by Noel Merczel
The elephant saluted him back. Only now, the dumb animal had made himself at home in Clarence's nice comfy bed! That was going too far.
"Inconsiderate!" Clarence grumbled, as he tried to push the elephant off his sacred boyhood blanket.
"Leave me alone! I'm tired!" the elephant whined.
A loud rumbling noise erupted out of the elephant's rear end.
"Ahhh, that feels better," the elephant cooed.
"NOT ON MY BLANKET YOU INGRATE!" Clarence bellowed. "WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THE CIRCUS?"
Something crashed downstairs.
More elephants! The old man thought. They must be having a party.
"Zippitee -doo-da!" Clarence exclaimed.
He heard the other elephants loudly thumping up the stairs. Soon, they were all in the old man's stuffy bedroom that smelled of mothballs and bad breath, all five of them, slowly circling around him...
"WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU DUMB ELEPHANTS?" Clarence bellowed, almost wishing the pink triangle was there to sit on them.
The elephants weren't listening.
"I hope you cleaned up your mess!" Clarence told them, using his stern voice.
One of the blue elephants, the biggest one, flipped his bright blue trunk menacingly.
"Stupid old man!" said the elephant.
"I beg your pardon!" Clarence said, his dignity bruised.
Clarence held up his index finger, as though lecturing a naughty young child.
"How rude! You..."
Then the big blue elephant thrust one of his gleaming tusks right into Old Man Barnaby's scrawny chest.
The other elephants joined in, trumpeting and stabbing, laughing the whole time like it was great fun. Clarence passed out for a while, blissfully sleeping, just as he had wanted to do, on the well-worn plaid flannel blanket of his youth.
A few minutes later, he arose. When he looked down at himself, he was amazed.
Why, he had turned into the mummy from the Abbott and Costello movie. How wonderful!
Where was that Lou Costello, anyway? Clarence would find him.
And then he would eat him. He would eat Lou Costello alive, bones and all!
Clarence laughed hysterically. Only it didn't come out sounding like a laugh. It sounded more like a low guttural hiss.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Daniella's life was an upper middle class dream come true. Her husband, Byron, made enough money as a dentist to pay for two full weeks each summer at their favorite vacation destination, Key West, Florida... at a very ritzy hotel.
When Daniella was growing up, the only vacation she ever went on was to visit her grandmother who lived in Pinewood Village, NJ....near the shore, although they never even went to the shore. The muddy little lake in the retirement village was supposed to be thrilling enough.
Plus, now - in Daniella's new and improved life - she didn't need to work. She was free to be a full time mommy, a job she reveled in.
Shady Oaks was the perfect midwest neighborhood for families. Besides being super close to the local Maybelline’s, a favorite retail haunt of young moms, there was a club house, a pool, a lake, tennis courts, pre-school, and of course, the nine hole golf course Byron loved so much.
Daniella loved all the classes and events that were available for young moms and children – like the Halloween party every year and the Christmas pancake breakfast with Santa (cheerfully played by Doug Morgan, a long time rather paunchy resident of Shady Oaks).
Most of all, Daniella appreciated the Mommy and Me Club every Thursday morning in the clubhouse activity room.
So, Daniella's life was just about perfect. Her life was everything she could have dreamed of when she was growing up in the blue collar town of Piscataway, New Jersey. She was living in a nice house in a safe neighborhood with a perfect family, friends, and no money worries. She even had a brand new career she was embarking on.
She was writing a children’s book!
Daniella's manuscript featured a plucky little girl named Francine who loved frogs. The problem (since every good book included an obstacle to overcome) was that all of Francine's friends thought frogs were icky.
Daniella culled this idea straight from her own childhood. She used to love frogs... still did, which explained why she owned so much frog décor....which was at odds with Byron's "much more sophisticated" taste.
In the book,her main character, Francine, slept with a stuffed frog, wore a frog hat, and hopped around shouting, "RIBBET! RIBBET "- which caused a lot of trouble in school and at the supermarket.
Writing the children's book had so consumed Daniella for the last two days, that she kept finding herself doing dumb things. For instance, yesterday she placed the remote control in the refrigerator only to discover her error when she retrieved a cold Ginger-Ale an hour later.
She had another problem. Daniella was so into thinking about her children's book (Should Francine suggest to her grandma that her bed was a giant lily-pad?) that she had completely lost her appetite.
She had absolutely no desire for food, and the smell of certain things, like the chicken salad with relish in it, which she had so enjoyed last week, suddenly made her gag.
So Daniella just ate a few of her daughter's animal crackers and whipped up some instant vanilla pudding. She didn't even feel like eating those things, but she knew she had to eat something.
