When we run out of tickets, it is the evening, and people are coming to go on all the big rides in the dark. I don’t want to go home yet. It isn’t time. Michelle says we can go back to her house if we want to. Her mum doesn’t mind. She lives just along the long road. We all say yes. “We can get some cider in,” Lewis says, and we all say yes. We put together all the spare money we have to get some.
Me and Michelle walk behind everyone to her house. Lewis and Rebecca walk at the front. It doesn’t matter, because they know where Michelle lives. They go there all the time. We laugh a lot when we are walking, and Michelle thinks it is funny when me, Lewis and Chris all mess around. We see a motorbike shop. I look at it. Michelle asks me if I like bikes and I tell her about my dad’s bikes. She likes them too.
She asks if she could see my dad’s bike one day. I tell her yes, but I don’t think so really. He won’t let her. He only takes my brother with him because he is perfect and I am not. I haven’t ever been on my dad’s bike before. I am not allowed to touch it. When I can drive, I am going to get my own bike.
Michelle’s house is big. It’s on the outside of the town. Her mum has a caravan at the front on the driveway. “This is mine,” she says to me. “My mum lets me hang out in here.” It is so nice inside. I thought it was going to be like the garage, all dusty and damp. But she has a television in there and a sofa thing. There is even a bed in it. “It keeps me from getting on my mum’s nerves,” she says to me.
We all go into the caravan. Michelle’s brothers and sisters come outside and say hello. They are nice. Her oldest sister is disabled. She talks funny. She asks if she can give me a hug. I let her but I don’t like them. She smiles at me. “I like you,” she says to me.
“She has epilepsy,” Michelle tells me. “She had a fit and burnt her arm.” I look at her arm and see it is all wrapped up. She had a fit near the chip pan and knocked it off. It must have hurt very badly.
Rebecca tells Michelle to put the record on. They have a special one they all like. I laugh because then, Michelle and Rebecca and Wendy all start singing. Lewis runs into Michelle’s house and gets some cups.
I ask if I can use the bathroom while he is inside. I don’t like to go into people’s houses. But Michelle tells me to just go in. “They don’t mind,” she says to me. “It’s just at the top of the stairs. “ After, me and Lewis stand outside and smoke a cigarette and drink some cider. We drink a lot of it and it makes me feel drunk a little bit. But it doesn’t matter. As long as I am home by nine, then my mum and dad don’t care what I do.
Michelle’s mum and dad come out to see us. Her dad smokes too. He offers me a cigarette and I take it. He asks me about school and things like that. He asks where I live and what my mum and dad do. He is nice; I like him. He puts his arm around Michelle’s shoulder and hugs her tight. “So, are you going to ask my daughter to be your girlfriend?” he says to me. I laugh and don’t look at him. Michelle’s face goes all red too. He laughs, but it makes him cough. He has the smoker’s cough.
He asks me if I want a beer. I haven’t ever had beer before, but I don’t tell him that. I say yes. He gives it to me and I drink from it. It isn’t very nice. But I drink it anyway. They are gypsies he tells me. He tells me all about them. They have six children. He wants them all to have six children too. He asks me what I am going to do when I leave school, and I tell him I wanted to be a doctor. I don’t tell him about the school, though. I can't say the words. But he thinks it is great. He shouts Michelle’s mum. “We could have a doctor in the family,” he says. “If our Michelle plays her cards right.”
I stay at Michelle’s until it is nearly nine. Then, I have to go home so I don’t get into trouble. Lewis asks if I am going to come back tomorrow. I say yes. Michelle asks if she can walk me down the road to where I have to catch the bus. I tell her she can. I like her very much. She is pretty. When we walk and we are away from the house, I reach and hold her hand and she lets me. She smiles at me. “I will see you tomorrow?” I ask her.
She says yes and I smile about it. I really want to kiss her. I think about doing it. I have kissed Rachel lots of times. I didn’t kiss anyone else, though. Michelle squeezes my hand, and then I put my arm around her. We stand at the bus stop and wait for the bus for me. She puts her arms around my waist. I kiss her and she doesn’t say no. I kiss her for a long time. It makes me late, but it doesn’t matter that I miss the first bus. I catch the second one, though. I say bye to her and then I get on it.
