by Lara Swann
I throw the pieces into the air and watch them flutter down around me. It feels like the tatters of everything I thought I could achieve alone, and it’s more painful to face that thought than I’d like to admit.
The idea that all I’ve been doing is struggling, one small step away from complete disaster.
And that’s not what I want for Maddie.
If I’d do anything for her…that includes giving up my pride.
Finding Alistair. Telling him the secret I’ve held for years. And using the kind of strength that made me walk away in the first place to deal with the consequences.
I’ll get down on my knees and beg if I have to, for the sake of my daughter…and hope that he doesn’t slam the door in my face.
I can’t really say I expect anything from him. But at least I’ll know. I’ll be able to tell Maddie what actually happened with her father.
I’ll finally shake the ‘what if?’ that’s been haunting me for years.
Chapter One
Leah
“Leah—what the—” Emma glances down at Maddie beside me and catches herself before the curse slips out. “What are you doing here?!”
“Hi, Emma. I really need a favor.”
I’m standing on her doorstep with Maddie, hoping this one shot will work out.
She glances back over her shoulder, then frowns, looking uncomfortable.
“Umm, it’s really not—it’s not a good time right now—”
“Please, Emma.” I try not to sound as desperate as I feel. “I don’t have anywhere else to go.”
I don’t know anyone else in NYC anymore, and I barely had the cash to get here.
“Well, it’s just—” She glances behind her again, just as I hear a man’s voice from further inside.
“Emma? Who is it?” The deep baritone sounds oddly familiar, and I frown as my little girl tugs on my hand, obviously starting to get fidgety.
Emma blushes then looks back towards me, and I feel suddenly awkward.
Shit, I’m interrupting her date.
“I’m sorry—”
“No, no, it’s fine—”
We both talk at the same time, then the man in question finally walks out to join us.
And I just stare for a moment.
Dylan?! My douchey, cheating ex from college?
He seems to have the same shocked look on his face, but he recovers first.
“Leah? Wow…fuck, you completely disappeared, girl. I haven’t seen you in—fuck…”
“Hey! Not in front of Madison!” Emma hisses at him, and he blinks again, before looking down to where my little girl is staring up at him with wide eyes.
That startles him into a slightly choked-off laugh.
“Oh, well I was going to ask what you’d been up to, but I guess…”
“Dylan. Could you please check the pasta?” Emma interrupts deliberately, giving him a look.
“Right, okay. Well, yes. Okay then.” He looks between us again, gives me a limp wave and walks back down the hall.
I meet Emma’s gaze, too surprised to say anything for a moment.
“I’m sorry—I didn’t want you to have to see, well…” Emma shrugs a little.
“No…no, it’s okay. I don’t mind - I haven’t thought about Dylan in years. I just didn’t realize you guys—but honestly, it’s fine Emma. You’re more than welcome to him.” I smile at her, shaking my head.
I just thought you had slightly better taste than that…
Though it’s not like I’m in a position to judge. Alone, with only a few failed relationships behind me - and a kid to raise.
But Emma’s eyes widen, and her hand comes up to her mouth as she tries to cover a small, stuttering laugh, shaking her head vehemently.
“Oh god, you thought—?” She glances behind her again, and gives another half-laugh, then steps outside and pulls the door closed behind her. “No, definitely not. I am not dating Dylan, Leah. After seeing the way he treated you, and all that shit he pulled in college? Fuu—for sure, no.”
“So you’re just casually having dinner on a Monday night as…friends?” I ask, teasing. “Which I know I’m interrupting, too, though I feel a little better now that I know it’s only Dylan’s plans I’m spoiling.”
“I’ve missed you, hun. And little Maddie.” She grins at me, then pulls me into a quick hug that leaves me smiling as well. “And ugh no, not friends…not exactly.”
I’m surprised at the little burst of relief I feel.
Friends might have been even worse. If they were dating I could probably forgive her for some uncontrollable burst of hormones, but actually wanting to be around him as a person?
