by Lara Swann
“So that’s a ‘yes’?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Maybe.” One corner of her mouth quirks into a smile, and I don’t miss the sparkle in her eyes. “Nice to see you too, sir. You’re not even going to ask how how my holiday was, are you?”
“I’m just assuming it was good enough you won’t be needing one again.” I say lightly.
“This is why I didn’t bring you anything back. That, and there’s pretty much nothing left that you couldn’t buy for yourself, anyway.”
I grin, the exchange relaxing me more than I’d expected, and start to step past.
“Wait.” Meredith says, before I even make it two steps.
There are very few people who could say that to me - and even less that I’d actually stop for. But Meredith is one of them, and it’s just another reason I’m glad she’s back.
I turn back to her, eyebrow raised again.
“You didn’t answer my question. What the hell is going on with you?” She takes a long sip of the coffee, which doesn’t in any way dim the impact of her gaze.
I look at her. Briefly consider denying there’s anything going on - or telling her I’m not ready to talk about it.
But I don’t want to.
The energy and excitement and news is bubbling up inside me in a wild, uncontrolled way. And if there’s anyone I can confide in…it’s Meredith.
I hesitate.
And then nod towards my office, walking into it myself.
She mutters some complaint about old bones, but follows me anyway, and shuts the door behind her.
I settle myself behind my desk, but the moment my ass touches the chair, I’m up again. I can’t just sit. Not at the moment.
Meredith has no such problem - settling herself into one of my armchairs and watching as I start to pace. She doesn’t say anything, but I know the longer I’m silent, the more she’ll increase her estimation of the significance of this piece of news.
But even if I didn’t say anything for hours, I doubt she’d manage to correctly guess how utterly life-changing this is.
Leah is insistent that we don’t tell Maddie that I’m her father immediately - which is going to be fucking hard, but I can understand it. She doesn’t know that I’m going to want to stick around yet, really know in the way that I need her to. And it would be better for Maddie to get to know me without that pressure, without such a sudden announcement that I’m her Daddy.
The way I want this to happen, I want it to feel natural. I want her to accept me.
Fuck, I want her to like me so badly.
Even more than I want her to know I’m her Daddy. I think.
But we only discussed keeping it quiet for now for Maddie…I have no idea what Leah would think of me telling anyone else.
I hadn’t even planned to - but damn it, I need to.
When my most recent burst of energy subsides and I finally come to a stop, I lean against a cabinet opposite Meredith and notice her calm, too-knowing eyes are entirely focused on me.
It reminds me just how unusual this is for me. There’s not much that I don’t come right out and say, cool and direct.
“I got some news while you were away.” I finally say. “It’s…err, all very…sudden, and not much has been worked out yet…”
That’s also not like me - caveats and explanations to cover the real, burning news. I take a deep breath, and it’s not hard to feel it bubbling up inside me. Uncontainable. The thing that I’ve wanted to spend the last three days shouting.
“Leah came back.” I start again, and watch as Meredith’s mouth makes a small ‘O’.
Her expression is completely neutral and she doesn’t say anything, but I know she remembers Leah - and everything between us - very well. And everything that came after, for me.
“And…” I can’t help it. The exhilaration that’s been tingling under my skin all night comes out, and a smile spreads across my face. “I have a kid, Meredith. A daughter. We…she was pregnant. And I have a kid.”
I’m grinning now, full out grinning. I even laugh a little.
While my completely bomb-proof secretary stares at me, her eyes bugging out of her head a little.
“A…kid?” She slowly repeats.
“Yeah. A girl. A little girl.” If possible, my grin gets even larger.
I have no idea how anyone I know might react to this news. Maybe not quite with the same enthusiasm as me, I’m still grounded enough that I’m aware it might not be good news to everyone I work with - but Meredith, at least, takes her cue from me.
Cautiously, she lets herself smile as well, looking me up and down.
“You seem…happy about that.” She says, and it’s not quite a question.
“I am. I…I’m a lot of things. But, wow, Meredith, can you believe it?” I run a hand through my hair again, and grin back at her.
She laughs, almost inadvertently. “I’m not sure I do.”
She stands, and I help her up - then sweep her up into a hug.
“I know it means a hell of a lot that I haven’t even thought about yet, but…but this is Leah. And my little girl. I didn’t even realize I wanted kids - really wanted them - but…”
I trail off, not even sure what I’m trying to say. Everything still feels like a storm of emotion and mixed, confusing thoughts.
Meredith steps back, holding my shoulders and looking square at me. Her expression is a little bemused, but there’s a warmth under it - the kind of genuine care I’ve always been drawn to.
“I’m not sure I can imagine you with kids, Alistair.” She shakes her head, but she’s still smiling.
“Fuck, I can’t either. Damn it, Meredith, I’m fucking terrified.” I laugh a little, and wonder whether there’s a slight edge of hysteria to it.
Her smile widens.
“Good. At least you’re still reacting reasonably to the situation, then.”
I laugh again, stepping back and retreating behind my desk, shaking my head as I finally have someone that I can voice all the endless little fears and concerns to.
