by James Joyce
Well, yeamen, I have bared my whole past, I flatter myself, on both sides. Give me even my two months by laxlaw in second division and my first broadcloth is business will be to protest to Recorder at Thing of all Things, or court of Skivinis, with marchants grey, antient and credibel, Zerobubble Barrentone, Jonah Whalley, Determined Codde or Cucumber Upright, my jurats, if it does not occur again. O rhyme us! Haar Faagher, wild heart in Homelan, Harrod’s be thee naun, mine kinder come, mine wohl be won! There is nothing like leuther. O shee! And nosty mens in gladshouses they shad not peggott stones. The elephant’s house is his castle. I am here to tell you, indeed to goodness, that, allbe I discountenanced beallpersuasions in rinunciniation of my pomps of heretofore, with a wax too held in hand, I am thorgtfulldt to do dope me of Ovocna’s miscisprinks and by virchow of those filthered waters presently, like Browne umbracing Christina Anya, after the Irishers, to convert me into a Selt (but first I must proxy babetise my old antenaughties) when, being fully alive to it, as Sigismond Stolterforth, with Rabbin Robroost for my auspicer and Leecher Rutty for my lifearst (Ehren til viktrae!), I will westerneyes those poor sunuppers and outbreiten their land’s eng. A man should stump up and I will pay my pretty decent trade price for my glueglue glucose, peebles, were it even, as this is, the legal eric for wholewiping clean infelicitous conduict (here incloths placefined my pocketanchoredcheck) and, as a matter of fact, I undertake to discontinue entyrely all practices and I deny in toto at my own request in all stoytness to have confermentated and confoederated and agreed in times prebellic, when here were waders for the trainsfolk, as it is now nuggently laid to me, with a friend from mine, Mr Billups, pulleter, my quarterbrother, who sometimes he is doing my locum for me on a grubstake and whom I have cleped constoutuent, for so it was felt by me, at goodbuy cootcoop by usucapiture a mouthless niggeress, Blanchette Brewster from Cherna Djamja, Blawlawnd-via-Brigstow, or to illsell my fourth part in her, which although allowed of in Deuterogamy as in several places of Scripture (copyright) and excluded books (they should quite rightly verbanned be) would seem eggseggs excessively harroween to my feelimbs, for twa punt scotch, one pollard and a crocard or three pipples on the bitch. Thou, Frick’s flame, Uden Sulfer, who strikest only on the marryd bokks, entquick me if so be I did cophetuise milady’s maid! In spect of her beavers she is a womanly and sacret. Such wear a frillick for my comic strip (Mons Meg’s Monthly, comes out aich Fanagan’s Weck) to bray at by clownsillies in Donkeybrook Fair. It would lackin mackin Hodder’s and Cocker’s erithmatic. The unpurdonable preempson of all of her of yourn, by Juno Moneta! If she, irished Marryonn Teheresiann, has been disposed of for her consideration, I, Ledwidge Salvatorious, am tradefully unintiristid. And if she is still further talc slopping over her cocoa contours, I, hwat mick angars, am strongly of opinion why I should not be. Improbable! I do not credit one word of it from such and suchess mistraversers. Just feathers! Nanenities! Or to have ochtroyed to resolde or borrough by exchange same super melkkaart, means help, best Brixton, high yellow, no outings, cent for cent on Auction’s Bridge. ’Twere a honnibel crudelty wert so tentement to their naktlives and scatab orgias we devour about in the mightyevil roohms of enceint Cartage. Utterly improperable! Not for alled Crusos or white soul of gold! A pipple on the panis, two claps on the cansill, or three pack pocks cassey knocked on the postern! Not for one testey tickey culprik’s coynde ore for all écus in cunziehowffse! So hump me Cash! I meanit.
