I go in my room and sit down. I don't talk to Mr. Ted. I don't want to. He knows I am bad and stupid. I don't get any nice things. My mum and dad don't like me. I am too bad inside. Maybe they wish I could go away too. I hear my mum and dad downstairs. They laugh about things. There is a secret part on the stairs. I open my door quiet and sneak out. I lie on the floor and slide like a worm. Then I get to the top and I can see in the lounge. It is like a spy hole. Me and Mr. Ted hide there sometimes and we watch lots of things. My mum doesn’t ever catch me.
My mum is lying on the floor by the fire. My dad is there too. He lies on top of her. I know what he is going to do. They do it lots of times. I try to make myself get away. I don’t want to see it. My mum hears me. She shouts my name. I tell her I wanted a drink. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to make a noise. My dad tells me to go away. He swears at me all bad. He tells me I don’t get a drink. I can go in my bedroom and stay there. He is very mad at me. I didn’t do anything wrong. I run back into my room and close the door. Then my dad doesn’t shout any more. But I can hear them. He does the thing to her. I hear them make all the noises. I try not to listen but I can’t help it. They make lots of noise about it. She sounds like she cries about it. But then she laughs. I wish they would stop it.
Thirteen
I wake up early. Everyone else is still sleeping. I don’t sleep lots because I get scared. Maybe the bad man comes when everyone is sleeping. Then they don’t hear him and he doesn’t stop. Mr. Ted sleeps in the edge of the bed. He lies there and then the bad man can’t get me. But maybe he can sneak in and then I don’t know about it.
I keep a dog at my door. It doesn’t be real. My Nan got it for me. I put it there and the door doesn’t get opened easily. Then the bad man can’t sneak in with the door quiet. He doesn’t get in anywhere.
I get out of bed quiet. I don’t make my bed tidy because my mum shouts when I do that. I don’t be allowed to because I don’t do it properly. But I make my pyjamas all folded up.
I don’t make any sounds when I get out of my bedroom. My mum and dad’s room is dark. It is dark downstairs too. I go down very slow and then I don’t make the steps creak and wake them up. I don’t like when I go downstairs. My mum says that Sheba is going to go to heaven soon. She has poorly legs. She doesn’t be able to run very fast. She says it is because my dad made her fat. He feeds her lots of bad food and then she gets big and lazy, and fat people die. I don’t want her to. My mum says one morning we will come down and then she will have died.
I sneak down the stairs. Sheba is asleep on the sofa. But she doesn’t move. I don’t see if she is breathing. It makes my tummy turn over. I whisper her name. "Sheba," I say, but it doesn’t make her move. Maybe she is gone. I sneak down more and try not to wake my mum and dad. But I wish Sheba would move and then I know she didn’t die. I sneak all the way to her. It is very dark. I try not to look all around. The walls and doors are all glass. Maybe the bad man hides too. But Sheba doesn’t know about it.
I put my hand on her head and then she lifts her head up and licks it. I feel all phew inside. I sit down and I give her a big hug. I don’t ever want Sheba to die. She hugs me too and then she gets off the sofa. Maybe she thinks it is breakfast time. But I have to go to the toilet. I don’t be allowed later. I go when my mum and dad are sleeping. But I don’t like it. It is at the other side of the house and if the bad man comes then no one can hear me. There are lots of rooms he can hide in.
I sit with Sheba and I stare at the door. It makes my tummy hurt inside. I don’t want to go there. But I have to or I don’t be allowed to go later. It makes my skin feel all spiky inside. I walk very slowly. I feel my tummy jumping up and down. I look all through the glass. I don’t see anyone. Maybe no one is there. I open the door. But I don’t be allowed to leave it open. I go through it and then close it very fast and run to the bathroom. I run in and lock the door and no one can come then. There is no one in the bathroom.
I use the toilet and brush my teeth and wash my face. I make it all clean again because then my mum doesn’t have to do it. Maybe the bad man tried to get me and he missed. I can’t see in the hall because the blind is down. So maybe he can hide there and he can get me when I don’t know about it. I open the door slow and then I look around it. But I don’t see him. I run all the way to the lounge again.
