by P. S. Power
“So far there isn't much to write home about in it, but I've only read two of the entries and they don't look finished. Then, I doubt there will be a lot of earth-shattering revelations in it, coming from a bunch of school kids. I can write about you and mom, so that will at least give me something interesting to say. Otherwise my sad love life and workout schedule would be all I had.”
Sitting forward she leaned toward him with a grin.
“You have a love life? Safe sex I hope? When do we get to meet her? Or him? Or them?” She looked serious enough so Josh didn't stick his tongue out at her.
“Hardly that advanced, more like... I like someone and they kind of know I'm alive, but that probably won't matter in the end. That kind of thing. Girl by the way. Amy, who gave me that card.” He pointed at the envelope and Joanie looked at it, nodding sagely as she did.
That started a conversation about the situation that lasted until Mercy came back out wearing a green pant suit and red scarf that looked both mildly festive and professional. Right, they needed to get back to the office.
“Ready?” She said, sounding a little tense again, and watching Josh for signs of a change of heart.
“Sure thing doll.” Joanie hopped up happily and as if being daring gave the other woman a hug.
They got all the way to the door before Mercy turned and called out to him.
“Remember, six tonight, right here, be ready? This is decently important to me.”
“Uhg? alright, but only under protest. Hanging out with a bunch of people from your work does not sound like a thrilling evening.”
“Well, it's not supposed to be thrilling, just a good place to make contacts, a lot of prominent people will be there. These things are always... different though. I think that families being invited is meant to help keep things from going too awry. Keep the lampshades off people's heads and the shirts and blouses mainly on, all that. We'll see.” Mercy moved smoothly out the door without saying goodbye. She didn't say that most of the time, she just left. It was a thing of hers.
That left him alone and up at eight in the morning with nothing much to do, but homework and maybe shopping later for Joanie. Sex toys... Josh shuddered a little bit. He was probably going to be scarred by that comment for years he realized. Still, if she was going to be around, it would be nice to have something good for her.
Nothing came to mind. For all they chatted about stuff, they didn't really talk about their lives overly. She was an adult, so he'd always figured it was just their age difference, but now Josh wondered if it was so that she didn't let him see just how much her life was intertwined with his mom's.
There was time for a run, which even for Vancouver meant bundling up early in the morning this time of year, and covered five miles easily, if going a little slow. Josh was decent at running, but didn't have hopes of ever being a champion at it. It got him out of the house at least. After his shower he dressed in plain jeans and a sweater. Just a big comfortable green one that didn't go with his skin tone at all and made him look slightly ill. No one else cared, so why should he? He'd change before the party and that would be good enough.
Not having anything else to do he turned on the radio, which still played his music and opened the notebook on the table again, this time to the next section. Yellow.
The blazing crayon color was barely visible, but in the main the thing had been written in pencil, the handwriting cribbed and tight in places, more loose and relaxed, sloppily so, in others. The first line explained it pretty well.
I do drugs. Just weed and alcohol, but enough of them that I know I shouldn't. I want to stop, but can't. Pot is easier to give up, but I still drink. No one knows. I'm afraid I'm an alcoholic. A real one, not just someone that drinks a little too much.
The printing was so hard to read in places that he couldn't make out the words, even when he went slowly. Finally he had to work out the words by rewriting them and working out one letter at a time. The story was dismal and much more anonymous than the others so far. It didn't give a single clue to gender for instance, just referring to “my significant other” instead of girlfriend or boyfriend. Not that those would have totally told him anything really, he realized. But it would have been most likely that the person was straight. Even in the drama club. Though it was a friendly enough place he could introduce his mom and her girlfriend without embarrassment or worry.
There were hints of abuse in their past, but it was just “abuse” not saying who did it or what that was. Too hard a spanking once or being raped by a relative every Saturday? Josh couldn't tell, which was probably the idea. It was messed up though, and if the person was being legit, that meant someone he potentially knew really needed help. They also made sure that no one could do anything for them. There was just nothing there to go on. It was sad.
Whoever it was Josh wished he could just reach out to them, but...
Yeah. That wasn't happening was it? Reaching out wasn't his best thing at the best of times, not as a rule. Glib he could manage in a pinch, or playful, but it was all superficial charm. He felt things, deeply even, it was just so darned hard to connect with people.
Green, at least, was easier to guess. Mainly because he just flat out signed it at the top. Not a mistake, not crossed out, just written in big bold letters.
I am Green. Marcus Berman, Marcus to my friends. I hope we can all be friends? Feel free to talk to me about anything.
Like the guy himself, the words were friendly and light hearted. Charming and connective. There weren't a lot of them, but it was good reading, a discussion of how much he liked all the people in drama, including Craig, who he assured everyone he wasn't out to get at all on a personal level, just the lead in the upcoming play. He also mentioned a few girls he found really attractive. Oddly neither Amy or Sarah were on his short list. They both made Josh's. The only girl they agreed on was Tammy Lincoln, who was a mellow blond that had an almost too pretty look that Josh always took to mean she was cold inside. She'd always been nice when they talked, but that didn't mean she liked him or anything. It was hard to tell with some people and she was pretty flat affected most of the time. Like she wore a mask all the time.