Not that she was too skinny. It's just that Daniella was well aware of how much Byron enjoyed squeezing her breasts and firm apple shaped butt, and she didn't want to lose these attributes for fear her husband wouldn't get turned on anymore.
She couldn't risk that! Too many other women were waiting in line for a piece of her successful husband if she didn't measure up in every single way.
Yesterday at Maybelline’s, Daniella purchased two different home pregnancy tests, just to make sure the nausea wasn't being caused by the excessive hormones of early pregnancy. After all, she had been nauseous with Brooklyn almost constantly for the first three months.
Not that she'd been trying to get pregnant!. She and Byron always took precautions. They planned to have another baby eventually (of course, Byron wanted a boy) but not just yet. Nevertheless, accidents do happen.
So, despite the fact Daniella had gotten her period on schedule (she had read somewhere that it's still possible for a woman to get her period while pregnant) Daniella had taken the first test recalling the joy she had felt when she first found out she was pregnant with Brooklyn.
Daniella had mixed feelings about the prospect. However, the point was entirely moot. She wasn't pregnant. The first test proved negative and Daniella was surprised at how relieved she felt.
Maybe her feelings weren’t so mixed, after all.
She had taken the second test just to be extra sure, and that one proved negative, as well.
Right now, Daniella was writing the last part of her children's book. The story was at the point where Francine, otherwise known as Frog Girl, was planning to host a big frog-themed birthday party in an attempt to turn all her little frog-hating friends into frog-lovers, just like herself.
Suddenly, Daniella had the most uncontrollable urge to scratch that darn mosquito bite on her right shoulder. The damn, er darn thing was the itchiest bug bite she'd ever experienced. It was so annoying. And huge! Daniella licked her finger and wet the giant puffy pillow that was growing into a miniature Mount Everest.
First, she teased herself by scratching lightly all around the bite. Then, when she couldn't stand it anymore, she really dug into it. Luckily, she had short nails.
It was so satisfying! Almost as good as the orgasms she gave herself after she had sex with Byron and he was sprawled out next to her, snoring. She just imagined she was naked, spread out in the middle of the beach; the waves crashing; someone in a boat peeking at her through binoculars....
"Damn! I mean...darn it," Daniella said.
She made the bite bleed with her overly aggressive s
cratching..
"Shouldn't have done that," she told herself, rubbing the blood back into her skin.
Daniella sighed and turned her attention back to the story on her computer. For some reason, she kept staring at the word "couch," thinking the word didn't look right. In fact, the sight of the word "couch" was making her feel slightly nauseas.
"That's weird," Daniella told herself, shaking her head. She chalked it up to a silly brain glitch. She did have a headache after all. She'd been battling a non-stop headache for the past few days that didn't seem to respond to Ibuprofen. Daniella assumed it must be some sort of migraine. She continued typing.
"Frannie was thinking she could have cupcakes with green icing and fake flies on top. But Frannie's Mom told her that this was probably not a good idea..."
Suddenly, Daniella typed something very strange into the computer. She stopped and stared at the words. The strange words stared back as though they were mocking her.
How on earth did that happen? Daniella read the words again.
"Then the mushroom came to life and grew as tall as the Empire State Building!"
WHAAAT?
Daniella stared in horror at the weird words on her computer screen.
She had just typed them.
Or had she?
Was her computer possessed?
"Maybe it's a computer virus..." she mumbled.
Sure, that could be, she tried to convince herself.
Daniella glanced over at her two year old daughter, Brooklyn. Brooklyn was happily playing with two stuffed cats in the corner, babbling in her own secret toddler language.
She would have to take the computer over to Office Max. How inconvenient! Especially since she was right on the verge of finishing the book and was anxious to start mailing it in to publishers.
She hit the "SAVE" button, just in case. Then she decided she would try to finish the story anyway when something caught her eye...something bright red and glowing. Thinking it was one of Brooklyn's toys, Daniella looked down. But it wasn't one of Brooklyn's toys.
IT WAS HER FOOT!
HER FOOT WAS BRIGHT RED!
But this wasn't the kind of red you get from a rash or a skin irritation. This was the sort of red that resembled a glowing ember, and that ember was emanated from deep inside her foot!
Her foot almost looked translucent, like a fake plastic foot with a bright red light pulsating inside of it... like the bat phone from that dumb old show Batman that Byron liked to watch.
Suddenly, Daniella screamed, which caused Brooklyn to stare at her in horror.
"WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FOOT?" she shrieked.
The toddler’s face began crumbling into that familiar I'm about to bawl my head off expression.
Daniella looked down at her foot again.
This time, it was perfectly normal.
"Oh my God!" Daniella gasped. "What the hell is wrong with me?"
She certainly couldn't blame a glowing red foot on a computer virus. This almost seemed like something....supernatural.