I make the click sound in my head. Like the door did. I make my brain hear it. I count them. But I don’t say four. Just one, two three and then I make the door click sound. I do it lots of times. It makes my mouth feel funny inside. But I don’t be able to make it go away.
The kitchen is all nice and bright. There aren’t curtains there and the sun comes in the window. It looks nice. I know there doesn’t be anyone hiding there. I can see it all the way. No one can get me. I keep all the doors closed so my mum and dad don’t get mad about it. They like to keep all the doors closed. My mum says it makes a draft and then we are just wasting money.
I make some cereal. My mum didn’t say no. I make it before she gets out of bed and then she can’t say no. I feel hungry inside because I didn’t get any dinner. I don’t ever get dinner when I am bad. I don’t remember when I had any. I haven’t been bad. But I don’t let my dad do the hurt thing for two whole weeks. I don’t talk to him or my mum. They make me feel sad and I get in trouble. I eat it very fast. The milk is cold and the cereal is all crunchy. I don’t like it like that. I like to make it all squished in my mouth and then suck the milk out. But my mum says playing with my food is too bad. So I don’t ever do it when they are there.
I eat my cereal so fast maybe I will burst. Maybe it all gets stuck. But my mum and dad wake up. I see my dad, he comes down the stairs. Then he goes to Sheba and he strokes her head. She wags her tail all big about it and stamps her feet. She likes my dad. He is nice to her. He comes through the dining room to the kitchen and he opens the back door. She gets to go out and play. Maybe she needs the toilet. He puts his dirty cup on the side and then he fills Sheba’s bowl and puts it down. He doesn’t say hello to me. Maybe I am invisible.
He doesn’t look at the bowl. I hide it under the one that was there. I don’t know if I am allowed breakfast. But I eat it before they get out of bed and then they don’t be mad. My dad gets a tray and a bowl. He fills it with cereal. My brother has special cereal. I don’t be allowed to ever touch it. It is for my brother not me. Sometimes I sneak it and then no one knows about it. But they don’t catch me. His cereal is nice. It is funny shapes with sugar on the top. He gets it because he is fat and stupid. Maybe it can make him sick from his tummy.
My dad makes him a nice drink too and he puts the kettle on to make coffee. I don’t move. Maybe I don’t breathe too. Then my dad doesn’t see me there and I don’t get shouted at like always. I get out of the way. My dad takes my brother’s breakfast and he puts it on the table in the dining room. He shouts for my brother and my mum and tells him that his food is ready.
My mum comes too. My brother sits at the table and she gives him a big hug. She writes in his book about his cereal and his juice. She just has on a big shirt and I don’t like it when she bends and gives my brother a hug. I get to see all her underneath and she doesn’t wear underwear.
She doesn’t talk to me too and I know I have been very bad again. I wish I could make it all go away. I get my hand and I put it in my top. I make my nails all go inside. I don’t stop when it hurts all bad. My mum gets the cow cup out. I don’t see that for a long time. It makes me feel scared inside. It makes my throat get stuck. She gets the things out of the cupboard. She makes the medicine again. It has been a long time since I had to have the medicine. I don’t want it. It makes the sick get out. I don’t like to be sick.
I pinch on my skin very hard to make the crying go away and then it doesn’t come out of my eyes. I don’t be able to look away. I watch the medicine. I don’t want it. I don’t like it. She makes a glass of milk. She puts the medicine in that. It makes the milk all pink and spotty. It looks like a mil
kshake. But it doesn’t be one. I don’t be allowed those.
My mum gives it to me. She doesn’t say any words. I don’t want to drink it. I don’t want to make the sick get out. It makes the tears come out of my eyes. I bite my lip very hard and my nose starts to get runny. I try to make it all stop but it doesn’t want to. She gets her cigarette and lights it. Then she stands at the back door. But she does the stare thing like my dad.
I try to drink it all down. But it doesn’t taste very nice. It makes my throat do the thing that tries to get the stuff out. I make it all go down. It hurts to do that. I take lots of big gulps. But my tummy gets all upside down inside and the sick tries to come out. It gets in my mouth. But I make it go back down. I make it swallow away. I don’t be able to breathe. My eyes water. It is all gone. But it is going to come back out. I run past my mum and go outside. Sheba is there. I make the sick get in the drain so it doesn’t make a mess. Lots and lots of sick comes out. It is all pink and has the cereal in it. It tries to come out of my nose too. I bash my knees on the floor because I don’t stand up. I hug my tummy until all the sick comes out.
