by Chris Taylor
A cross-dresser since he was a child, it appeared to Ava that her patient sought therapy more as a way of conversing with someone about his predilection, rather than a need for help. He seemed to vacillate from hating the fact he enjoyed dressing in women’s clothing, to wondering why all men didn’t partake. Ava had come to the conclusion that he didn’t really want or need her advice. He might not have been entirely happy with the way he was, but he didn’t appear to want to make an effort to change things.
She didn’t usually see patients on the weekend, but the man had phoned in a panic and insisted he needed to see her. He’d arrived at her office looking a little more ruffled than usual. His color was high and his graying hair looked a little bedraggled. He’d then proceeded to regale her with the dramas of his home life.
Despite her best efforts to concentrate, her thoughts wandered to Lachlan. She wondered how his meeting with Kristy had gone and whether, even now, he was busy moving her back in. A shaft of pain went through Ava at the thought, but she had to brace herself against the possibility that the scenario could very well be real.
She made an unconscious sound of distress in the back of her throat and hastily covered her mouth in an effort to force it back in. Her patient stopped mid-sentence and stared at her curiously.
“Are you okay, Doctor Wolfe? You’ve gone a little pale.”
She nodded and forced a smile on her face. “I’m fine, Mr—”
“Nigel, please,” he insisted with a smile. “Call me Nigel. I think we know each other well enough for first names, now.”
“Yes, well, all right, Nigel. Please, continue. I’d really like to hear how it makes you feel when your wife is angry at you for wearing her clothes.”
The man’s eyes widened and then his shoulders slumped on a sigh. “Yes, well, now that you mention it, she does get really mad, but not because I’m wearing her clothes. Her dresses are way too small for me. It’s the fact I’m wearing clothes that she feels belong on a woman that gets her riled.”
“Does it make her mean and nasty, or is she sad and confused? You told me the last time we met she didn’t know you were a cross-dresser in the early days of your marriage. It must have been very difficult for her when she discovered your secret.”
“Yes, I guess so, but in the first few years after finding it out, she seemed to understand. At least, that’s what she told me. As long as I was discreet, didn’t tell another soul and didn’t go out in public dressed like that, she’d let it slide. And I followed all her rules. It was only after the kids were born that her attitude toward me and my…habit…changed.”
“In what way?” Ava asked, doing her best to appear interested and not at all convinced this warranted an urgent weekend appointment.
“Like you said, she started to get mean and nasty. Only a week ago, she accused me of not being a real man. She… She threatened to divorce me, to take the kids and leave. She told me she’d tell the kids I was dead. That I was better off to them dead than as the joke of a man that I am!”
He stared up at her with tears in his eyes, his large frame shaking with emotion. Her impatience to get the meeting over with dissolved and her heart clenched in sympathy. She wanted so much to help him, but she understood that deep down inside, he wouldn’t appreciate suggestions, that he didn’t really want to be helped.
“Have you tried not to dress up, like I told you the last time we were together? Have you tried to occupy yourself with other activities? Taking the kids to the park, or a picnic by the river?”
He shook his head helplessly, back and forth, his sobs coming loud and fast. “Yes… Nooo! I tried! I really did! I went three whole days without putting on a single scrap of women’s clothing. But it didn’t work! I got needier than ever! I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. My work began to suffer.
“You don’t understand, Doctor Wolfe! When I’m Nigella, the world recedes and I don’t feel any pain. Nigella doesn’t front up to the stress at work, dealing with whatever horror comes her way. Nigella lives for the sunshine. Nigella laughs all the time. I can’t give her up, Doctor! I just can’t!”
Comprehension and compassion flooded through Ava and all at once, she understood. Nigel used his cross-dressing as a means of escape, like others turned to illicit drugs or alcohol. She hurried to reassure him.
“It’s all right, Nigel. Nigella can stay. We’ll work something else out.”
He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled through his tears. “Thank you, Doctor! You don’t know how much comfort your words bring to my battered soul.”
Ava nodded sympathetically. Everyone dealt with life’s harsh blows differently. Who was she to say whether his outlet was right or wrong? As far as she knew, it wasn’t harming anyone.
“How’s your wife, now?” she asked. “Has she calmed down? You don’t really think she meant those things she said, do you?”
He shrugged. “Who knows? She’s been more and more snappy of late. It’s like nothing I do pleases her anymore. I wish I knew how to make her happy, but I don’t.”
“Do you think she’d consider seeing a therapist? It sounds like the two of you are in dire need of couple’s counseling.”
He shook his head. “No, she’s happy for me to go, but she doesn’t do this kind of thing.”
Ava accepted his comment. There were a lot of people who weren’t convinced about the benefits of therapy. It always saddened her to think about all the desperate people who could be supported and helped toward healing if only they’d let someone in.
