“I’ve committed the sin of gluttony at least thirteen times,” said Al Butterscotch.
The clowns in the front row laughed and pointed at him, slapping their knees through baggy checkered pants.
“I stole two hams from my work and blamed it on the waitress,” Al continued. “She was fired for it. I also ate twelve candy bars while waiting in line at the grocery, before even paying for them. And yesterday I ate pizza from the garbage.”
The clowns’ laughter became an uproar as they listened to the confessor. They clapped their hands and dropped to the floor, giggling wildly.
“I can’t help it,” Al said, his red cheeks covered in tears. “I have an eating disorder.”
One major difference between a clown church and a normal church was that in a clown church parishioners had to confess their sins in front of a public audience where they were humiliated for all the bad things they had done. Clowns from all over would attend the confessions and laugh at the sinners as they revealed all their deep, dirty secrets—all of which was encouraged as a part of the forgiving process in the clown faith.
When the crying clown finished confessing and the uproar of laughter settled, Reverend Jellybottom stepped forward. “Do you seek absolution from these sins, Brother Butterscotch?”
The clown nodded.
“Then accept of the sacramental pie.” Reverend Jellybottom took a cream pie from a pedestal and threw it into the clown’s face.
The pie tin fell to the floor, revealing Al Butterscotch’s face coated in a thick layer of whipping cream. The preacher then squeezed the plastic flower on his cassock, spurting holy water all over the parishioner and washing away the pie cream. “And be blessed, Brother.”
While Reverend Jellybottom was busy with the confessional, Pinky Smiles crept around the side walls to get to the office. A new sinner announced his moral offenses to the audience. As the clowns screamed with amusement, Pinky picked the lock and slipped inside.
The computer was password-protected, but Pinky was lucky the church also kept a paper record of everything. He went through the address book and found Rizzo’s information. Pinky was surprised to learn that he lived in the Ringmaster Luxury Apartments, just a few floors below Taffy Bozo. No wonder she was able to cheat on Pinky without him finding out about it.
As he copied down the address, Pinky realized large sums of money had been donated to the church in Hats’s name over the years. The obnoxious clownfella wasn’t the selfish bastard he made himself out to be. Pinky didn’t understand.
“Who in the world are you, Rizzo?”
He wondered if Hats only pretended to be an asshole. Perhaps he was really an undercover fed trying to get information on the Bozo Family. If that were true Pinky had to get this information to the others. After so many years as a made clown, Hats probably had enough on the Bozos to take down the whole administration.
On the way out of the church, Reverend Jellybottom spotted Pinky trying to slip away.
“Brother Smiles?” Jellybottom said. “That’s you, isn’t it?”
Pinky paused. He was surprised Jellybottom even knew who he was. The whole congregation was watching him.
“I was expecting you to pay the church a visit today,” said the preacher. “Word has gotten to me that you don’t have long on this earth. Come forward. After living a life such as yours, you must have much to confess.”
Pinky didn’t have time to participate in the confessional. If this were the final hour, he might have submitted. But he wasn’t out of hope yet.
“Maybe later,” Pinky said.
Reverend Jellybottom’s face transformed into a giant toothy smile stretching from ear to ear.
“We’ll be waiting for you,” he said.
Then he called up a new sinner for humiliating.
Chapter 67
When Pinky arrived at Hats Rizzo’s apartment, he heard movement through the door. Hats was definitely there. And from what he knew about Hats, the guy wasn’t going to be easy to subdue. Pinky had to get the drop on him.
Armed with only a small revolver he pulled from his ankle holster, Pinky rested against the door and took a few deep breaths. The gun was loaded with flower seeds—a type of bullet that caused flowers to instantly grow from the wounds they inflicted. Not only did the roots cause extra damage when the flowers grew from the target’s flesh, they also left behind pretty corpses after a gunfight. Pinky preferred using this type of ammunition because he felt that it was respectful to leave flowers with those he was forced to murder.
