by Norma Gail
It was fun to hear Graeme talk outside the church. He had skied at the best resorts in Europe and a couple in America and demonstrated a great sense of humor. “The first time I preached, I was so nervous I couldn’t sleep. I stayed up late the night before, studying. I sat down in a comfortable chair waiting to follow the choir in, and dozed off. I awakened to the sound of the service beginning. I hurried around the back of the stage, and when someone asked if anyone had seen me, I yelled, ‘Just coming.’”
Bonny noticed that his eyes stayed on Janet. “I stepped onto the stage with my tie over to one side, hot, and sweating. I had time to calm down during the prayer, but I felt so flustered I forgot half of my sermon. It wasn’t the best start, but I survived. Believe me, I make finishing my sermons ahead of time and getting a good night’s sleep a priority now.”
Kieran brought up dinner plans during a break in the conversation. “I hope you two don’t mind, but I planned a romantic dinner with Bonny this evening.”
“I guess we’re on our own, Janet. How about the Royal Tandoori?” The eagerness in Graeme’s voice was hard to miss.
With no other choice, she agreed.
The rest of the afternoon was a no-holds-barred competition, testing their stamina to the limit. Kieran fell taking a turn too sharp, and Bonny missed landing on top of him with a quick maneuver. Coming to a stop, she fell over in the snow, laughing, and found herself wrapped in two snowy arms by a big Scot who placed cold, wet kisses on her nose. They laughed until their sides hurt.
“Let’s race.” He tapped her on the nose with a gloved finger. “I’ll beat you this time.”
“Loser owes the winner a hot chocolate at the bottom.” She shoved him as he reached for a stray ski pole and headed down the hill.
Graeme and Janet waited at the bottom, laughing. As Bonny came to a stop, she yelled back to them. “Hot chocolate for everyone. Kieran’s buying.”
“Sounds good.” Janet grabbed Bonny by the arm and headed inside, leaving the men behind.
Dressed in a lavender sweater, Janet met Graeme in the lobby with a heavy heart. He offered his arm as they strolled down the street to the restaurant.
“I’m glad for the opportunity to finally have dinner with you.” He held the door, and the savory odors of curry, cumin, and turmeric greeted them as they entered the crowded restaurant.
“Kieran surprised me when he announced his plans for the evening.” Janet plucked at a piece of lint on her sweater. The waitress called them before he answered, but discussing the menu and the day’s skiing wouldn’t last long.“
Janet,” he said, after blessing their food, “I’ve watched you around the church since I came here. I’d like to spend time with you.”
She shut her eyes and plunged in. “Graeme, I enjoy skiing with you, but there’s something I should have told you a long time ago. I taught for a while at Edinburgh University and met a man in the military. We fell in love and married.”
The color faded from his face and a serious expression entered his coffee-brown eyes. She pressed on, explaining Sean’s affairs and the divorce.
“It’s not appropriate for me to spend time with a minister. I have to live with my mistake, but I didn’t intend to hurt you. Continuing as a foursome with Kieran and Bonny isn’t right. We have to remain pastor and church member, nothing more.” Her napkin had become a handkerchief, dabbing at her eyes, where the mascara formed dark puddles under her eyes.
He cleared his throat, staring at his untouched dinner. “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault for assuming …”
Silence loomed loudly between them. Janet hung her head. “I should have said something. I’m ashamed of the way Sean behaved, so I’ve avoided mentioning it since moving back to Fort William. Can you forgive me?”
He choked with emotion. “I should have made an effort to learn more details of your life outside church. How can I help?”
She dug a tissue out of her purse. “By allowing me to continue serving without making me feel uncomfortable. We can enjoy ourselves skiing tomorrow. I’ll be more relaxed now that you know, but we can’t spend time together again.”
Leaving their meals untouched, they walked back to the hotel, his hand putting light pressure on her back as they crossed the street. When they reached her room, he laid his hand on her arm, turning her to face him. He placed a light kiss on her hand as he said goodnight.
The next morning she told Bonny they had agreed to remain friends. Then they skied side by side, enjoying the only time they would ever have.
