“Me either,” Jeff admitted. “If the kids don’t point it out, I don’t see it.”
She unbuckled her seat belt and turned to face him determined to be more than a passive participant in the evening. “So, tell me what’s been happening with you lately.”
“Not much. I was offered a job last week,” he said, making it sound casual. “One of the firms I’ve been doing consulting work for had something open up that they thought would be a perfect fit. They’re being pretty persistent. I assume it’s because they’ve gotten it in their heads I’m holding out for them to sweeten the deal more than they already have.”
The news stunned her. It wasn’t even within shouting distance of anything she’d expected. “If it’s something you want, I’m sure we could work things out.” She didn’t mean it. She counted on him being there for Cassidy and John. They counted on him.
“The job is in Michigan, Rachel.”
“Oh.” Her mind raced with the ramifications of his taking a job half a continent away. She had no right to ask him to refuse. Their agreement was that he would stay home with the kids until they were in school, use his consulting work to maintain his contacts, and then rejoin the workforce. He was already a year behind schedule. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m not going to take it.”
Her heart started beating again. “Are you sure it’s what you really want to do?”
“You know what I want, Rachel. There isn’t a job anywhere at any money that would change that.”
For an instant there was an opening to the world she used to know, a place where she had loved Jeff with irreproachable trust. She was filled with an ache to stay there. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I only told you because I have a feeling they might contact you. I wanted you to be prepared.”
“You know that half of the money I’m getting from Jessie is yours.”
“What brought that up?”
“It’s just that in case you think we need the money.”
“We’ve never needed money, Rachel, we wanted it.”
“It doesn’t matter. Now we have it. Or we will in five months.”
“I know we’ve had this discussion before, but it’s worth saying again—you don’t have to take it.”
“Face it, Jeff. As much as you want to believe I could walk away from ten million dollars, I can’t. It sounds noble as hell in theory, but there’s no way I want to spend the rest of my life looking back wondering if I made a mistake. What if something happened to one of the kids and we couldn’t get the help they needed because I made this grand gesture?”
“I guess he knew what he was doing.”
“If you’re saying Jessie knew his daughters could be bought, then you’re right. We all showed up at Jessie’s house, even Elizabeth.”
“Why ‘even’ Elizabeth?”
“She was the one who walked out of the first meeting at the lawyer’s office when she discovered she had sisters.” Rachel had told Jeff some of the details at one of Cassidy’s soccer games, using it as an excuse to fill an awkward silence. Tonight she told him because she wanted to. “Elizabeth and Christina aren’t like me and Ginger. They seem conflicted about their feelings for Jessie—kind of a love/hate thing. But then they’re the ones who actually knew him. Ginger’s already forgiven him. Why wouldn’t she? She didn’t know he existed until a couple of months ago, and he never did her any real harm.”
“And you?”
“All these years I’ve had a picture in my mind of who he is and he’s not anything like I expected. At least not on the tape.”
“He’s putting on a show. Of course he’s going to make himself sound good.”
“But that’s just it, he’s not. At least not yet.” She leaned her head against the seat. “He talks about the most remarkable things in this completely off-hand, self-effacing way. I actually think I might have liked him if I didn’t know who he was and what he did to my mother.”
“Has he talked about her?”
“Not yet. At the rate he’s going it will probably be another couple of months before he gets to me and Ginger.”
“Do you think he’ll tell the truth?”
“His version of it.” And it scared her because she was afraid she would believe him. He was going to take away the fantasy that with him her mother had been different, that she hadn’t used him the way she’d used all the other men in her life. Growing up, Rachel’s hatred for her unknown father had been a crutch, an excuse for what her mother became. He was the target for her hurt and humiliation and disappointment, an enemy who allowed her to love and protect her flawed mother with the fierce tenacity of a neglected child.
“The kids like Ginger,” Jeff said.
“I do, too.”
“And the other two—Elizabeth and Christina?”
“They haven’t met them.”
“I meant you. How do you feel about them?”
“I don’t know. Christina’s smart and funny, but she’s got a lot of baggage. Some guy—I’m assuming it was her boyfriend—broke her jaw a couple of months ago. She wanted us to think it happened some other way, but I could tell it was personal.”
“Is she still with him?”
“I don’t think so. At least there isn’t anyone living with her at Jessie’s house. I’m hoping eventually she’ll get comfortable enough with the rest of us to tell us what really happened. I think we could help her.”
“I’ll be damned,” Jeff said softly. “Did you hear what you just said?”
She went back over it in her mind. “It’s not what you think.”
“They’re family, Rachel.”
“So is my mother’s brother, but you don’t see me claiming him.”
“What about Ginger?”
“She’s different. We have a lot in common, and we look at things alike.” She gave Jeff an acknowledging smile. “Okay, so I’ll add her to the list.”
He glanced at his watch. “Time to go. I promised the sitter I’d be back in time for her to meet her boyfriend.” He put his seat belt on and started the car. “You want to pick up the kids tonight or have me bring them over in the morning?”
She’d been worried she was going to have to be the one to end the evening and to insist that things went no further. Now that it had happened, she was disappointed, not ready to end what had been the best hours between them since the separation.
