by Lara Swann
I hope.
For now, anyway.
When she knows who I am, it won’t be so bad to show her a few brief moments of affection…hell, it won’t be so bad to have them. And the way I can feel Leah’s gaze on my back, the heat there, I can’t help imagining that she’s thinking the same thing.
She catches up to me a few moments later, and doesn’t say anything about what I just did. That in itself tells me everything I need to know.
Instead, after a few moments, she returns to what we were originally talking about.
“I’m glad.” She says softly, almost shyly - not meeting my gaze. “That you feel like that. Maddie…she deserves that.”
I nod, agreeing with an easy smile. “She does.”
We walk down the path for a while longer before she breaks the silence again.
“You know, I wasn’t quite expecting…this.”
I glance over at her, raising an eyebrow. “You weren’t expecting…what?”
I sound casual, but my heart rises in my chest as she says it.
I know exactly what she means - the business tycoon Alistair Sinclair isn’t known for playing in the sand, being silly and indulging kids. And I’ve felt the way she’s been looking at me - disbelieving, doubtful but…with an edge of hope. Of interest. It’s what every Mom is drawn to, right? A guy who could be a good Daddy.
Of course, I have a much bigger reason to want to be a good Daddy - and she’s currently skipping ahead of us talking to herself - but even so…there’s some stupid part of me that wants to impress Leah. And wants to show her I’m not the same man she left.
Even though it’s fucked-up that I do.
I shouldn’t care - she left me. I should be angry and hurt and resentful that I never knew about Maddie. I shouldn’t be trying to prove anything to her. But…every time I look at her…my heart seems to skip a beat.
Damn it.
She gives a short laugh, and gestures vaguely in my direction. “I don’t know…this. You. You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so…disheveled.”
I glance down at myself again, and smile when I see what she’s looking at. My fine suit, spotted with sand and crease marks from kneeling in the sandbox earlier, stretched in the wrong places and looking entirely out of place.
“In hindsight, wearing a suit to the park was probably a bad idea.” I say, amused.
It didn’t even occur to me to wear anything else - and that probably says something. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t dressed formally.
“You think?” Leah teases, looking me up and down. “Do you even have other clothes?”
Her question is an uncanny echo of my own thoughts.
“Umm…I’ll get back to you on that.”
I’m sure I have an old pair of jeans somewhere. Exactly the sort of thing I’m probably going to need for playing with Maddie, I guess.
“And if not, I can always invest in a new wardrobe.” I point out.
She rolls her eyes at me. “Of course. Money has a way of solving those sorts of problems.”
Her tone is more amused than anything else, and I have to bite my tongue to resist offering to solve her problems that way. She needs it - despite how defensive and closed off she is about talking about any of that, I can tell. But I know her too well to jump in there and try.
Leah has never wanted a savior - a knight in shining armor - we had more arguments than I can remember about how she wanted to solve her own problems, and diving in with that kind of attitude is only going to send her running.
Even if she has a kid now. Even if she has my kid. And I should be able to make sure that kid has everything she needs.
I squash the impulse. I want this to go well. Right now, it’s going well.
We can figure out the details later.
And, unbidden, Maddie’s voice comes into my head.
“You’re doing it all. I want to do it! It’s my castle!”
Her mother’s daughter, indeed. But oddly enough, I understand that childish desire better than I ever did with Leah’s protests.
Maybe that will be different now.
Maddie comes running back to us, trying to drag Leah forward and complaining that we’re being too slow.
“You’re going to get tired if you keep that up.” I say, trying to be helpful, but Maddie stops and gives me an impish look.
“Mommy always tells me to get tired.” She grins. “Hey, I’ll race you!”
I glance over at Leah, beginning to understand where her exasperated and long-suffering looks come from.
“Mm…okaay…” I say slowly. “But I’m good at races. You might not win.”
“I will!” She says enthusiastically, then takes off before I’ve even had a chance to think about it.
“Cheat!” I call after the giggling little girl in front of me as I start running.
I can hear Leah laughing from behind me, and mentally curse her as I catch up to Maddie. She’s surprisingly fast, actually, but I have a slight height advantage that she can’t really compete with. Not for a good long time, anyway.
I let her win, of course. But I put enough effort into making it exciting and close that by the time we stop, I’m actually feeling the exertion.
“These shoes really weren’t made for running.” I grumble to Leah as she catches up to us, wincing as they pinch me.
“I won, I won!” Maddie grins, darting around us.
“He’s just upset because he lost.” She stage-whispers to Leah, and I scowl at her.
“Poor guy.” Leah doesn’t sound the slightest bit sympathetic, and I mutter something under my breath as she starts digging in her bag for some bread for the ducks.
“C’mon, are you going to come chase the ducks with me?” Maddie tugs at my hand again, and I look over at Leah.
“Chase them? I thought we came here to feed them.”
She giggles. “Mommy feeds them. I chase them.”
I look over at Leah, who gives me an amused glance back.
“That’s about how it usually goes.” She admits, as the ducks start waddling over, quacking loudly at the rustling of her bag of bread.
