by Sarah Pawley
"As I said," the nurse told them. "The medication has an effect on the stomach. Too much water will do this. But the symptoms should ease with time."
It was meant to sound kind, nurturing. But all Grace could feel was resentment.
Evil witch. I wish she would get away from me.
Almost as if sensing the hostility coming from her patient, the nurse excused herself for a moment, and Grace was glad to see her go. She looked again at Jack, Alice, and Henry. At long last, she found the will to speak.
"What happened?"
Jack stepped forward. “You’ve been here for over a week. But you’re awake now, and the doctor says you’ll be fine.”
She looked at him, sensing that he was keeping something from her. She asked her question again.
“What happened?”
They all looked from one to another, and she sensed with great frustration that they were all keeping something from her. The pain in her body and mind was so intense, it made her temper very short. "Don't try to fool me," she whimpered.
It was Alice who finally spoke up, in her soft and calm way. "You were shot, Gracie. By Charlie."
Shot? How can that be?
And yet the pain tearing through her body seemed to confirm it. With every breath she took, she felt the sharpness of her wounds. Then another kind of pain came to her, one of the mind and heart, as she remembered who had been with her in those last moments.
"What about Toby?"
There was a silence, and she saw how they all looked at each other. It was all she needed to hear. She closed her eyes, feeling a deep hollowness opening up inside her. But tears didn’t come. All she felt was numbness. Nothing seemed real, and reaching down at her side, she pinched a random piece of her own flesh to see if it hurt. The pain from it was real. And the gravity of everything fell together, hitting her like a slap to the face. She felt Jack reach up and brush his hand over her forehead, and it took everything in her not to knock his hand away. Part of her knew he wasn’t to blame, but she could barely control the tempest raging inside of her.
“Please leave me alone.”
They looked at her, seeming wounded. And it only made her angrier. And yet, she managed to hang on to a sense of kindness, if only by a tiny bit. She asked them again. “Please go away. I’m tired and I want to sleep.”
The nurse, who had stepped out for a moment, came back. “We need to check the bandages and tend to her other needs.”
Jack and Alice both kissed her on the forehead. “We’ll be back first thing in the morning.”
Good God, why? She wanted to ask. She didn’t want to see them. At that moment she didn’t want to see any of them, not even Henry, who stood at the foot of the bed, never saying a word. He hardly took his eyes from her the entire time, and when it came time to leave, he seemed reluctant to do so. But gradually he moved out, following Jack and Alice. And she was glad to be rid of them. But there was still the nurse, who soon had a companion to help her. Their cold hands forced her up, and she gasped in agony and fought back tears of pain. They were methodical in their work, removing the wrapping and cleaning the wound, then re-wrapping it and letting her lay back and rest. But the reprieve was only for a moment, for they came back to her with fresh water and sponges, cleaning her from head to toe. And finally they finished and let her be. Exhausted and hurting, inside and out, there was no need for the medicine they gave her, though she was forced to take it. Only moments later she was falling into darkness again, and into the blissful realm of knowing nothing.
* * * * *
For several days more, she drifted in and out of darkness. The medication kept her in a swirl of lost time, and she didn’t care to change it. But there were moments she couldn’t ignore, particularly when the doctor and nurses came to tend to her. She hated the three of them. All they did was cause her pain as her body was manipulated and her wounds were tended to, and it took all of her self-discipline not to strike them every time they touched her. After suffering at their hands, she longed for the potent medication that took her away. Only sleep seemed to be a way to find peace.
Flower arrangements were brought in for her and placed around the room, gifts from various friends and well wishers. Pete and others from the club came once with wishes for her recovery, as did various members from the church. Even Mike, the milkman, stopped by for a visit and a word of good will, and he left behind a little stuffed cow as a gift. She tried to be polite to all of her visitors.
But behind the little smiles she managed, she was tormented by darkness and guilt. Absorbed in her pain, and consumed by heartbroken thoughts of Charlie and Toby, she silently wished that she did not have any visitors there to hover over her. All she wanted was to be alone in her grief and suffering, but she knew they would never leave her side. So she found some comfort in the numbness of sleep, and though she hated the idea of being out of her own control, she let the oblivion of the medicine take her away from everything.
* * * * *
The sun came through the window and she blinked, and her brain protested the invasion of light. She wanted to get up and rush to the window to draw the curtains, but when she tried to move, the pain in her side screamed otherwise, and she gritted her teeth and groaned. Alone in the room with nothing but her pain and her thoughts, the feeling of sorrow began to return to her, deep and anguished. In sleep, at least there was some relief from the physical pain. But even there, she could not escape from the memory of Toby. He was there in her dreams, smiling in his wonderful way, so sweet as he had always been.