Right on cue, Brooklyn started crying and Daniella had to quickly switch over to "Mommy Mode."
"It's okay, pumpkin!" Daniella told her daughter, who slowed the crying down to a whimper but still looked unsure.
"Mommy just had a little boo-boo," Daniella explained.
In the brain, Daniella thought.
"Ma-ma?" Brooklyn asked.
Daniella was ready to give her young daughter a reassuring look. However, when she looked over at Brooklyn, she no longer saw the toddler with the head of wispy brown curls and the soft velvet brown eyes.
Instead, she saw....A GIANT SQUIRREL?
Daniella controlled herself. She didn't want to scream again. So there was a giant squirrel sitting right where her daughter had been. No big deal. She was just going insane, that's all!
The squirrel, which resembled a giant stuffed squirrel come to life, stared at Daniella with a quizzical expression.
"Oh, fuck – I mean fudge!" Daniella swore, who was working diligently to control her bad swearing habit she had picked up from her parents and friends back in New Jersey. She especially didn't want to drop the “F” bomb in front of Brooklyn.
But where was Brooklyn?
"Go fuck a duck, sister!" the squirrel said back to her, in a voice that sounded just like Mini Me from the Austin Powers movie.
Daniella closed her eyes. Maybe it was the migraine that was doing it. Daniella had experience migraines before, where she had to go into a dark room and cut out all outside stimuli.
Still... she'd never experienced anything like this. She had read that some people see an aura with a migraine. Daniella had never been exactly sure what an aura was, but she always thought it had something to do with colors.
But maybe aura really meant odd hallucinations that included family members turning into giant stuffed squirrels.
Giant stuffed squirrels with trash mouths!
When she finally opened her eyes, Daniella saw her young daughter standing where the giant squirrel had been. The toddler was still clutching both of her stuffed cats and staring at her mother with big round questioning eyes.
"Ma-ma?" Brooklyn asked again.
"Mama's just tired, sweetie!" Daniella said, attempting a smile. In truth, Daniella really was tired. So tired.... "Are you tired, too? Is it naptime?"
Yes, it was definitely naptime, Daniella decided.
After she read Brooklyn her favorite Dr. Seuss book, Fox in Socks, Daniella tucked her daughter and her stuffed cats in for a nap. She would make an appointment with her doctor tomorrow. Sure, she could just use the migraine as a convenient excuse for what happened...but something still didn't sit right with her...
Even though she did feel tired, Daniella was far too anxious to take a nap.
What if I have something more serious wrong with me? she worried, as she walked back downstairs to the computer room. Like a brain tumor?
Daniella didn't even want to say those frightening words in her head...and yet...what if?
What if she was psychotic? People with mental illnesses have hallucinations...
Daniella didn't dare type the scary symptom of "hallucinations" into Google. She couldn't handle the hideous results that would inevitably pop up. The computer would probably tell her she had aids or rabies or something...
Rabies! Sometimes they saw bats flying around at night, but she would know if she'd been bitten by one....Oh wait...there was that stray cat that day out in the yard. It was hanging around the bird feeder.
Brooklyn saw it. Daniella went running after he daughter, warning her young daughter not to touch....
She had grabbed Brooklyn just as the toddler reached out for the animal...and then the small black and white cat got up and raced past them, lightly grazing Daniella's arm. But the scratch went away quickly and it didn't break any skin.
She should see a doctor. She just dreaded telling Byron about all this. Byron hated anything that might upset his perfectly ordered life. Maybe she'd wait...hopefully after a good night's sleep she would feel like herself again.
Perhaps she should cut down on the caffeine...
Daniella made the decision not to tell her husband about her unusual symptoms...not yet, anyway.
Besides,it’s probably nothing! she tried to convince herself.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Byron was in an exceptionally good mood when he strolled through the front door at six sharp - all six feet three inches of him. Actually, what Byron did was glide. He glided through his life like he was perpetually on roller-skates; always glib and charming... Mr. Sexy Successful Dentist.
Immediately, Byron insisted they sit out on the deck under the pergola and enjoy the nice breeze that had kicked up.
"Shouldn't be too buggy out there!" he declared. "Oh, babe! You got some wicked acne!"
"What?" Daniella asked, immediately reaching for the gold compact in her purse.
Acne? She had some wicked acne in high school. It had depressed her horribly. She always made such a point to cover it up, her Sears make-up mirror turned to the highest number magnifying setting. But acne hadn't really been a problem for years.
Daniella opened the compact and inspected her face. Sure enough, next to her nose on the right side there was a huge angry red circle. Daniella ran her finger over the spot. It wasn't bumpy like a regular pimple, but it had a weird sensitivity to it.
