by Lara Swann
Of course.
Josh is, ever reliably, continuing our charade. The one where we’re supposed to fall out with each other and eventually break up.
Which just so happens to give us a perfect cover for barely talking to each other all day.
Ohh, thank god.
Relief overwhelms me and I think I could kiss him.
Except, of course, that’s how I got into this shit in the first place.
“Auntie Cassss?” Ellie asks, her brow furrowed. “Are you okay?”
I give her a weak smile and nod, trying not to listen to the rest of the conversation at the other end of the table, but catching it anyway.
“Ohhh, that must have been terrible. I don’t know how you coped, Josh.” A giggle from the far end of the table distracts me, and I glance over to see a girl - one of Beth’s friends, I think - rubbing Josh’s shoulder. “Though I know what I would’ve done to keep warm…”
My ears burn as I catch that comment, but the embarrassment is overwhelmed by a strange discomfort.
I’m pretty sure Josh is just playing the part we’ve planned. He doesn’t mean anything by the comments about the AC - he’s not actually irritated. And he’s never cared before about my piss-poor skills with technology.
But…for some reason, I’m suddenly not sure. The way they’re talking over there, as if I’m not even here…my stomach twists with a mixture of uneasiness and irritation.
And I don’t even know the girl he’s talking to - the one looking at him like that. I’m fairly sure I’m being irrational, but I don’t like seeing her beside Josh.
I don’t even know her, and I’ve got no idea why she’s still here. Beth’s party ended two days ago and all the other guests have left by now.
“Are you okay, Cassie?” Maria’s question is quieter than her daughter’s, but obviously concerned as she looks at me.
I turn back to Maria and her kids with a start, embarrassed to have been caught in my distraction.
“Yeah…” I say, knowing I’m not convincing, but okay with giving that impression. “Yeah, it’s fine. Just…one of those things.”
I shrug and give a half-smile, reaching over to squeeze her hand. She frowns, and glances back towards where Josh and mystery-girl are still discussing my failings.
“You know, you can always talk—”
My Mom stands up and waves her arms around in an obvious attempt to get attention, cutting Maria’s comment off. I give her a reassuring smile anyway, grateful for the interruption. Telling Maria more about the ‘issues’ Josh and I might be having would probably be useful, but I’m not sure I’m in a fit state for it right now.
“Okay, everyone.” Mom starts. “So, since the weather is so nice today—”
“It’s been nice every day, hasn’t it?” Beth interrupts, and Mom sends a scowl her way for a moment.
“Well, yes, okay. But we have a bit of time today, and everyone is around—” That comment prompts another scowl in my direction, probably for our unauthorized disappearance yesterday. “—we thought we should visit that old lake we used to, remember kids? Henry and I brought the kayaks, too, and with John’s Jeep, we have enough off-road trucks to take everything down. What do you think?”
She beams at us, and I actually smile back. For once, it’s actually a great idea.
It gets an enthusiastic response from everyone else too - and a couple of squeals from Ellie and Lucas after John whispers a translation to them.
That ends breakfast pretty quickly, and we all rush to get organized.
John joins us as we head back to our room, promising to look at the AC, and finally works out how to shut the damn thing off while Josh and I gather swimwear, towels and everything else I can think of, with as little discussion as possible.
I think at first that it might be part of the act, but our unusual silence persists even after John leaves and we’re alone together again.
Either he’s worked out that I don’t feel ready to talk about what happened, or he doesn’t have a clue what to say too.
He doesn’t seem quite as uncomfortable as me, but he’s not trying to bridge the gap that’s opened between us either - or touch me the way he has the last few days.
I try really hard to ignore the part of me that’s missing that.
* * *
I lean back on the blanket and look up at the stunning blue sky, breathing deeply.
I love it out here. I always have.
Ellie and Lucas are running around giggling and playing, and the rest of my family is either eating or already lying around comatose after over indulging in the picnic Maria threw together.
And for once, everyone even seems to be getting on.
Apart from Josh and I, of course.
I glance up, looking for him, and my eyes land on him right away.
Leaning against a tree just a few meters away, reading a dog-eared copy of Hamlet and looking for all the world like a sexy English professor. The kind I could easily picture getting stern for a moment over some misconception about his beloved literature - and then laughing at renewed understanding the next, eyes shining and tousled hair bouncing over his firm brow.
For fuck’s sake. Stop it.
I try to chastise myself, but I can’t even help it anymore. After last night…I can’t get the thoughts out of my head.
I glance away before he notices the attention - or my reaction becomes even more dangerous, sitting here surrounded by my family.
I try and watch the water instead, to distract me, and relax a little as it starts working.
I’ve always found it calming here, the slight breeze emphasizing the current of the large body of water. We call it a lake because it’s calm and large enough that it could almost be one, but it’s got a river feeding it from the slight incline further into the trees, and further down, it ends in a small fall over the crest of the pasture we’re sitting on.
We’ve been coming here ever since I can remember, and just thinking about that makes me smile and takes me back.