“Hmm…” I make a show of considering it, then turn back to Maddie. “Why don’t you chase the ducks…and I’ll…chase…you!”
She squeals as I dive for her, running away and careening into the first set of ducks to head our way. They honk in outrage, flapping off to the side, and she laughs again, looking back over her shoulder as I try to look menacing.
“Okay, the suit was a terrible idea.” I mutter to Leah. “Let’s see if I can fix it a little.”
I loosen my tie, then take the whole thing off entirely, before shrugging off my jacket and throwing them both casually on the grass. My tailor would probably have a fit to see it, but it would be a totally unjustified one, as it would probably be the same as throwing even more money at him.
I slip the first few buttons on my shirt open, and grin back at Leah.
“Okay, maybe now I’ll be able to keep up with that ball of energy.”
I laugh as I run off after Maddie, and she squeals and tries to run away again, aiming for different sets of ducks as she goes - sending them scattering off sideways, only to regroup behind us with a lot of noise, to where Leah is patiently throwing out bread onto the ground.
We play like that for a while, and I come close but never quite catch Maddie as she dances away from me. Towards the end she starts getting carried away with it, taunting me and sticking her tongue out as she runs by - even as she’s obviously getting out of breath and tired.
“Can’t catch me. Can’t catch me.” She grins as I get close to her and she sprints off in another direction.
“Ohh really?” I say, making my voice deeper as I do. “You haven’t seen me…really try yet. I’m coming for you, girl!”
I let out a burst of speed and she shrieks as I bear down on her, sprinting full throttle back towards her Mom as I let my fingers brush her back in an attempt to g
rab her.
“Mommy, Mommy! Heeelllp!” She yells, and Leah laughs as she watches both of us.
Leah crouches down and opens her arms. “In here, baby.”
Maddie runs straight at her, still screaming, barreling into her Mom and knocking her back a few steps. Leah’s arms close around her and she laughs up at me.
“You can’t get her in here.” Leah says, perfectly matter of fact as I run up right behind Maddie. Her eyes are sparkling at me, and I’m struggling to contain my own laughter as I make a point of growling and stomping around her.
She’s looking out at me from between Leah’s arms, though, and she giggles as she sees me.
“Can’t get me, can’t get me!”
“You better not come out then, girl!” I let it rumble out of my chest, and Maddie squeals again, clutching Leah tighter.
“I guess that means I better carry you, huh?” Leah asks Maddie, whose eyes light up, and she nods eagerly.
Leah hoists her up against her hip and Maddie wraps her arms around her Mom’s neck, leaning into her. The sight of it makes my heart beat a little faster.
“How about we have a nice calm walk back, hey?” Leah suggests.
I laugh a little. “Fine by me - if you can keep that one in line.”
But Maddie seems perfectly content to slump against her Mom, the soft features of her face slackening a little as she relaxes. I reach up and stroke her hair back from her head, unable to help myself - but neither of them object.
“She’s tired, huh?”
“Surprised?” Leah asks, her eyes dancing.
“More like relieved.” I smile back at her. “I’m exhausted, after all that.”
We walk slowly back towards the entrance to the park, content with the comfortable air between us without saying anything more. I really am exhausted - but buzzing at the same time, with that satisfied tiredness I’ve only ever gotten before from a long, hard day at the office.
Or really great sex.
But I’m not letting myself think about that around Leah. Not too much, anyway.
Right now, my head feels too full of Maddie, anyway. And one of the most different days I’ve ever had. There’s too much to mull over, absorb and enjoy to try and start another conversation.
Simply being with Leah feels right, too. I glance over at them both more than I should, but I keep thinking about how good this is - how amazing it feels, to have the two of them with me. To spend a day playing in the park.
Not something anyone would ever associate with me - but things are different, now.
I smile over at Maddie again, whose eyes have drifted closed with her Mom’s rhythmic stride.
And I want them to be different.
When the entrance to the park comes in sight, we both pause for a moment, looking at each other - and then I lead us over to a bench. I don’t feel ready to leave them, yet.
I’m not sure I ever will.
Leah follows, settling down with Maddie and giving me a small smile.
“This has been…really nice, Alistair.” Her voice is soft, and she strokes Maddie’s hair as she speaks. “You were great with her.”
I smile, my heart warming at the comment. “She’s a wonderful kid.”
“And a sleepy one.” Leah says, rubbing Maddie’s back as the little girl’s breathing evens and she rests against her Mom. “We should probably go home.”
She pauses, and looks like she wants to say something else, but then turns her attention back to Maddie instead.
“Ready to go back to Auntie Emma’s?” Leah asks her, bouncing Maddie a little on her knee. She barely stirs, wrapping her arms around her Mom tighter and mumbling something sleepily.
Leah looks back at me with a little smile, shaking her head as she lowers her voice. “I think that’s all we’re getting out of her - but if she’s falling asleep at the end of it, it’s been a good day. I’ll—well, I’ll leave you to think about things, but it would be nice to do this again.”
Leah starts to move, but I stop her before she can get up.
“Come back with me.”
It slips out before I can think better of it, but it’s been on my mind all day.