Amy had a little of that too, but most of the time she laughed and smiled with him.
Different people liked different things, but it was nice to know he didn't have to worry about Marcus grabbing Amy too. The guy was really good looking. Out of all of them he was the guy most likely to actually go into real acting, Josh figured. Looks counted.
He also asked Yellow to get in touch with him, if they felt comfortable with it. Since they might need help.
The whole thing left Josh feeling a little odd. Not because anything said was wrong, but... it was all about other people. It didn't share anything deep, the closest it got was really just a deflection, asking others to come to him for help. As if his personal life was perfect... He was always nice, but this felt like cheating somehow. Not really sharing.
Like he was hiding something.
At noon Josh decided to put off reading the other entries for a bit and get off to the mall to see if anything looked like a good present for Joanie. It meant catching a bus, which was less than fun, but doable. He just needed to make sure he got back in time for that thing with his mom later. The bus was crowded and as he normally did, Josh looked at the ground most of the time, or out the window, not wanting to engage with anyone. He really didn't know why that was. He liked people. It was just so hard with them at first. It wasn't even being shy exactly, was it? Maybe he was just bad at being a person? It wouldn't exactly be news to him if that was the case. Hadn't his whole life kind of showed that already?
At the mall, Westfield, which was the end of the line, everyone got off and a large group headed toward the big multi-story building. From a distance it would even look like they were together or something. They weren't of course.
In the main, Josh hated the place. It felt like oppression seeped out of it and infected him every tim
e he walked through the doors. So many people were there with others that it felt more than a little lonely for him too. Still, it was where the stuff was, and he needed to buy some to foist off on someone else, so that she'd know they were buds. While he was at it he decided to pick up something for Amy. Nothing big, he didn't want to scream “crazy infatuation” just, something like, “hey friend, we're good”. Of course it would be late for Christmas anyway, but that would just have to do, wouldn't it? It didn't really matter though, since she had a boyfriend already. Or, well, it did make a difference, Josh just didn't think that she'd really notice that it took him a while to get something for her.
That thing with the card kind of baffled him.
What was he supposed to make out of it, if anything? Had a bunch of people gotten cards from her and he just hadn't noticed? Possible, but... Well, if so he really hadn't noticed it happening. It might not have been anything special though.
Nothing looked right for either of them though, not in any store. The whole thing was just aggravating. Hugely so. Finally, after hours of searching and a hamburger from the food court, since he hadn't eaten yet, Josh headed home, the sky already getting dark. It was dismal. A dismal, dark, day. Present wise at least. The rest...
Well, really, he was good with his mom and Joanie. That was their business anyway. Who they dated, and while new and more than a little strange, not a big deal. It wasn't the nineteen-fifties after all. People slept with who they wanted now. Josh certainly didn't blame his mom for picking Joanie either. As to the other way around... he simply refused to consider the question. That would cause him to lose his mind, because... yeah, just not going there.
So not. Josh smiled to himself for a second about the not thought.
No the only thing that really concerned him now was that card from Amy and how to help Yellow. Whoever that was. It bugged him that he couldn't figure it out. Josh could almost always figure stuff out. Something about it had felt so familiar too. Then, he knew these people mainly, didn't he? There would be little clues all over the place if he could just see them. Things he'd seen and hadn't noticed because he lived in a little world that focused on himself and how lonely he was instead of other people.
God.
Was that true? Was he just some self-absorbed jerk walking around thinking that his little concerns were the most important thing in the world? It took a minute of honest evaluation but he realized he was. Gah.
As a rule Josh didn't even make eye contact with people on the bus afraid he might have to talk to someone, like it was a big deal to just speak to people? He looked up and around smiling suddenly, but no one spoke to him at all.
That almost got a nod. Josh saw himself clearly now and that the world wouldn't come to him. If he wanted to have friends or love or... anything of value, he needed to make an effort to at least try and find it. That didn't assure anything but...
The words his mother had said earlier came back. About telling Amy he liked her. Arg. That was hard, maybe impossible. Still, she was right. It would be better to hurt now and get it over with than to never know if anything could have been. Since that pretty much had to be the answer, rejection, it was easier to deal with. He knew the outcome already, Josh just had to grab the bandage and pull it off all in one go. When he saw her next, he'd pull her to the side, and explain that he'd gotten distant because he really liked her and she was seeing someone. Then she could pat him on the shoulder, tell him that she thought of him as a brother or didn't want to ruin their friendship and they could go on. Or not. At least she wouldn't worry that she'd done anything wrong then. Josh didn't want that. The problem was all his after all.
That decided he felt better for some reason. It wasn't a good solution, but it was something and gave him a partial answer. Then all he needed to do was find Yellow and see what, if anything, he could do there. It didn't get the shopping done, but maybe he could actually sleep that night. It would depend how the party went.
