found something that’s going to blow your mind!” Brie grinned at me from behind a pair of oversized designer sunglasses. “Trust me: I don’t brave the morning traffic to drive into the city for just anything!”
My realtor was sitting in the driver’s seat, turning the steering wheel with one hand and holding a Starbucks cup with the other as she zipped us through New York’s gridlocked early afternoon traffic. We had left Hartford at 9 AM, approximately twenty minutes after Brie had called me in a breathless flurry to announce that she had found ‘the one.’
Thanks to the mid-morning lull in traffic, we had made the journey down the southbound I-95 in record time. After just two hours of driving, we had crossed under the Whitestone Bridge, then looped around into Brooklyn on the Jackie Robinson Parkway.
“Brooklyn?” I asked skeptically.
“Don’t say anything until you’ve seen it!” Brie shushed me. “Just…keep an open mind!”
I had heard that phrase a lot lately: keep an open mind. I had been trying to do just that, but my mind was getting more and more stuck on the realization that we just weren’t ready to move to New York City.
Summer and I had run the numbers on what it would cost to fix up the East Harlem salon-from-hell, and it was way beyond what we had in savings. Short of a miracle, our big city dream might just be a dud.
I glanced through the car window. Financial shortcomings aside, I had to admit that I was beginning to question whether I really wanted to move to the city, after all. I had come to that realization on my last visit to Manhattan, when I had been jostled and bumped from all directions while I navigated a busy stretch of sidewalk.
I can’t imagine raising a baby here…I had thought to myself then. I can’t imagine teaching a little kid to take their first steps, on a sidewalk where people will just walk right over them…
Now, as I surveyed the scene through the car window, I had to admit that Brooklyn’s Atlantic Avenue was a lot more calm than Manhattan. But still, I found myself wondering:
Is this where I want my baby to grow up? Playing on concrete and listening for police sirens, instead of playing on green grass and listening for the ice cream truck?
“We’re here!” Brie announced. She turned into a private parking deck underground and showed a pass to the man operating the ticket booth. He waved her through, and she swerved the car underground.
After she parked the car, we both climbed out and began walking towards a set of elevators at the edge of the parking garage.
“There’s already another buyer who is interested in the property,” Brie warned me. “But if you like what you see, I might be able to work something out.”
“You didn’t mention whether this place would fit in my budget,” I noted.
“Don’t worry about your budget,” she pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head and winked at me. “Let’s just see if you like this place, first!”
“This is crazy,” I said as we climbed into the elevator and started moving upwards. “What if I fall in love with it, only to realize that I can’t afford it?!”
“Just trust me, Vanessa,” Brie’s eyes twinkled in the bright elevator lights. “I wouldn’t be showing you this place if there wasn’t a way of making it work…”
I sighed, but said nothing. The doors opened and we stepped through a lobby, then out onto the street.
“So it’s obviously not the Upper East Side,” Brie admitted, glancing up at the street of
painted brick buildings and trendy storefronts. “But I think this neighborhood is actually exactly what you’re looking for. It’s trendy, it’s young…people are even calling it the next Williamsburg. And all of those superstar clients and TV studios in Midtown are just a subway trip away!”
“This is too perfect,” I marveled, taking it all in. Even for Brooklyn… “What’s the catch?”
Brie smiled, ignoring my question as she led me down the sidewalk.
“This is the unit that’s available,” she said, pointing up towards a white painted brick storefront. Everything looked pristine and perfect. The glassy windows were so clean that I could see my own reflection clearly.
“No way,” I said in disbelief, but Brie was already pushing open the front door and motioning for me to hurry up and follow her inside.
If the outside was stunning, then the inside was truly a dream come true: white birch floorboards, painted brick walls…everything was beautiful.
“This actually used to be a nail salon,” Brie explained as her heels clicked over the wooden floorboards. “The spa equipment is gone, but the plumbing hook-ups are all still here…that means it’s ready for whatever equipment you want to install.”
I shook my head slowly as my eyes drifted around the empty space.
“There’s no way I can afford this,” I shook my head slowly. “I--”
“Hold on,” Brie held up a hand to stop me. “We haven’t finished the tour yet.”
She led me towards the back of the space, where there was a narrow hallway lined by a series of doors.
“That’s the bathroom,” Brie explained, pointing to the first door. “Next to it is the supply closet. And through this door…”
She pushed open a door, and then she motioned for me to step inside ahead of her. I approached the doorway and as soon as I looked inside, I felt my jaw drop to the floor.
While the rest of the space had been unfurnished, this room was already fully decorated: there was a crib and a changing table pressed against one wall, and in the opposite corner there was a rocking chair. The walls were decorated with framed pictures of cartoon pelicans and polar bears. I stepped into the room, shaking my head slowly.
“I don’t understand…what is all of this?”
Then my eyes locked onto a green plush dinosaur toy in the crib. I recognized it immediately; it was the dinosaur toy that Josh had tossed into our cart, that day we went shopping for supplies at The Baby Shop.
“How did this--” I started to ask as I twirled around, but Brie was already gone. Josh Hudson was standing in her place.
“Josh. What are you doing here?”
“Do you like this place, Pinky?” he asked, ignoring my question.
“Like it? It’s…perfect,” I stammered. “But…I don’t understand. Why are you here? And…where did all of this stuff come from?”
“I heard that you were looking for a salon in the city,” he shrugged. “I wanted to help out.”
“How did you know that?”
“I have my sources,” he shrugged again. Then: “Your realtor, Brie, is a friend of a friend. When you called her about finding a commercial space in New York City, she agreed to do me a favor.”
“What kind of favor?”
