5,331 Miles

by Aster, Willow

  “What if you get him something and if he gives you something, you’ll have it ready just in case?” I suggest.

  “What if he gets me something fabulous like jewelry and I’ve bought him a mug?”

  We giggled over that and weren’t paying attention when we went down the wrong aisle and ended up in the baby section of Nordstrom.

  “Well, I hope you’re not trying to tell me something,” I said and we laughed harder.

  The girl in front of us turned around to see who was making all the commotion and Mum and I stopped in our tracks.

  It was Heather, hair dirty and not dyed platinum blond like it had been all through high school. But what stood out the most was that she was hugely pregnant.

  She stared at me and then waddled away as fast as she could.

  Mum clutched my arm and looked at me. I shook and her hands steadied me.

  “Do you think—?” I whispered.

  “No, no. Can’t be his.” She shook her head, but I could see the concern in her eyes. “She would’ve been flinging it in your face before now if that were the case.”

  A few torturous days after that, I knew Jaxson was in town when I got home from work and there was a note from him on the front door.

  I’m so sorry. You were right. And I’ve been the worst kind of asshole.

  Anne told Mum later that Derek had finally admitted Heather was having his baby and that he’d been sleeping with Heather off and on since they were fifteen.

  “But she always wanted Jaxson,” Mum said. “Derek told Jaxson he thought she’d wanted to sleep with Jaxson once more at prom to make him think it was his. Sounds like Derek is finally done with her too, but he’s going to make sure he’s a good dad.”

  I tried to work up the energy to care, but it was too late to even feel justified. I knew Jaxson must be hurt and that was unfortunate, but I didn’t feel the need to go tell him I forgave him when I didn’t know if I ever could, and he didn’t feel the need to try to talk to me the rest of the time he was home.

  I heard from him every birthday, either a text or a voice mail, but other than that, he was silent. It’s hard to believe, but it was years before I saw him again.

  37

  Present

  Sept 2020

  I’m touching up on my British ways. It’s like putting on a familiar sweater and putting my hands in the pockets to find a favorite smooth stone from the beach.

  It’s part of me.

  Life in Holmes Chapel is quieter than I remembered, but I love it. I feel grounded in a way I haven’t since living here as a girl. I miss California…with everything in me. It still feels like home too, but I needed to step away and figure out who I really want to be.

  I completed my year at the university nearby and it feels great to be done. I used my dad’s address to qualify for home student fees. Things with my dad haven’t changed overnight and still aren’t perfect, but he was happy to pretend I lived with him…only wishing I would make it legit. He’s different now. Humbled. Kinder. I’ve been getting to know him again, and day by day, I feel the bitterness slowly leaving my system. But no, I won’t be moving into his house. That would be taking it too far. I’m enjoying my freedom too much.

  I work at a small salon in town and for the last three months I’ve been doing makeup for weddings. I miss having Liesl with me at every wedding, but it’s been good practice to do it on my own.

  Winston and I live in a cute little first-floor, one-bedroom corner flat. It’s nothing fancy, and I don’t have much to fill it up, but I like the simplicity of only having the bare necessities. What I’m lacking in furniture, I’m making up for with plants. My first month after moving here, I was homesick and depressed over how dreary everything was in the winter, so I bought a plant, and it turns out I have a way with them. When Mum and Dave came to visit me in the spring, they were shocked and maybe somewhat worried. We FaceTime every other day and I think Mum is finally relaxing over the fact that her baby is across the globe.

  I haven’t heard from Jaxson. At all.

  The guilt eats away at me some days—that I left without saying goodbye, that I didn’t try to give us a fair chance—but most of the time, I attempt to put him out of my mind and just be. I didn’t know how much healing I needed to do until I had this time of quiet, but also time with my dad…it’s been eye-opening. A conversation during a lunch date with Dad a few days ago sort of knocked me over the head, and I’m beginning to realize why it’s been so important for me to be here.

  “I talked to your mum the other day,” he said.

  “I didn’t know you and Mum talk,” I looked at him, shocked.

  “Since you’ve been here, we have,” he said. “And, uh, she wanted to know if I thought you were still running from your feelings for Jaxson. I told her you haven’t said a word about that boy. I didn’t know he was still in the picture.”

  “I don’t want to talk about him with you, Dad.”

  “Well, why not?” he demanded, his bushy eyebrows distracting me.

  “I’m sure you’ll make me feel ridiculous for being upset over the things he’s done…and well, maybe I left before he could leave me. I’m always the one who gets left, you know? You left. Jaxson left. Tyra left. Jaxson left again. I don’t think my heart is up to being abandoned another time.”

  Dad ran a hand over his beard and looked distraught. “Mirabelle…I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you and your mum. The hurt I’ve caused by not being a part of your life…I don’t deserve your love, I really don’t. But Jaxson…well, I don’t know what he’s done to you, but your mum seems to believe he’s a good person and that he’s in love with you.” He stopped and let that sink in, and when he seemed assured I’d heard him, he continued. “Don’t put my sins on his head. If that’s what you’ve been doing, you’re hurting yourself and him too…and you’re missing out on something lasting.”

