by J. L. Beck
“Gia!!!” She sounded beyond excited to hear from me.
“Mom,” I said trying just as hard to sound happy. I knew that she could tell something was wrong, moms always could.
“What’s wrong? You sound down…” She left the sentence open so I could feel in my own thoughts. Tears were forming again, and I was wondering if I could tell her everything that took place. That it had all been a lie to please my father, a lie that in the end was breaking my heart.
“I feel broken. Like a piece of glass that has been shattered and swept away.” I knew my admission would lead to her asking more questions, but I also knew that the floodgates could no longer be closed. I was on the verge of word vomit and the truth was about to be told.
“Dear God, what is going on? Tell me right now Gianna King or I will come down there and kick your−.”
“I was going to tell you. No need to travel here, Mom.” That was the last thing I needed, my mom seeing how broken down I was, even worse over Chase.
“Well get to it, before I book a flight.” Her tone was serious, and I knew I just needed to tell her instead of beating around the bush.
“Remember what I told you and Dad? About Chase? About how we were dating?” I bit my lip waiting for her response.
“Of course I do.” She huffed into the phone. “I also think it’s a crock of shit. I know a relationship when I see one. Remember all the stories I shared with you about your father and I when he was in the Mafia?”
I laughed into the phone, “I do and you’re right, it wasn’t true. None of it was. Chase and I are, well, we were friends, I think, sorta… kinda like I hate you so much I can’t help but like you. At least we were before we hooked up one night. Now the lines have blurred and I’m feeling emotions that I never have before, feelings that I don’t want to give in to.” I was scared shitless of becoming another notch on his bedpost, another girl that chased him around, raving about him while he wasn’t paying me one ounce of attention.
“What does your heart tell you? Why can’t you give in to how you feel? What’s separating you?”
A tear escaped my eye.
Me.
It was me that was separating us. It was me that was forcing us apart. Fear was a bitch when it wanted to be, it made the reality of the good less appealing, it made everything you feared that much bigger.
“My heart says jump. If you swim then yeah, you survived. If you sink, you’ll always float back to the top,” I confessed.
“Then jump, dive head first into whatever it is that’s scaring you.” My jaw had dropped open, how did she know I was afraid?
“How did you−?” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because her laugh interrupted me.
“I’m your mother, and at one point in time in my life I was afraid of a lot of things, love being one of the many. I was the deciding factor for me and your father’s relationship. I was the one thing he loved more than life, and the one thing that caused his life to shift into darkness. When you’re someone’s light and darkness you have the power to destroy them, but you have to trust in yourself. And in him. Believe in your feelings and if it doesn’t work, then all you can say is that you tried. Life is short, Gia, but love if true can last a lifetime.”
Every single tear and emotion ripped through my chest, causing an ache to form. Every breath I took pushed all the feelings I had back into my body. Who knew that a one night stand could lead to so much heartache?
“Are you still there?” she bellowed into the phone.
“Yup, I’m still here.” I hiccupped, tears still falling from my eyes. I needed to get my shit under control.
“Don’t cry, sweetie. Chin up. Shoulder’s straight. Go in there and show him what he wants. Make him crave you like never before and then lay it on him. Tell him how you feel. If he’s not on board, if he can’t make you feel secure in your feelings for him, then he’s not worth it. Believe me when I say the hurt will be less now, than if you try and force something out of it.” All the words she were saying were true, even if my heart didn’t want to hear them.
“I will. I’ll−” I paused, forcing my breath to a normal pace. “I’ll tell him. I’ll explain it all.” As the words left my lips, so did all the guilt I was feeling deep inside.
“I love you, sweetie. Just try and see what happens, until then I’ll keep this between you and me. I don’t need your father going on a shooting rampage at your school. FBI agent or not, that’ll still land him in a federal prison.” The very thought caused a bubble of laughter to escape me. Before we hung up, we talked about my brothers and how they were giving her gray hairs which only led to more visits to the hair salon, and my father, and how everything would work out because they always did.
My mother was the woman I aspired to be. I loved her deeply and beyond measure. She had no idea just how important she was to me.
“Open this door right now, or I’m going to plow the fucker down,” Taylor shouted out, laughter lacing her words. After my talk with my mom, my mind became less hazy. I did a small session of yoga on the floor and jammed out to some music, forcing myself to relax and for the most part it helped. That is until Taylor threatened to crash into my room.
“All 120 pounds of you is going to plow down this door?” I joked with her as I opened the door taking notice of her Hulk-like stance. Was she seriously gonna attempt to plow down the door?
“Come at me, bro,” she growled before running at me full speed. It was too late for me to move, she ran right into me, forcing us against my bed. Her shrieks of laughter mirrored my own as I pushed her off of me and myself up off the bed.
Okay, that was a lie she could totally tackle me. The door, though? Not so much.
“Nice entrance, now get out,” I spoke, pointing towards the door.
“NO! We ordered pizza and I bought that movie with Scott Eastwood in it that you have been ranting and raving about non-stop.” Taylor scowled.
“The Longest Ride?” I corrected her with the actual name of the movie.