“She found me this place,” Josh said. “It checked every box on your wish list. Well, except for being in Brooklyn…”
“I’m more concerned about it being in budget…” I said slowly.
“You don’t need to worry about that.”
“Josh…what’s going on here?” I demanded, my voice sounding every bit as tense and confused as I felt.
“I came into some money, and I want to use it to take care of my family. I want to get this place for you,” he said. “If you want it, that is…”
“If I want it?” I stammered. “It’s…perfect. But…I can’t let you do that. I told you, I don’t need you to help me....”
“I want to help,” he said. “I know how much you’ve had to sacrifice to have this baby, but I won’t let you give up on your dream. I know that you’ve always wanted to move your business to New York City…and I want to give that to you.”
“Josh, stop,” I said. My vision was suddenly blurry, and I had to blink several times to realize that my eyes had misted over with tears.
“You don’t owe me anything,” I choked on my own voice. “I’ve told you that…”
“I know what you told me,” he said. “But I promised you that I was going to do whatever I could do to make this work. Not just when it’s convenient for me…but for all of us.”
“All of us?”
“We’re a family now, Vanessa,” he said. “Families are supposed to stick together.”
“Josh…”
“I know that I should have told my brother about us sooner, and I’ll spend the rest of my life apologizing to you if that’s what it takes to make it right. But I promised that I wasn’t going to give up on us. And I won’t.”
I pushed away the tears that had filled my eyes and sniffed, unsure of what to say next.
“What if I don’t want us to be a family?” I asked. My eyes were burning and blood was rushing to my head. “What if I want to do this on my own?”
“If that’s your decision, then I can’t stop you from leaving,” Josh said slowly. “But I want you to know that you were the one who left. Not me.”
My knees started to tremble, and Josh guided my gently into the rocking chair. I thought about my parents; I thought about all of those tearful fights and screaming matches. I had been so scarred by my childhood, that I had spent all of my life making sure that I was never in a position where a man could leave me, the way my father had left us.
I had done the same thing to Josh, keeping him at arm’s distance waiting for him to fail…then locking him out the second he disappointed me. What if I wasn’t the one being left behind? What if, all along, I was actually the one leaving? What if I was doing the same thing that my father had done, without even realizing it?
“How is this supposed to work?” I wanted to know. “I’d be in Brooklyn, you’d be in Hartford--”
“I have an interview with NYFD next week,” Josh said. “One of the guys at the station called in a connection with his old chief. If I get the job, then I’d be working a few blocks from here. We could plan our schedules so that we take turns watching the baby…”
“You really thought all this out?” I swallowed heavily, shocked.
“I made you a promise, Vanessa. I’m not going to leave you, or our baby. If you want to move to New York City…I’ll be right here by your side.”
“Why are you doing this?” I whispered, feeling the tears pour down my cheeks.
“Doing what?”
“Because I want this. I want you.”
“But--”
“I love you, Vanessa.”
“Wh-what?”
“I love you,” he said it again.
My mouth fell open and I sank deeper into the rocking chair. The room was suddenly spinning. My eyes felt like swamps filled with tears, my mouth was as dry as sandpaper, and my hands were shaking in my lap.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I know this is overwhelming and you probably need time to process everything. I can give you some space…”
I watched as he edged back towards the door and started to turn away.
“Wait,” I said.
He hovered in the doorway and his grey eyes flashed down towards mine.
I thought your entire life only flashed before your eyes during car crashes or near-death experiences…but when I looked into those grey eyes, I saw my entire life flicker in front of me:
I saw my father storming out, and I heard my mother crying for him to come back. I saw every creepy guy who ever tried to hit on me, and I saw every girlfriend that I had ever watched cry over a guy. I saw weddings and funerals; first dates and one-night-stands. I saw sex and kisses and tears and break ups. I saw Josh and that
night under the moonlit night sky at Elizabeth Park. I saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test, and I heard Josh’s voice saying “pinky promise…”
And then I blurted it out:
“I love you, too.” The words felt shaky and strange, because I had never said them before. But as soon as they came out, I knew that I meant them with every fiber of my being. So just for good measure, I said it one more time: “I love you, Josh Hudson. I love you, and I want you, too…”
“What are you saying, Pinky?” he asked. “Are you saying you want to be a family?”
“I want to be a family,” I nodded slowly.
A smile spread across his face and with one stride forward he was whisking me out of the rocking chair and into his arms. His lips were on mine before I had a chance to catch my breath, and I found myself spinning around and around in his arms as we kissed…
“Ahem,” there was a soft knock on the door, and all at once the room stopped spinning. Josh set me down gently by his side, and we both turned to see that Brie had poked her head back through the door.
“I just got a call that another buyer is coming to scope out this place,” she said. “If you want to make an offer, we have to move fast.”
“Your call, Pinky,” Josh said, glancing down at me. “Do you want this place?”
“I really don’t think I can afford it…”
“This one’s on me,” Josh assured me with a wink.
I turned slowly back to Brie.
“It really is perfect,” I said slowly. “It’s exactly what I always dreamed of, actually.”
“So…is that a yes?” Brie asked anxiously.
I bit down on my bottom lip and my eyes flicked back up to Josh.
“No,” I decided suddenly. “I don’t think this is the right place for me-- for us.”
“No?” Brie repeated, stunned.
“No,” I said again. “Actually…I think I might want something in Hartford, after all…”
“But…I thought this was your dream?” Josh sounded shocked.
“Sometimes dreams change,” I shrugged. “New York City will always be here, but Hartford is our home. I can’t think of anywhere else that I’d rather raise our baby.”
February Burning: A Firefighter Secret Baby Romance Page 17
