The porridge makes my tummy rumble. I didn't get dinner too last night. I didn't have anything all day. My mum forgets about it because they had to go to the hospital. I know she will give me some food later. If I am good and she doesn’t forget. She forgets lots of times. She is very busy.
The nurse smiles at me. It makes me smile too. She tells me I can come and sit at the table. I do. I climb on the chair next to her. “He likes his food,” I say to her.
She nods her head. “Yes he does.”
“He doesn’t ever like food,” I tell her. “He thinks it will make him choke like when he was a baby.”
She asks me about it. I tell her that he doesn’t eat the food at home. He doesn’t ever like it. He only likes his baby bottle. I tell her maybe he thinks he is a baby. She laughs about it.
“Do you eat the food?” she asks me. I nod my head lots of times. I don't tell her about the badness. Then I don't get food. I don't want her to know I am bad inside.
“What did you have for breakfast?” she asks. I don't know what to say about it. I didn't get any yet. I tell her I didn't eat it. We were too busy and then we had to come to the hospital.
She asks if my mum and dad are nice. I nod my head. They are the bestest mum and dad in the whole wide world. They give me lots of things and lots of food. But my brother doesn’t like to eat it.
“Your mum is very sad about it,” the nurse says to me. My mum is outside. She is still crying. I see her through the glass.
“My mum gets sad lots of times,” I tell the nurse. She does all the things she can. But then we make it all a mess and she doesn’t know what to do. She is very busy taking care of us. The nurse asks if my mum gets mad at me. Maybe the nurse knows about my badness. I don't want her to know about it. Not ever. No one gets to know. I shake my head big about it. But I make my arms hug me and then no badness gets out and she doesn’t know about it.
“Do you know where the cafe is?” she asks. “You can get breakfast there.”
I know I can’t. My mum doesn’t have lots of money. I don't be allowed to go. “I’m not hungry.”
She gets the paper out of the pocket. She writes my name on it and then she writes her name on it too. She puts the words breakfast and lunch on it. “If you take this to the cafe, they will let you have breakfast and lunch,” she says.
I look at my mum. I don't know if I get in trouble about it. I don't have Mr. Ted. I am very hungry. I don't want to say no. Maybe they have cereal there with the sugar on them. Maybe all the crying gets out. I don't know if it is bad to get the food paper.
The nurse puts it on the table. “It can be a secret,” she says.
The other nurse doesn’t see. She doesn’t know the nice nurse gave me food paper. When she looks away, I take it very fast like Superman. It is mine and I get breakfast. I put it in my pocket. I don't tell anyone.
I put my finger on my mouth and whisper shush. I keep it a secret.
Three
My brother eats his breakfast all up. He is very good. The nurse says he can have another sticker. He smiles big about it. They write down what food he ate. They tell him he is a very good boy. The nice nurse asks me if I think he is a good boy. I smile very big and say yes. The other nurse says he is good too. Then she asks if she can listen inside his tummy. Maybe she wants to hear his breakfast. He lets her and lifts up his top.
Andrew says we have to look at the other nurse. Then we know what her face looks like. He knows how to be a spy. We do it when we get food. Then she doesn’t catch us with the paper thing. Andrew says we can hide like real spies and then she doesn’t see us and then we don't get in trouble about it. Maybe Andrew can have a paper thing for the food too.
The nice nurse asks me lots of questions. But I don't know the answer. Andrew doesn’t know them too. I wish I had Mr. Ted and he doesn’t be in my bag. He knows all the answers to everything. She asks me what time my brother goes to bed. Where he sleeps and if he has supper at bedtime. But I don't know. I don't sleep at their house at night time.
I tell the nurse I don't know about it. “I have sleep over’s in my Nan's house,” I tell her. She asks me why. It makes my tummy feel bad inside. I don't tell her my mum doesn’t like me. Then she makes me go away. I don't want the nurse to know I am bad inside. I am very bad. My brother is very good. My badness comes out and makes my mum sad. I don't get to sleep at my mum’s house until I get better from the badness inside. “My Nan’s house is next to my school and my mum doesn’t have lots of room,” I tell her. That is what my mum says about it.
