She was adamant about never having sex with me, but she slept in my bed every night, and she kissed me and touched me and drove me absolutely insane.
It was good. It was better than being away from her.
But sometimes I felt like I was losing my mind. Was anything any better for her than when I showed up? Was she ever going to leave? What if she decided that everything that was going on between us was nothing more than a sinful mistake? What if she decided she never wanted to see me again?
I didn’t think I could handle that. If I lost her for the second time, I thought it might crush me.
She was at the door to my apartment, shrugging into her coat.
I grabbed her. “Abby, wait.”
“Let go of me.” Her voice was shrill.
Damn it, she had to say it like that, didn’t she? And right then, I didn’t want to let go of her. Right then, I was starting to feel kind of angry with her. Right then, I was feeling a little bit like shaking her.
But I let go, maybe only because we’d been talking about Erin, and I still remembered the way I’d put my hands on her and called her names. I wasn’t my father, and I never wanted to hurt Abby.
So I backed away from her, but I clenched my jaw to keep from speaking, because there were words flying through my brain. Worthless. Lousy. Stupid.
My father’s words. Not mine.
She yanked the door open.
I tensed. I wanted to grab her and force her back inside. I wouldn’t allow myself to move.
She went out and slammed the door.
I shut my eyes. I was shaking. I forced myself to take deep breaths, trying to calm down.
I will not hurt Abby. I will not yell at Abby.
The door opened again. She was crying.
Her tears undid me. I held out my arms to her.
She ran to me.
I held her and she cried, her face buried in my shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish I hadn’t been with that girl.” Honestly, it had caused me nothing but pain.
She clung to me. “I had a miscarriage.”
What? I was stunned. I didn’t know what to say, how to respond. I tried to pull away, to look at her face.
But she held tight, and she wouldn’t let go. “When I first married him, I let him do it all the time, because I thought I had to. But I didn’t like it. I really didn’t like it. And then, after a while, I knew I was pregnant, because I was tired. I was so tired all the time. But I didn’t want to believe it. I kept hoping that it wouldn’t be true. I didn’t want to have Bob’s baby. I just didn’t want to. And then one day, I started bleeding and I… well, I lost the baby. And it was awful. It was really painful and scary, but… I was glad. Really glad. But then Bob got mad at me, because I was being disobedient, and he hit me. He hit my face, and then he wanted to have relations, and I told him I was bleeding, and he knew that I’d just had a miscarriage. But he said the baby died because I wasn’t submitting to him, so he pushed me down on the bed and he pushed my skirt up and then he just did it. And after that, I never let him touch me again. I fought him off. I ran. I wouldn’t let him.”
The rage was rising in me again. I gritted my teeth together. What the fuck was wrong with Bob? How dare he treat her that way? I shut my eyes, and I cupped the back of her head with one hand. “I want to kill him,” I rasped.
“He did other things,” she went on as if she hadn’t heard me. “He made me put his penis in my mouth, and it gagged me, and I—”
I shoved her away from me, and her words died. I stalked to the door, reaching for my coat. “I’m going to kill him now.” I opened the door.
“Jesse?”
I didn’t pay any attention to her. Anger was coursing through me now. It was red and hot, and I didn’t think I could turn it off now. I was going to drive back to the community, go into Bob’s house, and slam my fists into his face until he bled just as red and hot as this fury that was rushing through me.
I opened the door and a blast of cold wind hit me in the face. I pushed through it, tugging on my coat.
“Jesse, what are you doing?”
I headed for my truck. There was a metallic taste in my mouth. I was thinking about how good it would feel to hit Bob.
“Stop!” She grasped my arm and tugged on me.
I shook her off. “Worthless bastard doesn’t deserve any better,” I muttered and kept moving.
“Jesse!” She wedged herself between me and the truck. “What are you doing?”
I was face-to-face with her tearstained cheeks now, and the sight of her shattered something in me. I let out a breath, but it sounded more like a sob.
“You can’t go after Bob,” she said. “You can’t go back to the community. If Gideon sees you there…”
My whole body shook. “Someone should hurt him,” I said in a strangled voice. “After what he did to you. After what he took from you. After what I let him…” I balled my hands into fists. “I should never have left you, Abby. I left you to him. God damn it.” I drove my fist into the door of my truck.
The metal groaned and buckled.
My knuckles stung.
Abby backed away, hugging herself. There was fear in her eyes. The same fear that I’d seen in my mother’s eyes when my father started to yell.
I thrust my hands into my hair, and I turned away.
“I’m okay,” she whispered.
“No,” I said, laughing harshly. “No, you’re really not.”
“Jesse, please go back inside.” There was a tremor in her voice.
Shit. I didn’t mean to scare her like that. I was supposed to be saving her, helping her, not frightening her. I dragged my hands over my face and turned to face her. “I’m sorry.”
“I shouldn’t have told you,” she said.
“No, it’s okay. It’s…” I drew in a shaky breath and then I went back inside.
She followed me, closing the door.
We were both quiet.
I struggled to get my breathing under control, to let the rage drain away.
