by P. S. Power
Had it really been that long?
His dad had left them suddenly six Christmases ago. Three days left to the anniversary of that. So, yeah. T'was the season.
Carl had left them for another woman, who he'd gotten pregnant. So they'd moved from the big house that they'd all shared across town, to here, and just stayed in place. His dad still lived there with Katherine and their new kid, Marley. Josh sighed with a bit of energy. Sure, he missed the bigger, much nicer, place, but this one worked well enough. He'd hate to have to clean six rooms each day anyway.
That done and it really didn't take long, not doing it daily, he sat at the little dining room table that had four chairs, all nice looking wood in a deep brown that was almost black, even though they rarely got used more than one at a time, and pulled out the big beat up envelope and the smaller white one from Amy.
Josh knew that he should be intrigued, even hopeful, because it was a point of contact that really shouldn't have been there. It was maddening in a way, because if he didn't read it, then it could say anything. It could even say that she loved him. Or didn't think he was a complete waste of space. Or it could be a party invitation. Anything.
Sure, it could also be a six dollar coupon for hamburgers just as well, or a suggestion that he stop staring at her like a freak.
It was probably that.
He did look at her a lot and really, Josh knew, he shouldn't be. They were friends. Sort of. Just thinking about her stole his breath away though. It was really hard not to glance at her when he could.
“Yay. I'm mentally stalking a girl. Whee. That's not strange at all. Nope, perfectly normal.” This got said out loud, which made him jump slightly, since he hadn't meant to.
Well, no time like the present. If it was basically telling him to get lost and leave her alone, dealing with that now would be better than the day before he went back to school. It would give him a chance to figure out what to do. Taking a single deep breath he opened the small white square. It was...
A Christmas card.
Ah.
That made some sense. It was around Christmas and she had said it was a card, hadn't she? Just a card.
It had bunnies on the front in pale brown, hopping around a pastel colored green tree with a model train underneath. He exhaled and opened it, expecting it to just be signed, or maybe say “Merry Christmas!” but it had a tidily written note instead.
Josh,
We used to be such good friends- I'm not sure what happened, but I don't want to lose that. If I hurt you, I'm sorry.
Much Love,
Amy
The words were clear enough, but didn't make sense at all. He liked her a lot, yes. Josh had for a long time. They'd never been that good of friends though, had they? They talked before and after class and worked together during it sometimes. They didn't hang out. OK, he'd been talking to her less lately, but that was just him not trying to be pushy.
Well, obviously to her it meant he was mad at her or something.
Great.
He didn't even know her phone number or anything, to tell her it was all good. Or confess that he loved her and that was why he'd pulled back. Josh wasn't in her league and it was just wrong to make her put up with him following her around like a puppy. It had sounded kind of noble to him at first. Protecting her from being pulled down by him socially or something.
It did hurt though. But that wasn't her fault. She was just great all the time. Josh wasn't. That was all.
He looked at the way she signed it, “Much Love”. His heart sang for about twenty seconds. Did that mean she loved him?
It didn't. He knew that.
She was nice all the time, so she probably would have signed it the same way if she were telling him to go kill himself. Still, wanting to be friends wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to him. It was something in a big world that had offered nothing to him for a very long time. Not anything that he wanted.
Josh tucked it away in the envelope and set it aside for later. He had ten full days to think about it and figure out what to do. If anything. Maybe the best course would be to just let her think he was mad at her or bored and didn't want to be friends? Not best for him, but for her?
To distract himself he opened the larger envelope, which felt almost greasy under his fingers, a bit old and grimy. When he opened it two things came out, a large notebook, spiral bound and thick, with little taped on dividers in different colors and a tiny box of Crayola crayons. The outside of the notebook was covered in a tidy fashion that had obviously taken care on someone's part with a brown paper bag book cover, which looked decently new, if not perfectly so. In multiple colors on the front it said Crayons. That was all. A title? Who put book covers and titles on spiral bound notebooks. It seemed like a lot of extra work.
Josh cracked it open carefully, waiting for the gag or trick, confetti flying out at him or a little device making a screaming noise, until he found the first page with writing on it. That was a bit of a letdown after wondering what it could be so anxiously. Not that he wanted a prank.
The top line was crayon, brown, the hand obviously female, though the words were printed neatly. He didn't know how he could tell, but it was clear anyway.
I am brown.
Under that the words were just written in regular black ink, the same hand, printed and tidy.
You were chosen. If you're reading these words, you are now a member of a very secret club, Crayons. This is our journal, our testament to the ages. Our voice. Only one person in all the world knows who has this book, other than you. Tell no one what you read here and write what is truest to your heart. There is no judging, no condemnation. Just love.
Blinking Josh wondered if it was a prank after all. Who in the world would pick him for a club? For that matter, what kind of clubs just told you that you'd been picked like this? Were there dues? Had he signed up and somehow forgotten?