Three weeks later, Janet sat alone by her window staring in the direction of the church. Agnes walked in, laying her hand on her daughter’s shoulder. “Why do you ignore Graeme after church these days?”
“He loves me, Mum. In Aviemore, I explained what happened with Sean. I love him, but there is no way around the problem. It’s difficult to watch Kieran and Bonny. I don’t see how even God can fix this.”
Agnes massaged her daughter’s neck. “Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean God can’t do it, love.”
Chapter Twenty-five: Into the Depths
A few weeks later, Kieran and Bonny stood atop the Nevis ski area overlooking a magnificent world, white with sparkling snow and dotted by shimmering silver lochs. Kieran drew Bonny to him in a strong embrace. “I love you, my precious wife-to-be.”
“I love you, too.” He stood below her on the slope with their faces near the same level.
“July is so far away. I need you beside me.” Moisture puddled in the corners of his eyes, his lip quivering as he sighed.
She touched his cheek. “You’re not alone. We can see each other every day. We have a busy time finishing this semester, our pre-marital counseling, and wedding plans. I have to return to the States for Kari’s wedding.”
He rested his chin on top of her head. “Peace and quiet—you and me, alone, sharing the rest of our lives together. I want to snuggle with you and enjoy you as my wife. Aren’t you anxious?”
“Of course I am. I want it more than anything.” She moved back and looked at him. “Kieran, what’s wrong, love?”
“I don’t want to be alone anymore.” She saw a shadow behind his grim attempt at a smile.
Sidestepping, he put his arm in front of her and pushed off down the hill, beating her to the bottom, laughing as he watched her whoosh down after him.
“No fair. I want a rematch.”
“I couldn’t make another run if I had to. I’m wabbit. Your enchiladas sound perfect.”
Bonny slapped him on the back. “No fair, I demand a rematch.”
“I’d beat you again.” He pulled off his skis.
Bonny stepped out of her bindings and bent to pick up her own skis. “I’ve beaten you before.”
“Another day, Professor Bryant, another day. Will you drive home?”
“Of course.” The vacant stare and hollow sound to Kieran’s voice made her nervous.
They pulled into her driveway after dark. Kieran dropped onto the couch as they came through the door. “Ach, I need to sleep.”
Bonny touched her hand to his forehead, but he didn’t feel warm. “You’re so tired lately. What’s wrong?”
It was obvious that he avoided meeting her eyes. “I’ve had trouble sleeping.”
“Then rest. I’ll call you when it’s on the table.” She handed him a blanket from the back of the couch, and within seconds, he was snoring.
When dinner was ready, she whispered his name, placing a light kiss on his forehead.
He jumped, grabbing her arm, and pulling her down on top of him. “Bronnie, oh Bronnie, don’t leave me, please?”
She stiffened and pulled away. Something was very wrong, and she felt it in the pit of her stomach. Maybe the first time at the farm wasn’t a fluke. Perhaps the problem went deeper than the dreams. “Kieran, it’s me, Bonny.”
He sat up, shaking his head, his face pale and eyes wide, struggling to grasp his surroundings. His confusion changed to sorrow when
his panicked blue gaze fell on her. “Bonny … I was dreaming.” His head dropped to his hands, his voice weak and hoarse. “I’m having strange, vivid dreams. They’re so real.”
Her pulse quickened as she sank down next to him. “What dreams? You called me Bronnie again, love. You’re scaring me.”
His face turned whiter still, and he grasped her by the shoulders, fear etching lines in his forehead and around his eyes. “Forgive me, Bonny. I need you. I heard the baby crying. Sometimes, I’m not certain if I dreamed of her or you. Everything is lovely in my life now, but I feel hopeless. Bonny, I’m frightened.”
She put her arms around him, rubbing his back in circles, and he buried his face in her shoulder. She had no idea what to do.
The red-blond head shook back and forth, his eyes on the floor. “In my dreams they’re pleading with me, asking me for help. I should have moved her to my parents’ after the doctor said she had a problem.” He rubbed his eyes while gulping air.