The look of anger on her face told me she didn’t have time for me to be correcting her, but I didn’t care because this was the kind of stuff I had missed between us over the last three years.
“The one with the hot as fuck guy wearing a cowboy hat, riding bulls and shit.“ She quoted my exact words from a conversation we had months ago.
“Hey, that was before I knew what the movie was called, nut job!!!” I yelled loudly with a smile on my face. She stuck her tongue out at me and laughed as she ran from the room.
“Hurry up, or I’ll eat all the pizza,” she shot back as she headed upstairs. I changed from my jean shorts to a pair of joggers, knowing damn well she would eat all the pizza if I didn’t hurry up. My heart was pounding in my chest, the beats getting louder as I took each step upstairs.
My confession to my mom had cleared my head, but now… now I needed to confess my feelings to Chase. I needed to spill my guts and lay it all out on the line. As I passed the kitchen and headed down the hall, my stomach did a flip. I could hear all three of them throwing insults back and forth at each other as I made way towards the media room. I gripped the door handle tightly second-guessing if I should even go in.
“Jesus, Taylor what is that? Slice number three?” I could hear Chance teasing Taylor, so I decided to walk in.
“Pizza and I have a dedicated relationship, asshole. One that I take very seriously.” She smirked, licking the grease from her fingers. They were all sitting on the floor with two pizza boxes open. Ten movie theater chairs were in front of me and as I maneuvered myself down the aisle I could feel everyone’s eyes on me.
“Stop staring at me,” I said nervously, as I popped a squat on the ground next to Taylor. I forced myself not to look at Chase, I mean it was bad enough his smell was surrounding me, causing my mouth to water.
“Conceited much?” Taylor taunted with a hint of laughter as she handed me a slice of pizza. I gobbled it down, my stomach growling for more before I had even
finished the first piece. Eventually, I got the courage to meet Chase’s stare and had I not been sitting on the floor I probably would’ve doubled over.
He looked like a God, only less angel-like. He smirked at me, causing an eruption of butterflies to flutter through my stomach. I could hear the blood in my ears pumping, and I saw nothing but him.
“Taylor was telling us stories about your parents working together.” Chance’s deep voice met my ears, and I forced my eyes away from Chase’s hypnotizing ones.
“Yeah. Between the Mafia, the FBI, and all the other ruthless shit our parents had to do, I’m surprised we made it this far.” It was the truth. Living the life they lived, I was surprised they wanted kids. It was a dangerous lifestyle to bring children up in.
“Our parents love stories were right out of a romance novel,” Taylor sighed before taking another bite, and I laughed as Chance all but rolled his eyes out of his head. He wasn’t much of a believer for the bullshit she was spewing apparently.
“More like romantic suspense with blood and gore,” Chase commented, drifting my attention back to him.
Chance slapped him on the back, “You would know, wouldn’t you? I remember you reading mom’s romance novels she kept in the house.” I watched as the blood drained from Chase’s face and a growl left his full lips while Taylor and Chance’s hysterical laughter filled the room.
What he didn’t know was that a man who read was far sexier than any other and there was nothing funny about that. It meant he had an imagination that could vividly see what authors had put on paper and that he believed in love blooming or surviving in the most unfortunate circumstances.
The conversation continued on, but Chase seemed less concerned with where it was going and more with me. His eyes were eating up the distance between us as if he wanted to be as close to me as he possibly could be, and something told me it wasn’t just about wanting to sit next to one another. In his stare he wanted me naked, writhing beneath him as I moaned his name. I can’t lie, I wanted that too.
“Don’t feel bad, Chase. Gia reads dirty romance novels all the time. In fact, the Fifty Shades of Grey series is a favorite of hers. Right, Gia?” I narrowed my eyes at her. If she wanted to open that can of worms, then we could go there.
“Should I tell them about your first kiss?” I raised an eyebrow in question at her. She sat quietly for a moment as the guys stared between us as if we were sharing a conversation inside of our heads that they couldn’t hear.
“I think it’s time to watch the movie.” Taylor changed the subject, but not without throwing a dirty look my way.
Chase leaned forward, past Taylor and Chance and into my face.
“Dirty books are the best kind of books,” he murmured, so close that I could feel his breath on my lips as he invaded my space.
He breathed out and I breathed him in, each whisper of air becoming unspoken words our hearts were desperate to speak.
They say fidgeting is a sign of nervousness. That fear makes us do crazy things and love even crazier things. I couldn’t focus on anything but Gia, which wasn’t outside of the norm for me. That’s why as the movie played before us, I found myself growing closer to her. I didn’t care about the movie, or about Taylor and Chance being near us. All that mattered was Gia, and the second that her head started to lop to one side I knew that I needed to take her into my arms, and I did just that.
Her warmth seeped into my bones, warming the coldness that had settled deep within me. She melted away all the bad and made me want to be the best part of her life that I could be.
“She snores, just warning you.” Taylor winked and then smiled at me. I muffled my laughter, not wanting to wake Gia. Having her in my arms again, even if it was while she was asleep was the best feeling ever.