Learning to skim stones with mockery-disguised-as-lessons from Mark. Trying to build a dam - yes, across the whole damn lake - and falling in with Maria. Even playing at pirates with Beth, back when she was cute and sweet and far less insufferable.
I turn back to our little gathering, those memories on the tip of my tongue and wanting to share them…with the same person I always have.
Josh. My friend.
I look over at him again, and for once the idea of interrupting his book-born reverie with whatever bubbly thought occurs to me seems impossible.
The urge dies as quickly as it was formed, and I sigh instead, picking at the grass to the side of me and reaching for another chip.
I just don’t know how to relate to him. As a friend, a fake girlfriend or…as whatever we were last night. None of it makes sense, and I don’t even know how to begin to approach it.
Every time I think I have a handle on how I feel, and that I could go up to him, smile and be any semblance of normal, the same thing pulses through my head.
This is Josh…who you’re attracted to.
And I can’t reconcile those two separate ideas at all.
“Cassie?”
I glance up to see concern all over Maria’s expression as she looks between Josh and I.
I just shrug, trying to indicate that my current turmoil as I try to work out what Josh really is to me now is just one of those things.
“I was just thinking about all the things we used to do, coming here.” I say, trying to deflect her question.
But then Mark joins in enthusiastically, and my smile turns more genuine. He nudges Anne with the same instinct I had to share with Josh, and then the four of us start telling stupid stories about when we were kids.
It’s a fun distraction from the endless circling thoughts about Josh, and after a while I actually start to relax and enjoy myself again. I haven’t caught up with Maria and Mark like this for a long time.
Tha
t ease lasts until Lucas and Ellie start jumping around Maria, tugging and chattering about how their Daddy is taking them out on the water. She looks up, startled, and John gives her a wry smile as he comes behind the children.
“Figured it was the only way to shut them up.” He squeezes her shoulder. “Don’t worry, they’ll be fine - they’re old enough now. I’ll take them out together on the double kayak, and you can take a few pics from here.”
She looks between them all, before resignation crosses her face.
“Okay, okay.” She says, giving John an even look as the kids yell excitedly. “But be careful.”
He smiles gently back at her, leans in for a kiss, and then turns towards the kayaks strapped to the truck.
“We’ve got a single too, if anyone’s interested.” He adds, looking around at us all. “I can help take it down to the water.”
“You can relive all those childhood memories.” Mark nudges me, and I think about all the times he convinced me to play ‘capsize’.
“Not today, I think.” I shake my head with a smile. “Mark?”
I love the water, but I’m feeling too sorry for myself to volunteer for a round of physical activity.
“Nah, thanks mate.” He shrugs. “I think I’ll stay here with Cassie.”
That catches at my attention, and I send him a suspicious look.
With Cassie.
Not just here. Or even with Anne.
What does he mean by that?
I’m about to ask, when Josh interrupts us. “I’ll take the second, if no one else wants it. Haven’t been kayaking in years.”
Our heads swivel to where he’s standing and stretching, looking over at us, and then John nods.
“Yeah, sure.” He gestures for Josh to follow and then walks away towards the trucks, the kids jumping around his feet.
That’s all it takes to remind me that he exists, and I get another uncomfortable pang as I look over at them working the kayaks free.
I’m not sure whether he asked because he really wants to get out on the lake, or just to put some more space between us, but either way I’m glad for it. It’s easier not to be close enough that we could be making conversation - if he’s not a few meters away, it’ll feel less like we’re actively ignoring each other.
“I think…I might go watch from the shore.” Maria says, as they settle the kayaks down on the water, and John pushes Josh off. “I’ll get better pictures there.”
Anne glances over at her. “It’s the first time they’ve done it?”
“Yeah.” She laughs, and fishes her camera out of her bag. “Not that I’m nervous or anything.”
Anne gives her a sympathetic smile and starts maneuvering her ungainly form to rise as well. “I’ll come and join you - I could use the walk anyway.”
“Oh, okay. Thank you.” Maria helps her up, and they start walking slowly down towards the water’s edge.
Then it’s just Mark and I sitting together, and I can tell I’m holding my breath, waiting for something. Beth and Neil disappeared shortly after we arrived, Nikki went with them as soon as Josh made it clear that he was only interested in his play, and my Mom and Dad have gone for a walk around the lake.
But we just sit there in silence for a while, sharing chips and watching as the kids get decked out in lifejackets that dwarf them and John tries to calm them down enough to get them to sit still in the kayak.
I’m trying not to look at Josh already on the water, and halfway across the lake now. Even from this distance, I can see the sun glinting off his sculpted abs, the warm strength of his body as he cuts the paddle through the water with the same skill he—
I force myself to break the thought off, even if I can’t seem to take my eyes away from him for too long. This far away, there’s no way he’d be able to tell I’m staring.
Except, I forget that Mark can.
“So, how are things going with you and Josh?” He eventually asks. “You both seem a little…tense…today.”
I sigh, having expected it but still no happier about him finally bringing it up.
“I don’t really want to talk about it.” I say.