She came over to me and put both of her hands on either side of my face. “You don’t have to do things like that for me. You don’t have to get angry.”
“I know,” I said. “I get too angry. Sometimes it feels like I can’t stop.”
“You can,” she said. “See? It’s okay. You’re doing it now. You’re stopping.”
I kissed her. Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed her first—I promised I’d always let her make the first move. And maybe I kissed her too fiercely. But I needed to kiss her then. I needed something soft and good to drive away the anger.
She opened her mouth to me, and I lost myself against her.
* * *
Abby
I was late leaving Jesse’s house the next morning. I slept too long, and when I woke up, the sunlight was streaming through the windows. Panicking, I ran for my jeep and tore out of the parking lot. I wasn’t sure what would happen when I got back, but I thought it was likely that the wives might be awake when I got there. If they saw me coming back, they might assume that I’d been out all night.
Which was, of course, the truth.
But before I left Melville, I thought of a plan. I was responsible for making lunch that day, and I decided to stop at a grocery store to pick up a few cans of chickpeas. I could claim that I wanted to make hummus wraps or something, and that I needed to go out and get supplies. I’d say that I’d wanted to get it done early in the morning, which was why I’d left and gone out.
Generally speaking, we bought beans and chickpeas in bulk—dried. They’d need to soak before they could be used to make hummus, so it sort of made sense that I’d go out to get cans, since it would make the entire process easier.
I wasn’t sure if the story would fly or not, especially if Bob got wind of it. He knew that I left the house at night, at least on the nights that I was supposed to spend with him. But I was certain that he didn’t su
spect I was spending the night with another man. If he did, he would hurt me.
But as I was driving into the community, the sun cheerily in the sky, I saw Gideon’s truck coming the opposite way.
My heart began to thump in my chest.
Gideon pulled his truck across the road, blocking my path.
I screeched to a stop.
He got out of the truck and came over to my jeep.
My heart sped up even more. Warily, I rolled down the window.
Gideon smiled in at me. “Well, hello there, Abigail.”
I tried to smile too. “Good morning, Gideon.”
“It’s awfully early for you to be out and about, isn’t it?”
I gulped. “I, um, needed to go into Melville to go to the grocery store for lunch supplies.” I pointed to the grocery bag, which was sitting on the seat next to me.
Gideon peered in. “Ah, I see. What did you buy?”
“Chickpeas,” I said in a tiny voice.
He was still smiling. “Can I see?”
“You want to see the chickpeas?”
“If you don’t mind.”
He thought I was lying. He was checking up on me. He didn’t trust me. I willed my hands not to shake as I reached into the grocery bag and took out a can of chickpeas. I held it up for him.
He nodded slowly. “I see.”
I put it back in the bag.
“Is there a reason why you used the disposable bags, Abigail?” He was still smiling.
I swallowed. Whenever we went to the grocery store, which wasn’t often, we always brought our own reusable cloth bags. Waste not, want not. I gave him a tiny shrug. “I guess I forgot.”
“Well, you should be more mindful about such things,” he said. “It may seem like a small thing, but remember that God is always watching.”
I nodded.
Gideon leaned up against my jeep, clearly not intending to go anywhere. “How are things going with you and Bob? It’s been a while since we spoke.”
“Fine,” I said quickly. I didn’t want to talk about this at all.
“Did you ask his permission before you went out to the grocery store?”
“Well, he was asleep, and I didn’t want to disturb him. I was only gone for a short time.”
Gideon raised his eyebrows. “So, you left your house without your husband’s knowledge.”
“Just to go to the grocery store.”
“It might seem like a small thing, but it does make me wonder. Bob said you were very rebellious. I wonder if I should bring him in again to talk about your progress.”
“No,” I said. “Things are fine, really. I’ll never leave without asking him again, I promise. I really wasn’t thinking this through. It was early, and I had just woken up. I guess I wasn’t really all there yet.”
“No,” said Gideon, “it doesn’t seem as if you were.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Abby
Just woke up to find out that you’re already gone, read the text from Jesse. I miss you.
I kept my phone inside my dress, between my breasts. It was the best place to hide it, and I had to admit that I got a little bit of a thrill knowing that my one connection to Jesse was in such an intimate place. I always kept the phone on silent, not even on vibrate, because the vibration was too noisy. It meant that I didn’t get a notification when he texted, but I checked it throughout the day.
Right then, I’d just gotten back to the house and was in the bathroom getting ready for my shower.
I miss you too, I texted back. Should I tell him about Gideon and what had happened that morning?
I want to wake up next to you. I love you.
That made me feel all melty and weak inside. I love you too, I texted back. I wasn’t going to tell him. It would only worry him. Besides, I was going to leave soon. I really was.
At breakfast, I found out that I’d been wrong. It wasn’t my day to make lunch after all, which made my story look really stupid.
“In the future,” said Fern, “maybe it would be better if you checked with me before going all the way out to the grocery store.”
“You’re right,” I said.
“I don’t understand how you checked the pantry and saw there were no cans of chickpeas but didn’t see the meal schedule right on the door,” said Sally.