She asks if I ever sleep at my mum’s house. I nod my head about it. I tell her I do. She asks me lots of things. I get them all mixed up. I don't know why she asks me lots of things. Maybe she thinks I am bad. Then she wants to know.
My mum says people ask lots of things because they are nosey and they want to make trouble. It is like the nosey old bat lolly pop lady at the school. Lots of people stick their oar in. But I don't know what an oar is. It is bad. My mum gets very mad when they do it. She says my Nan does it too. But I don't ever see her have an oar. Maybe it is a secret. I ask Mr. Ted but he doesn’t know either.
The nurse tells my brother she is very happy he eats all his food. He is big and clever about it. She asks him to promise to eat his lunch. He can have another sticker if he does. He promises. I want to tell her I eat my food. Then she gives me stickers too. But I don't. Maybe she gets mad about it because I get in the way.
The nurse says it is time to go back to the room where the bed is. She says she will get some stickers for him. The nurse asks me if I know where the room is. I nod my head very big. Andrew knows the way. “Can you be a big brother and take him?” I say yes. I smile big about it. I like being big. I get up and then I hold my brother’s hand. He doesn’t want to. But he has to. Then he doesn’t get lost. The nurse tells him he has to go with me back to our mum. My mum doesn’t be outside the room. I didn't see her go away. Maybe she went far away.
The room isn’t very far away. It has a long big corridor. There is Mickey Mouse on the wall and a big house. It looks very nice. Someone drew it very good. I like to draw. But I don't draw big like that. I take my brother to the room where the beds are. My mum is in there. She runs to my brother and picks him up. She gives him a big hug and asks him if he is okay. He shows her his dog sticker. My mum pushes my hand off. I don't be allowed to hold his hand. Maybe I make him have filthy arms. My mum tells me lots of times to get my filthy arms off her. My mum tells me to go away. I ask if I can play outside.
The nurse brings the book with the food things. She shows my mum. She wrote in it that my brother ate a bowl of porridge and he had a drink of juice. Then she put the time. She tells my mum how to do it. My mum is very happy that he ate all his food. I get my bag when my mum is talking. She looks at me with her mad eyes. I know I get in the way. I go away. Then she doesn’t get sad I am there.
The hospital is very big. Maybe I can get lost. Maybe it is like a big house. Lots of people live there. The walls are green and the floor is green too. Like grass. But it isn’t grass. Grass is only outside. It is shiny and clean. It is miles and miles long. I look all the way. But it is a long way. It is slippery. Mr. Ted says ready, set, and go, then we run very fast. I jump and make my feet slide. They slide along the floor and make a squeak sound. There isn’t anyone there. They don't tell me off. I know the bad man sees. I look up at the roof. Maybe he has secret cameras and he can see me. I tell him I am sorry. I don't mean to be bad about it.
My dad doesn’t like when I do the slide thing. He says I make my shoes have holes in them. He doesn’t have the money to pay when I make things broken because I play stupid games. He has to work very hard and I don't care about it. I make everything broken.
I tell Andrew we don't slide anymore. He says we can look around. There are lots of corridors on the sides. They go to different places. They have signs that say their names. Maybe we can sneak in them and get lost. I try to get lost lots of time w
hen I play on my bike. But I don't ever do it. I always get back home again. Mr. Ted says maybe if we do it with our eyes closed then we don't know where we are going. Then we get lost. I try it sometimes. But my eyes keep getting open because I don't want to fall over when I bash into things.
I make my eyes closed when I walk with my Nan. I hold her hand. Then I close my eyes. But I don't get lost. I try to make myself fall to sleep so I can sleepwalk. But my eyes open lots of times. There is one corridor that has a slope. It doesn’t have a green floor. It has a white floor instead. It is shiny too. Then it goes around the corner. Andrew says maybe we can go down there. Maybe it is where they keep all the monsters. I tell Andrew we can bring skates in the morning time. We can stand on it and go very fast. He thinks it is a good idea.
