by Ronica Black
“I just…I think I got too emotionally involved. With the dogs. That’s all.”
“And you don’t want to return to the shelter? If anything, I think that shows you care. And surely Jayden or someone can help you through that.”
“Wait a minute. I thought you were learning to handle that better. You know, since the night of that rescue? You said you had really grown a lot, having to face death with that young dog. You said even Jayden was impressed.”
Kassandra sighed, growing frustrated.
“I’m just in a strange place right now. I need more time to myself.”
“But you were making such a difference. And you were happier. You looked as though you’d been lit up from the inside.”
“I just enjoyed seeing the boys.”
“And the dogs,” Katelynn added.
“And maybe even…Jayden?” Wendy asked.
Kassandra glanced up quickly. Her mouth went dry. She tried, but she could think of nothing to counter it. She knew her wall was crumbling and her friends were watching it fall piece by tiny piece. They wanted in and they were using truth and understanding to penetrate.
“I remember the first woman I had feelings for. God, I didn’t know what was happening to me. I thought I was going insane. I couldn’t stop thinking about her,” Wendy said.
“You can’t sleep, you can’t eat. You want nothing more than to just be with her.”
Kassandra finished off her wine and cleared her nervous throat. They were talking about her and how she felt about Jayden. It was the same. How could they be so dead-on?
“I’m…okay, really.”
“You’re okay, all right. You’ve been on cloud nine. You were high on her.”
“Until now.”
Kassandra closed her eyes. “Can we just please talk about something else? Anything else.”
Katelynn touched her hand. “I think you need to talk about this.”
Kassandra didn’t know what to say. While she trusted her friends, she didn’t really trust herself. If she admitted her feelings, it would make things real. It would mean Jayden had gotten in and she’d have to deal with it. Her heart just couldn’t take it.
“I like Jayden, yes. But nothing is going on. We’re just friends and that’s how it’s going to remain.”
“So you’ll go back to the kennel?”
Kassandra smiled at their persistence. Could she go back? She’d told herself Jayden was nothing but a friend. That she could handle it. She was stronger now, in control of her thoughts and feelings.
“Sure.”
“Great. I think you’ll be happy with this decision,” Katelynn said.
“Me too.” Wendy smiled.
Kassandra rolled her eyes. “As if I had a choice with you two breathing down my neck.”
“That’s right. Don’t you forget it, either.”
“We just want your happiness.”
“I know.”
“And someday, we hope you’ll let us in.”
“I do.”
“All the way.”
Kassandra saw the sincerity on their faces. She was truly grateful for them and she knew they’d never intentionally hurt her. Maybe someday she could trust enough to tell them everything.
“Hey, look who’s here.”
Three new people appeared and Katelynn and Wendy both stood and gave hugs. Two were women, and they shook hands with Kassandra, pulling out chairs to sit next to her. The man sat next to her friends and he politely shook her hand also. His name was Brian, and Kassandra remembered that this was the man Katelynn and Wendy had wanted her to meet.
“I’ve heard so much about you,” he said with a gentle smile. Then a perplexed look came over his face. “Haven’t we met?”
Kassandra blinked, unsure. He did look a little familiar. “I’m not sure.”
He snapped his fingers. “Yes, I think you live in my complex. Garden Grove?”
Kassandra laughed. “Yes, of course. I run into you getting the mail some days.”
He opened his straw and drank from the glass of ice water the waiter brought. “I don’t think I could forget a face like yours.” He smiled again.
Kassandra looked to Katelynn and Wendy, who looked a little uneasy, as if they thought she might bolt at any second.
“We’ve told Kassandra a lot about you.”
“Oh, no.” His blue eyes shined and he had a warm smile. But Kassandra wasn’t moved by him. His haircut was nice, his shirt pressed, along with his pants. And she knew most women would find him attractive, but she didn’t. His arms were hairy, not at all smooth and tanned like Jayden’s. He had a five o’clock shadow, and she knew from experience how rough it would feel on her skin.
