“It was, but there was nothing much to say. Mostly, I just felt terrible that he had probably been doing it all along and I was too stupid to figure it out. I kept thinking he needed time and space and love, and the truth was, he didn't give a damn about me.”
“He probably did care about you,” Dr. Green corrected her. She had gone too far the other way now, in her anger at having been betrayed, and having found him with another woman. “He cared about you, to the best of his limited abilities. That's not saying much, Allegra, but it's something.”
“But why was I so stupid? How could I have been such a fool for two years?”
“Because you wanted to be. You needed companionship and protection. The only unfortunate thing is that he was a very unwilling companion to you, and you were the one protecting him. It was a very unsatisfactory arrangement. But what about now? How do you feel about all this?”
“Angry, stupid, resentful, furious, independent, whole, free, sorry, not sorry at all, scared that the next one won't be any different. Maybe they're all the same, or at least the ones I find are. I think that's what scares me the most, the idea that it could happen again, and again, and again … that I'm just going to keep finding lemons forever.”
“You don't have to, you know, and I think you learned something this time.” The therapist sounded more confident than Allegra felt, which surprised her.
“What makes you think that?”
“Because as soon as you realized what was happening, you confronted it, you brought it to a head, and you let it end there—whether he ended it or you did. You did, actually, you exposed him, and he disappeared, like a little worm down a hole. But at least you didn't pretend to yourself that he was still there for you when he wasn't. That's a big step, Allegra.”
“Maybe,” she said halfheartedly. “But now what?”
“You tell me. What do you want? Whatever it is, you have the power to get it if you want. It's up to you, you know. You can find someone wonderful, if you want that.”
“I think I met someone wonderful in New York,” she said cautiously, “but I'm not sure.” She was suspicious of him now that she was back. She was suspicious of everyone, and her memories of him couldn't be as fantastic as she remembered. He had to be just like the others, if she'd picked him.
“Long-distance relationships are another way of avoiding intimacy,” Dr. Green reminded her, and this time Allegra smiled at her.
“He was there on business too, although he's originally a New Yorker. But he lives here now.” An eyebrow immediately shot up, and Dr. Green nodded.
“How interesting. Tell me about him.” Allegra told her all she knew, and all she'd seen of him. And just telling her about the carriage ride and the skating made it sound unreal, even to her own ears, but as she talked about him, she really missed him. She had promised herself not to call him for a while, and she hadn't. She wanted time for the dust to settle after Brandon.
“Why? Maybe he'll think you're not interested in him,” Dr. Green said encouragingly. “He sounds very nice and very normal. Why not call him?”
“I'm not ready yet.” Allegra balked at the idea, and nothing Dr. Green said that afternoon convinced her. “I need time after Brandon.”
“No, you don't,” Dr. Green called her bluff. “You've been making excuses for him for two years with everyone you know, and you've just spent a week kissing some man in New York every chance you got. I don't even think you're that sad over Brandon.”
Allegra smiled. The doctor had her number. “Maybe I'm just hiding for a while.”
“Why?”
“Scared, I guess.” Allegra confessed to her. “Jeff seems so terrific, I don't want to be disappointed. What if he isn't? It would kill me.”
“No, it wouldn't. What if he's human? How would that be? Too disappointing? Do you like him better as a fantasy, or a counterpoint to Brandon?” Allegra hoped not.
“I don't know what I feel for him, except that when I was with him, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. I trusted him completely. And now that I'm home, I think that scares me.”
“That's understandable, but you could at least see him.”
“He hasn't called me. Maybe he has someone else.”
“Or maybe he's busy, or writing, or he's afraid to intrude since you made such a fuss about your relationship with Brandon. Maybe you owe it to him to at least tell him it's over. That might be something.” But Allegra was playing a waiting game, and she wanted to see if he called her.
And as it turned out, he did, on Friday. He called late in the afternoon, and he sounded tentative when he asked for her, as though he wasn't sure he should be calling her in the office. Alice told her he was on, and Allegra took a deep breath and picked up the phone, but her hand was shaking. She felt as though the rest of her life had just begun the moment she heard him.