The cafe is at the end of the long green corridor. It has a pattern on the floor. Like lots of bricks. Maybe it is the green brick road. Like the yellow one. I don't like the film with the witch in it. I watch it lots of times with my Nan. But I hide. I don't like when the witch hides in the trees. Then she jumps out with her scary face. She makes me get pictures about the bad man. It makes him come and get me. I watched it with my mum. But I had to go to the toilet. He hided upstairs. I didn't know about it.
Maybe the green brick road doesn’t have witches. Maybe it has trolls and things. I don't like them too. My dad says trolls eat people up. They take them in their caves. Then they hang them up forever and eat them. Trolls are mean. Mr. Ted says maybe we can feed the witches to the trolls.
I walk up the stairs. They have metal on the edge. I make the metal feel in the middle of my foot. It doesn’t be allowed to feel anywhere else. It makes me feel bad if I do it wrong. Then I have to do it again. I count the stairs. But I don't say four. I never say four. Four is bad.
The cafe smells very nice. It makes my tummy get excited. It is very hungry. There are big doors. I push them open. Me and Andrew pretend we are doctors. There are lots of doctors in there. Maybe they think so too. I don't see the nurse.
There are lots of tables and chairs. I get to the food thing. It is like the one my Nan takes me to at the tower. Not like the one we get at school. At school, we stand in a line. We get a tray and then we get food. But I get a tray and then I get to pick the food. I can read very well. My mum showed me how to do it. Then I can read books and not get on her nerves. I read all the signs. It says I can pick one thing. There are lots of things though. I ask Mr. Ted what we should get. He doesn’t know.
I get rice krispies. But I get the kind that has the sugar on them already. They don't need more sugar. Then the sugar doesn’t get in the milk at the bottom. I don't like it when it does that. It tastes very bad. I get some orange juice too. It is nice and cold. It has lots of bits in it.
Graham used to get orange that had bits in it when I had sleepovers in his house. He let me have it at breakfast time. Graham said they squish lots and lots of oranges and make the orange juice. He said they come from trees. I don't ever see an orange tree. It makes me sad in my tummy. Mr. Ted gets sad too. Graham went to heaven. I wish he didn't go there.
I give the lady at the till the paper. She doesn’t say anything about it. I don't want her to shout at me. But she doesn’t. Andrew says we should sit all the way at the back. Then no one sees us. It is a good idea. I take my tray and I sit in the corner. No one sees me and no one thinks I am greedy. I filled my bowl big with krispies and then there is lots of milk on it. I try not to make it spill over when I walk. I don't want any to go away.
I take Mr. Ted out of my bag. I put him on the chair. No one sees him. He is magic. Andrew sits too. The cereal makes lots of popping noises. We listen to it until all the pops go away. Then I squish it down with my spoon. I make the milk get on my spoon but not the krispies. It tastes like krispies milk. It is very nice. I wish I had that all by itself. Mr. Ted likes krispies milk too. But I don't give him any. It makes his fur all soggy. Then he gets smelly and my mum will put him in the bin. I don't want him to get throwed away.
I don't eat any of the krispies. My mum tells me off when I do it at her house. But I don't let her see. I like to do it. I don't like to eat the krispies and milk together. They don't taste very nice. I like when the krispies are soggy and squishy. When all the milk is gone, I get the krispies on my spoon. I get a big giant spoonful then I put it in my mouth. I don't make it go down though. I put more in and then it is full. I get in trouble if I cough. Then the krispies go everywhere and my mum has to do lots of cleaning. But I don't let the cough out. I squish the krispies and make them all go inside my tummy. I drink my orange too. It is very nice. But it makes my face all scrunch up. It is cold inside. I feel sad when it is all gone. I don't have any more juice or krispies left. I wish I could go and get some more. But I don't.
Four
Mr. Ted says I have to put my tray in the pile with all the dirty ones. Then we can go out of the cafe. It is a nice sunny day. Maybe the lazy bones sun got up and got his hat on. We look out of the window. There are lots of trees and flowers. Andrew says we can play out there. Then there can be a jungle. We can hunt for lions and crocodiles and lots of things like that. I wish Sheba were here too. She is good at the hunting games. We like to live in the woods. Then she helps us do all the hunting things.