I smile all the way home. I watch her. She stands and watches the bus. It feels funny inside. Like I have butterflies. Maybe she likes me. Maybe she doesn’t think I am bad. I like her. I like to kiss her too. I wave at her. I can't wait until tomorrow.
Chapter Sixty Five
I still feel drunk when I get home. Not as drunk as I was with my dad’s wine. But it is there. It makes my head feel fuzzy and I know I can't walk very straight. I am nearly half an hour late. I go around the back to let myself in. Maybe they didn’t lock the kitchen door yet. I don’t want to sleep in the garage tonight. I feel tired, but I can't stop smiling. I keep thinking about Michelle and that I kissed her. It makes me feel happy inside.
The back door isn’t locked when I get to it. My dad is in the dining room. He is sat with his glass of wine and he is reading a book. I say hello to him, but I say it quiet and then he won’t get up and start yelling at me for being late and if I don’t say hi, then he’ll yell because I am rude and ignorant. So I say it quietly and then hope he doesn’t shout. I walk past him and I try to do it straight, so he doesn’t know I am drunk. “Would you mind sitting down?” he says to me before I get out of the dining room. Maybe he can see I am drunk. It makes me scared inside, but I do as I am told.
“Where have you been today?” he asks me. I tell him that I was out with Lewis and that we went to his house. “You know people like Lewis like to drink and take drugs?” He slides the newspaper over from the other side. “Do you see how many children go out and get drunk and end up in trouble with something bad happening to them?” He shows me the paper and the article, it’s about teenage drinkers. He tells me he doesn’t want me doing those kind of things. I promise I won’t. I just hang around with my friends. I don’t know why he is showing me. He doesn’t ask about me being drunk. He hasn’t got mad about it. Maybe he doesn’t know. Maybe he knows what I am thinking. Maybe he can tell.
I try to say all the words properly so he can't hear it when I talk. He doesn’t say anything about it so maybe he doesn’t know. Maybe he is guessing. “Maybe you should get ready for bed,” he says to me. “I’ll finish my drink, and then I’ll be up in a moment. I know what he means. I sit for a minute and stare at him. I don’t know if I want him to do it. I don’t know if I want to tonight. He reads his book and doesn’t look at me anymore. I get up and go to the bathroom.
My mum is in the bath. I know and tell her I have to brush my teeth. I hate when she is in the bath. She lies back and talks to me and then I see everything and I don’t like to see her naked like that. Sometimes, my dad asks me about seeing my mum naked. Maybe I like to, but I don’t. I don’t say anything when my dad says those things. It makes me want to scratch all my skin off. I feel it all inside.
I try not to look at my mum in the bath. I try to just brush my teeth. I have to use the toilet and I have to do it while she is there. I try to stand so she can't see me, but she sits up. I hate when she does that too. I wish they all stopped it. “What have you been doing today?” she asks me. I tell her the same as I told my dad. Then I tell her I have to go to bed now. “Is there a girl?”
It makes me scared inside. I don’t know how she knows or how my dad knows. Maybe they can tell. Maybe they watch me. Maybe they can see inside my head and know about everything like the bad man did. I nod and tell her there is a girl called Michelle. “She is nice,” I say.
“Have you had sex with her yet?” she asks me, and I shake my head and look at my feet because I don’t want to look at
my mum. “I haven’t had sex with the doctor yet,” she says. “But then that’s all he wants. It’s all you men ever want. Have you seen him recently?” I don’t lie to her today. I tell her I haven’t. She washes herself. I stand with my hands down and I don’t watch her. I don’t want to see it. But I know I can't go yet. She didn’t say so and she is talking to me. It is rude to leave when parents are talking. “Can I meet her?” she asks me.
I shrug my shoulders.
“I think I should,” she says. “I want to know who you’re with.”
“Okay,” I say to her, then I ask her if I can go to bed now. She says yes. I leave the bathroom and go to my room and get changed.
