“Last week, I had to watch my best friend as she witnessed her baby boy get lowered into the ground. I don’t ever want to have to feel nothing even close to that. I always said that I didn’t want children of my own, but that just solidified it for me,” I said, speaking the truth.
“I hear you, shorty, but everybody’s story is not going to be your story. Don’t count some shit out before you even get the chance to experience it,” he said.
“Okay, Bishop Jabari. Look at you, sounding like a motivational speaker,” I said, followed by a laugh.
“Eventually, you going to want me to take the condom off so you can feel the real thing, so quit hollering about you don’t want to have kids,” he said, and I burst out laughing right in his face.
“Nigga, was that weed laced? You’re out of your fuckin’ mind if you think I would everrrr in my life push out a baby for you. Please,” I said, shrugging him off and going back toward the sink so I could wash the dishes.
“I’m not even going to do too much back and forth with you. I’ll give you about a month before you start telling me to take the rubber off. I won’t have to ask you to push a baby out for me because I’m going to have your silly ass so fucked up in the head, that you’ll be asking me to have my baby. Fuck outta here with that shit,” he cockily said.
I could tell that he wasn’t used to a bitch denying him. I didn’t even bother to respond to him. I ignored his ass while I continued washing the dishes. By the time I was finished cleaning the kitchen, he and I were back in my room, back in my bed. I was lowkey shocked that he was still here, and I wouldn’t admit it to him, but I didn’t want him to leave.
I was on my side of the bed, and he was on his, but right before I got ready to close my eyes and go to sleep, he all but dragged my body to him, placing me directly in front of him and wrapping his arms around me, preventing me from going anywhere. My back was propped up against his front, and his dick was resting peacefully on my ass. I found myself trying to match his breathing, and in his arms, I felt so safe.
Every night I slept at my house alone, I always felt uptight because it was just me. There was a gun that I kept in my nightstand which was supposed to have been my protection, but with Jabari with me tonight, I couldn’t help but feel as if he was my protection. In no time, I drifted off to sleep, safe in his arms.
I woke up the next morning a little bit after 10:00. I no longer felt Jabari’s arms wrapped around me. I turned over, and he wasn’t in bed with me. I quickly got up from the bed and checked my bathroom, and he wasn’t there either. When I went to the window, I looked out, and his car wasn’t out front, which only meant that he left.
“Maybe he left me a text message or something,” I called out.
I went over to my phone to see if he’d texted me, but he hadn’t. I flopped down to the floor with the phone in my hand, feeling like I’d been played. I wasn’t even sure why the fuck I cared so much. He got what he came for last night, so I don’t know why I expected to wake up next to him.
Jashae Johnson
It’s been a month since the funeral. I was nowhere near better. As much shit as I talked about my boss, Ms. Hendrix, being an asshole, she understood. She wasn’t punishing me for not bringing my ass back to work. How could I go back to work? I could hardly do basic things like clean up my house, so I knew that I couldn’t perform my job the way that I used to before this happened.
A month ago, the problem with me was that I wasn’t sleeping, but a couple of weeks ago, I was introduced to Ambien, which was a pill that helped me to sleep. With that pill, I would sleep just about the majority of the day. I wasn’t doing it to harm myself, more so to block out my reality. At least with me being asleep, I wouldn’t have to think about Vonte and him no longer being here. His 18th birthday is tomorrow, and I planned to take two of the pills in the morning so I could sleep the whole day through.
I wasn’t strong enough to go through tomorrow. Since the funeral, Trip has been calling every day nonstop for me to come and see him, and I finally agreed to come this morning. I didn’t want to be in this prison waiting for Trip. I would much rather be at home in my damn bed. I’d been sitting in the visitation room for almost fifteen minutes, waiting for them to bring Trip in. Usually, when I came to see Trip, I would always dress up nice to give him something to miss, but today, I literally couldn’t care less what the hell I looked like. My long hair was still in the two French braids that I put it in last night before I went to bed. I was dressed in a Nike hoodie with the matching sweats and slides were on my feet.