My herrings! The surdity of it, mean to say. Her bare idears, it is choo-choo chucklesome. Absurd bargain, mum, will call. One line, with! One line, with, with! Will ate everadayde saumone like a boyne alive O. The tew cherripickers with their catheringnettes, Lizzy and Lissy Mycock from Street Fleshshambles, were they moon at aube with hespermun and I their covin guardient, I would not know to contact such gretched youngsteys in my ways from Haddem or any suistersees or heiresses of theirn, claiming by, through, or under them. Ous of their freiung pfann into myne foyer! Her is one which rassembled to mein enormally. The man what shocked his shanks at contey Carlow’s. He is Deucollion. Each habe goheard: Up-taking you are innersence but we sen you meet sose infance. Deucollion! Odor: Evilling chimbes is smutsick rivulverblott but thee hard casted thereass pigstenes upann Congan’s shootsmen in Schottenhof, ekeascent? Igen Deucollion! I liked his gothamn chic! Stuttertub! What a shrubbery trick to play! Hear this! I will put my oathhead unner my whitepot for ransom of beeves and will stand me where I stood mine in all free heat between Pelagios and little Chistayas by Roderick’s, our most monolith, after my both earstoear and brebreeches buybibles and, minhaton, testify to my unclothed virtue by the longstone erectheion of our allfirst manhere. I should tell you that honestly, on my honour of a Nearwicked, I always think (in a wordsworth of that primed favourite continental poet, Daunty, Gouty and Shopkeeper, A. G., whom the generality admoyers in this that is and that this is to come) like as my palmer’s past policy I have had my best master’s lesson, as the public he knows. And do you know, homesters, I honestly think if I have failed lamentably by accident benefits, though shintoed, spitefired, perplagued and cramkrieged, I am doing my dids bits and have made of my prudentials good. I have been told I own stolemines or something of that sort in the sooth of Spainien. Hohohoho! Have I said ogso how I abhor myself vastly (truth to tell) and do repent me to my nether heart of suntry clothing? The amusin part is, I will say, hotelmen, that, after martiell siegewin with Abbot Warre to blesse on yon slauchterday of cleantarriffs, since I, yetnot a bottlenim, over the deep drowner Athacleeath to seek again Irrlanding, shamed in mind, with three plunges of my ruddertail, vanced imperial standard by weaponright and platzed mine residenze, taking bourd and burgage under starrymisty, and ran and operated my Brixtol selection here at thollstall, for mean straits male with evorage fimmel, in commune soccage, among strange and enemy, among these plotlets, at Poplinstown, alore Fort Dunlip, then-on-sea, hole of Serbonian bog, now city of magnificent distances, goodwalldabout, with talus and counterscarp and pale of palisades, in that year which I have called myriabellous, and overdrave these marken under patroonshaap of our good kingsinnturns, T. R. H. Urban First and Champaign Chollyman and Hungry the Loaved and Hangry the Hathed, here where my tenenure of office and my toils of domestication first began, with weight of woman my skat and skuld but Flukie of the Ravens my sure piloter, famine with Englisch sweat and oppedemics, the twotoothed Dragonworms with allsort serpents, has compolitely seceded from this landleague of many nations, and open and notorious naughty livers are found not on our rolls. This seat of our city it is of all sides pleasant, comfortable and wholesome. If you would traverse hills, they are not far off. If champain land, it lieth of all parts. If you would be delited with fresh water, the famous river called of Ptolemy the Libnia Labia runneth fast by. If you will take the view of the sea, it is at hand. Give heed!
— Do Drumcollogher whatever you do!
— Visitez Drumcollogher-la-Belle!
— Be suke and sie so ersed Drumcollogher!
— Vedi Drumcollogher e poi Moonis!
Things are not as they were. Let me briefly survey. Pro clam a shun! Pip! Peep! Pipitch! Ubipop jay piped, ibipep goes the whistle. Here Tyeburn throttled, massed marmurs march: where the bus stops, there shop I: here which ye see, yea reste. On me, your sleeping giant. Estoesto! Estote sunto! From the hold of my capt in altitude till the mortification that’s my fate. The end of our aldest mosest ist the beginning of all thisorder so the last of their hansbailis shall the first in our sheriffsby. Peace and plenty! New highs for all! Redu Negru may be black in tawn but under them lintels are staying my horneymen meet each his mansiemagd. For peers and gints, quaysirs and galleyliers, fresk letties from the say and stale headygabblers, gaingangers and dudder wagoners, pullars off societies and pushers on rothmere’s homes. Obeyance from the townsmen spills felixity by the toun. Our bourse and our politico-ecomedy are in safe with good Jock Shepherd, our lives are on sure in sorting with Jonathans, wild and great. Been so free! Thank you, bes
ters! Hattentats have mindered, blaublaze devilbobs have gone from the mode and hairtrigger nicks are quite out of time now. Thuggeries are reere as glovars’ metins, lepers lack and ignorants show beneath suspicion like the bitterhalves of esculapuloids. In midday’s mallsight let Miledd discurverself, Meludd in her hide park seek Minuitette. All is waldly bonums. Blownose aerios, we luft to you! Firebugs, good blazes! Lubbers, keep your poudies drier! Seamen, we segn your skivs and wives!