I don’t need to think about things. I know exactly what I want.
Leah stares at me, but I keep talking before she can say anything. I lower my voice even though I’m pretty sure Maddie is fast asleep now, and I can’t help the insistence in my tone as I try to explain.
“I mean it - move in with me, Leah. I don’t need to think about things. I love Maddie. I love—” I catch myself, going too fast as I try to get her to listen to me. “I loved today, with you both. I’ll give you whatever you need - I want to support you, both of you. But I want to be a part of your lives, too - come and live with me, and—”
“Alistair. We can’t. I can’t. We barely know you - Maddie has only just met—”
“You’re already staying at a friend’s house - just tell Maddie that you’re staying at a different friend’s house now.” I point out. “You’d have your own space there, and it would be so much easier if you’re going to be here for a while. It wouldn’t mean anythi—”
“No.” Leah stands up abruptly, and Maddie lets out a noise of complaint at the movement before Leah bounces her a little, shifting her up on her hip again. “We’re not moving in with you, Alistair. It’s too much—this is all too much. I’m glad you got to meet Maddie, but—I have to go now.”
She takes a deep breath and I consider rising with her, pulling her into me and calming the stress that’s written all over her face now. The way I used to do.
Of course, I was usually the one that caused it back then, too.
A pang of regret hits me, and I glance away.
By the time I’ve looked back, she’s walking away, and I curse myself even more for not saying goodbye.
It was a good plan. I’d thought it through. And it’s what I want - even if it is fast and impulsive. I can already feel how deep this goes - I want to be a part of their lives. Maddie’s life. Leah’s.
And that’s not some momentary decision that’s going to reverse itself - it’s the start of something so new and hopeful that I can’t even think about it too closely.
But I’d also known, before I even said anything, that she wouldn’t go for it.
That’s why I didn’t mention it all day. Until I was faced with her leaving, and then…it just slipped out.
I might be ready for all of that - but Leah isn’t. And she’s looking out for Maddie. And it is reckless to dive in so quickly.
I let out a long breath and lean back on the park bench, looking over to the entrance Leah left through and thinking about the day I’ve just had with my daughter. And how it ended.
I’d forgotten how infuriating it had been dealing with her stubborn independence all those years ago.
But this isn’t like those other times - everything is different now, and this time…I just want to take care of them. To make them both happy. And I know I can, too.
I just have to convince her of that.
At whatever painstakingly slow pace she needs.
Chapter Seven
Leah
“Okay, time to ‘fess up.”
Emma walks in, setting a bottle of wine on the table in front of me with a determined ‘thunk’.
I glance up at her, wide-eyed and innocent, knowing it’s not going to work for a moment. I got back with Maddie about an hour ago, and Emma has been hovering around ever since.
“Don’t look at me like that, girl.” The two glasses she’s holding clink down on the table. “I held off a whole…what…four days?”
She pours the wine for us, handing it over to me where I’m curled up on the couch, and continues speaking before I’ve had a chance to say anything.
“Not to mention it’s been four years of silence, hun, and now you’ve come back here, met the guy twice - Maddie has even met him! You were out all day together, but you still want to insist that I don’
t know who he—”
“Okay, okay.” I say, giving in to the inevitable.
I glance over towards the door, my thoughts running to Maddie sleeping just down the hall, and Emma catches the look. She pushes the door until it’s just slightly ajar, and then settles down on the couch beside me with a triumphant expression.
“Okay, now you can tell me everything.” She says, and I give a small laugh, playing with my glass of wine.
“Well, we met at the—”
“No. No no no. Start with the who. C’mon, Leah. Why is this such a secret?”
I look away for a moment, but I always knew I’d have to admit this at some point. I’m not even sure why I’m so reluctant now. I’ve met him, we’re talking now - it shouldn’t be such a big deal. But it’s been a secret for such a long time. And…it is Alistair. He’s a big deal all by himself.
I take a sip of wine and a long breath out, and then I just do it. I say the words that have felt on the tip of my tongue for five long years.
“It’s Alistair Sinclair. That’s who Maddie’s father is.”
Her interest turns to pure shock almost immediately, and for once - Emma doesn’t say anything. She just stares at me.
I give her a weak smile and shrug, and when she finally blinks back at me, she’s the one letting out a deep breath. Only, hers seems to be half-excitement instead of the ball of nerves behind mine. And then all the words come at once.
“No way.” She shakes her head. “Oh my god…no way. Are you kidding me? You’re not—wait, really? Alistair Sinclair. The Alistair Sinclair?”
I can’t help it, even with all of this, I feel myself smiling - giddiness at finally saying it, maybe, or the hilarity of her reaction - or the whole whacked situation.
New York City’s most eligible bachelor. The hottest billionaire around.
My baby’s Daddy.
“Yeah, that one. The Alistair Sinclair.”
I make it a title, and then laugh.
His name has held such a serious weight and heaviness inside of me for so long…I didn’t realize how absurd it sounded out loud. When you talk about him like that - when people do talk about him, it’s almost like he’s a brand, or a distant entity, instead of a real man. You can almost forget he is real.