She’d been dreaming of soft, smooth, warm skin on skin. She knew that kissing this man would be nothing like kissing Jayden.
“Kassie?”
Kassandra refocused, unaware that she’d been daydreaming.
“You okay?”
“Yes, fine.” The waiter had brought her more wine. She sipped, silently cursing herself for thinking of Jayden again. But truth was truth. She didn’t want this man, or any other man.
Brian, though, seemed to have other ideas. He asked her question after question, as if they were on a date. She answered, keeping her answers brief. She didn’t want to be rude, but she was more interested in the conversation the women were having. The two women were gay, just like her friends, and they were discussing relationships and dating.
Kassandra found herself wanting to know everything.
Brian seemed to want her all to himself, though, and he kept on with the questions. When he finally asked her out, she was frustrated and a little inebriated.
“So what do you think? Maybe we could go for a hike and picnic at this creek I know of.”
“That sounds nice,” Wendy said. “Which creek, Brian?”
“Fossil Creek.”
Kassandra felt herself heat with frustration and anger. Everyone was assuming she wanted or that she should date this guy. What she wanted—what she really wanted—she had chosen to let go and that angered her even more. So she decided to put it all to rest.
“I’m not dating men anymore.”
Everyone fell silent. Brian looked shocked, his face crestfallen. All four women searched her face madly, looking for answers, a reason, an explanation. Then Wendy laughed and clapped her hands.
“Well, amen, sister.” She wrapped an arm around her and gave her a squeeze. “I believe she has just spoken her truth.”
“I guess she has,” Katelynn said.
Brian sat staring at his fork, trying to look up and smile from time to time, as if he was taking it all in stride.
“Kassie, would you mind coming with me to the restroom?” Wendy asked.
Kassandra placed her napkin on the table and rose. She followed her to the front of the restaurant where people were mingling in the crowded bar.
“What’s going on? What was that all about?”
“I just told the truth. It’s what you wanted. For me to share everything.”
Wendy nodded, rubbing the back of her neck as if she didn’t know what to do.
“Yes, you certainly did. Why didn’t you say something sooner?”
“Because I didn’t know until just now.”
“You want to date women now?”
Kassandra grew frustrated again. “I just don’t want to date men. Can’t that be good enough for now?”
“Is this about Jayden?” She met her gaze and seemed to see something. “It is, isn’t it? I should’ve known.” She held her hands. “You have real feelings for her, don’t you? You don’t have to answer. Just know that we are here for you. We understand.”
Kassandra looked away, too afraid she would tear up. “I want to know things,” she confessed.
“I know. Honey, I know. You probably have a million questions.”
“But I’m afraid. I’m afraid knowing will only make it worse.”
“You m
ean make your feelings stronger?”
“Yes.” Kassandra felt her knees weaken with relief. “And I don’t want them to get worse. I’m doing my best to push them away. Because I just can’t risk getting hurt.”
Wendy pulled her in for a strong hug. “I understand everything you’re feeling. All of it. You’re not alone. And you’re not crazy or weird or wrong.”
“Thank you,” Kassandra said, the tightness in her chest lifting.
“Do you want to come back to the table?”
“No.” She laughed. “I think Brian is embarrassed, and I’m sorry for that.”
“No, don’t be. You were honest. No harm in that. I’m sorry we tried to set the two of you up. You told us not to, but we did it anyway. Can you forgive me?”
“Yes.” Kassandra smiled as they pulled apart.
“Okay, go. I’ll handle Brian. Call us, okay?”
Kassandra nodded and headed out to her car. The warm wind blew against her and she imagined more tiny pieces of her wall breaking off in it, settling behind her on the asphalt. She would go back to the kennel. She could handle Jayden. And she would let her friends in more.
She felt the best she’d felt in a long time.