Bonny shivered. “You turned this over to God at Christmas, remember?” His eyes, wide and ice blue, fastened on hers. “It keeps coming back, getting worse since the day you found me in her room. I—I need a doctor.” His voice sounded hollow. “I need help.”
Bonny reached up, combing her fingers through his hair, her thoughts whirling in a tornado of fear and love. “We’ll phone the doctor Monday. It’s an illness, love. You can’t help it.”
“I’m so weak. Forgive me.” The man who had become her rock dissolved into sobs, and her stomach knotted in reply.
She cupped his face in one hand, wiping the tears from his eyes with her fingertip. “No forgiveness is needed, Kieran. Admitting you need help shows strength. The failure to accept help is weak. I’ll stay beside you.”
He folded her in his arms and wept on her shoulder.
The doctor put Kieran on strong antidepressants without hesitation. He slept at his Aunt Alice’s when not teaching or preparing for classes. Maggie and Hamish drove down when they received Bonny’s urgent call for help. They would run the farm until he improved, entrusting Bridget and Kathleen to handle the inn.
“Thank you.” Maggie put her arm around Bonny. “He’s not as bad as in the past. You did a good job of getting him help.”
Hamish put his arm around her from the other side. “You and God will give him a reason to get well, nic-chridhe. He’ll pull through. We appreciate what you’ve done.”
“Thank you, but I think you’re wrong.” She didn’t have a tissue, so she wiped her eyes on her sleeve. “He’s so quiet and withdrawn. He doesn’t touch me or respond when I touch him.”
“It’s the depression.” Maggie reached for her hand. “He acted distant before. It will require patience, but I believe it will pass. He’s not alone this time.”
Bonny nodded, swallowing hard before she found her voice. “It’s not difficult showing patience. He’s so sweet and gentle—so very sad. I thought loving him was enough.” There was one thought she couldn’t bear to voice.
What if he didn’t get better?
The coming of spring brought little improvement. For two weeks he refused to see anyone but the doctor and Graeme. One thought repeated itself again and again. She deserves better.
The white marble headstone felt cool to the touch. Kieran laid his face against it, smoothing his hand over the names. “Bronwyn Murray MacDonell, Beloved Wife and Mother, and Liam Hamish MacDonell.” He put his hand to his chest, feeling the same sharp pain near his heart that he felt every time he saw only one date below his son’s name. The picture of the pale, small bundle lying on the floor beside his bleeding mother was etched in his memory.
He set the vase of yellow roses next to the stone. “Bronnie, I’m in love. She’s a lovely woman, and I have a chance for happiness, but I cannot make myself move on without you. I can’t pack away your belongings or change our room. My love for you and my anger at God follows me everywhere. How can I leave you behind?”
He sank down on his knees, pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket. “I want Bonny for my wife, but it’s not fair to her. I can’t stop dreaming of you, mo bhean, mo chridhe. She deserves love with nothing held back, and I can’t promise it. I’m so alone. How can I live without you or Bonny, without life and laughter and love?”
With one last swipe at his eyes, he stuffed the handkerchief back in his pocket and walked the short way to Bonny’s office at the college. After class, she was driving him to a doctor’s appointment. It wouldn’t help. Nothing did. It was impossible to fill Bronwyn’s place with Bonny or anyone.
Graeme asked Bonny to to sing the songs she prepared for Kari’s wedding when he taught on marriage from the fifth chapter of Ephesians.
For the first time since beginning his medication, Kieran decided he felt up to going to church. He had to hear her sing once more before she left. But as he listened, he realized what God expected of him and how wrong he had been to lie.
When she took her seat, he reached over and patted her arm, but the gnawing guilt growing inside made him fold his arms across his chest. As Bronwyn’s husband, he learned from watching Hamish. Now, he realized the intervening years of anger since her death showed his faith was false. He was unable to love Bonny as Christ loved the church because he did not love Christ.
He felt restless, jittery, and unable to sit still. He had read those same words in Beauly at Christmas. Now they shouted at him—he was a farce, incapable of loving Bonny as he should.