They were halfway home when Rachel asked, “Have you heard from her?”
Jeff let out a heavy sigh. “Why would you do that? We managed to capture a little of our old life tonight, Rachel. Why try to destroy it?”
“Have you?”
“How many times do I have to tell you it was over a long time ago before you believe me?” His voice rose in frustration. “I’ll give you the phone bills. You can see for yourself—nothing to Texas.” He sent her an angry glare. “Is that what you want?”
“No, of course not.” She said it knowing if she were still living at home she would look because she’d find it impossible not to. “I’m sorry about ruining tonight.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry.” The words were darts thrown with piercing emphasis. “I want you to think about how ready you are to listen to your father and forgive him, and I want you to give me a little of that consideration, too.” A minute passed and then another before he slammed a hand against the steering wheel. “Do you honestly believe that when I’m not with you I’m out there looking for another soccer mom to fuck?”
“Don’t yell at me.” Jeff rarely raised his voice, and never to her or the kids.
“Well, do you?”
“She had to mean something to you. It’s the kind of man you are. You wouldn’t fuck someone you didn’t care about. And you don’t stop caring just because you got caught.”
“If I wanted her, if I believed for a minute that being with her would bring me one-tenth the happiness I had with you, a tenth the love I still have fo
r you, all I would have to do is pick up the phone and she’d be here. She doesn’t love her husband, she hasn’t for a long time. She went back to him for the sake of the kids.
“Think about it, Rachel. With the ten million you’re going to be getting, we could set up split custody—the summer with me, the rest of the year with you. I could move to Michigan and not have this back-and-forth weekend crap to contend with. But I’m not. I’m staying here. I’m doing everything I can to make it as easy on you and Cassidy and John as possible. What more can I do? ”
She looked down at her hands, at the harvest moon cresting the Oakland hills, at the lights in houses they passed, anywhere but at Jeff. “Give me time,” she said softly.
“I told you I’d give you as much time as it takes. The rest of my life if necessary.”
Jeff crested the hill and dropped down into the back side of Orinda, headed for her apartment. Ten minutes later he pulled into her parking area and turned the key on the Range Rover. He put his arm out the window and stared straight ahead, the tension brittle between them. “You want to come by for the kids, or do you want me to drop them off?”
“I’ll get them. Is nine okay?”
“Fine. Cassidy has a game at ten. John has to be at Jason’s by two-thirty. His mom is taking them to the movie and pizza. I told her I’d pick him up around seven.”
“I can do that.”
“You don’t know where they live.”
“So, tell me.”
“It’s just easier if—”
“Stop it, Jeff.” Less harshly she added, “You’re entitled to a night off. Take it.”
He stared at her. “And do what?”
“Whatever you like.”
“Right. I’ll do that.” He reached for the key. “I have to get back.”
She didn’t want the evening to end this way. “Walk me to the door?”
“You’re kidding.”
“Isn’t that what you do on a first date?”
He came around the car to open her door, waiting with his hands in his back pockets while she retrieved her keys. When the door was open he said, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Not so fast.”
“Now what? Why all the mixed signals, Rachel?”
“I’m trying, Jeff. It’s hard.” Standing on the step in front of him she was near his height, so it didn’t take anything but leaning forward to come within kissing distance. She gave him a chaste kiss, her lips together, her body inches from touching his. “Thank you. I had a wonderful time.”
“You’re welcome.”
“Are you going to call me? I’m free this Wednesday. Or next weekend would be okay, too.”
He frowned. “Are you serious?”
“As I recall, the kiss was better on our second date.” Tears welled but didn’t spill.
Now he smiled tenderly. “I don’t suppose there’s any way we could skip the second one and go straight to the third? As I recall, the kissing was even better then.”
She caught her breath in a sob. “I do love you, Jeff.”
“I know.” He brought her into his arms and held her for a long time. “We’ll find a way back,” he told her. “I promise I won’t stop trying until we do.”
Chapter Thirty-four
Elizabeth
“I’m pregnant.”
The words struck Elizabeth like a giant wave hitting a sand castle built too close to the shoreline. Her hands gripped the steering wheel, hanging on tight to something she could control. White-knuckled, she looked for a place to pull over but was trapped in the left lane in rush hour traffic.
She struggled to make sense out of something she desperately didn’t want to believe. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” Stephanie wailed. “Why else would I be here now?”
Elizabeth recoiled. “Look, I understand why you’re upset, but that doesn’t mean—”
“Upset? ” Stephanie brought her foot up and propped it on the seat, wrapping her arms around her leg. “My life is over. Upset doesn’t begin to describe what I’m feeling.”
The only warning Stephanie had given that she was coming home was an email she’d sent that morning giving her flight time and asking to be picked up at the airport. Elizabeth’s attempts to call had gone straight to voice mail.
“How far along are you?” Elizabeth asked, reeling. How was she going to tell Sam? He’d be devastated.
“What difference does that make?”
“If you wanted rational questions, you shouldn’t have waited until now to tell me.”
