“Abby.” James took a deep breath. “Please stop talking nonsense. And tell me what has upset you.”
Her body hunched over the baby. Her shoulders heaved with wrenching sobs. “Oh, James. She’s sick, James. Our little Anna is sick. I just know she’s going to die!”
He wrapped his arms around her. God, help us, he pleaded silently.
Tenderly, James lifted the infant from Abby’s lap and into his arms. “Oh, dear God.” The unchecked prayer slipped from his lips when he saw the blister-like spots that covered the soft, pale skin. “Dear God.”
Hugging the baby to his chest, he let the tears fall. Yet, even as he held the child in his arms, his heart was filled with a sense of peace. He pressed a kiss onto the small forehead and drew a deep breath. “I can’t put my feelings into words, Abby. But I feel confident that our baby won’t die.”
Abby shrugged her shoulders. “God allowed her to get sick. Why wouldn’t He let her die?”
“I can’t promise you that He won’t, Abby, but I trust Him to do what is best for Anna and for us. He clutched the baby’s feverish body closer to him. “We must trust Him with Anna. He loves her even more than you do.”
“Don’t you see? Tragedy just seems to follow me—”
“No,” he said gently. “I don’t see. Trials and tests and tribulations come to us all, Abby. Not just to you. He laid a comforting hand on her cheek. “God will give us the strength to face even this.”
He handed the baby back to Abby then strode over toward the fireplace. He stirred up the fire and threw another log on. After lighting the lamps, he shrugged into his coat and jammed his hat on his head. “I’m going to fetch Ada. She’s as good as any doctor in these parts. Besides, she’s a woman of deep faith, and she can help us pray.” James paused at the door, his hand gripping the knob. He turned to watch his wife. She sat in silence, blinking at the light. “I’ll hurry back as quickly as I can, but don’t just sit there and cry while I’m gone. Pray.”
The door slammed behind him. Abby leaned her head back in the rocker and closed her eyes. Pray? My prayers won’t help. I’ve prayed and prayed in the past. Has God ever answered my prayers?
Anna whimpered, and Abby automatically held her closer, adjusting her blankets. It had been hours since the babe had nursed. Abby’s breasts felt achingly full, yet the baby refused to eat. “Come on, little one,” she coaxed. “You need to eat.” The child sucked weakly for a moment then turned her head away. Her little mouth clamped closed.
Abby sighed, and her tears threatened to overflow. The child wouldn’t have enough strength to get well if she didn’t eat soon. Abby slowly buttoned her bodice, suddenly recalling James’s words of a few months ago. “Part of the responsibility is ours, love,” he had said. “Just as you can’t feed a baby who refuses to open its mouth, you limit God by refusing to accept His ways and His comfort.”
Was she really doing that, she wondered? Could it be that God had really been there through her whole life, and she had refused to accept Him, the very One who would strengthen her?
It seemed that she had begun to learn His ways just before Anna was born, but somehow she had fallen and slipped back. She could see that clearly now as she looked back on the last few weeks.
She had slipped out of the habit of reading God’s Word daily and had stopped praying so much when Anna arrived healthy and happy. How could she have done that? How could she have forgotten the way His presence comforted her during the birthing? “Oh God, forgive me,” she cried inwardly. Was He angry with her? Was that why her baby was sick?
A few months ago she would have assumed this to be true, but now … she wrinkled her brow as she struggled to recall the verses James had shown her. Wasn’t there one that said something about there being no condemnation for those who were in Christ Jesus? Yes, she was sure of it. James had explained that that verse meant that once she had confessed her sin and asked God to forgive her, He would. He wouldn’t be angry with her. She sighed in relief.
“ ‘Why so downcast, oh my soul? Put your hope in God!’ “ The verse from Psalms popped into her mind with such clarity that she was startled. Could she really put her hope in God at a time like this?
She sat up straighter, feeling determination flood through her. “I will.” She said the words aloud. “I choose to trust God this time.”
Hoisting herself out of the rocking chair, she carried the whimpering baby over to the window. Gazing out into the star-filled night, she felt her heart stir within her. If God, who created all things, could love her, then she surely could trust Him.
Abby tenderly placed Anna into her cradle in hopes that the baby would rest. As she eased back into her rocking chair beside the cradle, the door flew open. James strode inside, followed by Ada. The neighbor scurried to the baby’s cradle and began examining her with a physician’s skill. James came up beside Abby and put his arm around her. “Don’t be afraid,” he whispered in her ear. She laid her head against his shoulder.
“I’m not,” she whispered, marveling at the thought. “I’m not afraid.”
As Ada worked over the child, rubbing a concoction of Croton Oil and Tartaremetic Ointment into the tiny chest, James began to sing a familiar hymn. Abby closed her eyes, joining her voice with his. The presence of God filled the room in a way that Abby had never experienced before. She opened her eyes, almost expecting to see Him standing beside her. When their song ended and Ada finished her nursing tasks, an expectant hush filled the room. James gently lifted the baby from the cradle, his hands trembling. The trio of adults huddled around the child, and Abby sensed God’s presence encircling them as James began to pray.