I sat with my hands folded, pretty much just staring off into space. To the left of me was a mother, probably a few years younger than me, sitting at the table with what was probably her son. He looked to be at least six years old. I’m not sure who they were here waiting to see but seeing them reminded me of Vonte and me years ago. He would be so anxious to see his dad. Every two seconds, he was always asking, “When is he coming, mama?”
Little things like that, I just missed. I hadn’t even realized that seeing the mother and her son had gotten me emotional until I felt a tear hit my bottom lip. All of a sudden, the visiting area got louder. I looked up, and they were bringing out the last group of men, and that’s when I saw Trip. He was growing his hair out and his beard. His eyes matched mine, and I’m pretty sure his soul did as well. Usually, when he would come out, I would stand to hug him, but I didn’t bother to move. Hell, he didn’t even bother to stand me up and ask me for a hug.
When he did sit in front of me, though, he leaned his head in and aggressively kissed me on my lips. I didn’t even bother kissing him back.
“I’m surprised you remembered how to make your way over to this motha fucka. Fuck is wrong with you, Jashae? That’s how we doing it now? You going a whole fuckin’ month without seeing me. Your selfish ass ain’t the only one who lost a son. I lost one too, shorty! Did your ass forget that I didn’t get to attend the funeral? You got everybody back at home to be there for you. You’re the only one I got, yo, and that ain’t much of nothing because I can’t get your ass to pick up the phone!” he snapped, hitting the table, and making me jump.
I used my hands to wipe away my tears.
“Giovonni, why would you do this? Why would you do thisss? You had me come down here so you could yell at me? I got enough shit going on at home, and I don’t need you fussing about being there for you when I can barely be there for my fuckin’ self!” I cried.
“You selfish, yo! Selfish ass motha fucka, I swear. I may do some fucked up shit around the way, but when have I ever not been there for you when you needed me, Shae? When?” he asked.
“Now! Right now, Giovonni! I need you now, and you’re not there! You’re here. What the fuck do you want me to do?” I yelled back.
At this point, everyone in the visiting room was looking at us, but I didn’t fuckin’ care. I didn’t care too much about anything these days.
“Physically, I ain’t there, but I pick up the motha fuckin’ phone every time you call, yo,” he barked.
“I don’t want to do this anymore with you, Trip. I don’t want to wait anymore for you,” I cried.
If looks could kill, I would be dead.
“Why? So, you could go fuck on Miami? You think I don’t know about that nigga hugging up on you after my son’s funeral? Selfish ass bitch, you couldn’t wait for Vonte to die so you could start sucking that nigga’s dick!” he barked.
Hearing him say that broke me to pieces, causing me to cry harder than I already was.
“Why would you say that? Why would you say something to me like that? Trip, I hate you! I swear to God I hate your ass” I yelled at him.
Tears were running down my face, snot was coming out of my nose, all of that. I was doing a straight-up ugly cry. I tried to stand up, but he reached over the table and grabbed me by the front of my hoodie then dragged my little ass across the table. He slammed me on my back, making me hit my head on the floor in the process. The guards ca
me over and tackled Trip. I was hurt, and I was watching them hurt Trip, so it made me an emotional wreck.
“Try me if you want to, Shae. You know the type of street nigga you dealing with. You lucky these niggas got me, or else I would have broken your fuckin’ neck!” He shouted all types of insults and threats to me until he was out of the visitation room. About five other guards surrounded me, checking to see if I was okay and if I needed any medical attention. The only medical attention that I was going to need was for them to mend my broken heart, and I didn’t think that they had anything for that, so they couldn’t cure me.
9:00 P.M
My bedroom door was closed, but the door wasn’t locked. My bathroom door was locked, though. I’d just taken one of my sleeping pills, and right now, I was soaking in the tub, resting my bones after the long day that I had. The back of my head was killing me from Trip’s stupid ass slamming me. It would be months before I heard from him again because there was no doubt in my mind that they were going to throw him in the hole for what he did to me in visitation, and even if he does call, I’m not answering.