“I wouldn’t have had to tell you anything if you’d sent the money I asked for.”
“I did send you money.”
“Not enough.” She propped her elbow on the door and stared at the passing cars.
Elizabeth had plainly failed as an intuitive mother, had been tried and found guilty in absentia. Somehow, in Stephanie’s mind, Elizabeth should have known that her daughter was in trouble, that this request for money wasn’t like the hundred others that had preceded it.
“You could have told me.” The traffic was still too congested to merge, the cars in the right lane either ignoring her signal or oblivious to it.
“I couldn’t. I was too embarrassed,” she admitted.
Elizabeth looked at her daughter. Stephanie’s chin trembled, tears spilled onto her cheeks. She was a little girl again, her heart broken, her mother expected to make the pain go away as she always had.
Frustrated beyond reason, Elizabeth swung into the turn lane and gunned the engine, shooting across the oncoming traffic and barely missing the rear bumper of a green Honda. She hit the curb and scraped the undercarriage on the concrete, then pulled into the nearest parking place and slammed on the brakes.
They sat in strained silence until Stephanie let out a low moan. “Everything is ruined. All of my plans. . . . My friends are going to graduate and go on without me. It’s not fair. I’ve worked so hard.”
Elizabeth waited.
“I tried to get an abortion, but I couldn’t go through with it.” She dug through her purse for a tissue. “It’s murder, Mom.”
“Where did that come from?” As far as Elizabeth knew, Stephanie had always believed in a woman’s right to choose.
“Sharon’s mother showed me some pictures of what my baby would look like when they took her from me. She said abortion was the one sin God couldn’t forgive and that I would burn in hell forever if I went through with it.”
Elizabeth was speechless with anger. What right did Sharon’s mother have to impose her dogmatic beliefs on Stephanie? She’d taken advantage of Stephanie when she was at her most vulnerable. “Why did you tell Sharon’s mother and not me?”
“I didn’t tell her. Sharon did.”
Elizabeth was torn between wanting to shake Stephanie and hug her. She waited until the hug won out and reached for her. Stephanie sobbed and laid her head on her mother’s shoulder. The tears turned messy with sniffs between the sobs. Elizabeth dug into the glovebox and handed Stephanie a napkin. “What about the father?” Elizabeth hadn’t even known Stephanie was seeing anyone.
Stephanie didn’t answer right away. She took time to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. Finally, the delaying tactics becoming obvious, she said, “What about him?”
“Have you told him?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Stephanie shifted, avoiding eye contact. Finally, softly, she said, “It was a party. I was high. It happened. I don’t even like him, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like me.” Her chin started trembling again. “Not exactly a foundation to build a relationship on or take care of a kid.”
“Oh, Stephanie. . . .” Crushing disappointment filled Elizabeth’s chest. She brought her daughter into her arms again. “Have you seen a doctor?”
“No.”
“Then how can you be sure you’re really pregnant?”
“Five pregnancy tests are a pretty good indication.”
<
br /> “Then that’s the first thing we have to do.”
“Not Doctor Cummins. I can’t face her.”
“You’re pregnant, Stephanie.” Were those words really coming out of her mouth? “You’re going to be seeing a doctor for months. Don’t you want it to be someone you know?”
“Do I have to tell her? About the baby’s father, I mean.”
“She might ask you if there’s any reason for an amnio.” At Stephanie’s puzzled look, she added, “If there’s a genetic problem on his side of the family.”
“What do I tell her?”
“We’ll talk about that later.” They would come up with something, a way to put reason to an incredibly foolish mistake. “Right now we need to get you home and settled in.”
“What are you going to tell Dad?”
“The truth.” He was the one person she would not lie to about this, not even for Stephanie.
“You can’t. He’ll never understand. He’ll hate me.”
No, he wouldn’t understand. But he wouldn’t hate her. He would be upset and disappointed and feel the need for a dozen after-the-fact lectures. It would take him a day or two, but he would come around and deal with it in the same steady way he dealt with everything. “What did you have in mind to tell him?”
More tears. More sobbing.
Elizabeth mentally pulled back and stared at her daughter, the sage warning to be careful what you wished for echoing like a shout in a cave. Stephanie was home for the summer, and Elizabeth would give anything to have her back in New York calling to say what a wonderful time she was having. She leaned over to press a kiss to Stephanie’s cheek. “You’ll get through this. We’ll find a way. I promise.”
The words were the security blanket her daughter had come home to have wrapped around her. Snuggled into their comfort, Stephanie wiped her eyes and ran her hands through her thick, glistening auburn hair, righting her world. “I’m tired. Can we go home now?”
Elizabeth skipped the planned stop by the grocery store, settling on frozen corn instead of fresh, ice cream instead of strawberry shortcake, making do with what she had. She could stretch a meal for unexpected company, turning a single steak into Stroganoff for a crowd or salmon for two into fish tacos for half a dozen. She could dig through the bargain bin at a fabric store and come up with a prize-winning Halloween costume. She was Sam’s partner, his emotional support, his companion. She was a fierce, protective, loving mother who would give her life for her children without a second thought.
The Year that Everything Changed Page 22