“Father God, we bring little Anna to You.” His voice broke. “God, we dedicated her to You when she was born. She belongs to You, not us. But God, we love her, and we know that You have the power to heal her.” He dipped his finger into a jar of oil that Ada had retrieved from her bag of medicines and doctoring supplies.
“Father God, in Your Word, You teach us, if there are any sick among us, that we are to anoint them with oil and they will be healed.”
Ada placed a gentle hand on the baby’s chest and added her voice to James’s prayer. “Dear Lord, on behalf of this precious little child, Anna, we pray that You will touch her body and spare her life.”
Abby wanted to join James and Ada in their spoken prayers, but she was too choked with emotion to vocalize her petition. The words refused to leave her lips. She silently pleaded with the Lord, adding an emotional “Amen” to the others’ prayers.
She felt her heart constrict as James rubbed a drop of oil onto Anna’s forehead. Something gave way inside Abby at that moment. She couldn’t hold back the tears as she realized, clearly and finally, that God loved Anna—and God loved her. He wanted them both to be well and whole. Although she couldn’t fully fathom the thought, she suddenly understood that God loved her much more than she loved her own baby. She, Abby Parrish, was His child, just as Anna was her child. It was as if she had never understood that before.
She reached over and took the baby from James, her heart rejoicing in fresh revelation. God Almighty loved her!
Anna’s sudden loud cry took Abby by surprise, and she smiled up at James when he chuckled. “I think she’s hungry,” she said in amazement.
He nodded, placing a large hand on the child’s head. “I believe the fever’s gone.”
Abby pressed her cheek to Anna’s face. It was smooth and cool. She felt fresh, happy tears streaming down her cheeks once more, but she let them fall freely. “Thank You, God,” she whispered.
The next few weeks were filled with wonder and joy, as Abby marveled constantly over God’s love for her and His healing of Anna. Finally, she felt as if her heart was beginning to understand what God’s Word said.
“It’s like I see things so much clearer now,” she said to Iris one day.
The older woman bounced Anna on her lap. “That’s what happens when we open ourselves up to the Holy Spir
it and let God teach us through His Word.”
“For the first time, I feel like I really know God loves me.”
“And your husband does, too.”
Abby jumped. “James, I didn’t hear you come in.” Her face burning, she refused to look at Iris. Was he trying to embarrass her?
Iris handed the baby to him. “This little girl wants her daddy, and Aunt Iris needs to get back to town.” She bent to hug Abby and whispered in her ear. “Don’t deny yourself your husband’s love, Abby.”
Abby clenched her jaw. How could Iris know anything of her feelings? How could she know the many nights Abby had lain in bed, exhausted, yet sleep would not come? How could she know the anguish of love that could never be fulfilled?
Iris straightened up and patted her shoulder. “Bring that little one for a visit soon,” she said, her bright tone belying the meaningful look in her eyes as Abby finally met her gaze.
Abby nodded shortly then blew out a sigh as the door swung shut behind her sister-in-law.
“What was that all about?” James’s handsome face wore a frown.
Abby shrugged. What could she tell him? That she was ashamed because his sister had guessed the truth about their marriage? Or that even though she was now assured of God’s love for her, she could never give her husband that same assurance of her love? Perhaps she should just go ahead and tell him of her love and disregard her vow to God. Yet the very thought made her shudder. Surely she owed God even more, now that He had healed little Anna.
“Abby?” What is going on in her mind?
“I … I’m sorry, James.” She gave him a wan smile. “Guess I lost my train of thought.”
He fought against a twinge of rising irritation. For days now, he had watched as she fluctuated between joy and despair. “Abby, if you’re worried that I’m going to force myself on you now that you’re no longer with child—”
“Oh no!” She looked shocked. “I never thought that.”
Well, that’s good, at least, he thought grimly. Or is it? Didn’t she know how much he desired her as his wife? He had tried to be kind and very patient. But things didn’t appear to be changing anytime soon. He had prayed the best he knew how. Quite frankly, his hope was waning. How long must his heart wait to hear her utter sweet words of love? His frustrated thoughts found their way into words before he had time to consider the consequences.
“Abby, I don’t know what more I can do to win your love. Won’t you ever love me—like I love you? Must you cling to that absurd vow of yours forever?”
Her face flushed, and he could have kicked himself for airing his regrets and disappointments so. Why had he so frankly exposed his feelings? Surely such bluntness would only hinder his cause, not help.
“I’m sorry,” she said again. Her voice was quiet, filled with resignation.
So this was the way it was going to be. He placed the infant in her cradle then turned abruptly toward the door. “I’m sorry, too, Abby. More that you could know.”
The door banged shut, punctuating his words with finality. Abby stared after him, despair threatening to overwhelm her. “God, what else can I do? I promised You. And I have to keep my vow, don’t I? I promised that I would never give another man my heart. And now that I know how much You love me, how could I even think about breaking my vow?”
She buried her face in her hands. What had she done? I never should have married you, James, she thought in agony. You’re too good of a man to be stuck with me.
The baby whimpered, and Abby tended to her automatically. “Mama loves you,” she whispered through her tears. “Mama won’t ever leave you, little one,” she crooned.