On my son’s life, I swear to God that I’m done with Trip. I didn’t deserve what he’d did to me earlier today, and he knew it. We were both hurting, but that didn’t give him the right to put his hands on me. My grandmother, my dad, and Mahogany all wanted to know how the visitation went today, but I wouldn’t dare tell either of them what happened because the shit was too embarrassing. I couldn’t help but feel like I was letting Vonte down. He hated when his dad and I argued, but for us to be fighting, that was a totally different thing.
My head was propped up on the back of the tub, and I was fighting my sleep something serious. It didn’t make matters better that the lights were dimmed inside the bathroom, which wasn’t doing anything but making me even sleepier. Every time my head hit the back of the tub, I would jump, waking myself back up. It had gotten to the point that I couldn’t even fight to stay up anymore because eventually, my eyes had drifted off, and I fell into a deep sleep.
Mahogany Williams
Jashae was too quiet. I was in the guest bedroom, and I didn’t hear anything coming from her bedroom. I had just walked back into the house maybe five minutes ago after sitting on the porch, smoking a blunt. I was in my feelings a little bit because I found myself texting Jabari’s dumb ass over two hours ago, and I hadn’t heard back from him yet. In fact, he and I hadn’t spoken to or seen each other since the night that he left my house.
I wouldn’t say I missed him because that was too strong of a word, but I’ll admit that I wanted to see him. I did all this big talk about not loving these niggas and not getting attached, yet I felt like I was hunting this man down. I was a bit content with the fact that I wouldn’t be hearing back from him tonight, so after I finished smoking, I headed back inside the house.
Usually, around this time, I would hear Jashae in her room, crying herself to sleep, but I didn’t hear anything. Not even the television that she would try to play, thinking that it would block out her cries. She’d gotten back hours ago from seeing Trip, and her body language screamed that something had happened, but she wouldn’t say. I was worried about my girl. So worried that one of these days I was going to suggest therapy because I felt like she was getting worse by the day.
I turned the television off in the bedroom that I was sleeping in, slipped on my house shoes, and walked down the long hallway until I was standing in front of Jashae’s bedroom door. I knocked twice, and when I didn’t get an answer, I just walked right in. She wasn’t in her bed, but from where I was standing, I could see that the bathroom door was closed. No noise came from the bathroom, but I could see a little light from under the door. I tried to turn the knob on the bathroom door, but it was locked.
“Shae? Jashae?” I called out her name, but I didn’t get an answer.
“Oh my God! I hope this girl isn’t trying to…” I couldn’t even finish the sentence.
I struggled to get the door to open. What motivated me is the fact that my best friend was in that bathroom, and God only knows what was going on, so I used all of my strength this time, and I was finally able to kick the door in. I ran into the bathroom, and she was underneath the water.
“Jashaeeee! Shaeeee,” I cried, pulling her body up from the full, bubbled water that had turned cold.
I could see that she was breathing, but she was in such a deep sleep. I frantically shook her body, and in seconds, her eyes popped open. She spit out water and started coughing up a storm.
“What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck is wrong with you, Shae?” I screamed, throwing the towel her way.
I was crying, yet I was so angry with her.
“I fell asleep, dammit. Why the hell are you yelling?” she yelled back as she stood up and wrapped the towel around her naked body.
“Because your dumb ass could have drowned in here. Did you take something?” I asked her, and she ignored me.
I went searching through all the cabinets in her bathroom until I finally saw what I was looking for. Everyone knew that Jashae wasn’t a deep sleeper, so for her to have fallen asleep inside the tub, it led me to believe that she was taking something. I found a prescribed bottle of Ambien, and when I read the back of it, with the instructions, all I could do was shake my head.