It was nearly five when he got back home, meaning he had time to eat again, just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on Italian bread, brush his teeth, shave for the second time that day, even though he definitely didn't need it and shower again just to be extra tidy. Then he climbed into his gray suit, which still fit well enough, though it might not in another year if he grew. Josh had silky black socks with gold toes to go with it and a black tie to go with the white shirt.
It was uncomfortable, but not hideously so, just strange. Pulling in the wrong places. Looking in the mirror he realized that he looked ridiculous, like a little kid playing dress-up and nearly went to change when the front door opened, so he walked out instead by force of habit, to see that his mother stood waiting. Mercy had already changed into a very nice emerald green dress and black shoes with some kind of wrap, one that should have looked old lady-ish but managed just to look pretty good. Not hot, but really, when Josh thought about it for a second, he was just fine with his mom going for merely looking nice instead of something sexier.
Looking at him she smiled.
“Ready? I half thought we'd have a fight about you going at all. You look great.” She looked down at his feet, which didn't have anything on them yet. He had some shined black shoes to go with the outfit, but hadn't slipped them on yet. He waved to his feet instead.
“It's my new look, socks with no shoes. All the kids are doing it. Kind of hard on the sock budget, but I don't want to look out of step with the current trends. Down that road lie social ruin after all. The feet do get a bit chilly when it rains, but what can I do? Fashion calls, right?” Josh was proud of the delivery, since it got his mother, who worked in the courts all day long, to blink.
“Really?” She said, sounding incredulous.
“No, not even kids are that dumb.” Josh grinned at her. “I just need to get my shoes on, won't take a minute. Is Joanie...” He stopped talking but only because he was focusing on tying his shoes without falling down, having slipped them on already as he explained his joking.
Mercy shook her head, then sighed.
“She's... worried that you still might have a problem with us... being together. I told her you wouldn't change your mind on something like that, but she's concerned with how easily you adapted. She decided to go alone.”
Josh shook his own head back at her and wondered what the new and improved, not overly introverted, Josh would do in a situation like this.
“Call her on your cell while I tie my shoes then, will you please? She's being silly and we need to deal with this now, rather than waiting. I want to talk to her.” He really didn't, conversations were hard, and he didn't even like phones, but if Josh didn't do it, then he wouldn't know if something like this could work, would he? If he chickened out on something like this now, with a situation almost certain to work out, what would he do when faced with Amy in less than two weeks, trying to tell her he loved her?
Since the idea made his stomach knot and heart pound a bit already he doubted it would be anything good. Pass out maybe? Throw up?
That would make him look suave, wouldn't it? No he had to make his stand now and not back down at all. Starting with Joanie.
Just as he stood up from tying his right shoe, the left done first, the ringing cell phone was placed in his hand as if a hot potato. It did get picked up rapidly though and by a real person, rather than voice mail.
“Hello, Mercy?” The voice said so fast he didn't have a chance to speak.
“Nope, the other Harding. So Joanie, if you don't want to be seen with me in public, I mean I get that, who would? Though I've been told this suit actually looks pretty good on me... Of course that was by my mom, so she might be biased. But seriously, claiming that it's because I might have a problem... That's just wrong and you know it. If you want to get all nervous now, that's fine, but don't go blaming me for it. I'm fine with you and mom being together.” It sounded glib, but he did that halfway well, so she chuckled back at him.
“OK, I... look I really love Mercy, I...
don't want to blow this. We kind of went from “hide everything” to “hey you want to move in” without passing the bratty teen intersection I was told to expect by everyone I've talked to for years.” Her voice was smooth, until she realized what she'd said.
“Crap...” She groaned.
“I'm not even going to ask what you really mean by that one... Not touching it...” He sounded good though, so he didn't let her talk. He hoped that was the right thing to do. “I mean fuck... well not something I know about personally yet, being shy and all that, but I get the general idea. Crap... that just sounds perverted. Is it some kind of internet fetish thing? If so remind me to put the safe search back on Google.”
“Sorry! Though, yeah, really, don't look that one up without safe search on.” She said brightly, chuckling a bit.
“Good, now, moving in? That's up to the two of you, but you know, I'm good with whatever you decide, OK? Just... I'm not switching schools until after I've humiliated myself with Amy enough. So if you want a new place you're both going to have to wait on that time schedule or buy inside the school district. Could be... weeks even before the whole picture of embarrassment and public scorn sets in.”
Mercy's eyes went wide. “Um...” She said as if not sure what they were talking about.
Josh waved at her a bit, smiling and ducking his head.
“OK, so we meet you there? But pack to stay the night over here? Unless you don't want to. That's fine, just don't use me as an excuse to ruin your life. I'm not standing in the way. Really I never was. You two were just being doofuses. There, I said it. Totally silly.”
“Alright, can I speak to Mercy please?”
He handed over the phone, whatever she said to his mom got laughter almost instantly.