Pinky burst through the door into a tornado of activity. Hats was running through the room, digging through drawers, emptying cabinets, ripping open closet doors. He tossed everything he could grab into a tiny suitcase: clothes, guns, toy trains, blow-up dolls, rubber duckies, ropes of sausage, stacks of money, and a wide variety of hats in all different sizes and colors. He didn’t seem to notice Pinky stepping into the room, too busy shoving his weight on top of the suitcase to force it closed even with all the items hanging over the sides.
“Don’t move, Hats,” Pinky said, pointing his gun at the clown.
Hats looked up at him for a second, then went back to packing. He gave up on trying to close the suitcase and started tying the lids together with string.
“Help me tie this down,” Hats said.
Pinky didn’t answer the request. He’d heard that Hats was quite the clever weasel. He couldn’t lower his guard around him. Pinky opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He realized his gun hand was trembling.
“If you’re not going to help me then get lost,” Hats said.
Hats stood up and could barely lift the suitcase off the floor.
“Why’d you do it?” Pinky finally asked.
Hats gave him a grumpy sneer. “Why’d I do what?”
He didn’t even acknowledge the gun in Pinky’s hand. It might as well have been a banana.
“Why’d you flip?” Pinky asked.
Hats looked at him as if he were crazy. “Me? Flip? What the hell are you talking about?”
“You’re a rat.”
“I’m no rat. You’re the rat.”
“It was a mistake. They put a hit on my head because they mistook me for you.”
“Are you messing with me? Why’d anyone take me for a stinking rat? I’ve given everything to this family.”
Pinky tightened his grip on the revolver. “Beano Moretti is the one who hired Mr. Pogo to take me out. He said that the clown who is sleeping with Taffy Bozo has been working for the feds. That’s why he thought it was me. But I’m not the only guy sleeping with Taffy, am I? You’re the rat he should’ve targeted.”
Hats looked away from Pinky and mumbled, “That son of a bitch…”
Pinky couldn’t tell what he was on about.
“I’m a made clown,” Hats said. “That prick can’t do this to me. I’m supposed to be untouchable.”
Hats broke open his suitcase. Clothes and money exploded across the carpet as he dug out a sawed-off gumball shotgun.
“Put a hit out on an innocent clown, would ya?” Hats loaded the shotgun. “That prick doesn’t know who he’s messing with.”
“What are you talking about?” Pinky asked, his finger twitching on the trigger as the clown pumped the shotgun.
Hats looked at him. Then he went to his dining room table and grabbed a playing card. “I got it earlier today, not long after you got yours.”
When Pinky saw him hold up the black joker, he lowered his weapon.
“We’re in the same boat, kid,” Hats said. “They sent Mr. Pogo after the both of us.”
Chapter 68
Hats poured himself a glass of whiskey and sat down on his mustard-stained couch. He poured Pinky one as well, but it was only half the size.
“Beano, that miserable prick…,” Hats said, shaking his head. “This isn’t the way things are supposed to be done. If a made guy like me is suspected of being a rat, you make damn sure he’s a rat before you
try to whack him.”
“Why would he do it this way then?” Pinky asked, sitting down on the cleanest section of couch he could find.
“He must not be taking any chances. He must have put out a hit on every poor schmuck who’s ever boinked Taffy Bozo.”
“So there’s others?” Pinky said, looking away. He didn’t want to think of how many other people she’d cheated on him with.
“There’s got to be.” Hats drained half his glass down his throat, then rubbed his bald hatless head.
“If neither of us is the rat, then who is?” Pinky said.
“Who the heck knows. With a girl like Taffy, it could be anybody.”
“We’ve got to find out who,” Pinky said. “If we can prove our innocence then they’ll call off the hits.”