My mum stands at the door. She watches. She smokes her cigarette and blows the smoke out. I look at my feet. I sit at the wall and hug my knees up. I put my head down and then I don’t have to see my mum and dad. No more sick wants to come out. But my throat hurts bad. It doesn’t taste very nice. It is all burning inside. My mum finishes her cigarette. She throws it on the ground near me. Then she goes inside and closes the door. I don’t know why God doesn’t let me go away.
Fourteen
My tummy hurts all inside. I try to stand up. My head wants to fall off and roll away. It bangs all inside when I stand. But I don’t let it. I go back into the house. My mum is washing the dishes and my brother has finished his breakfast. He sits at the table and drinks his juice. My dad is in the lounge. He has the box open for the slide.
I go into the lounge. I don’t sit. Maybe I am not allowed. I don’t be allowed to sit on the chairs when we lived in my Nan’s house. Only my Nan lets me sit on the chairs. But not my mum and dad. I am too bad. My dad tells me he is making the slide. They are going to keep it inside because it is too cold to play with outside. “You can’t go on it,” he says. “You are too heavy and fat and it will break. It isn’t made for you.” I nod my head about it. I know I am too fat like my dad says. But I don’t eat any food and the fat goes away. Maybe that is why my mum gave me the medicine to get the sick out. Because I eat the breakfast and I didn't ask and then it makes me fat. But it is all gone. My tummy is empty. But I don’t feel hungry because it hurts too bad inside. Maybe it is like fire.
My dad says he is going to the library later. He asks if I want to go. I don’t. I don’t want to go anywhere. I shake my head and tell him no thank you. “I have some new books,” he says to me. “They are about real ghost stories. Do you want to read them?” I like real ghost stories. I read lots of them. They don’t make me scared. I like to tell them to Peter. They make him scared because he doesn’t like ghosts. I make them scary too when I make the sounds. Peter tells me to shut up. My other friend, Kirsty, thinks it is funny. Sometimes we write the ghost stories together.
I ask my dad if I can go and play outside. He says I have to help with the slide first. But I don’t want to make the stupid slide. I don’t get to play on it. My brother should make it not me. Maybe it can fall down and then he can hurt himself on it. I hope it doesn’t work very well. My dad tells me what to hold and then he puts the screws in. I have to hold it in the right places for him. It doesn’t take very long to make. But my tummy still hurts inside. It jumps up and down and makes gurgle noises. It makes me feel dizzy in my head. I wish I could close my eyes and go away. But I don’t be allowed to go upstairs. My mum makes all the beds nice and tidy. We aren’t allowed to touch them when she does that. If they get into a mess then she gets mad about it and she has to make them again. I don’t know why.
The slide gets finished. It is big and orange. It has green stripes down the side and lots of steps. My brother is very excited about it. My mum takes his cup and she puts it in the kitchen. She has on big yellow gloves. They are soapy because she is cleaning. But she stands at the door and she watches my brother. He smiles very big about his slide. He races up it and then slides down it. My mum smiles big too. She thinks it is very good. She asks him if he likes it and he does. He is very happy. He tries to give her a big hug. But her hands are soapy so she doesn’t hug him back.
I don’t watch him slide on it. He says my name. He is very excited. He tells me to watch and then he goes down it. But I don’t look at it. I don’t want to see. I tell my dad I am going out now. I don’t wait for him to say no. I don’t care if he doesn’t want me to. I don’t want to be in the house anymore.
I pick up my tennis ball again and I go and play at the front. I hope that I see Faye again. There isn’t anyone outside yet.
I just bounce it. I check if anyone comes out. I hope they do. I make the game in my head about it. Lots of different ways to catch the ball. Andrew is there too. I talk to him in my brain. We talk about lots of things. Maybe I am not real. I don’t feel like I am really there. Maybe it is all a dream. Andrew doesn’t know. It makes me feel like I float in my head.
