They watched Jimmy grab the waitress around the hip as he snatched someone else’s drink from the platter. Then he mumbled into the woman’s ear; it was probably some kind of obscene proposal judging by her facial expression.
“Yeah,” Vinnie said. “Good riddance.”
Then they moved as far away from Jimmy as they could. Who knew what the clown would do if he got any drunker.
When Don Bozo saw Vinnie, he had a large smile on his fat clown face. It was as if somebody had told him he was becoming a grandfather or something. Vinnie had never seen the big guy in such a merry mood. When he reached them, he went straight for Vinnie’s wife.
“Samantha, how have you been, doll?” The boss hugged her against his belly and kissed her on the cheek.
“I’m doing great, Mr. Bozo,” she said with a nervous smile. “It’s a lovely party.”
“Mr. Bozo?” the boss chuckled. “Please, we’re family. No formalities.”
She just nodded and smiled.
“Mind if I borrow your husband for a moment?” he asked Samantha.
“Sure,” she said. Then she turned to Vinnie and kissed his neck. “I’ll be at the bar.”
When Vinnie was alone with the boss, they embraced each other.
“You did a good job with my boy,” Bozo said. “I can’t believe how far he’s come in such a short time. I thought he’d never grow up.”
They looked at Jimmy stumbling over himself on the other side of the party. Bozo clearly wondered if he’d spoken too soon.
“He still has a long way to go,” Vinnie said. “But the extra responsibility will be good for him.”
“Not a lot of people were in favor of promoting him so young. Thanks for helping with that.”
“He’s become a hard worker and surprisingly reliable when it counts. The main thing I’m still worried about is that temper of his. And the fact that he gets out of control when he drinks.”
Don Bozo nodded. “I know. That’s why I want you to still be responsible for him.”
“How so?” Vinnie asked.
“I’m promoting you again,” Bozo said.
“What do you mean? I’m already capo. Are you making me your underboss? Is your brother retiring or something?”
“No,” Bozo said. “I’m making you street boss.”
“The Bozo Family’s never had a street boss before.”
“Well, there’s a first for everything. You’ll be the top capo, the third in command. That doesn’t mean you’ll have extra responsibilities. It just means you outrank the other captains. It means Jimmy still has to listen to you.”
Vinnie was happy to be promoted, but he’d thought he was finally done with taking care of that unruly clown.
“You don’t have to order Jimmy around or involve yourself with his affairs,” Bozo continued. “Just give him advice from time to time. And put him in his place when he needs to be put in his place. Capisce?”
“Okay,” Vinnie said, nodding. “I’ll keep him out of trouble.”
“Good boy,” Bozo said, patting him on the back. “Now go have a good time. It’s a party.”
Vinnie made his rounds and then met back up with Samantha. She was with the other clown wives, standing in the back of the group, faux-smiling at their jokes. She looked over at Vinnie with a please-get-me-out-of-here face.
“Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow?” Vinnie asked his wife with a wink.
She looked down at her watch. “Oh yeah! I completely forgot. I need to get some sleep.”
She was a terrible actress, but the other wives didn’t seem to care.
“Here,” Vinnie said, holding out his keys. “Why don’t you take the car? I’ll get a ride home with Spotty later.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “I can take a cab?”
Taffy, the boss’s bitchy niece, rolled her eyes as she heard Sam’s phony performance.
“Yeah, it’ll be fine.”
Jimmy Bozo burst between them holding up a pair of keys. “Take my car.”
“What?” Samantha said, stepping away from the slobbering drunk.
“The boss won’t let me drive home in my condition, so I’m staying here tonight,” Jimmy said. “Just take my car.”
Sam shook her head. “No, thank you. It’ll be okay.”
“I insist,” Jimmy said, pulling the woman through the crowd.
Vinnie followed. He didn’t like the way the clown was getting so touchy-feely with his wife.
“I’ll escort you out,” Jimmy said, wrapping his arm around her waist.
Outside, Jimmy gave Samantha his keys and kissed her on the neck. Vinnie pulled him away.