Hats laughed out loud. “Yeah, good luck with that, kid. There’s probably dozens of guys in Little Bigtop she’s been with. Any of them could be the rat. And how the hell are you going to even prove they’re working with the cops? They’re not just going to tell you. Go ahead and try if you want, but if you ask me it’s just a big waste of time. Me, I’m going to use my final moments drinking myself stupid. And if there’s time I’m going to go find Beano Moretti and blow those stupid elephant-sized ears off his head.”
Pinky stood up and tore Hats’s drink out of his hand before it could reach his mouth.
“Hey, what’s the big idea?” Hats cried.
“We can’t give up now,” Pinky said. “Not when there’s still a chance.”
“What chance? A chance is exactly what we don’t have.”
Pinky put the drinks too far away for Hats to reach. “We know the real rat was sleeping with Taffy. All we have to do is talk to her about who that could be. I’m sure we’ll be able to narrow it down. How many clowns could Taffy possibly have slept with?”
Hats paused and stared at Pinky. Then he burst into laughter.
Chapter 69
“I’ve never slept with anyone but you two!” Taffy cried shortly after Hats and Pinky arrived at her apartment demanding information regarding her promiscuities. “What kind of girl do you think I am?”
Hats stood behind Pinky’s back, snickering.
“Please, Taffy,” Pinky asked. “If you ever cared about me in any way, you have to tell me the truth. If you’ve been with anybody else I have to know.”
“But I haven’t!” she cried. “Do you think I’m some floozy or something?”
Taffy was dressed in a puffy mini skirt and a low-cut half shirt that revealed her white cleavage and butterfly tattoo next to her belly button. She was on her way out to a nightclub when they caught her. One minute later and they probably would never have gotten to question her.
“Of course not,” Pinky said.
Hats laughed even louder.
“Shut up, Hats!” she cried.
Pinky blocked Hats from her view. “They say the rat is a member of the Bozo Family and he’s somebody who’s been sleeping with you.”
“Who the heck is saying that?” she cried. “Is somebody spying on me? What kind of pervert would be keeping track of my sex life?”
“I don’t know.” Pinky shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”
“Forget about that for now.” Pinky tried to speak in a calming tone. “Look, we need your help. Hats isn’t a rat. I’m not a rat. It’s got to be somebody else you’ve been with.”
“Who says it’s not one of you? For all I know, you both could be rats.”
“It’s not us, Taffy. You’ve got to believe me.” He stepped closer and took her hand in his, then looked her in the eyes. “You know me. I’m loyal to the Bozos. I’d give my life for this family. Please, help me figure out who’s the real rat so we can prove our innocence.”
There was a glimmer in Taffy’s eyes as Pinky looked at her. But only for a split second. When the glimmer faded, she jerked his hand away. “I told you. There’s no one else. I can’t believe you’d even think there was. I’ve always been faithful.”
Hats put his hand on Pinky’s shoulder. “Come on, kid. I told you this was a waste of time.”
Pinky sighed and lowered his head. He wondered if Hats was right.
“Oh, wait…,” Taffy said. “I guess there was that one guy, but he doesn’t count…”
Pinky’s eyes brightened. “What guy?”
“Yeah, what guy?” Hats said in a pissed-off tone.
Taffy backed up, getting flustered with the confrontation.
“I don’t remember his name. He was just some guy in the family. A low-level nobody. But I wasn’t really sleeping with him.”
“I thought you said you weren’t sleeping with anyone else, you lying bitch,” Hats cried.
Pinky had to hold him back.
“I wasn’t sleeping with anyone. Well, not exactly. I got in bed with this guy a couple times but I didn’t have an orgasm. It doesn’t count if I don’t have an orgasm.”
Hats looked like he was ready to strangle her. “How the hell does that not count?”
“You know how hard it is to get me off. Why do you think I cheated on Pinky with you in the first place?”
“Are you saying you just used me for sex?” Hats cried.
“You think I’d let you anywhere near me if you were some limp-ballooned loser?”
Pinky tried to break up the argument but couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Back at his place, Hats acted as if he didn’t care for Taffy at all, as if she were just some cheap slut. Now he was getting upset. Either he truly cared for the girl and didn’t realize it until now or he was just getting upset because she’d hurt his ego.