Had been, she thought. It made a lump form in her throat, and free from any witnesses, her eyes filled with great burning tears. Though she could not remember the inflection of her wounds, she could still recall how he had stepped in front of her, as if to shield her from harm. But how could he have known that he would make the greatest sacrifice? Good God, how it hurt to think to think that an innocent man, a good man, had given his life for her. If only it had been her, and not him. She had been prepared from an early age to go home to God, and if she had been able to choose, she would gladly have taken his place. But it was not to be, and she wept bitterly at the cruelty of it all. And that cruelty seemed to have seeped into her very bones. Even as she wept for Toby's loss, she mourned the loss of her freedom. The simple abilities of moving, of going where she wished, were both impossible in her current state, and she wished with all her heart that she could just disappear.
Footsteps came toward her room, and she fought for mastery of herself, not wanting anyone to see the misery that had overtaken her. It turned out to be only the nurse, who came to administer the morning medications and do routine examinations. The woman looked at her, and there was a light of concern in her eyes, but Grace turned her head away, and the nurse seemed to sense that she was not wanted. She gave the meds and did her physical checks, and left quietly. But Grace was not left to mourn for long. Before she could quite fully compose herself, Alice appeared in the doorway. She had raised her hand to knock, but paused when she looked in and saw Grace, who turned her head and tried not to look at her.
She came in, slowly, carrying a fresh bouquet of flowers and a teddy bear, which she placed on the dresser beside the bed. For a moment, she tried to sound cheerful as she came near.
"That brother of yours is something else," she said. "He almost refused to go back to work today. But I told him it wouldn't be fair to have his family starve, on top of having a sister in the hospital. He finally listened, as long as I promised to come and stay with you. It seemed like a fair bargain."
As she sat down beside the bed, Grace was sure that she would start spouting some words of wisdom and support. Wasn’t that what everyone tried to do when they came to see a sick person? And as much as she loved and adored her sister-in-law, the idea of hearing bouts of sentiment was enough to make her ill.
But she was surprised when Alice took her hand.
“Feel this,” she said, placing the hand on her abdomen. “It’s
like butterflies. I started feeling it yesterday.”
For a few blessed moments, she let herself think beyond her pain. The flutters she felt beneath her fingers made her forget, even if it was only for a little while. Alice's voice was calm, so soothing. It helped to hear talk of something normal, something of hope.
“As soon as we get you out of here, we’re going to start work on the nursery. You won’t mind helping with colors and things, would you?”
She shook her head, and even managed a little smile. She should have known Alice would know just what to say, how to act. How silly she felt thinking that Alice would have come with useless words and false hope. She knew the balm would not last...that once Alice left, the pain would all come back. But for the moment, she felt something like a sense of peace.
The nurse walked in, but this time instead of being there for patient care, she was carrying a vase of red roses.
“These just came for you Miss Grace. Aren’t they beautiful?” She put them down on the dresser, and after she left, Alice turned to look for a card, but didn’t find one.
“No card,” she said. “But I think I know who they’re from.”
Both of them knew the flowers were from Henry. Alice looked at her, the light in her eyes a little sad.
“You know, I think he’s blaming himself for what happened.”
Grace’s eyes widened a little. “Blaming himself? Why?” She suddenly recalled the times she’d been awake long enough to see those around her. And each time she'd looked, he had been there. Only, he had kept away from her bedside. He always remained at the back of the room, and at times, even confined himself to the hallway, where she'd seen him walking back and forth.
Alice shrugged. “I can’t say for sure. But I think he feels like he let you down. He didn’t get there in time to keep you from getting hurt, and he feels like it was his fault.”
She sighed, feeling a sudden welling of tears. “That’s just silly. It wasn’t his fault.” She knew she shouldn't feel so, but hearing of his sorrow only added to the burden in her heart. It seemed everyone was insistent on reminding her of how close she’d come to danger. She knew their intentions weren’t to harm or hurt. But every look of pity, every word of regret or condolence, made her feel like an animal on display in a zoo. She heaved a shuddering breath, desperate for a change of subject.
“When can I go home?”
A familiar voice answered from the hallway. “Just a few more days.”
They looked up, and there he was, watching them. Alice smiled in her special way.
“How long have you been eavesdropping, Henry Shaw? We were just having some girl talk.”
“I just stepped in,” he replied. “I only heard the part about going home. And I just talked to the doctor in passing. He said a few more days should be it.”
Grace sighed, relieved to hear she would soon be free. But now, the way Henry was watching her, she knew the time had come for them to be alone. To talk about what had happened, and how they felt. It was the last thing in the world she wanted. If there had been a way to keep from bending heartstrings, she would have gladly done it. But she saw in his eyes that he needed peace. There was a tempest in his look, and though she was tired of deep emotions and heartache, she couldn’t quell the need to comfort him. She looked at Alice, one woman to another, and neither had to speak to know what the other was saying.
“I think I’ll go,” Alice said. “Jack and I will come by after he gets off of work.” She leaned forward to kiss Grace’s forehead. Then she turned and left them alone, giving Henry a comforting touch of the arm as she went out.