Seven ills sobarely as centripunts havd I habt, seaventy seavens for circumference inkeptive are your hill prospect: Brayd, Blackfordrock, the Calton, the Liberton, Craig and Lockhart’s, A. Costofino, R. Thursitt. The chort of Nicholas Within was my guide and I raised a dome on the where-withouts of Michan: by awful tors my wellworth building sprang sky spearing spires, cloud cupoled campaniles. Further this. By fineounce and imposts I got and grew and by grossscruple gat I grown outreachesly: murage and lestage were my mains for Ouerlord’s tithing and my drains for render and prender the doles and the tribute: I was merely out of my mint with all the percussors on my braincap till I struck for myself and muched morely by token: to Sirrherr of Gambelden old ruddy money and to Madame of Pitymount I loue yous. Paybads floriners moved in hugheknots against us and I matt them, pepst to papst, barthelemew: milreys (mark!) onfell and (luc!) I arose, Daniel in Leonden. Bulafests onvied me, Corkcuttas graachted. Atabey! The soord on Whencehislaws was mine and mine the prusshing stock of Allbrecht the Bearn. I wegschicked Duke Wellinghof to reshockle Roy Shackleton: Walhalloo, Walhalloo, Walhalloo, mourn in plein! I braved Brien Berueme to berow him against the Loughlins, all her tolkies shraking: Fugabollags! Lusqu’au bou! If they had ire back of eyeball they got danage on front tooth: theres were revelries at ridottos, here was rivalry in redoubt. Under law’s marshall and warschouw did I thole till lead’s plumbate, ping on pang, reliefed me. I made praharfeast upon acorpolous and fastbroke down in Neederthorpe. I let faireviews in on slobodens but ranked rothgardes round wrathmindsers: I bathandbaddend on mendicity and I cowcured off the unoculated. Can you tell their tale whom I filled ad liptum on the plain of Soulsbury? With three hunkered peepers and twa and twas! For sleeking beauties I spinned their nightinveils, to slumbred beasts I tummed the tief air. Round the musky moved a murmel but mewses whinninaird and belluas zoomed: tendulcis tunes like water parted fluted up from the westinders while from gorges in the east came the strife of ourangoontangues. All in my thicville Escuterre ofen was thorough fear but in the meckling of my Burgh Belvaros was the site forbed: I meade uisance of wellpressed champdamors and peddled freely in the scrub: tuberclerosies I reized spudfully from the murphyplantz Hawkinsonia and berriberries from the pletoras of the Irish shou. I heard my libertilads making fray through their curraghcoombs and my trueblues herusalaming before Wailingtone’s Wall: out of fundness for the outozone I carried them and curried them in my Putzemdown cars to my Kommeandine hotels: I richmounded the rainelag in my bathytub of roundwood and conveyed it with cheers and cables, rearing mighty shouts, through my longertubes of elm: I made sprouts fontaneously from Philuppe Sobriety in the coupe that’s cheyned for noon inebriates: when they weaned weary of that bibbing I made infusion more infused: sowerpacers of the vinegarth, obtemperate unto me! When you think me in my coppeecuffs lookinware would you meckamockame, as you pay in caabmand’s sheltar tot the ites like you corss the tees. Wherefore watch ye well! For, while I oploocked the first of Janus’s straight, I downsaw the last of Christmas steps: syndic podesteril and on the rates, I for indigent and intendente: in Forum Foster I demonsthrenated my folksfiendship, enmy pupuls felt my burk was no worse than their brite: Sapphrageta and Consciencia were undecidedly attached to me but the maugher machrees and the auntieparthenopes my schwalby words with litted spongelets set their soakeypokeys and botchbons afume: Fletcher-Flemmings, elizaboth, how interquackeringly they rogated me, their golden one, I inhesitant made replique: Mesdememdes to leursieuresponsor: And who in hillsaide, Don’t you let flyfire till you see their whites of the bunkers’ eyes? Mr Answers: Bringem young, bringem young, bringem young! in my bethel of Solyman’s I accouched their rotundaties and I turnkeyed most insultantly over lutetias raped in the lock: I gave bax ob biscums to the jacobeaters and pottage bakes to the esausted: I dehlivered them with freakandesias by the constant droppings from my smalls instalmonths while I titfortotalled up their farinadays for them on my slataper’s slate with my chandner’s chauk: I jaunted on my jingelbrett rapt in neckloth and sashes and I beggared about the amnibushes like belly in a bowle. In the humanity of my heart I sent out heywheywomen to refresh the ballwearied and then, doubling megalopolitan poleetness, my great great greatest of these charities, devaleurised the base fellows for the curtailment of their lower man: with a slog to square leg I sent my boundary to Botany Bay and I ran up a score and four of mes while the Yanks were huckling the Empire: I have been reciping om omominous letters and widelysigned petitions full of pieces of pottery about my monumentalness as a thingabolls and I have been inchanting causeries to the feshest cheoilboys so that they are allcalling on me for the song of a birtch. Attent! Couch hear! I have becket my vonderbilt hutch in sunsmidnought and at morningrise I was encampassed of mushroofs: the more secretly bi built, the more openly palastered. Rest and bethinkful, with licence, thanks. I considered the lilies on the veldt and unto Balkis did I disclothe mine glory. Lo, I have looked long upon my pumpadears in their easancies and my drummers have tattled tall tales of me in the land.