Chapter Twenty
Jayden pulled up on the car-lined street. She slowed her truck to a crawl and squinted in the dim light for a space to parallel park. As she searched she wondered for the hundredth time what she was doing there. Mel had insisted she come, somehow knowing her mind was on Kassandra all the time. Little did she know how right she was.
She backed into a space near one of her friends’ vehicles. She’d see many of her friends here tonight, but she wasn’t looking forward to it. She’d been to dozens of parties with her friends and she used to have fun. But lately they’d all been the same. Same women, just different couplings. Everyone was happily dating, having a good time, yet here she was second-guessing it all.
Was that really what she wanted from life? For this dating game to continue indefinitely? Why hadn’t she settled down before? She’d met some really incredible women.
She locked her truck and headed up the sidewalk. The music was muffled, but she could still make out the song. “Love Shack” by the B-52s. It was an eighties-themed party, and she saw a few women ahead cross the road wearing miniskirts and ankle boots. Their bangs were high, and as she drew closer she could see the heavy makeup. Despite not really wanting to be there, it made her smile, and she just knew Mel would be wearing something crazy.
As for her own outfit, she was happy with her tight-fitting faded jeans, authentic pewter Vans shoes, and an old Vuarnet France T-shirt that fit her snugly. She even put on some Obsession for the evening.
“Hey, Jayden.” A woman Jayden recognized welcomed her just inside the door. She couldn’t remember her name, so she smiled and waved, heading farther inside the large house.
The music was now very loud, and people were laughing and shouting to be heard. A thick mass of women cluttered the living room, many of them dancing. Hugs began to come at her from people she knew but had a hard time recognizing with the makeup and hair. She returned the hugs and greetings and laughed at a few once she realized who they were. Everyone had gone all out in costume, and she was beginning to think she might have fun.
“Mel’s out back,” Deedee said, throwing her arm around her shoulders.
“Of course she is.” Jayden knew exactly where Mel would be. And frankly, it was where she preferred to be as well.
Deedee gave her a squeeze and then stopped and turned her to face her. “You come alone?”
Jayden shrugged. “Yeah, I guess I did.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without a date.”
“You have now.” Jayden smiled.
“Well, damn. I think the earth just shook a little.” Deedee patted her back and took a big swallow of beer. She was dressed in parachute pants and high-top Adidas shoes. Her shirt was torn and covered in safety pins.
“Speaking of which, where’s your date?” Deedee and Maria had been together for over ten years.
Deedee looked around. “She’s here somewhere. Last time I saw her she was chasing down a George Michael look-alike.”
“Tell her I said hello.” Jayden scanned the dozens of faces. Some she knew, some she knew she should know but couldn’t quite tell. Others were just faces in a crowd. No one looked like Kassandra, and her heart sank at the realization. But then it lifted again as she let herself think about what Kassandra would be wearing if she were at the party.
“You okay, hot stuff?” Deedee asked.
Jayden couldn’t look at her. “Yes. I was just looking for someone.” She gave her a firm hug. “I better go find Mel.”
Deedee winked at her and returned to the dancing crowd, beer held high.
Jayden wove her way through the wall of people and found the arcadia door. She slid it open and stepped back into the mild night. Chili pepper lights lined the top of the patio. Chimeneas burned in various corners of the yard, accompanied by lit hurricane lamps spread throughout the area for low lighting. The mood was very intimate, and Jayden felt her throat tighten as she once again thought of Kassandra.
The small pool was off to the left, the pool light changing colors every minute or so. Women lingered near the edges, talking, laughing. A few were in the pool, calling the others to come in. Jayden walked past them to the far corner of the yard, edging a couple of queen palms as she did so. She let out a whistle as she waited near a chimenea. She tossed in another piece of wood and stared at the firelight as she waited. Soon she heard rustling and soft cursing as Mel stepped out of the darkness.