I put Mr. Ted in my bag again. I tell him I am sorry. It is just a little bit of time. Then he can come out and we can all play outside. We go to the corridor with the slope on it. I read the signs. It says about the heart place. There is an old lady on a bed in the hallway. She is sleeping. She has a funny mask on her face. There is a nurse there too. She smiles at me.
We walk all the way along the corridor. I don't know where it goes. Andrew says it is an adventure. There is a door at the end. We push it open and walk outside. There are lots of stones on the ground. They are crunchy when I walk on them. Me and Andrew run outside to play. There are lots of slopes and things. It will be very good when I get the skates tomorrow. We can go fast. Andrew has skates. But he doesn’t be faster than me on them. I am the fastest.
The hospital is very big. It has lots of trees around it. There is a park too. But it is over the road. I don't be allowed to cross it. It is very busy. All the big cars go down it and maybe I get run over. There is a place with lots of trees too. But it has a fence around it. It says Zoo on the outside. Me and Andrew sneak to the fence. No one sees us because we hide behind the trees when we sneak there. Maybe we can see some animals. But we don't. Maybe they are hiding.
We pick up big sticks and we use them to walk. We need them, then we don't fall over. I bash mine on the ground when I walk. It makes lots of noise. We walk all around the hospital. I didn't know the place where my Nan goes was there. She doesn’t be there now. She went there when she had to go in the ambulance. She tried to make herself go to heaven because she missed my Gaga. They gave her medicine then she didn't miss him and it didn't make her cry. I miss him too. It doesn’t make me cry. Me and my Nan go and put flowers on the place in the cemetery. I ask my Nan if he is all muddy in there. She said maybe he is. My mum doesn’t know we go. I am not allowed. My Nan makes me sneak there. I like to go. Me and Mr. Ted read all the things. There are lots of dead people there.
It is boring outside. Me and Andrew walk around lots. Maybe it takes all day long. We go back to my brother. He is sleeping. He lies in his bed. He has a poorly tummy. Maybe his tummy didn't like the food. The sick came out. It is in a bowl next to my mum. I don't make lots of noise. I don't want to be in trouble if I wake him up.
I look around the room. There is a little baby at the other side. He has a bed by the door. His mum and dad doesn’t be there. He cries lots and no one comes. Maybe he is sad because his mum and dad don't be there. It makes me sad in my tummy. No one comes when I cry too. Me and Andrew go to his bed to look at him. He has a baby bed with bars on it. But he isn’t a baby. He is just little. He has a nappy on. He has a pipe in his nose and a needle in his hand. He has lots of wires. The machine next to him makes
lots of bleep noises. Maybe he cries because he doesn’t like it. I don't like it when I get all tied down and I don't get to move. It makes me cry too. I cry when lots of things hurt very bad. I hug Mr. Ted and make it all go away.
“Hello,” I say to the baby. But he doesn’t say hello back. Maybe he can’t hear me because his crying is loud. I ask him what his name is. But he doesn’t say it. I tell him my name. I show him Mr. Ted. Mr. Ted waves at him. The nurse comes and she writes in his book. It hangs on the bottom of his bed. Maybe she writes about his food too. I ask her if he is poorly like my brother.
She says that he has poorly eyes. They don't work and he can’t see anything. I ask Mr. Ted. Maybe that is why he is sad. Maybe that is why he cries. She says the special pipe makes him breathe properly. Maybe it is like when my face gets squished and I don't breathe properly. I don't like it when that happens. My dad makes my face all squished when he does the hurt thing.
I ask where his mummy is. “He doesn’t have a mummy,” she says to me. Me and Mr. Ted feel very sad about that. It is not nice when there is no mummy. I cry very bad when my mum goes away. I miss her lots and lots it makes it all hurt inside. Maybe he misses his mum too.
The nurse says he is called Tommy, then she goes away. But he still cries. He has lots of toys in the cot too. But he doesn’t play with them. Maybe he doesn’t want to. I put my hand in the cot and I pick them up. They are like keys. They don't be real. I use them on pretend. I shake them. I say his name and I make them shake so he hears them. But he doesn’t do anything about it.
Goodbye Teddy Page 2