“Allegra?”
“Hi, Jeff. How are you?”
“Better now. I know I said I wouldn't call for a while, but you've been driving me up the wall. I figured I had to, and then I'd leave you alone again for a while. I really miss you.” They were the words she had sweated two years for with Brandon, and with Jeff it was all so easy. He sounded wonderful, and she felt guilty for not calling him, as Dr. Green had suggested.
“I miss you too,” she said softly.
“How are all your kids now that you're back? Everyone behaving? Or are you fighting off death threats and crazies and paparazzi at four in the morning?”
“It's been a quiet week, actually.” Except in her own life, but she didn't say that. “What about you? How's the screenplay coming?”
“Miserably. I haven't felt like working since I've been back. I think you distracted me severely.” There was a moment's pause, and then he asked her something he'd wondered since he left New York. “How was your weekend?”
“It was interesting,” she said coolly. “We'll have to talk about it sometime.” But she didn't want to discuss it in the office.
“That sounds like a date in the very distant future,” he said sadly. He had waited all week to call her, and she sounded so good to him now. He was dying to see her.
“I don't think it is,” she said quietly. She tried to force herself to be brave and remember Dr. Green's words. “What are you doing this weekend?” She held her breath and waited. Oh, God, don't let him be like the others….
“Is that an invitation?” He sounded stunned. What had she done with Brandon? But he was afraid to ask her and spoil the moment.
“It could be. I'm having dinner with friends in Malibu tomorrow night. Do you want to come? Very informal, in blue jeans and old sweatshirts. We may even go bowling.”
“I'd love it.” He sounded thrilled. He couldn't believe she had asked him. “Can I ask who the friends are, just out of curiosity, so I don't make a fool of myself when we get there?” He knew the kind of people she hung out with, and he was right.
“Alan Carr and Carmen Connors, but you can't tell anyone you saw them together. They're hiding out in Malibu, to get away from the tabloids.”
“I'll be sure to keep it a secret,” he said, laughing. There was no one in the world who would ask him. “That sounds like quite an evening.”
“It won't be,” she said happily. “They're both lousy cooks, but good people. With any luck, they'll buy take-out pasta. I'll suggest it. Carmen hasn't learned to cook yet, and Alan's teaching her. It could be pretty awful.” She laughed, happy just talking to him, and they chatted for a while about what the week had been like without each other.
“Were things all right for you when you got back?” he asked her obliquely, and she said they were. But she knew what he was asking her. He wanted to know about Brandon, but it seemed so awkward to tell him on the phone. She really didn't want to. It would be easier to tell him on Saturday, before they went to Alan's.
They talked for a few more minutes, and then they hung up, and she thought about him constantly for the rest of the evening. She had
planned to go to her parents' for dinner that night, until she found out they were going out, and she went home and made scrambled eggs for herself, and thought about Jeff, and Brandon. She didn't want to make the same mistake again. She didn't want to believe that someone was what they weren't.
And she was very quiet when Jeff arrived at her house on Saturday, looking immaculate in faded, pressed blue jeans, a crisp white shirt, and a blazer. He still looked very Eastern, and she loved it. He looked like a Ralph Lauren ad. And she was wearing white jeans and a white shirt, and a red sweater over her shoulders.
She felt shy with him at first, and he looked around, admiring her house. It was like starting all over again, until he pulled her slowly into his arms and kissed her.
“That's better,” he said softly. “I've waited a long time for this,” he whispered.
“Nine days,” she whispered back, and he shook his head in answer.
“Thirty-four years. I've waited a long time for you, Miss Allegra Steinberg.”
“What took you so long?” she asked as he folded her into his arms, and they sat on the couch together, admiring the view. She was totally at ease with him again, as though she'd never left him.