“So…?”
Is she going to make me drag this out of her tooth-and-nail?
She gives an almost shy smile, which is quickly overtaken by the spark in her eyes.
“It’s just that we’re thinking of going into business together, that’s all.”
I blink for a moment, and then a kind of giddy excitement overtakes me.
“That’s all?!” I say. “Oh god, Em, really? You’re actually doing it?”
Her grin expands to envelop her whole face and she nods, dancing slightly on her toes as she barely contains the sort of energy I know I’d be feeling if I was in her place right now.
“We’ve been talking about it for the last few months and I think it’s actually going to happen, Leah. My own physiotherapy clinic…well, ours, I guess.” She laughs a little at the end and I crush her to me in another hug.
I know what a dream this is for her.
Yeah, because it used to be your dream too.
I push away the strange, sudden sense of loss as I remember all those evenings we spent staying up together, talking about the future and what we’d have one day…thinking that maybe when we were qualified, we could set something up together…partners—
“Mommy!” Maddie tugs at my top, her face scrunching up a little and reminding me that I’ve got a different dream now.
I smile down at her, ruffling her hair before I pick her up to carry her on my side. Maddie hates being left out, and she’s been stood patiently for longer than I can usually expect.
“Emma is going to start a…a shop…where people who are hurt can go to get better. She’s going to help people, sweetie. Isn’t that exciting?” I smile down at her, and she looks back and forwards between us both.
“Like…like a doctor? Like when we play?” She asks me.
“Yes, a little like that, baby girl.” I say. “Isn’t that amazing?”
“I want to be a doctor!” Maddie says excitedly, bouncing in my arms and reminding me just how heavy she’s starting to become.
I laugh and poke her nose. “Well, maybe you will be.”
She giggles, and my heart does something strange inside my chest.
Maybe she’s only four, and it seems like she wants to be something different every week at the moment, but these are the sort of dreams that I want her to have. That I want to make possible for her. That’s why I’m here.
I look back at Emma, the fragile decision that I’d made yesterday becoming a little more solid in my mind.
“Well, I’m hoping it’ll work out, anyway.” Emma adds. “There are still a few details, and Dylan…”
Her brow wrinkles a little at his name, and I give her a brief look.
“I’m not sure he would’ve been my…first choice.” I say, slightly hesitant.
If she can make this happen, then I’m definitely not going to question her choices to get it started. Especially since I know there was a time I would’ve been her first choice. But…I just don’t want to see her get hurt. And I have an uncomfortable idea what he’s like.
What he was like. That was years ago. It could all be fine now.
Emma shrugs. “Yeah, I know. But he’s got the money to get us started, and that’s the hard part, Leah. It’s a better chance than I could’ve hoped for.”
I nod, smiling and reaching out to squeeze her arm
, still trying to balance Maddie. “I’m sure it’ll work out, Em. I’m so happy for you.”
Her brief concern dissolves into a grin again, and I look back at the closed door, remembering why I’m here yet again.
“So, if we disappear while you’re having your business meeting for the evening, d’you think we could stay for a little? Please? I just really need—”
“Don’t be stupid, Leah. Come in, have dinner with us - and you know you’re always welcome. Maybe just because I want to see the cute little girl you have there, but you can tag along with her, I’m sure.” She winks at Maddie, who blinks up at my friend, and then glances over her shoulder with a shrug, turning more serious. “I just…didn’t want you to have to see Dylan. But, I guess you know about that now, so…”
“I really don’t care. Seriously, Leah. He was never a big deal. I wasn’t even heartbroken when I found out what he’d been up to - it just pissed me off and stung my pride a little. And it was long time ago.”
No, heartbreak was another relationship entirely…
“Okay then, it’s sorted. We’re having pasta - is that still your favorite, Maddie?”
Maddie nods enthusiastically. “I’m hungry!”