“That’s enough, Jimmy,” he told the man, holding him by the arm.
Samantha walked away from the boss’s son as fast as she could. She unlocked the door of the clown car and hopped inside.
“I’ll call you when I get home,” she told her husband from the car window. “Try not to be out too late.”
“You know me,” Vinnie said.
As Vinnie turned away to head back to the party, Samantha put the key in the ignition and turned it, but the engine wouldn’t start. It made a strange grinding sound. She tried it again.
“Get out of there!” Jimmy cried.
Vinnie looked at the clown prince, wondering why he was racing for his wife at top speed. Then he saw the look of panic on Samantha’s face. Something was wrong.
“It’s a bomb!” Jimmy yelled.
Vinnie Blue Nose knew there were a lot of people in the Bozo Family who were against Jimmy’s promotion, but he had no idea they’d actually try to stop it by planting a bomb in his car.
Time slowed almost to a stop. There was nothing Vinnie could do but watch. His eyes met his wife’s. He read her lips as she mouthed the words I love you. Vinnie realized that was the end. He’d lost his wife. He got the love of his life killed because he insisted on taking her to a Bozo Family party, which she didn’t even want to attend.
But before the bomb went off, Jimmy Bozo pulled Samantha out of the car and threw her to the ground, dropping himself on top of her to protect her from the blast. The explosion could be seen down the street and Jimmy had to be rushed to the hospital with third-degree burns on his back.
But Samantha walked away unharmed. That asshole brat of a clown saved her life.
Nobody ever found out who exactly put the bomb in Jimmy’s car, but most suspected it to be the underboss—Jimmy’s own uncle. There was no way to prove it, though. The boss had a sit-down with his top men, made a few threats, and there was never another attempt on his son’s life.
After that night, Vinnie had a newfound respect for the clown prince. The prick hated Vinnie and he hated humans, yet he put his own life at risk to save Vinnie’s human wife. Maybe it was just because he was drunk, but Vinnie saw a side to Little Bozo that not many had ever seen before. There was actual heart buried in that clown’s rotten white flesh. And Vinnie would never forget what he did for him. If he’d lost Samantha that night, Vinnie wouldn’t have been able to live with himself.
Chapter 51
When Jimmy Bozo woke in Earl Berryman’s bedroom, he saw Vinnie looking down at him.
“You stupid son of a bitch,” Vinnie said.
“What?” Jimmy said. Then he winced at the pain that shot through his body when he spoke.
“Do you know how much trouble I’d be in if you got yourself killed?”
“Hey, fuck you, Blue Nose. I almost died back there.”
Vinnie stared him in the eyes. Jimmy stared back. Then they laughed.
“I can’t believe we actually got through that one,” Vinnie said.
Jimmy chuckled. “I know, right? When we were in that basement with The Butcher, I thought we were toast. Did you ever send help for that legless guy we left behind? What was his name again?”
“Bobo,” Vinnie said. “Yeah, I called it in. Hopefully, he’ll be all right.”
They looked down for a moment. They bo
th knew that there was no way Bobo was going to be all right.
“You really need to be careful from now on,” Vinnie said. “The Juggler Brothers still want you dead. I might not be around to help you next time.”
Jimmy shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. I can take care of myself.”
“Even when your father finds out about this?”
Jimmy chuckled at the comment, but Vinnie wasn’t laughing.
“I’m serious,” Vinnie said. “You started a war by killing Pierre Beaumont. It’s coming no matter what we do and it’s going to end messy. Your father’s not going to be happy about it.”
Jimmy stopped smiling and nodded in agreement. “We’ll get through it. The Bozo Family always comes out on top.”
“Only when we use our heads,” Vinnie said. “And if you want to live to become boss of this family someday, you’re going to have to start using yours.”
Jimmy didn’t have a response. He knew the blue-nosed clown had a point, but he hated when Vinnie was right.
“Damn you, Blue Nose,” Jimmy said. “Why do you always have to act like you’re so much smarter than everyone all the time?”