“What the hell am I going to do with a little girl, Meredith? How do I…what do I…fuck.” I implore her desperately.
“Don’t look at me.” She shakes her head with a laugh. “I never had kids.”
I knew that, I think. But while it never occurred to me before now, I’m suddenly curious.
“You didn’t want them?”
“Just never happened for me. Didn’t meet the right guy. Married to my job.” She gives me an ironic smile, but she doesn’t seem too bothered by it.
“That’s true.” I tease. “They definitely would’ve got in the way of some of those late-night trade deals.”
She rolls her eyes at me. “As always, I’m sure your heart is in the right place.”
“Seriously though, what am I going to do? I’m seeing her today - my daughter, Maddie. And I…fuck.”
“Why don’t you ask Leah?” She says with a smile. “I’m sure her Mom has a better idea of parenting her than either of us.”
I give a non-committal response.
Of course, I will probably end up doing exactly that.
But…I wish I had a better idea myself.
I don’t want to give Leah a reason to question my ability to be involved in Maddie’s life, and…honestly? I want to impress her, too.
I just don’t have a clue how. The only role models I have are examples of what I don’t want to do, so…fuck that.
“You’ll be fine, Alistair.” Meredith brings me out of my thoughts again. “You obviously care, and that’s all a child really needs. There are as many different kind of Dads as there are people - just do whatever feels right to you.”
That relaxes me - maybe just a little, but enough. I smile back at her, breathing deeply.
She’s right. And she always knows exactly what to say.
You care.
That’s what was missing from my childhood. And that, I can do.
“Thanks.”
&n
bsp; She nods, and turns towards the door - also knowing the right moment to leave me to myself.
“Meredith.” I say as she reaches it. “This has all just happened, and I haven’t told anyone yet. It would probably be better if Leah and I had a bit of time to work it out.”
I doubt I even need to give her the reminder - Meredith has always been discreet. But it’s not worth the risk.
She nods again, giving me a little smile.
“I’ll make sure no one notices me researching ‘how to be a parent’ for you, then.”
I grin as she leaves, but then I’m standing alone in my office again. Hours left until I see my daughter. Nothing that I’m going to be able to concentrate on.
So instead I let the images of meeting Maddie play over in my mind again - what I might do, or say. What she might look like. I should’ve asked for a picture, damn it. But then…maybe that wouldn’t be as special.
Ugh.
I glance back out the door to where Meredith is sitting at her desk.
I really hope she is compiling that damned research. Ideally before this afternoon.
Chapter Six
Alistair
I’m not any calmer by the time I walk into the park hours later - I just have a much better pretense of it.
My eyes scan the groups of people there, even as I walk towards where we agreed to meet, and every time I see a little girl my heart clenches. I can’t help looking for Maddie, even though there’s no way for me to know until I see her Mom.
I get halfway through the park before I see Leah - sitting on a bench in front of a play area filled with other kids and Moms. I glance around, but I don’t see any sign of a little girl with her, and even though it feels stupid, my heart drops.
She did bring Maddie, right? She wouldn’t have changed her mind about me meeting her…
“Hi.” I say softly.
Leah starts as she glances up at me, then shuffles over on the bench. I take the cue and sit down next to her.
“Hi Alistair.”
Her eyes keep darting back to the play area, and some of my momentary concern dissipates as I guess she’s watching Maddie at the same time. Even so, I still can’t help checking.
“Is Maddie here?” I ask, trying to look over the girls in the play area.
Leah nods, but she doesn’t point anyone out, just sitting next to me in silence for a moment.
I’m impatient as hell, on edge with nerves and anticipation, but I get it.
This is probably as much of a big deal for her as it is for me.
She’s been Maddie’s only parent for so long, and now…
“What did you tell her?” I ask, both curious and hoping that talking might relax us both.
She gives me a sidelong glance.
“That we were coming to the park to play, and a friend of Mommy’s might come too.”
Might.
It’s not lost on me.
She still doesn’t know that I’m really going to do this.
It’s grating - I wonder what the hell she thinks of me - but I understand it, too.
I’m just going to have to make it fucking clear that I’m not walking away from this. Not from my little girl. And not from Leah.
I nod, and then speak again to fill the silence. Normally I’m perfectly comfortable sitting in silence, waiting for whoever I’m with to speak, but this is different. I want to make this easier for both of us. And I’ve had enough of sitting with my own thoughts.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this since you came to see me.”
That gets another sidelong look, and a small smile.
“Yeah?” She says softly. “Me neither.”
I’m not sure what it is that makes me want to reassure her, but I act on the impulse.
I take her hand in mine and squeeze it, meeting her eyes.
“It’ll be okay, Leah. We’ll just take it slowly. But - this is going to be a good thing. For all of us.”
It’s what I’ve been telling myself for days. What I feel, deeper than I can even understand. It just feels right.
And I guess it’s the right thing to say, because I watch her soften at my words - those beautiful curves relaxing just a little, and her face easing as she looks up at me, long hair fluttering in the breeze.