Emma laughs, and reaches out to tickle her, earning a chorus of giggles and enough squirming that I have to set her down again.
“We should probably head back in. Dylan is going to wonder what the hell happened to us.”
I nod, but hang onto my friend’s arm, pulling her in again for another hug - a proper one this time.
“Thank you, Em. Seriously. You’ve no idea how much I appreciate it.” I say softly, and she squeezes me back.
“Anytime - but when he’s gone, I want to hear everything. I haven’t seen you for months - and I thought you said you were never coming back to New York City? You’ve got a lot to tell me, girl.”
She breaks the hug before I can say anything else, and then she picks up one of my bags and lets us into the small entranceway.
I bring my other bag in, and take Maddie’s hand, following her through to what I thought was her roommate Ed’s bedroom.
It’s bare, with clean, neutral decor and empty of any personal items, and I give her another raised eyebrow as we set the bags down.
“Yeah, Ed disappeared on some last minute work thing - left me high and dry, but at least I’ve got his half of the rent for the next month. And you’ve got a place to stay. I’ll need to find someone fast, though.”
Emma runs a hand through her hair, and gives me a slightly ragged look. I finally catch the hints of circles under her eyes, and have a moment to appreciate all the plates she’s spinning at the moment, too. We’ve always been like this - both of us trying to do as much as possible, taking on enough to push us right to our limits and only then somehow realizing life will be throwing us curveballs the whole time.
“We definitely need a catch up.” I say with a smile, and she returns it.
“Emma! Are we doing this, or what?” Dylan calls from the kitchen, and Emma gives me a slightly guilty look before she disappears to placate him.
“Oops.” I say to Maddie, and she giggles and repeats it. “We’ve been distracting Emma.”
“Oops, oops, oops.” She holds out her arms and I sigh with a smile as I pick her up again.
“You’re getting too old for this, baby.” I say, bouncing her a little as she shakes her head.
“No I’m not. I’m hungry, Mommy.” She complains again, and I pull her closer for a hug as I carry her out of the room and towards the kitchen.
“Me too, little girl. Let’s go find some food, huh?” I kiss her forehead, watching as she wipes it off with a scowl.
“…ugh, this is totally overcooked, Emma.” Dylan is complaining as we enter the kitchen. “I hope your conversation was worth—ohh, hi Leah.”
I give him a pleasant smile, bouncing Maddie on my hip. “Hi Dylan. I hope you don’t mind us joining your dinner.”
“No…not at all.” He says with an expression saying exactly the opposite - that I choose to ignore.
“The pasta will be better for Maddie that way.” Emma chips in. “Nice and soft.”
“Sure, because I was totally hoping to be cooking for a kid…” He mutters it, but not so that we don’t hear.
Emma rolls her eyes at me behind his back and I hide a smile, setting Maddie down at the table and starting to help getting plates and cutlery out - making sure I take out enough napkins to try and protect from the mess that dinnertime always involves.
Dylan and Emma serve out the food a moment later, and I have to stop Maddie from diving in before everyone else has even sat down.
“Wait, wait, wait, sweetie. It’s too hot. C’mon, let’s blow on it together, hmm?” I say, making an over-exaggerated blowing motion over our plates.
She groans about it, clearly impatient, but eventually joins in, and I start cutting it up into small mouthfuls that I can set aside to cool off for her. She’s always like this with food - practically inhaling it with enthusiasm - and it’s started to feel difficult to keep up with her appetite. Probably better than her being a fussy eater, though.
Emma joins in with encouraging Maddie to wait, blowing on her own food and trying to help me out, and I shoot her a grateful glance as my girl wriggles around on her seat.
“Oh, c’mon Emma, Is the whole of dinner going to be taken up with…this?” Dylan waves his hand toward Maddie, and I have to struggle to rein in my irritation at his attitude.
It is their meal that we’re intruding on, but even so. Maddie shouldn’t have to deal with being at the end of his barbed comments.