Nope. He would have remembered something like that. He remembered most things, it was a curse as often as not. Josh couldn't help it. Most of the time he hid the fact from other people though. It was useful in class, but he remembered every smile, every frown, the awkward glances and slights that everyone gave him too. That part just sucked. Mostly he just tried to let stuff go, but it was easy to learn not to trust someone that might have even been a friend eventually if he could just forget what they'd done before.
The rest of the first page was a list of rules, which were simple enough. Write in your own section, based on color, print as neatly as you could, say only the whole truth and hold nothing back. When you were done, you taped the envelope to your own locker for pick up.
It would come around more than once.
Other than that, they were supposed to each read each color's input and if they found anyone in the drama department that seemed to fit the bill, they were to help them if they could. It didn't matter if the person that got help was the same one or not, since helping someone out was a good thing regardless. That was all.
It was telling though. The project or club, whatever it was, just existed in the drama department? Well it was the artsy kind of thing that they'd all appreciate and it made sense that he might be selected at random for something like that then, since he'd been in the class for a year and a half and helped on two plays. Josh didn't feel like part of the team maybe, but he'd been around. Maybe someone had made a mistake?
Heh.
Shrugging Josh decided to make dinner first, which meant calling his mother at work, because he never knew when she'd be coming home. It was Friday, but her law office stayed open late, since they handled criminal cases and people got into trouble more during nights and weekends than any other time. Not that having a lawyer then helped that much, since the courts didn't run on the weekends, but sometimes they could get people out of minor things or even bother a judge at home if it was important enough. Mercy wanted to make partner, so she was willing to put in the extra hours to help build the client base.
“Mercy Harding's office, how may I direct your call?” The voice was familiar, Joanie, the law partnership's younger secretary.
She was a little plump, but in a sexy kind of way, curvy. Hard working and always nice when Josh called, going out of her way to be sweet as often as not. Even flirting with him playfully. He liked her. Really, he had a bit of a crush on her, as in, if she'd go for it, he'd totally have sex with her. She almost always worked with his mom on the weekends, so they did get to see each other sometimes...
“Hey Joanie, Josh here, I need an ETA on my mom, so I know if I need to save her dinner or set a plate.” His voice came out smoothly enough at least, which always made him feel better about himself. Maybe he could get a job in radio? No one really cared what your face looked like there. That or find a sport he liked and try and make a go that way. A long shot, but something to think about. Or he could just be a doctor or a lawyer himself. That didn't interest him, but the idea was one to think about. Both fields were well respected and really, they didn't seem that hard. Well, not once you learned them at least.
“One moment sweetie, I'll see if I can get a straight answer from her lawyerliness.” The voice was playful and warm. Then, that was just her too. She flirted with everyone as a rule, Josh had even heard her flirt with his mom once or twice. It was cute.
Josh waited.
And waited.
Five minutes later his mother's voice suddenly started talking to him.
“Hi honey. A case just came in, and I need to get down to the courthouse to file some papers before it closes. I... don't think I'll be in until late, I'll pick something up. Oh, in case I don't see you first, we have a date tomorrow night at one of the partner's houses. The senior partner Bill Banister, you've met, remember? Family is invited, and since you're all I have that means you. Dress nice? Maybe your gray suit, if that still fits, if not, a nice sweater and slacks or something?” She sounded rushed and was clearly walking while she spoke.
“I... do I have to go? I mean, I've barely even met any of your partners, so it's not like I'll know anyone there.” It wasn't a good argument and he knew it, but strangers made Josh feel a bit uncomfortable.
More than a bit.
His mom just laughed.
“Of course you do silly. This is one of those career building moments for me, and this one might even end up being important, so you get to show up and support me. It's in the implied familial contract. I know I have a copy of it around here somewhere...”
He got the joke at least. And the ruling, Josh would be going and sit in the room with a bunch of people he didn't know or it would make things between them... strained. Not that he'd be punished for it, but she'd look at him, hurt and frustrated, for weeks if he didn't.
Without warning, as she did about half the time they talked, his mother suddenly spoke rapidly.
“Ooops, I've got to go hon. Um, I'll be there at six tomorrow evening to pick you up? Be ready?” Then she just hung up.
Typical.
Grinning Josh fixed a bit of spaghetti and opened a jar of sauce. Then he ate alone. Again. Like most nights.
Chapter two
Red, Josh decided, reading the delicately hand written words carefully, was very confused about a lot of things. The person writing was worried, not because they thought they might be homosexual, but because now they'd developed feelings for their best friend's boyfriend too, not just her. So that told him that the writer was a girl. Most likely at least. Probably bi-sexual too, not gay. It could be a transgender thing, but he doubted that. He'd have noticed if one of the guys in class or the plays had liked dressing as a girl...
Unless he was really good at it. Then how would Josh know? Probably not though.
Everything seemed just a little skewed for poor Red though, as if no matter what she chose to do, a day later it would change. She'd dated her entries, which were in the first weeks of school. Every other day she thought she was gay or straight and liked someone else. It was almost funny. Until he saw his own name in print. There weren't a lot of names used, but Josh from drama class was him most likely, unless one of the other classes had another Josh.