I don’t hear Faye coming over. "Hi," she says from the gate and I smile big because she is there. She asks me if I want to come and play again. I tell her I do. I bring my ball. She says we have to call for everyone else. There are lots of children.
We go to the house at the end of the road. The shop is there. The boy is called Simon. His mum and dad own the newspaper shop. He must be very lucky because he gets sweets and chocolate all the time. He brings his bat. We are going to play a game like cricket. There are lots of children when we are ready.
There is a boy called Jason. He is younger than me. But he has a mad face. Like my dad’s angry eyes. He swears lots when he talks too. He asks me who I am and I tell him. He says I can play. Maybe he is the boss of everyone. He says whose turn it is to be on the bat and whose turn it is to throw the ball.
I don’t get to be the on the bat or the ball. I have to stand all the way back. Jason says I am tall so I can catch the ball and get them out. We play the game and my tummy hurts. But I try and play and catch. Sometimes it makes me feel like the sick will come out. But I don’t let it. There isn’t anything left inside anyway. I try to play very well. I want to catch the ball because then I get to be on the bat. I know I can hit the ball very far and very hard. I do it all the time at school. It takes them a long time to get me out. I want to have a go.
It is Faye’s turn on the bat. Simon throws the ball. He throws it up and it is easy to hit. Faye hits it her hardest and it comes to me. Jason tries to run and catch it. But I am bigger than him. I jump up very high and I catch it. It doesn’t go on the floor. Jason gets mad at me. He swears at me and calls me a bad name like my dad does. He was supposed to catch it not me. I am stupid. He gets his fist and he punches me very hard in my tummy. It makes me fall on the floor because my tummy is already sore. It makes me cough and I don’t be able to breathe. He laughs about it. He laughs when I try to stand up. I don’t let him see me cry. I don’t want him to know. I swear at him when I can breathe. Then I get up and I run away. I don’t want to play with them anymore. They are mean. No one else laughs. But he does and then they all walk away.
I run down the side of my mum and dad’s house. It has a driveway and then it goes all the way to the back of the house. My mum and dad have a patio too. It has steps and flowers. I sit on the steps and hug myself all tight. I don’t stop the crying. It feels all bad inside. No one ever likes me. They just hit me and tell me to go away. I don’t know why I am so bad. I don’t mean to be. They just always do bad things to me. I wish I could go away. I wish I don’t be here anymore and then people don’t hit me and make me cry. I feel it all inside. It makes me cry very hard. I don’t be able to get it all out. I can’t cry hard enough and it doesn’t go
away.
Fifteen
Maybe people will always do the bad things to me. I think about Jason. He didn’t need to punch me. I just caught the ball like I was supposed to.
I don’t know why he is mad about it. It makes me feel mad inside. I wipe the tears away. He doesn’t get to hit me. I just did like I was supposed to. He is a bad loser. I don’t like him. I don’t want them all to think I am a baby.
I stand up and make myself all neat again. I clean my face all on my top. I don’t want Jason to know that I cried. I don’t cry now. He doesn’t get to be mean to me like that. No one ever does. He is just like my dad. They hit me when I don’t do anything wrong. They shouldn’t do that. I don’t know why they do. But Jason doesn’t ever get to hit me again.
I run out of the back garden and up the driveway. No one is playing outside. Now they all went away. Jason spoilt our game. It was a good game. But he wanted to win and he didn’t like that I caught the ball. He is a baby. Not me. I don’t be. I played it better and I won and he didn’t like it. I don’t know where they are gone. But I am going to find them. I listen when I walk. I walk very fast. Maybe then they don’t know I am coming.
Jason and everyone are in a garden. I don’t know whose house it is. It is around the corner from my mum and dad’s house. I see Jason and I run very fast. I don’t stop not at all. I run into the garden and I shout his name and then I punch him very hard in his back. "You don’t ever hit me again," I tell him. I shout it bad and I swear at him. I try to punch him again but he lies on the floor and he starts to cry about it. I didn’t mean to make him cry. He was meant to be mad about it not sad.
He says he is sorry. He asks me not to hit him. I want to. But he makes my madness go away. I don’t like it when people cry. I tell him okay. But he doesn’t get to hit me ever again. He says he is sorry. He just got mad about it.
Goodbye Teddy Page 7