“I thought we had something special going on…” Hats turned away as his voice went soft.
Taffy snickered at him. “Yeah, right. I’d never choose you over Pinky. He’d be the perfect boyfriend if he wasn’t always so gentle in bed.”
Pinky turned to her. “I’m too gentle?”
She looked him in the eyes for a second and then glanced away. Then she shrugged and said, “Well, when we make love…it’s really sweet and all, but sometimes I want more. Sometimes I like it rough.”
“Oh…,” Pinky said.
He felt inadequate. He knew he should’ve been pissed that she cheated on him, but at that moment he figured it was all his fault. He just wasn’t good enough.
In the background, Hats was getting impatient. “So are you going to tell us about this guy you were fucking or not?”
Taffy shrugged. “Like I was saying, I don’t know his name. If he told me I wasn’t paying attention. I only ran into him at clubs when I was drunk.”
“Well, what did he look like?” Hats asked. “What color was his hair? What size were his feet?”
“I don’t know. He looked like an average clown,” she said.
Pinky said, “Think Taffy. Was there any distinguishing feature about him?”
“Not really,” she said. “Except for his clothes.”
“What about his clothes?”
“Well, he always wore this weird bow tie. He wouldn’t ever take it off, even when we were having sex.”
“Holy shit…,” Hats said.
Hats and Pinky looked at each other. In unison, they said “Nicky Bowtie!”
“Yeah,” Taffy said. “I think that’s what he called himself.”
Pinky couldn’t believe it. He’d been working with Nick for months. He couldn’t believe he’d been wearing a wire that whole time.
“Are you sure he’s the one?” Pinky asked. “He’s the only one you’ve slept with besides the two of us?”
“Yeah, I promise,” she said. “Just him.”
“That little shit,” Hats said.
“You know him?” Taffy asked.
“I just saw him today,” Pinky said. “He’s in Spotty’s crew with me.”
“I’m going to kill him.” Hats punched the wall. “I’m going to beat him to a pulp and then I’m going to kill him.
”
Then Hats turned and walked away, going down the hall toward the elevator.
“Where are you going?” Pinky called.
Hats didn’t bother turning around. “I’m going downstairs to my place to put on my best hats. We’re going after that son of a bitch.”
When they were alone together, Taffy and Pinky didn’t know what to say to each other for a few minutes. They didn’t make eye contact.
Taffy was the first to speak. “Look, I’m sorry I slept with Hats and that Bowtie clown.”
Pinky didn’t respond.
“Look, I don’t have a ring on my finger,” she said. “I don’t have to be faithful to you. If we’re not married, I’m free to do what I want to do with whoever I want.”
Pinky felt his pocket. He wanted to show her that he did plan to put a ring on her finger, that he planned to propose to her that very night. But as he felt his pants, he couldn’t find the ring. His eyes widened.
“Don’t get all upset about it,” she said when she saw his facial expression change. “I still loved you with all my heart…up until I found out you were a rat.”
Pinky had no idea what could have happened to the ring. He wondered if he lost it when he was shot at. The last time he’d had it was when he received the black joker card. Maybe his mother never gave it back to him when he showed it to her. No matter where it was, he wasn’t able to show it to her yet. He had to forget about proposing to her for the time being.
“So you still think I’m a rat?” Pinky asked.
“Of course I do,” she said.
“Why?”
“If my father says you’re a rat then you’re a rat. I won’t treat you as anything else until you can prove it to the family.”
Pinky nodded. He respected her decision.
“Then that’s what I’ll do,” Pinky said.
As he turned to follow after Hats, she yelled, “And until then you better stay the hell away from me. I don’t want to be around when Mr. Pogo comes for you.”
A smile crept up on Pinky’s face after she said that. No matter what she said or did, he couldn’t help but continue to be hopelessly in love with that woman.
ClownFellas Page 18