  I’ve been thinking about it for days. Shocked that it took my dad to help me see the truth. Wondering if I’ve been a fool.

  I’m pretty sure I have been.

  * * *

  Two weeks pass and I feel like I’m coming down with something. I feel sluggish, no energy whatsoever. I can’t pinpoint any certain thing that feels terrible necessarily; I just don’t feel right. Dad keeps checking on me and says I have a case of the mopes.

  “Or maybe it’s lovesickness?” He wiggles his eyebrows, but to my utter humiliation, I burst into tears.

  He tries to get me to talk, but I can’t. It’s like the distance between Jaxson and me has suddenly caught up with my heart and my brain isn’t overriding it anymore. I miss him with a desolation and longing that feels like a starvation that is never fed. My entire body hurts with the missing.

  Once Saturday hits, I shower and then get back into my pajamas, letting my hair air dry while Winston and I play fetch. Winston goes flying after the ball, picks it up with his teeth, and then drops it, growling at the door.

  “What is it, boy? I didn’t hear anything…”

  He runs to the sound, still growling, so I stumble over him to get to the peephole and open the door to show him that no one is there. But he sniffs something and when I lean down, I see a CD in a slim, clear case with no writing on it.

  I poke my head out further but don’t see anyone.

  “Creepy, but you were right. I’m glad we’ve got your ears,” I tell Winston, scratching his neck.

  I grab my laptop—the only thing I have that will play a CD—and I pop it in.

  I recognize the sound of the band immediately and when I hear Jaxson’s voice, my throat constricts. I put my face in my hands and weep when I hear the words.

  We said we would do it all,

  With a list and promises

  We said time would not conquer us…

  We’d always be the two of us,

  Knowing and known,

  And always home

  To each other

  We traveled far and wide

  And somet
imes pride got in the way

  Even when I lost myself,

  You gave me another chance

  I wish I could go back again,

  Tell the kid to man up then.

  (I’d give anything to go back again)

  It was there all the time,

  A love so pure, and so alive,

  Went to hell and still survived

  5,331 Miles

  I grab a sweater before the song has finished playing and rush out of my flat, Winston’s ears flapping as he runs next to me. I open the door to my building and Jaxson is there in the parking lot, leaning against a car.

  He doesn’t smile when he sees me. He looks like a tragic figure, devastatingly handsome and stoic; he puts his hands in his pockets and watches me get closer and closer.

  When I’ve almost reached him, the car next to him starts and I gasp. It’s my dad. He smirks and gives me a brisk wave before backing up, not waiting around to see what happens.

  I stop when my feet bump into Jaxson’s. He reaches out and wipes a tear from my cheek.

  “Jaxson.” It comes out as a sob, and I lean my head onto his chest.

  His arms circle around me, making me instantly feel better. Home. One of his hands moves to my hair and he gives it a soft tug, forcing me to look up at him.

  “I don’t care where we are. I just want to be where you are,” he says. “Do you believe me yet? And does it matter?”

  Tears fall down both of my cheeks and his thumbs catch them. “It matters,” I tell him. “It means everything.”

  “You say the word and I will move heaven and earth to be with you. Nothing will come between us.”

  And this time, for maybe the first time since my tenth birthday, I believe him.

  “I’m done running,” I say.

  His mouth crashes into mine, claiming what I’ve held back from him for so long.

  “Come inside,” I whisper against his lips.

  * * *

  We barely make it inside my flat before I’m climbing him like a tree. He lifts me the rest of the way, wrapping my legs around his waist and propping me against the back of the door, kissing me hard.

  “I love you,” he whispers against my lips when we come up for air.

  He moves down the hall and into my room, tossing me on the bed like I weigh nothing. I grin when he pulls my pajama pants down.

  “Still feeling Christmas-y, huh?” he teases, throwing my reindeer pants behind his shoulder.

  I tug on his shirt and lift it over his head. “Later, I will be embarrassed about how awful I looked when you saw me again for the first time in so long, but right now, let’s get naked.”

  “You could never look awful, but I agree…we should get naked.” His teeth look stark white against his skin and he is out of his pants in seconds flat.

  I reach up and pull his boxer briefs down, eyes widening at the sight of him.

  He groans, leaning over me. “You’re making me crazy, looking at me like that. Let me see you.” He pulls my shirt over my head and pulls his lower lip between his teeth when he sees I’m not wearing a bra. “I can’t believe this is happening,” he says, leaning down to take my nipple between his teeth. “Definitely feels real…” He tugs it back, looking at me when he does and I arch into him. “Oh, I can’t wait,” he whispers.

  He moves his fingers between my legs and works his way in and out of me, the sound of my excitement making me flush. I close my eyes and when he pulls his fingers out, just as I’m about to lose it, I moan. He drives into me, filling me with one long push, and I pulse around him, throwing my head back and crying out his name.

  He looks beautiful and tormented, a fine sheen of sweat on his forehead, but he thrusts into me with a singular focus, starting an agonizing pace where he pulls out and then hits every nerve ending when he drags himself back in.