He's... interesting. I think I'd like to get to know him better. Mysterious.
Maybe it was some other Josh he didn't know about? There was nothing particularly interesting about him. It was just that one line and then the writer forgot about him altogether. Or seemed to at least. Mainly she went on about being gay or straight or confused or just wanting to forget about the rules and collect up a small group of partners instead.
That was an intriguing idea.
Josh had never had even one girlfriend himself, unless Amanda French in the first grade who'd kissed him on the playground once as part of a dare, counted. He didn't think so. She'd turned around and kissed three other people in the next five minutes after all. It was his first lesson in people just leaving him.
Really though, you had to get, and learn to handle, one person before four didn't you? That whole walking before you run thing? At least if you were going to do it right.
The other thing about Red, whoever she was, she really liked her position on the cheerleading squad. As clues went it was a pretty big one. There were only seven of them after all. If he really was the Josh mentioned, then the only person it could be would be Sarah Teasdale. Amy's best friend.
He blinked.
Was this all really supposed to be anonymous? He hadn't even read three full pages before he got it. Red ink instead of black, but the first line was in crayon. Well... That was just...
Bizarre.
He kind of liked Sarah too. In that he had two classes with her and in English when they sat across from each other he could normally see her panties under her ultra-short skirts. He tried not to look directly, which seemed to have saved him from just being the creepy staring guy, and made him interesting instead. Unless he was just wrong. The most interesting thing about Sarah was how close she was to Amy. They were always together. It made Josh like the blond better, however that worked.
If what was written was correct, that just made sense. The girls being close.
A stab of jealousy took him then, just for a second. Ten seconds maybe. It hurt a bit. Not a physical pain, but enough to make him wonder if the world would be better with him just... gone? Not that he was suicidal. Not now. But...
Yeah.
Sometimes he still wondered. A few years back it had seemed a real option.
Was he really needed in the world at all? By anyone?
That the answer pretty much had to be no didn't make him feel better, so he decided to read more before going to bed. There were only about ten pages of red ink. On page four the whole thing started to turn though, suddenly, about two months before. When Amy broke up with Rick and started dating Anthony the next week.
Instead of her.
I can't tell her. She can't know how I really feel after last time, how I messed up, pretending it was all a game like I had... but I really love her. Even if I'm different. What do I do? I thought I was OK with everything, but... now I'm just not.
Josh hadn't even known there was a Rick. He felt another stab of jealousy, but at least that guy was out of the picture for now.
At the same time Sarah was asked out by the captain of the football team, and they started going out. Yep, that was Sarah then. No one else was currently going out with “Rick” the football team captain. The same guy just being passed around? This little coloring book club wasn't thrilling much him so far. He pretty much just felt jealous.
Josh finished reading the whole thing, but it didn't tell him a lot more. Red was confused and alternately thought she loved Amy, then Rick and didn't know which way to jump.
At least she had people that seemed to love her back, right? Not everyone she loved or was interested in maybe, but some of them. That was... a lot. Josh would have liked it if that were his world, having too many people to love that also loved him back instead of... No one.
“You.
.. are such a little girl.” He said to himself, laughing silently.
For all he knew the whole thing was just made up. All of the drama club had creative urges. If things weren't interesting enough in their own lives they might just make things up to seem more lively. That, he realized, was a good point. He couldn't really believe anything in the book in front of him at all. For all he knew it was just a gag. That or deadly serious. He'd have to be careful. After all, what would happen if he disregarded the ninja vampire threat at school, thinking it was a joke?
Probably something between those two things. It might just depend on whose entry he read or even which page.
Leaving it on the table, he picked up the small envelope and looking around to make sure no one was there, sniffed it. Girls put perfume on their notes sometimes if they liked you right? It was in all the books. Well all the books written before nineteen-forty. Either Amy didn't mean it that way or she hadn't read the same books. Given what was written, Josh had to figure it was just the first one.
If I hurt you, I'm sorry.
Not exactly some great declaration of love. Well, she had a life and didn't need him messing it up. Even Sarah had Rick and really, by the end of what she'd put down, that seemed to be doing pretty well. As well as any high school romance ever did.
He laughed out loud at that thought.
“Yep, because I'm the big expert on romance and relationships.”
It was funny.
In a soul crushing way. Well, better his soul, one that didn't matter all that much, than someone else.
The rest of the book could be read later. That and just a few homework assignments was all he had to do for the next nearly two weeks. There wasn't much on TV either, so he settled on watching some holiday specials, noticing that they seemed suspiciously Christmas themed for all that they kept trying to claim they weren't. Because after all, everyone knew that Jewish people loved their “Hanukkah bushes”. Well, at least the variety show he ended up watching last did have a menorah in the background. They even forced a fairly mundane rendition of the dradle song.