Vinnie replied, “Who said I’m acting?”
Then he pulled out a deck of cards from his suit pocket and passed them to Jimmy. The clown prince was going to need something to do while he was recovering, and exercising that lazy side of his brain was probably just the thing he needed. In the clowning business, without a good head on your shoulders, you needed to be lucky or you’d be a dead man. And luck in this town lasted only about as long as a scoop of rainbow sherbet on a summer afternoon.
Part Three
A Sad Day for a Happy Clown
Chapter 52
They called him Pinky Smiles because the kid always had a smile on his face. And it wasn’t no creepy maniac clown smile neither. It was a pleasant smile. A genuine smile. An I’m-having-a-good-day-and-don’t-give-a-crap-who-knows-it kind of smile. Pinky, you see, was always in a good mood. Nothing could bring down this clown’s spirits, not even on what would soon become the worst day of his candy-sucking life.
“Today’s the day,” Pinky told Captain Spotty.
A bright cheery grin beamed off his face as they shoved the thrashing Scottish clown into the back of their car.
“Oh yeah?” Spotty asked, slamming the trunk down on the Scotsman’s legs.
Pinky squinted at the morning sun breaking on the horizon.
“Today’s the day I’m going to ask her to marry me.”
The Scottish clown’s pink-and-blue kilt was pulled up to his waist, revealing a pair of yellow polka-dot boxers as he kicked his legs.
He cried, “Come on, Spotty. You don’t have to do this. Give me another week!”
But the clownfella didn’t acknowledge a single word he said.
“Good for you, kid.” Spotty slid an oversized row of brass knuckles onto his red-gloved hand. “I’m happy for you.”
Then Spotty punched the Scotsman in the face until two teeth were knocked loose and the clown’s kilt was sprinkled with blood.
Pinky Smiles closed the trunk all the way. “See, I’ve got the ring with me right here.” He pulled out a white ring containing a rainbow-colored gem the size of a jawbreaker. “It’ll take me all year to pay off the debt for a rock this big, but you know Taffy. She wouldn’t go for anything smaller.”
Captain Spotty held the ring to the sunlight. “Holy smokes, kid. You really went all-out. It’s not even a fake.”
“She’s worth it.”
Nicky Bowtie poked his head out of the driver’s-side window. “Are we going or what? We’ve got witnesses over here.”
Pinky and Spotty looked away from the ring and saw a crowd of spectators forming on the sidewalk near the car. Two old lady clowns who were out walking their perfectly manicured pink poodles pointed at the thumping and whining sounds coming out of the trunk. Spotty wiped the blood from the back of his car, pretending as if nothing were out of the ordinary.
“Let’s go, kid,” Spotty said.
As they got into the car, Nick pointed at the elderly clowns and said, “You didn’t see nothing.”
Then he sped away.
Chapter 53
“I’ve got it all planned out,” Pinky said, raising his voice so he could be heard over all the thumping and honking coming from the trunk. “We’re having dinner at Boffo’s tonight. Once they bring out the dessert, the ring will be right in the middle of her slice of strawberry trufflecake.”
“You’re such an idiot, Pink,” Nick said. “Even if Taffy says yes, which I highly doubt, Uncle Jojo’s going to call it off the second he hears about it. She’s his only daughter. There’s no way he’d ever let her marry a two-bit half clown like you.”
“He’s got a point there, kid,” Spotty said. “The underboss is really protective of his daughter. It’s going to be tough convincing him.”
Nick slammed on the brakes when he got to a red light, causing their guest in the trunk to roll over and smack his head. “If I were you, I’d get far away from Taffy Bozo before you find yourself with a contract on your head.”
“You don’t think Uncle Jojo would really go as far as that, do you?” Pinky asked.
“Are you kidding?” Nick said, straightening his massive bow tie in the mirror. “You’re lucky you’re still alive as it is. The last guy Taffy was in a serious relationship with ended up in the hospital with both his legs broken.”
“That’s different,” Spotty said. “That guy wasn’t a member of our family. He was just some junkie loser who used the underboss’s daughter as a punching bag.”