My dad comes up too. He comes into my room when I am getting into bed. He gets in too and I don’t stop him. I don’t say no when he takes my clothes off. I don’t say no when he rolls me over to have sex with me. I don’t say anything when he is finished and then he gets his pants back on and goes to his own room.
I try to swallow a lot of times because it tastes bad in my mouth. I keep doing it, but the taste from my dad doesn’t go away. I don’t think about Michelle. I don’t want to. I kissed her and now my dad made my mouth taste bad. The crying makes me feel like I choke at the back of my nose. Michelle would know I was disgusting if she knew about all this. I let my dad have sex with me. I let him put it in my mouth. I let him do anything. She would tell me to get lost. She wouldn’t understand. I don’t even write about it tonight. I roll on my side and I don’t even let the crying come out. I just fall to sleep.
In the morning, I go to Michelle’s again. I go early because I don’t want to go in my mum and dad’s room and do all the games with them. I hate when they do that. Then my mum makes my dad stand there naked, and I have to pull him around the room by his thing. Then they have sex and they make me join in. I don’t want to because I don’t want Michelle to know about it.
Lewis and Rebecca will be at Michelle’s later. Chris isn’t going to come. He doesn’t like Michelle that much, but I don’t care about him. He can do what he wants. I am very excited, though, when I catch the tram to her house. I hope she didn’t change her mind. Maybe she did. Maybe she knows all the things like my mum and dad do.
It makes me scared when I get off the tram and walk along the long road to her house. What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she doesn’t like me? What if she thinks I am bad inside?
I light a cigarette and stop at the corner near her house. I lean against the railings outside the school. I am too afraid to go yet in case she tells me to go away. My mum and dad don’t want me; why would she? I try to smoke my cigarette slow so that the time goes away. Someone shouts my name and when I look, it is Lewis and Rebecca. I am happy to see them because then I don’t have to walk to Michelle’s by myself.
“We decided to come early,” Lewis says to me. “Michelle and Rebecca were talking. It’s a nice day. We’re going to take Michelle’s brother’s moped to the sand dunes and ride it. You like bikes, right?”
I laugh at Lewis. “That isn’t a bike; it’s a hairdryer on wheels.”
He tells me to shut up and he laughs too and takes a cigarette from me. We walk to Michelle’s. She is outside on the wall. She smiles when she sees me. I wish I could run to her, but I don’t. I walk to her and I say hi. She says hi back. I wish I could kiss her again, but I don’t. I don’t do anything. I don’t want Lewis and Rebecca to see. Maybe they will laugh at me. Or maybe they will laugh at Michelle because she kisses me.
“We’re going to take this out for a ride today,” she says to me and points to her brother’s moped. “Do you want to come?” I nod. I can't wait.
Sixty Six
I spend every day at Michelle’s house. I go there in the mornings and then I come home again at nine in the evening. My mum and dad don’t notice when I am drunk or I have been smoking pot with Lewis. Sometimes I don’t go right in the house. I just go to the garage and read and go to sleep. I know the back door is locked for the night when the light isn’t on in the kitchen. Then my mum has finished and I am too late. it doesn’t matter though. The garage is like a second bedroom. I even have covers and pillows in there from when it was winter just to keep me warm.
Sometimes it gets so cold in there I sleep in my coat with some gloves on because my fingers hurt so bad. I stole my dad’s thick socks and put them over my own socks. My mum and dad didn’t notice. Sometimes I have bad dreams about the garage. It goes all black and I am stuck in there and then the bad man comes. He hasn’t ever really been to the garage, but my dreams like to think about it. Maybe he watches. Sometimes I wake up and I think he is sat in the corner watching me. I get afraid because it feels like he is right there. I don’t move all night when it is like that. Then he doesn’t know I am awake and doesn’t get me.
If the light is on in the kitchen, then I check the door. It’s usually unlocked, but then my dad is mad at me because I am five minutes late or something, but I don’t care about that, either. He's an idiot. So what if I am late? It isn’t like he cares where I am. All he cares about is if I get back and then he can have sex. If I'm late and my mum locks me out, then he doesn’t. Sometimes, though, he comes to get me into the house.