I went over to the toilet, and she was on my ass, trying to get it out of my hands like this shit was crack to her, but I already had the bottle open, and her little pills were going down the toilet. I quickly flushed it.
“Why the hell would you flush the pills? I need that to sleep,” she screamed and pushed me out of the way.
“No, you want that to sleep! Jashae, what are you doing to yourself? I don’t believe you fell asleep. You want to know what I think? I think your ass tried to kill yourself in here,” I yelled.
“Mahogany, if I wanted to kill myself, I would have done the shit weeks ago! You going to buy me some more of those fuckin’ pills! That’s the only thing that helps me sleep,” she kept saying.
“You hear yourself right now? Now, it’s for you to sleep, then it’ll be you taking it just to cope. Shae, that’s a drug. If you take too much of that shit, it can kill you. That’s probably what you want anyway, though, right? Think about your grandma and your daddy in this shit. They lost Vonte too, now you going to put them in a position where they got to lose you too?” I asked.
“Mahogany, stop! You don’t know what the fuck I’m going through! You don’t have kids, so I don’t expect you to relate,” she yelled.
“I don’t have to fuckin’ relate, Shae! I have a heart, and you’re my best friend so I can sympathize with your ass!” I screamed.
“Get the fuck out, please! Please, I just want to be left alone!” she yelled.
“Why? So, you can find something else to try and kill yourself with? I’m not going nowhere, Shae,” I let her know.
“Could you please stop saying that shit? I WASN’T TRYING TO KILL MYSELF!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, and she pushed me.
I lost my balance and ended up falling back and landing right in the tub. Mourning or not, I got my ass up and slapped the shit out of her. For five minutes straight, we tussled inside this big ass bathroom. She was my best friend at the end of the day, so I didn’t dog walk her ass the way I wanted to. Shae, on the other hand, she wasn’t sparing me. Slaps, punches, even her pulling my hair was all being done to me. Her towel had fallen off, and she was ass naked on top of me, trying to beat my ass.
I was high, so it felt like I was seeing double of her as I swung my arms wildly, trying to land a blow, so she could get her ass off me.
“Jashae, move! Get the hell off me!” I screamed, giving her ass one good push, and she flew off me.
Clothes were soaking wet, and my hair had only gotten wet a little bit. I threw my head back against the wall as I struggled to catch my breath. Shae was in front of me, on the floor as well, trying to put the towel back over her body as she struggled to catch he
r breath. We hadn’t fought like that since like elementary school. For five minutes, we sat in complete silence, not saying shit to each other until she finally broke the silence.
“You still hit like a bitch,” she blurted out.
I didn’t even want to laugh, but I ended up doing it anyway.
“You had the advantage. Bitch, I’m high,” I said, and for the first time in weeks, I got her to laugh.
God, it felt good to hear her laughing again. I didn’t think that it would have ever happened again.
“I needed to release that steam. I have all of this pent-up energy inside me that I needed to release, so thank you for being my punching bag. That’s what best friends are for,” she sarcastically said with a smile on her face.
“You need to get help, Jashae, seriously. What if I wasn’t here? You know you would have died tonight?” I said in all seriousness this time.
“I know. Seriously, Mahogany, I swear I wasn’t trying to kill myself. Those pills will put you in a deep sleep, and the last thing I remember was putting my head back against the wall, and I woke up to you in here yelling and shit. As much as I miss Vonte, and as much as I would put up any amount of money to go and see him again, I realize that it’s not my time yet. I know I need help. I’m losing my mind. It don’t make the situation any better that his birthday is tomorrow. My baby would have been eighteen. I was supposed to get him his first car” she said, and her voice cracked. A lone tear fell from her eye that she quickly wiped away. “Signing day is next month, and I was supposed to have been there with my camera in my hands, waiting for my baby to make his big decision. Prom, graduation, all of that is around the corner. I wonder if this makes me weak? I can’t go a day without crying.
Down With the King of the South Page 15