“Still, though,” Nick said. “The kid’s walking a dangerous line.”
“Unless Jojo approves of Pinky.”
“Yeah.” Nick snickered. “Like that’s ever going to happen.”
Spotty looked back at Pinky and shook his head. “Are you kidding me? Jojo couldn’t ask for a better son-in-law. And Taffy couldn’t ask for a better husband.”
“And why’s that?” Nick asked.
“He’s respectful,” Spotty said. “He treats Taffy like the princess she is.”
“Princess?” Nick chuckled. “That’s a nice way to describe that spoiled little bitch.”
“Hey, she’s royalty,” Spotty said. “You don’t talk about her that way.”
“She’s worse than her cousin, Jimmy Bozo.” Nick glanced back at Pinky. “How can you even put up with her?”
Pinky paused for a minute. He wanted to describe all the ways he loved Taffy. It wasn’t just how beautiful she was—a perfect clown body with big glowing blue eyes and a tiny round purple nose—or the way she styled her long pink hair up into a globe of curls, or even her cute high-pitched squeaky voice that made her sound like a cartoon baby bunny. It was the way she made him feel whenever they were together. She had a secret smile just for him. She had a look that she gave him when nobody else was around. She made him feel special because he was the only thing in the world that was good enough to make her happy.
He finally said, “Because she’s perfect. She’s my flower.”
Nicky Bowtie burst into laughter. “Yeah, a poisonous flower with thorns the size of switchblades.”
Chapter 54
They fitted the Scotsman with a pair of concrete clown shoes, then carried him down the pier.
“Come on, Spotty,” the Scottish clown cried. “Just call my brother. He can get you the money. It’s only fifty large. He makes that in a week.”
Spotty didn’t have an ounce of sympathy in his voice. “This isn’t just about the money you owe, McClanky.”
“What do you mean? What else could this be about if it’s not the money?”
“You insulted Don Bozo.”
“What? When?”
“At the last poker game,” Spotty said. “You know, the one you weren’t supposed to be at because you were already fifty large in the hole? You said he was fat and that his jokes aren’t funny.”
�
��That!” McClanky cried. “That’s all?”
“Don Bozo’s a very sensitive clown. Your words hurt his feelings.”
“Are you freaking kidding me?”
“You also embarrassed him in front of his friends. A clown who isn’t funny isn’t much of a clown at all. And you know how it is, if he lets the insult go it’ll make him look weak.”
“I was just messing around,” McClanky cried. “Everyone knows Don Bozo’s jokes are funny. It’s my jokes that aren’t funny. Come on, you can’t whack me just for telling a bad joke.”
Spotty looked over at Pinky. “Is the cement dry yet?”
Pinky leaned down and poked at the long shoes made of concrete. They were twice the width and three times the height of normal clown shoes, and heavy enough to sink an elephant. The cement was still a little wet to the touch, but solid. “It’ll do.”
“Help me lift him up,” Spotty said.
Pinky grabbed the Scottish clown by his other leg, and they lifted him into the air. The guy weighed a ton.
“Come on, guys! You can’t do this!”
McClanky continued to beg and cry when they tossed him over the side, but the Bozos had no pity for a guy who insulted their boss. They waited for the sound of a splash to quiet his screams, but for some reason it didn’t come. The Scottish clown was still screaming and pleading for his life, as if hovering in midair.
“What happened?” Pinky asked.
“I didn’t hear a splash,” Nick said, standing behind them while straightening his bow tie.
Spotty and Pinky looked over the edge to see McClanky hanging onto the support beam, clutching it with dear life.
“That’s never happened before…,” Pinky said with a smile, completely amused by the situation.
Spotty let out a frustrated sigh. “We don’t have time for this.” He looked over at Nick. “Go down there and pry him loose.”
“What are you talking about?” Nick asked. “How the heck am I supposed to get down there?”
“Jump in the water and pull him off.”
“But then I’ll get my suit wet…”
“Then take it off,” Spotty said.
ClownFellas Page 14