God had saved her baby’s life, and she owed Him a great debt, of that she was sure. Now she felt it was even more imperative that she keep her vow. Maybe she should do James a favor and leave. Then he would be free to find someone who could be the true wife he deserved.
The following days were agony as a heavy silence settled between them. James spoke to her only when necessary, his mouth held in a grim line the rest of the time. He had moved out to the barn, for all practical purposes, even sleeping in one of the empty stalls.
Does he despise me so much that he can’t even sleep in the same house? Abby wondered. She felt at an impasse, unable to find a solution. They couldn’t go on like this much longer—and surely not for the rest of their lives.
“I should never have married you, James,” she said softly one night.
He whirled around, his blue eyes filled with pain. “Please, don’t utter such words ever again. I love you dearly, Abby. God answered my heart’s prayer when He brought you into my life. No matter how you feel about me, I love you. You are my wife, and I am totally committed to you.” His voice broke on the last words, and he turned away from her again.
She was powerless to resist the urge to wrap her arms around him. It was the first time she had dared touch him in days. With the gesture of affection, the floodgates of her soul opened. She laid her head against his strong back, feeling him stiffen at her touch. Then turning in her arms, he gathered her against him. He buried his face in her neck, and she felt his hot tears mingling with her own.
“I don’t know what to do, James,” she sobbed. “I don’t know what to do.”
He held her as if he would never let go. “Hush, now. We’ll figure out the rest later.” His arm tightened around her, protecting her, shielding her, giving her hope. Could there possibly be a way to have her husband’s love and God’s approval at the same time? She felt almost traitorous in thinking it.
She pulled away from him, searching his face as if she could will him to know how much she loved him.
He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for my behavior of late, Abby.” He cupped her cheek in his large, work-roughened hand. “I just love you so much, and I don’t understand why we—”
“But you know why, James,” she burst out in frustration. Why did he have to make it worse?
“No, I don’t know why. If it’s because you made some sort of promise to God out of ignorance—”
“It doesn’t matter.” She stepped back from him, as if putting physical distance between them would help her get ahold of her thoughts. “It doesn’t matter. I made the vow, and I have to keep it.”
“I don’t believe that, Abby.”
“What?” She stared at him as if he had lost his senses. “Doesn’t God require obedience?”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Yes. Yes, of course He does. But I don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here.” She frowned. What was he getting at?
“I think that out of your pain and confusion, you tried to make a bargain with God.”
She had never looked at it that way before. “But I still promised.”
He sighed. “I know.” He looked like he wanted to shake her. “But don’t you understand? God brought us together, Abby. He has blessed you with a future and a hope.”
She shook her head. It couldn’t be that easy. She couldn’t simply sit back and take what He had handed her, even if it was something good.
“God loves you,” James said, as if reading her thoughts. “He sent Jesus to die, to forgive our sins, but also to give us life, and even abundant life, the Bible says.”
Could that really be true? She pressed her hand to her forehead. “I’m just so confused.”
“God is not a God of confusion, Abby.” James reached for his Bible. “It says in here that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind.”
“But—”
“Do you think being fearful and worried about this is what God wants for you?” She shrugged. “But I don’t deserve—”
“Deserve?” James interrupted. “Why, Abby, none of us deserves a single one of God’s gracious gifts. We don’t deserve them, nor can we earn them.” He smiled. “I knew there was something that was keeping you from understanding this.” He pulled his Bible from the table and intently flipped through the pages un
til he came to the verse he had been seeking. “Here, read it for yourself. The second chapter of Ephesians, verse eight. Do you see it?”
She looked where his finger jabbed the page. “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.” She read it again, aloud this time. Before she could say anything, he was flipping pages again.
“Now, read this one,” he pleaded.
“For … ye have been called unto liberty; only use not liberty for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.” She squinted up at him. “What does this mean?” she whispered. Surely it didn’t mean what she suspected.
James framed her face with his hands. “It means,” he said, “that you are free. It means that we obey God out of love and gratefulness, not out of duty, debt … or fear.”
She was speechless.
James put the Bible down and drew her into his arms gently. “Father God, please reveal Your love to Abby. Open her eyes of understanding. She is not to serve You out of anything but love and gratefulness. Nor for anything she needs to repay, and not because of anything she has done or not done. She is Your child because she accepted Your Son. And she is righteous in Him alone.”
Abby lay in bed, her mind racing. Could it really be as simple as James made it sound? That she didn’t have to work and strive to pay her debts to God?
She closed her eyes, hearing the chilly fall wind howling past her window. She shivered, pulling the quilt up tighter under her chin. In the faint light of the banked fire, she could see James sleeping in front of the hearth. Dear James. She smiled, glad that he had moved back in the house from the barn. She pictured him lying next to her, his arms holding her close.
Her cheeks burned guiltily at the thought. Surely God would be displeased with her if she broke her vow, and something bad would happen. It just couldn’t be as easy as James had made it sound.
She heard Frank whimper outside the door, and she groaned. That dog never could stand to be outside when a storm was brewing. And from the sound of that wind, they were in for some snow tonight.
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