I waited for the movie to finish, watching her chest rise and fall steadily as she took a breath. Her dark hair was sprawled across my chest and her smell was all around me. I could feel my cock growing hard with need, but knew that this was all I needed. This closeness to her, to feel her heart beating, to see her lips part ever so slowly as she sunk deeper into a peaceful state.
In the mass chaos that was our relationship, she was what I needed. Even if everything in my life decided to fall apart at this very moment, I knew that she would be all I would need to come back from it.
I cradled her body to my own¸ wanting us to become one. I waited a few moments before I pushed off the floor, her head lolling to the side as it rested heavily against my shoulder. Her sweet breath fanned across my face, and it took everything in me not to lean down and place a kiss on her lips.
“I’m going to take her to bed,” my voice was a whisper as I didn’t want to wake her. Chance shot me a smile and Taylor stared at me with apprehension in her eyes but said nothing. I think she knew better than that by now. If I wanted to hurt Gia, if I wanted to push her away then I would. That was just it, though, I was over pushing her away. Over making us both miserable.
I walked through the dark house, focusing my attention on getting to her bedroom without tripping or running into anything, which was harder than I thought with her in my arms.
“Everything in life has its own happily ever after, its own beauty in the chaos of darkness. That’s what you are to me.” My finger traced across her jaw line as I placed her upon her bed. She murmured something incoherent and I smiled wondering if it was my name that was falling from her lips. If she was thinking about me even in her dreams, like the nights I spent lost inside of her in mine.
I pulled myself away from her but felt the absence of her body from mine almost immediately. If I left this room right now, I would wonder around this house aimlessly through the night, unable to sleep because the only thing I needed more than my next breath was her. The only thing I wanted was her.
Instead, I did the unthinkable, I pulled my shirt over my head and removed my wallet, keys, and phone from my pockets, placing them on her nightstand. My eyes caught on a family picture she had placed there of her, her parents, and her three brothers. My heart ached to have what her parents had, hell what my parents had and to become that someday. Pushing away the thought for the time being, I crawled over Gia, wrapping my arms around her as I pulled her into my chest.
Her clothes separated our bodies from completely touching and I sighed as I squeezed her tighter to my body, willing myself to never let go. I had never felt love before, at least not for a member of the opposite sex that wasn’t related to me, but as my heart soared into my chest, I assumed that this is what love really felt like.
“Even when it wasn’t you, it always was.” The words just slipped from my mouth as if it was easier to whisper my darkest secrets out loud to her when she was asleep. I had to stop lying to myself, to her, to everyone that knew us. It had always been her, even when I refused to admit it. Even when she refused to admit it.
I held her in my arms as our hearts beat in sync. Hours had passed without an ounce of sleep hitting me as I stared at her, knowing that I would soon have to pull myself from her and leave the ball in her court.
She could always shut me out as she had before, but I prayed that she wouldn’t. I could be pushing her away going this route, but I needed to know I was worth something to her. Worth the fight. The chance. The chase.
I was tired of playing games. Tired of not having her as my own. It was time to stake claim to what was mine, and she was beyond fucking mine.
Birds chirped outside and I knew it was time to go, because if she woke up before I could get out of the room, we were either going to have this conversation about us far too early, or I was going to show her how much she truly affected me.
Slowly, I unwrapped her body from my own, regretting it but knowing that I needed to do it. I grabbed my shirt off the floor and put my belongings back in my pocket as I thought things over. I needed to find a way to let her know that I had been here all night, watching her sleep and wanting so much more than what we currently were. She rolled over, exposi
ng the skin on her back, and a quiet groan escaped my lips. Gia was testing my will even when she didn’t realize it.
Ignoring the ache in my cock, I headed towards her desk in search of a piece of paper and a pen. I always found that it was easiest to express my emotions in a form that didn’t involve saying them out loud.
Sometimes the easiest thing you could do is write down how you felt and leave it be, let the paper be your messenger. I did just that as I picked up the pen and scribbled down how she made me feel, and as I walked away, placing that piece of paper on her nightstand, I questioned what emotions it would place inside of her. If when she awoke and read it, would she feel the need to come to me? Or if she would end everything before it had ever really started?
Before I could grab the paper and rip it to shreds, I placed a kiss against her soft skin, praying that soon I would be able to perform the motion over every single inch of her skin.
Disappearing out of her room, a mantra repeated in my head, touching my heart, and searing my soul.
Give me time and I’ll give you a love worth living for− worth chasing for.
I had never felt more rested than I did right now in my entire life. My body felt as if I had been laying in a puddle of happiness and warmth, like I’d been wrapped in love all night long.
Yawning as I stretched, I took a deep breath in and Chase’s scent surrounded me, waking me up even more. He was here. Unless I was imagining it, but his scent was too strong, too present to have only been a figment of my imagination. It was true he was inside my head, wrapped around my body, and embedded so deeply in my heart I knew no one else would ever come close to him, and if he walked away from me right now, it would be like a knife straight to my chest.
I had been trying to protect myself from him, from the fire that blazed between us. It was pointless, even in trying to protect myself and fighting against us I was falling deeper into the abyss with him.