She was relieved Lachlan had found the courage to seek her out…
Once again, Ava’s thoughts switched from her patient and returned to the man who haunted her dreams. She wondered if he’d call her later, after work. Or perhaps she could drive past a couple of the downtown bars and see if his vehicle was parked outside. She could saunter in and order herself a drink. If he noticed her and came over, she could pretend she hadn’t realized he was there. She could ask him about his meeting with Kristy and hope he gave her the truth. If he ignored her altogether, she’d have her answer…
Could she do it? Could she play some silly game in order to find out whether the man she’d fallen for had decided to return to his wife? A silent yes surged through her. She shook her head slightly in desperation. There was no denying it. She was as sad and hopeless as some of her patients.
* * *
Lachlan pulled into the driveway of Ava’s apartment block and switched off the ignition. A light shone from at least two of her windows and her car sat in its usual spot. Nerves bounced around in his gut, keeping his tension high. He wanted to go inside and tell her everything, beg her to let him try again… Still, not knowing what kind of reception he would get, held him back.
Coward. The word echoed from somewhere in the back of his head and he grimaced. He’d been a lot of things in his life, but a coward wasn’t one of them, despite what Ava had once said.
Even after being warned off by his boss, he was still prepared to contact the media and give them a tell-all exposé on the gutless dealings of IA and to hell with his career. The only thing that held him back was that Martin’s arrest hadn’t yet been made public and Lachlan refused to add to his partner’s burden. It had been bad enough having to stand by while his friend and colleague was led away in cuffs. He couldn’t imagine the horror that was going through Martin’s head, or the hell that was yet to come. He was only grateful that the IA assholes had given him bail. At least he could be with his family.
The time would come when Lachlan would stand in front of the cameras and tell the world just how it was. But not tonight. Tonight was his and Ava’s. Tonight he’d do everything he could to make amends with the woman he loved.
With that thought uppermost in his mind, he unclipped his seatbelt and climbed out of his car. Locking it behind him, he walked up the concrete path that led to her apartment. The night was quiet, with only the occasional passing vehicle breaking the silence. Even the insects were still. Wi
ping his dampened palms on his jeans, he drew in a deep breath, squared his shoulders and knocked on her door.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Dear Diary,
The darkness draws me ever nearer, just when I’d begun to find the light. It envelops me in its icy cloak, dank and musty and cold. It whispers to me of days gone by, when I was still a kid. The fun I used to have swimming in the river; playing soccer with my dad.
Those days of innocence are over and I can never go back. Even the love of my family is no longer enough. I’m no good for anything or anyone, but him. He knows me like no other. He knows who I really am… And I love him for it. It’s only a matter of time before the world knows our secret.
We all have secrets, but mine is worse than most. I hide my shame like I hide my secret, in the dark. I’ve tried to seek help. I’ve even tried counseling, but I don’t really want any help or want to change. Even my therapist knows it. I embrace the darkness inside me. I listen for its call. Right now, it’s crooning a soft, sweet lullaby… My lover is standing close…
* * *
Ava heard the knock on her door over the sound of the six o’clock news on the TV and frowned. She’d had a simple supper of an egg white omelette and greens and was now relaxing after her unscheduled call in to the office. She wasn’t expecting visitors.
The knock came again and with a sigh, she set her wine glass on the coffee table and pushed away from the couch. Padding barefoot down the hall, she looked through the peephole and gasped.
Lachlan.
With her heart pounding double time, she glanced down at her old robe. Though it was threadbare at the elbows, she still refused to toss it out. She’d been wearing it since her final year of college and there were a lot of fond memories stored within its woven cloth. Besides, it was comfortable.
With no choice but to open the door and let Lachlan see her in her finest, she undid the security chain and turned the door handle. He looked so sad and despondent, she immediately forgot about her worn attire.
“Lachlan! Are you all right? What are you doing here?”
He stared at her blankly as if trying to comprehend her questions. At last, he blinked and nodded. “Hi. I’m… I’m fine. I needed to see you. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not,” she said, a little warily, wondering what had brought him to her door. She wasn’t sure she was ready if he came to tell her he’d reconciled with his wife.
At the possibility, she swallowed a desperate sigh. If that was his reason for being there, she might as well get it over with. Stepping backwards, she opened the door all the way and indicated he could enter. “Come in.”
She turned and walked back to the open concept kitchen and living room and muted the TV before turning back to face him. “Can I get you something? A drink?”
“Thanks. A beer would be good, if you have it.”
His tone was still quiet and his demeanor remained downcast. She frowned and tossed him another worried look. It was Kristy. It had to be. He was here to tell Ava his wife was moving back.
All of a sudden, Ava’s legs turned to concrete and she could barely force herself to move toward the fridge. With her heart heavy with dread, she came to a halt. If the news was bad, she didn’t want him staying any longer than he had to. She wanted him to get it over with and then she’d ask him to leave. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. Some things were better done fast and with gritted teeth.
“It’s about Kristy, isn’t it? You’re getting back together, giving your marriage another chance. It’s all right. You can tell me. I’ve been half expecting it. It was my idea, after all.” She laughed without humor and tried to fight back the tears. Unable to look at him while he told her that news, she turned her back on him and braced herself.
Instead, she felt his hand upon her shoulder, strong and gentle all at once. She flinched and moved away.