It’s a breathtaking picture, and even now - even with everything that’s about to happen - I feel blood shoot down to my cock, the reminder of everything I felt for this girl so vivid and undeniable.
I want her. More than I want to admit, even to myself.
“Okay.” She breaks the moment with a deep breath. “Shall we go and say ‘hi’ to Maddie?”
That knocks my sudden lust back into submission, and the nervous anticipation comes back full force.
I wonder whether this is what it’s like for guys waiting for their wives to give birth - not knowing quite what’s going to happen, or how their lives will change. Waiting with an eager anxiousness to meet their kid for the very first time…
I don’t know what that’s like. I wasn’t there. But somehow, I think I’m feeling a little of that right now.
Without thinking, I slip my hand into Leah’s, and squeeze it again.
This time, I think it’s for me.
She seems surprised, but she doesn’t slip out of my grip until we approach the sandbox. Then she gives me a quiet, understanding look.
“That’s Maddie - over there, building…well, umm…I guess it looks like a lump of sand.”
I laugh, but then I follow her gaze and come to a complete stop.
There’s a little girl, resolutely patting the sand into a pile with a look of such determined concentration that my heart does a little leap.
Or maybe that’s just because this is my little girl.
She’s got her Mom’s dark brown hair, though cut in a much shorter, manageable style that curls around her chin, and the most adorable button nose and light freckles on her cheeks - or is that sand?
There seems to be more sand on her than anything else, and even though she’s obviously intent on what she’s doing, she seems so small to me - like the most precious, fragile thing on the planet.
“She’s…wonderful.”
It comes out of me as a murmur, but I can feel the way Leah is looking at me, and when I turn to meet her eyes, she smiles easily.
“She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.” She says honestly, then looks between Maddie and I for a moment - my little girl apparently not having noticed our appearance at the edge of the sandbox at all. “Do you want me to give you a few moments here? I can go and talk to her—”
“No. I mean, I’d like you with me.” I say, somewhat clumsily.
I understand the suggestion, and why she might think I need some time to myself.
But the truth is exactly the opposite.
This is our daughter. Our little girl.
And it feels better to have Leah here with me, as I get to see her for the first time.
“Okay.” She gives me another small smile. “We won’t go over there until you’re ready.”
I nod, appreciating how sweet she’s being about it all.
I want to say I don’t need the softly-softly kind of treatment, but I’ll be honest…this is a shock.
And if I’m going to go over there and pretend that I’m not her Daddy, at least for the moment…I need to get my head on straight.
Because I really doubt she’s used to her Mommy’s friends treating her the way I want to right now.
At least, I hope not.
I have no idea what kind of guys Maddie has had in her life, and a sudden doubt creeps through me as I send a subtle glance in Leah’s direction. She didn’t mention having anyone else in her life, but…
Don’t think about that right now.
I push it out of my mind as we stand together and watch our daughter playing.
Almost like we’re an actual couple.
Don’t think about that either.
But after a few minutes, Leah shifts closer to me - just a little, but enough that it would be so easy and natural to put my arm around her shoulders.
So I do.
She looks up at me, but doesn’t say anything, so I keep it there while I watch Maddie with a small smile and try to memorize every inch of her.
It doesn’t take long before my impatience wins out over my nerves though, and I look at Leah with a raised eyebrow.
She smiles back and nods, slipping out from my arm and taking a deep breath herself.
We walk around the sandbox to the corner where Maddie is playing, and I’m not ashamed to admit my heart is fluttering in my chest.
Don’t be weird and too intense. Don’t announce you’re her Dad. Just act cool. You’ve got this.
“Hey Maddie,” Leah calls as we get close.
Maddie turns around to give her Mom a quick look before turning back to her pile of sand. “I don’t want to go, Mommy! I’m not finished!”
Leah laughs and shakes her head. “No, it’s okay baby girl. We don’t have to go. I just want you to say ‘hello’ to my friend, okay?”
She heaves such a dramatic sigh that I have to bite my lip to keep from laughing, turning back again with a long-suffering look that I didn’t think a four-year-old was capable of.
“Okaaaay.”
Leah gives me a half-amused, half-apologetic look, then takes Maddie’s hand as the little girl gets to her feet, hovering around her Mom’s legs as she blinks up at me. Her hair falls in front of her face, and I can’t help smiling at how adorable she looks like that - curious, but just a little bit shy.
“This is Alistair, Maddie. He wanted to come and say ‘hi’ to you.” Leah says, with her voice pitched like she’s sharing a cool secret, before looking back at me. “This is my baby girl.”
“I’m not a baby.” Maddie complains.
I smile and crouch down in front of her, watching the cute way her face scowls up at her Mom.
“Hello Maddie.” I say gently, feeling stupidly like I’m about to get a lump in my throat or something. “It’s nice to meet you.”
“Hello.” She nods and gives me a little wave, then looks back up at her Mom and pulls on Leah’s hand. “Can I go play now?”
Leah laughs softly and nods, squeezing Maddie’s hand. “Sure thing, sweetie.”