Not that my daughter seems to have noticed him at all, too intent on the food in front of her.
So I give him a smile instead, and gesture for them both to continue.
“Not at all. I know you guys have plenty to discuss - don’t mind us. You go ahead.”
Emma glances at me, obviously sensing the slight edge to my voice, but I nod at her - she shouldn’t have to deal with his comments because of me, either.
Dylan takes me at my word, and starts talking about a potential location they’ve obviously been in the middle of discussing, and I turn back to my daughter, helping her spear some of the pasta and trying not to let the sauce fly around too badly.
Emma and Dylan’s conversation soon becomes energetic and excited, and even though I don’t say anything and I’m trying not to listen in too closely - it’s their business, not mine - I can’t help myself. And it’s hard not to feel a little jealous.
As I look at Maddie giggling as she gets as much of her meal around her mouth as in it…it’s impossible not to feel how drastically my life has changed since those years in college when I dreamed I could do anything - with Emma.
On some level, I think I still believed I would. But now she’s here, actually doing the things we talked about, and…I’m not.
I just hadn’t realized how much the last four years had changed me - and my whole life. All the things I thought would be big and important…simply aren’t anymore. Nothing could possibly compare to providing for my little girl, and in truth I’ve barely even thought about physiotherapy and college and all the things I was going to do since she was born.
But it still feels strange to listen to Emma pursuing them. A weird reminder of another life, that makes my chest feel slightly tight and uncomfortable.
I’m still puzzling over it all by the time their conversation winds down - ideas for locations, clients, advertising, hell even decor all floated and considered…though from the sound of it, not much entirely agreed.
“So…do you think you’ll get the funds?” Emma finally asks, and I get the feeling she’s been waiting to come onto it all evening.
“I told you, don’t worry about that. I know some people.” He winks at her, and I get the same sense of unease I did the last time I saw that.
When he laughed off the idea that he’d been seen with a few other women.
�
�And what do you think these people…your investors…might want, in exchange for the start-up funds? How much of the business are we talking?” Emma chews at her bottom lip.
“I still need to run them through the details, see what they think. And I can’t do that until we agree on a few more of the specifics, doll. It doesn’t exactly work unless I can tell them exactly how their money will be spent.” He says, sounding entirely sensible and experienced.
But I still don’t like it.
Just some fucked up jealousy. Stop it.
“Okay. Well I’ll have a look at that downtown property you mentioned, I’m just not sure whether it’ll be too expensive while we’re just starting out…” Emma nods slowly. “And on your side? You’re still planning to put that money you talked about in too, right?”
Dylan looks at me before shrugging. “Yeah, I should be fine for it.”
I realize belatedly that he’s obviously uncomfortable talking about the financial side around me - which makes sense, really. I wouldn’t want to share my financial situation too widely either.
Yeah, because you don’t even have one.
“Okay, sure.” Emma says, then glances around at the empty plates. “Shall we leave the business talk for now, then? I’ve got ice cream for anyone who wants it!”
Her voice changes tone at that last part, and Maddie catches on immediately.
“Me!” She says enthusiastically. “I do, I do. Mommy, can I?”
I laugh a little, ruffling her hair. The way she’d been slumping in her chair, I’d almost thought she was ready to fall asleep. But there are some things that will always capture her attention.
“Sure.” I glance at Emma. “Do you want any help?”
“No, don’t worry about it - you three go on to the living room, and I’ll bring it through.”
I pick Maddie up with a grateful look at Emma, then gesture with my head to all the dirty dishes.
“Don’t do any of the washing though, Em - I will later. Seriously, least I can do for you letting us stay.”
She looks like she’s about to object, but I’m walking away with Maddie before she can say anything.
We settle down on the couch, and she curls up into my side - a sure sign that she actually is ready for bed, but she’s just holding out for the ice cream. It’s been a long day, and she’s actually been remarkably good coming this far with me without making too much of a fuss.