“’Bout time you showed,” she said, wiping the corners of her black lips. She was dressed as Jayden had expected. New wave with late punk influence. Hair in a Mohawk-type style, heavy eye makeup that flared to her temples, pink, green, purple, long earrings, various chokers, and a black fishnet half top over a red bra.
“Nice boots,” Jayden said, recognizing the old pair of Doc Martens leading up to black leather pants.
“You look…” Mel paused, looking her up and down, “Very mellow.”
“Hey, I’m even wearing Obsession,” Jayden said, defending herself.
“You’re such a Goody Two-shoes.”
“Right. We know both know that’s not true.”
More rustling came from behind the palms, and a woman in a tight-fitting minidress came out, looking perplexed.
“Are you coming back?” she asked, looking to Mel.
Mel took her hand. “Sure am. This is my friend Jayden. Jayden, this is Carly.”
Jayden gave her a wave and resisted rolling her eyes. Mel had probably known her all of ten minutes.
“Hey, someone here is looking for you,” Mel said with a wink.
“Oh God, who?” If Mel was excited, it couldn’t be a good thing.
Mel snapped her fingers, obviously trying to remember a name. “Nora,” she finally said. “From dinner a while back. She recognized me and remembered you.”
Jayden had to think a moment. “Oh.”
“Yeah, oh. She’s here and I told her you were coming. She’s disappointed that you haven’t called.”
Jayden sank her hands into her pockets. “Great, wonderful.”
“Go grab a beer and see if you can find her. Bring her and join us.” Mel playfully slapped her arm. “You might as well enjoy yourself while you’re here.”
Jayden stared into the firelight. She contemplated just leaving and not dealing with any of it. But what would she do? Go home and pine over Kassandra? She knew she couldn’t wish a woman to be interested, but she’d honestly never been in this position before. She didn’t fall for straight women. Or women who were afraid to be interested.
“Hey, look. I know you’re thinking about her, but come on, Jay, she’s not here. She’s at home reading or loving up on her boyfriend. Or whatever straight women do.”
Jayden pushed out a sigh. “Yeah.”
“Ye
ah?” Mel gripped her forearm in reassurance.
“Yeah.” Jayden nodded and gave in. Mel was right. She should enjoy herself and push Kassandra out of her mind.
“That’s my girl.” Mel smiled. “Go grab a beer.”
She led Carly back behind the palm trees to their secret spot.
Jayden went for the cooler on the patio. The music from the house rocked, and she hummed along to “You Make My Dreams” by Hall and Oates. She cracked open a bottle and took a few good sips of Miller Lite. The night was perfect, mid-seventies and clear skies. She closed her eyes and pushed all thoughts away. Her staff was covering all calls, giving her a much-needed night off. Another one of Mel’s demands. But this time even Allie had agreed.
“Jayden, hey,” Maria said, hurrying up to her. She tugged on a young George Michael. “Doesn’t she look great?”
“Yes, she does.”
The young woman had the aviator shades, leather bomber jacket, torn jeans, even the five o’clock shadow.
Maria hugged Jayden fiercely and kissed her cheeks. She was wearing leggings with leg warmers and Reebok high-tops. An off-the-shoulder half top showed off a neon sports bra.
“Deedee said you were here alone. I didn’t believe her.”
“I am.”
Maria looked concerned. “What gives?”
“Nothing, I just don’t have a date.”
“Something’s up. I know it.” Maria held her chin and looked into her eyes. “Oh yes, something’s different.”
Jayden tried to pull away. “Nothing is up.”
But Maria held firm. “Oh my God, Jayden, you’re in love.”
This time Jayden did pull away. She felt herself anger a little. “I’m fine.”
“Jayden, Jesus.” Maria whispered something to George Michael, causing her to leave them alone.
“Maria, I’m not in love. Nothing is up. I’m fine.”
“Jayden Beaumont, how long have you known me?”
“Ten years.”
“And in ten years have you ever known me to be wrong about you?”