“I’m fine, Lachlan. I am. And…I’m happy for you. For all of you. Your kids—”
“It’s not about Kristy, or my family. Well, it is, kind of, but that’s not why I’m here. Kristy and I have decided to formally separate. In time, we’ll get a divorce. I’m here because I wanted to say I’m sorry for the things I said. I was angry and hurt and…”
He cursed beneath his breath. “What I really want to tell you is that I’ve fallen in love with you and… I’m wondering how you feel. You told me once you liked me and I can’t help hoping there might be a chance the two of us…”
His voice faded off, as if his courage was depleted. She stared at him, so lost and uncertain and joy trickled into her heart. He loved her! He wasn’t getting back with his wife. He wanted to know if there could be something between them—if he had a chance.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” she cried and threw her arms around his neck. In less than a second, she’d gone from despair to wild jubilation.
He grimaced and too late, she remembered his collarbone, but she kissed him anyway, on his lips, his nose, his cheeks. Her glasses made the action more awkward and laughter rumbled through him. He pulled back a little to stare at her, his eyes wide with disbelief.
“Yes? You mean it?”
She nodded and smiled and tugged off her glasses, wiping the moisture from her cheeks. Taking him by the hand, she led him to the couch and sat down beside him. Still holding his hand, she said softly, “Tell me everything.”
Over a beer and a glass of wine, Lachlan filled her in on his meeting with his wife. Ava was surprised to hear Kristy had found someone new, but was relieved to know this hadn’t factored in Lachlan’s decision—or that he wasn’t devastated by the news.
“I loved her for a long time,” he murmured. “Once, we were good together, but time has a way of playing tricks. We grew up and put our high school days behind us. We could have grown together, matured into our adult life. Unfortunately, the longer we stayed together, the more obvious it became how far we’d grown apart. We had two beautiful kids who I’ll love and support until I die, but I can’t live my life with their mother, knowing I’m in love with someone else, no matter how hard I try. And I can’t ask her to do the same.”
Ava stared at him. Lachlan moved closer on the couch, until their thighs were touching. Her short robe had ridden up. His jeans were rough against her naked skin. He shifted his head until his lips were inches from hers.
“You believe in marriage and all it stands for. You cried at your sister’s wedding,” he murmured, his breath warm on her mouth.
“Y-yes,” she said a little uncertainly, unsure where he was heading.
“You’re a traditional girl with traditional values. I understand. Believe it or not, I feel that way, too. My marriage to Kristy might not have worked out, but that doesn’t mean I’m forever soured against the institution. You want marriage and a lifelong commitment.”
He stared into her eyes. He was so close she could see the dark flecks amid the green. Her breath caught at the intensity of emotion in their depths.
“I want to give you that,” he whispered against her lips. “If you’ll let me. I want to love you until the day I die.”
She gasped on a sob of pure joy and happiness and he held her against his chest. His lips found hers and they kissed like they were ravenous. She matched his passion at every turn, loving the feel of him against her. He reached inside her robe and his fingers found her naked breast.
He stroked her nipple back and forth until she was wild with need. She moaned against his lips and lay back on the couch. Careful of his injured arm, she reached up and pulled him down on top of her. He willingly complied with a growl deep in his throat and tugged at the tie around her waist. Spreading her robe wide, he stared down at her nakedness, panting.
“You’re so beautiful. I love you, Ava Wolfe.”
“I love you, too, Lachlan.”
He bent his head and captured her lips and kissed her again and again. She squirmed against his erection, desperate to feel more. Pulling away, he undid the button and zipper and shucked his Levis
and boxers down his hips. Returning to his position, he lay naked, fully on top of her and both of them sighed loudly in relief.
“That’s better,” he growled.
She stared up at him. “You feel so good.”
He pressed his cock against her entrance. She was sure he could feel her heat. Slick with wanting, her need coiled tightly inside her.
“Do you want me?” he murmured, his eyes heavy with desire.
Anticipation surged in her belly and tingled through her core. “Yes,” she breathed and pulled his head down for another soul-searching kiss.
His cock nudged at her entrance and she suddenly realized he didn’t wear protection. “Do you have a condom?” she whispered.
He stilled and drew slightly away from her. “No,” he said. “I wasn’t sure if you’d even want to see me. I didn’t want to appear presumptuous and spoil everything…again.”
He stared down at her, his expression solemn. She smiled softly, tenderly and reached up to cup his cheek. “It’s all right. That was my fault as much as yours. I’m sorry. I was the one who made assumptions. It was wrong of me.”
“Let’s just agree to forgive each other and forget. Can we do that?” he asked.
Ava smiled in relief. “I can if you can.” Once again, she pulled him down on top of her and kissed him. Passion quickly built up again inside her and she twisted impatiently against him.
“I need you inside me,” she murmured.
“What about the condom?”
“I don’t care about the condom. I’m free of disease and you look pretty healthy. Besides, I’m taking contraception pills.”
With that, Lachlan bent his head and captured one rosy nipple. He suckled and licked until Ava was driven wild with need and then he moved to the other.