“I don't want to be rude,” he finally said cautiously, as she went to get him a Diet Coke in the kitchen, and he followed her, and looked around, admiring what she had done. But there was no sign of Brandon. “Where is he?”
“Who?” She looked puzzled as she poured his drink. They were meeting Alan and Carmen in Malibu, not at her house.
“Brandon. My rival.” He was curious as to what had happened and why she was available on a Saturday night. She had offered no explanation whatsoever on the phone. Maybe he was in San Francisco. “Is he away?”
“Permanently.” She smiled mischievously at him, looking like a naughty kid who's done something she shouldn't. “He's gone. I guess I forgot to tell you.” He stood staring at her, and then set his drink down on the granite counter.
“Wait a minute. He's gone … out of the picture … adios … and you didn't tell me? I don't believe it. You little shit!” He grabbed her again, and squeezed her tight in his arms. “How dare you do that to me! I've been trying to figure it out since yesterday when I called you, and you asked me to dinner. Why didn't you call me? I thought that was our deal, you'd call me if anything happened.”
“A lot did happen when I got back, but I needed some time to sort it out in my own mind, before I called you.” He understood that, but he had agonized over her all week. He would have loved to have known that she had broken up with Brandon. And now he had a thousand questions he wanted to ask her.
“What dastardly deed do I have to thank him for, if I ever see him?”
“Apparently quite a few I didn't know about. But the real topper was when I flew to San Francisco and showed up at the Fairmont last Friday night. That was a good one. He had a woman with him, staying in his room. And suddenly I realized that he's been doing it all along, and he pretty much confirmed that.”
“Nice guy. Great principles. I like that in a man. Good moral fiber.” He was joking with her, but he was seething inside at what she'd been through. How humiliating, and how cruel. But in an awful way, he was glad it had happened, and so quickly. It was kismet.
“The trouble is,” she commented, “I like all those nice things too, principles, ethics, fidelity, all that boring stuff that's out of fashion these days. And I seem to like to delude myself about people I convince myself have them. Unfortunately, I'm wrong usually. I seem to miss the call most of the time. In fact, so far, when it comes to picking losers, I've been batting a thousand.”
“Maybe things have finally changed for you,” he said, pulling her close to him again, as he stood behind her, and felt her willowy warmth against him. “Maybe your eyesight has gotten better.”
“Has it?” She asked him cautiously, wanting answers from him, and reassurance.
“What do you think?”
“I'm asking you. I don't think I could go through that again. This is the third one for me. Three strikes, I'm out.”
“No, Allegra,” he said, turning her around to face him so he could look at her. “You're just beginning. You're only a baby. That was all practice stuff. Now we go for the brass ring. And you're gonna get it this time … you deserve it….” Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at him, and this time when he kissed her, she kissed him back, with all her heart, and the faith that she had given so foolishly before. But he was right. This one was the biggie. He was the genuine article, and he wasn't going to fool her. To her very core, she knew it.
They sat together for a while, and she showed him around. She had the odd feeling that he would be spending a lot of time there, and she was showing him his new home. It was a funny feeling.
“I love it,” he said, admiring what she'd done, and the easy warmth of the place. She loved it too, and she was happy he did.
And a little while later, they left for Malibu. It took them forty-five minutes to get to Alan's. She told Jeff about him all the way there, and the pranks they'd committed together over the years, but even knowing all of that, Jeff was still startled into silence when he met them. Carmen was so incredibly beautiful, even in a T-shirt and blue jeans. She had the same breathy, sensual quality Monroe had had, but she was so much more beautiful, so much more breathtaking, that Jeff hadn't been adequately prepared to meet her. And meeting Alan was just like looking straight at a movie screen, except that he was alive and looking at you, and laughing with those perfect teeth, and incredible blue eyes, and finely chiseled features. He reminded Jeff a lot of Gable. They were quite a combination. He could just imagine it once the press got a hold of them, never mind the tabloids.