I fell asleep one time on the sofa, because I had been drinking with Michelle and Lewis and Rebecca. I didn’t mean to. I had been home early for a change and sat on the sofa and just fallen asleep. I woke up with my dad’s thing in my mouth. He’d done it while I was sleeping, and I woke up just at that moment when I was choking. Of course, I was sick with it too, because I wasn’t ready. My dad hit me because I was sick on the floor. I can't do anything right.
Sometimes, if I am drunk, maybe he knows I am. He does everything harder then. It’s hard when he does that to hide it. I go to Michelle’s the next day, but it hurts to walk and I feel so bad inside. I try and wash it all away, but it doesn’t want to go. When I get drunk again or smoke a joint with Lewis, it doesn’t matter, though.
I get a ride home from Rebecca’s brother, Alan. He's older than us. He works in a lock up near Michelle’s house. He has the most cool cars. I want them like that when I am grown up too. He works as a DJ in the pubs and things. We have to meet him there at nine. When we are in his car, he puts the music on so loud that I can feel it inside, and it makes my ribs bang. I like how it feels. He knows all about music.
I get him to drop me off at the corner shop near my mum and dad’s house, and then I walk from there. I don’t want him to come to the house in case he sees my mum or dad, and they tell him how bad I am. I like Alan. I don’t want him to know that I can't get things right ever. He won’t give me a ride home if he knows. He is married and he lives near my mum and dad’s house. His wife is nice too.
Today I am going to Michelle’s, but Lewis and Rebecca are going to be late. Rebecca has been staying with Alan because her mum went on holiday, and she is back today, so Rebecca wants to wait for her. I go to Michelle’s by myself early. It still makes me afraid when I have to go alone; maybe she will decide she doesn’t like me and just has me there because of Lewis and Rebecca. But I like her and I like being there.
We sit in the caravan on the bed and just talk. She is easy to talk to. She doesn’t like to talk about the things I do. Sometimes, I think she isn’t really that smart, but it’s okay. She doesn’t read very well. But sometimes, I lie down with her, and I read to her. She likes when I do that. She lies on my shoulder and listens and falls to sleep. We have the music on. Michelle has the curtains shut because it is too bright. Michele’s mum says we have to have them opened so she can see in the caravan and knows we aren’t getting up to no good. But she didn’t say anything about it today.
We lie in the bed and she kisses me. I kiss her too, and then she doesn’t take my hand away when I put it inside her top, and she doesn’t stop me when I lift it up to take it off. She hasn’t had sex before. She is a year older than me. She is fifteen, but she is still a virgin. She doesn’t tell Rebecca, though, because Rebec
ca has sex with Lewis. Michelle told me to keep it a secret. She doesn’t want Rebecca to know because she will laugh. Lewis and Rebecca have sex all the time.
She doesn’t say no when I unfasten her pants. I know how to have sex. I did it all the time when I was seven and at the play place. Michelle doesn’t know, though. She thinks I didn’t ever have sex before too. I don’t want to hurt her, though, like at the play place. The girls and boys cried, but I had to do it or they did bad things to me. It makes me scared inside that maybe I will make Michelle cry too. When she says it hurts a little bit, I ask her if she wants me to stop, but she says no.
We do it every day after that. She doesn’t think I am bad. But I don’t tell her that when I go home, I let my dad do it to me too. I don’t know why it keeps making me cry. Sometimes, I cry when I am with Michelle, but I don’t let her see. Maybe I am just dirty. Maybe it is me that is bad because I have sex with Michelle, and I like to do it a lot of times.
Sometimes, when Lewis and Rebecca are there, they lie on the sofa and we lie on the bed. We watch films and drink cider and smoke joints. Me and Michelle hide under the covers so Lewis and Rebecca don’t know what we are doing, and we have sex. We know Lewis and Rebecca do it too, on the sofa, but we don’t say anything to them. Me and Lewis laugh about it when Michelle and Rebecca aren’t there. They would get mad if they were.
Goodbye Teddy Page 29