“Um, I guess I just didn’t look at it,” I said.
The three wives all scrutinized me.
I cringed under their gazes. This wasn’t good.
“Really, Abby, I can’t believe you haven’t gotten pregnant again,” said May. “Is everything okay between you and Bob?”
I stared down at the kitchen table. “It’s fine,” I said. “Really, everything’s fine.”
After breakfast, I decided that this was all too dangerous. I couldn’t stay here any longer. I’d have to leave tonight. I took an hour or two to pack up my clothes. When I snuck out that evening, I’d take them along with me, and then I’d stay with Jesse. I couldn’t come back here. There was no point in dragging my feet, anyway.
I went to visit my family in the afternoon, to say goodbye to my mother and my younger brothers and sisters. I couldn’t really tell them goodbye, of course. They couldn’t know that I was leaving. But I made sure to hug all of them, and to tell everyone that I loved them.
But when I got back to my house, Susannah was waiting for me in my bedroom. She looked terrified, and she stayed back away from the door.
“Gideon doesn’t know I’m here,” she said. “No one does. The door was open, so I just snuck into your room.”
“What’s going on, Susannah?”
“It’s my sister,” she said. “I know where she is.”
“She’s okay?”
“Well, she’s in Wyoming,” said Susannah. “She sent word back to me that she ran there to the other community.”
“Wyoming?” I was confused. Sometimes, rebellious members were sent to another community to shape up, but it was always young, single people, and Susannah’s sister was married.
Susannah nodded. “She left, Abby. She left us, and she ran there instead, and the leaders in Wyoming said she doesn’t have to come back. They said she’s too young to get married, and so she’s going to stay there.”
“Oh.” I gave her a hug. “Well, at least we know she’s okay.”
Susannah didn’t seem to want to be hugged. She wriggled out of my grasp and wandered over to the closet. “It’s just… she’s gone now. Really gone. And I’m married to Gideon, and he’s furious with her. He’s never going to let me see her again. He said she’s under a demon’s thrall, and that I should forget she was ever born. But she’s my sister, and I don’t know if I can do that.” She flung open the door of my closet in frustration.
She drew back, knitting her brows together.
Oh, no. She’d seen that I’d packed up all my clothes. I stood up. “Susannah—”
“Are you going somewhere, Abby?”
I licked my lips. “It’s… it’s Jesse. He came back for me.”
Her eyes widened. “Abby, you’re committing adultery, aren’t you?”
I twisted my hands around my skirt. “Please don’t say anything. I was going to leave with him tonight and never come back. If you can just keep quiet for a few hours—”
“You’re leaving me too?” Susannah shook her head furiously. “No, you can’t. If you’re gone, I’m not going to be able to make it.”
“I…” I didn’t know what to say to her.
She bit down on her lip. “If you leave too, then what am I going to do? Don’t leave me, please, Abby. Please.”
“You could come with us.” I hadn’t asked Jesse about this, but certainly we could take Susannah.
“No.” She gave me an incredulous look. “I can’t leave the community.”
“I can’t stay.”
She squeezed her eyes shut. “I can’t take it if you go.”
I hesitated.
“Please, Abby, you’re my best f
riend.”
* * *
“I don’t see what you’re going to do to help her by being there,” said Jesse.
I was pacing in the living room of his apartment. “Well, I know that, but she begged me. She’s my best friend, and I feel like I’m abandoning her.”
Jesse was sitting on the couch. He leaned his head back, sighing. “Yeah, I know that feeling. I still feel like I abandoned you. But we can’t save everybody. We just don’t have the resources. And I can’t stay here forever. I have money saved up, but it’ll run out eventually.”
“I know,” I said. “We’ll leave, and it has to be soon, because I think that Gideon suspects something.”
“What?” he said.
I told him about being stopped by Gideon and about having the chickpeas from the grocery store, and my gut feeling that Gideon suspected me of something.
Jesse got off the couch. “That’s it. You can’t stay there any longer. If anything else happens to you, I’m never going to be able to forgive myself. If they find out about us, Abby, it’s going to make it so much harder to get you out.”
“I can’t leave tonight,” I said. “I promised Susannah.”
“Why can’t we just take her with us?”
“I asked her. She said no.” I fidgeted. “Maybe if I waited some time to see if she changes her mind.”
“We don’t have that much time.” He came over to me. “I get worried sometimes. This is such a huge thing I’m asking you. I remember what it was like when I left everything I’d ever known behind. But I didn’t have a choice. If I had, I don’t know if I ever would have decided to leave, no matter how bad things were. I keep worrying that one day, I’m never going to hear from you again. You’ll decide that you need to repent, and you won’t come with me at all.”
“No, Jesse.” I pressed close. “I’m coming with you, I swear.” I tugged his head down to kiss him.
He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight against him. Our kiss deepened.
I slowly broke away from his lips, peering up at him. “I’ll prove it to you.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ll do something so you’ll know that I can’t back down. If you and I are together—really together—then I can’t ever go back to Bob. Once I’ve committed adultery, then I’ll no longer be wanted as his wife. So… let’s do it. Let’s have sex.”
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