Their hosts ushered them inside, and Alan had made tamales and guacamole for them, and he served Jeff a tequila. But as hospitable as he was, there was a puzzled expression as he looked at Allegra's date for the evening, and then finally when he got her alone, he challenged her and she laughed mischievously at him.
“What the hell is going on, you little holdout? Who is he? Where's the creep?” Alan never spoke of Brandon in pleasant or even civil terms, because he'd never liked him. But this time Allegra didn't say anything in his defense. She was just grinning at Alan. “I like this one. What did you do with the other one? Kill him?”
“Just about. He's been cheating on me for two years or thereabouts,” she summed it up for him in a nutshell. “I walked in on him with one of his sweeties, at the Fairmont last weekend. Actually, they were out of the room, but her bra and panties weren't, or her see-through nightgown.”
“Why didn't you tell me, you turkey?” He looked hurt that she hadn't called him.
“I needed time to get used to it. I don't know.” She looked serious for a minute. “I called you once, and you weren't home. And I felt like such a horse's ass, I didn't feel like telling anyone about Brandon. I've been licking my wounds all week.”
“Count your blessings,” Alan said seriously, pouring her a soda. She didn't want tequila. “That guy would have made you miserable for the rest of your life. Trust me. I know it.”
She knew he was right now, and as they talked about it, Carmen and Jeff came in to join them.
“What are you two up to?” Jeff asked, putting an arm around her as she smiled coyly. “What's the drill here? Do I trust you with this man? Tell me the truth now so I know what I'm up against. I'm afraid I can't compete with him. Is he a threat?”
Alan laughed and was quick to reassure him. “Not for the last fifteen years, I'm afraid. She was cute as hell at fourteen, but all I ever got out of her were a bunch of sloppy kisses. I hope you've at least gotten better at that,” Alan told her rudely, and she shoved him.
“Thanks for nothing. You used to give me beard burn, and get me in trouble with my mother all the time, you creep.”
“You know, he still does that.” Carmen looked at her sympathetically, and Allegra laughed. It was fun being together, the four
of them, and Allegra had never seen either of them as happy.
Alan made tacos and tostadas for dinner, and Carmen made Spanish rice and a huge salad. And there was ice cream and hot fudge sauce for dessert, and they toasted marshmallows in the fireplace, like kids. Then they went for a walk on the beach, and laughed and talked, and played tag as they ran in and out of the ocean as the waves lapped gently against the sand in the bright moonlight. It was a lovely evening.
When they went back inside finally, Carmen grinned at Allegra, and then at Alan. She looked up at him with her huge blue eyes, and whispered something. She was asking if she could tell them, and he hesitated, looking at his old friend, and at Jeff, wondering if the one would disapprove and the other could be trusted. But he decided he could handle either of them, and Carmen could barely keep herself from exploding with excitement.
“We're getting married in Vegas on Valentine's Day,” she announced, and Allegra pretended to faint and fall backward.
“Cupid's dream, and a lawyer's nightmare.” Her eyes met Alan's immediately, wondering if this was really what he wanted. But it seemed to be; he looked sure of her and of himself, and she had never seen him as happy. He was thirty years old and he ought to know by then what suited him and what didn't. “The papers are going to kill you. I hope to hell you use another name, and you go incognito. Wear wigs, paint your faces, do anything. This is going to be the news of the century. Princess Di and Prince Charles were nothing to this, kids. Please God, be careful.”
“We will be,” Alan assured her, and then he had an idea. “Will you be our maid of honor, our witness, whatever?” And then he looked at Jeff expansively. “You can come too, if you can put up with her by then. We'd love to have you,” Alan said generously and Jeff was touched when he said it. They were warm, genuine people, and he had had a great evening. It wasn't pretentious, or intellectual, or like any of the supposed salons in New York, but it was much more down to earth, and he enjoyed it. It was why he had come to California originally, but these people were special. He liked them both, and he hadn't been able to take his eyes off Allegra all evening. He still couldn't believe his good fortune that she'd broken up with Brandon so quickly.
The Wedding Page 19