That’s the truth, at least, since there’s no way I can explain to Mark the exact difficulties I’m having right now. And it gives the right things aren’t so good message, anyway.
“Yeah, I get that. None of us have ever been good at all that.” He shrugs, but I can feel his gaze on me as he seems to consider his next words. “D’you mind if I say a few things anyway? Just to think about?”
Yes, I mind.
But I don’t quite say it. At least he asked - I don’t think anyone else in our family would’ve. And I remember a time when we used to be quite close.
Instead I give him a narrow look. “What if I say ‘yes’?”
“Then we’ll change the topic.” He grins easily back at me. “And I’ll try to find a way to slip them in anyway.”
I laugh, not expecting that.
“Okay, okay…at least you’re honest.” I look back out to the water, waiting for him to start.
It’s tempting to take the change the topic option, but if I’m going to have to listen to this anyway, it might as well be now.
Besides, the part of my mind that sounds an awful lot like Josh reminds me, it’ll tell you more about what we can use for our break up…
Our break up.
The thought echoes in my mind, and I shiver slightly, even though the wind from the lake is only mild and pleasant.
“It’s your life, Cassie, and you know I’ve always thought you should live it how you want to. But…we’re a little worried that you might get caught up in something you don’t actually want—”
“We?” I jump on that immediately.
It’s not like I don’t know that they’ve been talking about me, but I still find the confirmation irritating as fuck.
He sighs. “Maria and I. We’re just concerned, Cassie, that’s all. We want what’s best for you.”
I blink, actually surprised it’s just them. I was expecting my Mom to have her unending input as well.
“And you don’t think Josh is what’s best for me.” I come out and say it. I’ve never liked trying to talk in hints and muted understandings.
To my surprise, he actually takes my hand, and that forces me to look over at him.
“It’s not that. Not exactly. If you think he’s the right person…then only you can know that. But we’re not sure you’ve really thought about what life might look like with this guy.” He says.
I raise an eyebrow, continuing the charade, but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. Mark seems so…genuine. And like he’s trying so hard.
“I know how much you want to be a doctor, Cassie, and it’s already obvious you’re going to have an amazing career. But…there’s a difference between a supportive partner, and someone who wants to rely on that income. Please don’t let yourself be taken advantage of like that.”
I frown at him, confused more than anything. “What makes you think Josh is like that?”
What’s he been saying that we haven’t talked about?
It’s not so much that he’s come up with more reasons for my family to dislike him, but that we’re meant to be working together on this.
Mark looks awkward now. “Well, he said something. At Beth’s party. I guess you were too—you don’t remember.”
“What did he say?” I’m curious now, and actually have to make an effort to seem concerned.
“Mom asked if he was concerned that your career might get in the way of…things—”
“Of course she did.” I mutter.
I vaguely remember her accosting me with something similar at several points that night.
“And he just said how thrilled he was that you’d be taking care of him while he tries to get his acting career off the ground.” Mark’s lip curls in faint disgust, but I just burst out laughing.
I can’t help myself.
“Oh god…did he really
?” I ask, feeling thrilled myself.
I can just imagine the look on Mom’s face. She must have been dying inside.
“Cassie, c’mon.” He turns annoyed. “It’s not actually funny—”
I laugh again, shaking my head. “It really is, Mark.”
I glance over towards Josh with a renewed burst of appreciation.
“Hey, listen.” He squeezes my hand again, and after a few moments I give in and force myself to listen, but I’m still smiling. “I get it, you know. After…everything here, having someone who thinks like that way and wants you to be a doctor might seem amazing. But…look, just think about it for me, okay? I…it’s not always easy being the only person supporting the family, you know. That sort of pressure, responsibility, feeling like it’s all on you…sometimes it’s hard as fuck, and then you can’t help wondering how it would be different, if maybe, your partner was a little more of a partner. You’re great at what you do, Cassie. But you might not want that kind of life.”
My smile fades, and I watch as his eyes flick unwittingly towards Anne, standing with Maria and watching the kids.
Ohh…shit.
I’ve always looked up to Mark. He has a great job, the sort of ambition I’ve always mirrored, and now he’s got where he wants to be and is stable enough to start and support a family. But we all know that Anne left college straight after marrying him, and hasn’t worked a day in her life.
I’d just…never thought he might have wanted something else.
“Mark…is everything okay with you?” I finally ask.
“Yeah, it’s fine. Things are good, and I wouldn’t change Anne or the little one inside her for anything in the world.” He shrugs and gives me another smile. “But it’s hard sometimes, that’s all. And I didn’t really think about it, before it happened. So I just want to make sure that you do.”
I swallow, feeling suddenly guilty.
As much as I struggle to get on with my family sometimes, Mark has always been supportive, and it’s obvious how much he cares. He’s here, opening up about all this personal stuff…while everything he’s worried about is a lie.
I look away, ashamed and wondering whether this whole thing was a stupid, fucked-up mistake.
My eyes gravitate to where Josh is lying out on the kayak now, looking up at the sky, and that feeling redoubles.