And this. This mayds my taughters and these man my son, from my fief of the Villa of the Ostmannorum to Thorstan’s, recte Thomars Sraid, and from Huggin Pleaze to William Inglis his house, that man de Loundres, in all their barony of Saltus, bonders and foeburghers, helots and zelots, strutting oges and swaggering macks, the darsy jeamses, the drury joneses, redmaids and bleucotts, in hommage and felony, all who have received tickets, fair home overcrowded, tidy but very little furniture, respectable, whole family attends daily mass and is dead sick of bread and butter, sometime in the militia, mentally strained from reading work on German physics, shares closet with eight other dwellings, more than respectable, getting comfortable parish relief, wage-earner freshly shaven from prison, highly respectable, planning new departure in Mountgomery cyclefinishing, eldest son will not serve but peruses Big-Man-up-in-the-Sky scraps, anoopanadoon lacking backway, quasi respectable, pays ragman in bones for faded windowcurtains, staircase continually lit up with guests, particularly respectable, house lost in dirt and blocked with refuse, getting on like Roe’s distillery on fire, slovenly wife active with the jug, in business for himself, has a tenth illegitimate coming, partly respectable, following correspondence courses, chucked work over row, both cheeks kissed at levee by late marquess of Zetland, sharing closet which is profusely written over with eleven other subscribers, once respectable, open hallway pungent of Baltic dishes, bangs kept woman’s head against wall thereby disturbing neighbours, private chapel occupies return landing, removal every other quarter day, case one of peculiar hopelessness, most respectable, nightsoil has to be removed through snoring household, eccentric naval officer not quite steady enjoys weekly churchwarden and laugh while reading foreign pictorials on clumpstump before door, known as the trap, widow rheumatic and chars, haunted, condemned and execrated, of dubious respectability, tools too costly pledged or uninsured, reformed philanthropist whenever feasible takes advantage of unfortunates against dilapidating ashpits, serious student is eating his last dinners, floor dangerous for unaccompanied old clergymen, thoroughly respectable, many uncut pious books in evidence, nearest watertap two hundred yards’ run away, fowl and bottled gooseberry frequently on table, man has not had boots off for twelve months, infant being taught to hammer flat piano, outwardly respectable, sometimes hears from titled connection, one foot of dust between banister and cracked wall, wife cleans stools, eminently respectable, ottawark and regular loafer, should be operated on would she consent, deplorable rent in roof, claret cellar cobwebbed since the pontificate of Le
o, wears drill trousers and collects rare buddhas, underages very treacly and verminous have to be separated, sits up with fever cases for one and threepence, owns two terraces (back to back breeze), respectable in every way, harmless imbecile supposingly weakminded, a sausage every Sunday, has a staff of eight servants, outlook marred by ne’er-do-wells using the laneway, lieabed sons go out with sisters immediately after dark, has never seen the sea, travels always with her eleven trunks of clothing, starving cat left in disgust, the pink of respectability, resting after colonial service, labours at plant, the despair of his many benefactresses, calories exclusively from Rowntrees and dumplings, one bar of sunlight does them all January and half February, the V. de V’s (animal diet) live in fivestoried semidetached but rarely pay tradesmen, went security for friend who absconded, shares same closet with fourteen similar cottages and an illfamed lodginghouse, more respectable than some, teawidow pension but held to purchase, inherited silk hat from father-in-law, head of domestic economy never mentioned, query how they live, reputed to procure, last four occupants carried out, mental companionship with mates only, respectability unsuccessfully aimed at, copious holes emitting mice, decoration from Uganda chief in locked ivory casket, grandmother has advanced alcoholic amblyopia, the terror of Goodmen’s Field, and respected and respectable, as respectable as respectable can respectably be, though their orable amission were the herrors I could have expected, all, let them all come, they are my vill villeins, with chartularies I have talledged them.