  I can’t think straight. It feels like heaven. “Faster,” I cry.

  He goes faster and faster, until I feel like I might pass out, it’s so good. Just when I think I can’t take another second of hanging over the edge, we both explode and the feeling eclipses all rational thought.

  While he’s still inside of me, both of us still feeling the gentle waves of our connection, I realize that if I want it—this all-encompassing love for the rest of my life—all I have to do is take the leap and let the miles of hurt and bitterness and pain dissolve once and for all. This feeling of utter fullness, being filled up by him in every possible way, can be mine if I will only let him in.

  38

  Present

  July 2021

  Can we really have it all? What do you think, DD? I think I’m going to do my best to find out. I’m sure we’ll even have some surprises along the way.

  XO, Mira

  The past ten months have flown by.

  Jaxson and his band have created quite the stir in England; their indie single of “5,331 Miles” is being played on every college radio station and it’s gotten the attention of a reputable label in L.A. Charles has finally accepted that besides me, music is what makes Jaxson happiest, and if things don’t soar with a music career, he always has a place in Charles’ company.

  Tonight we’ve been talking about buying airline tickets to finally return to California for good, but Jaxson distracts me by pulling me into bed. He isn’t happy unless I yell his name at least twice in the heat of the moment, and this time he goes for three.

  “What’s gotten into you?” I laugh when he collapses next to me, both of us panting hard.

  “Maybe we should give it another try…” he says, rolling over to face me.

  “Give what another try?”

  “The list. I’ve been thinking…we were trying to do all of those things when we weren’t together.” He leans in and kisses me until I’m ready to crawl on top of him and see if we can go for round four or five. “Maybe that’s why it never worked.”

  “Hmm. I don’t know. I’m a little scared to see what else could go wrong.”

  He reaches over to pet Winston and smiles. “I think we’ve gotten through the worst, don’t you? Even Winston has finally warmed up to me. How about we give Paris another try?”

  I smile and kiss him back…and end up crawling on top of him before we buy the tickets to Paris.

  When the day comes and we’re finally on the plane, I smile again thinking of that night. We’re about to land in Paris and I’ve gotten over my jitters. I’ll miss that little flat in Holmes Chapel, but I’m ready for whatever adventure is next.

  Liesl has been after me to come home and help her with all the celebrity weddings she’s been working. I’ve flown back to do a few of them with her and the potential is huge.

  Winston is sleeping in a soft carrier under the seat in front of me and Jaxson has been a bit preoccupied on the flight. Neither of us are great flyers after our emergency landing. I usually take something to knock me out and would have this time if the flight weren’t so short.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” I ask for the second time in an hour.

  He leans over until his nose touches mine. “I’m great.”

  That’s all he says and I decide to believe him and let it go.

  I always breathe much easier when I’m on the ground and Jaxson does too, his earlier pensiveness dissolving once we land. We check into Hôtel de Crillon, one of the few hotels in Paris to allow dogs, and I think the staff might treat Winston even better than us. After we get him settled into the room, we go sightseeing and stop at two different cafes, getting wine and fresh bread and cheeses at both. It’s so good and we eat so much, we don’t really need dinner after that. We’re buzzed and slightly giddy when we fall into bed that night, and with the starry night twinkling into our room, we worship each other until the sun comes up.

  “Today was perfect…I think it’s safe to say the curse has lifted,” Jaxson whispers, kissing me one more time before we fall asleep.

  * * *

  On our last day, we sleep in, order room service, and
take Winston for a walk. After he’s worn out, we take him back to the hotel and go to the Eiffel Tower. It is beautiful, day or night, and from every angle. We ride the lift on the way up and it’s worth waiting with the crowd to experience it.

  When we get off the lift and see the panoramic view, Jaxson turns to me and kisses me, our hair whipping around in the breeze. I’m so overwhelmed that we’re here and together and happy.

  “It’s better than I expected,” I whisper. “This view. You and me. My heart…you make my heart pound like this every day,” I tell him, placing his hand over my racing heart.

  Jaxson gets choked up, and I tease him as we walk the 704 steps down the Eiffel Tower.

  “Paris suits you,” I tell him. “I like sentimental Jaxson.”

  He smirks but doesn’t say anything. He still looks like he might cry.

  We go back to the hotel to shower and change for dinner. We haven’t dressed up the whole trip, and I’m a little surprised to see Jaxson in a suit when I step out of the bathroom in only my underwear but full hair and makeup done.

  “Oh, look at you,” I say, grinning. “Do we really need to go anywhere? Let’s just stay here and look at you in your suit.”

  “Had I known that’s all it took to make you happy…” He laughs.

  I pull a short red cocktail dress out of my suitcase and wave it in front of him. His mouth drops like I knew it would.

  “I did bring a little something you might like. We’ll see.” I shrug.

  “Here, let me just take this from you for a moment,” he says, taking the dress and carefully draping it across a chair. “Bend over,” he says, giving my back a little nudge and then dipping his fingers inside me. “I’ll see if I can ruin you without letting a hair go out of place.” He pulls a curl. “Although I do love it messy.”