He felt fidgety and anxious to get away from the church, away from these people, and away from the feeling of being condemned as a liar and a fake. The ruby and diamonds sparkled on Bonny’s hand resting on his knee, causing his leg to burn as guilt and shame bore down on him. He loved her too much to force her to deal with his depression and failed expectations for the rest of her life.
While friends came up following the service to wish her luck on her trip, he exited through a side door and climbed into the passenger seat of the Land Rover. Bonny followed a few minutes later and scrambled into the driver’s seat. “What’s wrong, honey? You seem so tense.”
He couldn’t look at her, so he stared straight ahead, emotions roiling and churning inside him as she drove to her house for lunch. He hated himself for the angry, harsh words tumbling around in his mind. “Sit down, Bonny, we have to talk.”
Tempted to run, he paced the floor with his heart hammering hard in his chest. “The entire service this morning pointed at me. Now I understand what you want.”
She patted a spot on the couch. Her smile was a knife, tearing at his insides. “Kieran, I’ve prayed so hard. Come over here next to me, and stop pacing.”
Unable to face her, he focused on a picture hanging above her head. “Bonny, my faith isn’t real. You’ve compromised your beliefs because of me. I can’t meet your deepest needs any more than Adam can. I love you too much to lie.”
He saw her wince when he mentioned Adam.
“Kieran, no …”
“I can’t believe in God, and I can’t get over Bronwyn.” He put his finger to his lips. “You deserve complete love with no competition. You won’t have that with me.”
There, he had said it. With one sentence, he hurt her and destroyed any future happiness for himself. She massaged her throat until it turned red. He hated causing her pain, but to continue lying was impossible.
Tears shimmered in those green eyes, which could drive him to distraction with their love and vulnerability. “Kieran, don’t you love me?”
“My faith is a farce. Arrange to return home at the end of the spring semester. It’s better this way.” He turned toward the door, grabbing the keys off the table.
As his hand touched the doorknob, Bonny leaped up, grabbing him by the arms. “Please, Kieran, let me phone the doctor, or Graeme. It’s your depression. Listen, please …”
He wrenched out of her grasp, almost knocking her off her feet, and walked out. I hate this, but I have no other choice.
Chapter Twenty-six:
Alone Again
A clap of thunder shook the house, and lightning streaked the sky as the Land Rover disappeared into the thick fog. A chill settled over Bonny from somewhere deep inside. She ran to her room, collapsing on her knees beside the bed. Her heart cried out for God to heal Kieran’s heart. After venting her tears, she slept. When she awakened, she slid the ruby ring off and laid it in the box.
Five days later, Janet drove her to the airport. She averted her eyes as they passed the cemetery, avoiding the sight of the towering Scots Pine, blackened and split in two by a bolt of lightning the night Kieran left. At Kari’s insistence, she upgraded her plane ticket to first class to allow more privacy on the long flight. Though her heart was in tatters, she felt God’s presence unlike anything she had ever known. Each breath was a prayer for Kieran.
Kari met her at the airport in Albuquerque, her warm hug threatening to expose the raw emotion just below the surface.
“I can spend the night if you want me to. I thought you might need company on your first night home.”
“Thanks, but I’ll be fine. I haven’t slept much this week. I think I can now. I’ll call when I wake up.”
Kari clasped her hand, her eyes narrowing with worry. “You sound calm. Is it because you’re so tired?”
Bonny took her arm as they headed for baggage claim. “I feel calm. I’m heartbroken and disappointed, but God is carrying me. I’m so much stronger than when I left.” Her throat tightened as she rubbed her empty ring finger. “I wanted to come home wearing Kieran’s ring, knowing he was waiting for me.”
“I’m so sorry, Bonny.” Kari handed her a tissue and a bottle of water when they reached the car.
She rubbed her eyes with the tissue. “I prayed for God to enable Kieran to leave his past behind, no matter what happened between us. I will grow stronger because I know only God can complete me, not a person. My heart will survive.”