For a few moments they looked at each other. Then he came quietly to her bedside, and she gave him a weak smile. In all honesty, she was so glad to see him, and happy to have him closer than he’d been in a long time. When he was at the bedside, he knelt down and wordlessly took her hand. But he did not look at her directly. His eyes were cast down, his mouth drawn in a grim frown. He glanced up at her for a tiny moment, and she saw his eyes shimmer. His mouth quivered slightly as he tried to remain composed. But in a moment more he put his head down next to her, and brought her hand close to his lips. "God, I'm so sorry," he said, and his voice trembled. "If I had been there, none of this would have happened."
She knew, without his saying so, that he needed her reassurance. He feared that she was broken somehow and couldn’t be fixed. That he was responsible, and that maybe she blamed him in some way. He’d promised to never let her be hurt, and yet there she was, lying injured and weak.
But how could he think she would drop blame on him? He’d done so much more for her, thought more of her, than almost anyone ever had before. She reached out a gentle hand to touch the crown of his head, running her fingers through his dark hair, and she spoke to him soothingly.
"Even knights in shining armor aren’t perfect.” She heard him give a tiny, half-hearted laugh. Still he did not raise his head, and for several moments she continued to caress his hair with her fingertips. Then at long last he lifted his eyes to hers, still holding her hand. He let out a trembling breath.
"So you forgive me?"
“There’s nothing to forgive,” she replied. “There was nothing anyone could have done. It was just one of those things.”
“But if I’d been there a little sooner…”
She lifted a finger to his lips, trying to smile, knowing that humor would sooth him so much more than sentiment. "Don't be so insecure. It doesn't suit you.”
His own expression warmed a little, and at last he managed something of a smile. He came forward, bringing his lips to hers. For a long moment they remained so, sharing the warmth and comfort of a kiss…until a pain seized her, making her wince. He pulled back, a shameful look on his face.
"I'm sorry. Are you all right?"
She spoke through clenched teeth. “I’ll be fine.”
"Should I call the nurse?" His voice was troubled.
"No, don't," she replied hastily, shaking her head. "They'll just force me to take those awful medications, and I'm tired of being out of my head." She sat back, lips pressed together for some moments, and breathing deeply, she at last felt the pain ease a little. Letting out a deep sigh, she turned and looked into his eyes.
"Henry, will you do something for me?"
He nodded. "You know I will. Just name it."
"There are two things, actually. First…” She paused, as if hesitating. Then she found her voice again. "I want you to bring my folks here for me.”
He looked at her with a baffled expression, and she knew that her request seemed outrageous. To have to ask for her parents, rather than knowing they would come on their own. She knew an explanation was due. "I want to see them, but I know a phone call or a letter won't make them leave that blessed hill, even for something like this."
"And even knowing that, you want them here?"
She shook her head, and it made him shake his in amazement.
"You're certainly a better soul than me."
“I wish it was a noble cause, but no. It’s not.”
“Why bring them now?”
She sighed, a sad sound. “I just want to know what will happen. If they’ll come and see me, even if I ask for them. It sounds stupid, but I want to know. And if they can’t love me enough to do that, maybe they can make peace with Jack, at least for the baby’s sake.”
He frowned, shaking his head. “I don’t like it. I don’t like the idea that they can hurt you again.”
“Don’t fret for me, no matter what happens. I’m much tougher than I look.”
He cracked a little smile. "I know that for a fact.” He leaned forward to place a soft kiss on her temple. "So what is the other request?"
"I want you to take Charlie home.”
He leaned back, looking at her with stunned eyes. "What?"
"I want him to be taken home where he belongs. I doubt if anybody’s even told his family what happened. His Aunt and Uncle are his only kin, and when they fi
nd out he’s dead, I don't want that poor old couple to have to come all the way here. Charlie’s remains should be taken to them, not sitting here in some cold storage place.”
Henry looked at her with something like wonder. "After all of this, you still find it in your heart to be kind to him?"
She nodded slightly. "He was not a monster," she said. “He was a poor soul who lived a wretched life. It's only right that he be sent home to rest in peace."
He sighed, smiling at her. "I'll go first thing in the morning." He leaned forward, kissing her head again. "But before I think any about that, is there something else I can do? Something to make you more comfortable?"
She had her answer right at hand. "Can you take me outside? I find it hard to breathe in this place, with these walls closing in and only one little window, which I can't even see out of from here."
He nodded, giving her hand an affectionate squeeze. He left the room for a moment, returning quickly with a wheelchair, and he lifted her gently from the bed and placed her in it.
Once outside, they found a quiet place in the little park next to the building. It was shaded with thick trees, and birds flocked on the ground, unafraid of any human presence. All was still and quiet, until she remarked with some sadness and a little sigh, "Sometimes I miss Virginia."
"Do you?" he asked. "Haven't you been happy here?"
She nodded. "I’ve been very happy. It's just that I miss the wildness of it. When I was unhappy, I could wander far away into the hills and never see another soul. Sometimes it felt like the only beings in the world were me and God. I wish I could be there now. All alone." She lowered her head, not wanting him to see the sadness in her eyes. "That's the only place I want to be right now."
She didn't say all that was in her heart...that she wanted to hide from the world, and everything in it. Even him. The shooting had finally convinced her of a simple fact.
