“In a little while.” He heard her take another step toward him. “Don’t wait up for me.” As if he’d dare crawl into bed beside her tonight. As if she’d let him. He was an idiot. Linda had been right. He was completely freakin’ useless.
“Luke, please. Can we talk for a minute?”
He opened his mouth to put a quick end to her speech, but her words came tumbling out, almost as if she knew he wouldn’t want to listen.
“I just wanted to apologize to you for…” He had to strain to hear her voice. “I made a complete fool of myself…and I’m so sorry.”
He winced when she started sniffing. Sweet Jesus, please don’t let her cry. He tensed when he felt her hand on the back of his shoulder, her touch tentative, as though she were afraid of what he might do.
“I’m…I’ve never done that before.”
“Had sex with a stranger? So it doesn’t run in the family then?” Her hand dropped away and he felt a stab of shame in his chest when he heard her small, startled whimper. Dammit, his raging frustration didn’t give him the right to be vicious.
“Jill. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
She was quiet for a long minute and he knew she was still absorbing the blow. God, he was such a jerk.
“Um, well, actually, the answer is yes. Unlike my sister, I’ve never made a habit out of sleeping with strange men.”
“Jilly, I—”
“What I meant was that I’ve never thrown myself at a man like I did tonight.”
She plowed over him, apparently determined to clear the air despite his surly attitude. Luke had to give her credit for courage. She moved forward and leaned on the railing, making sure to keep several feet between them. He didn’t want to look at her, didn’t want to see her face for this discussion. But if she could take it, then so could he. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her shake her head derisively and he braced himself.
“I don’t know what came over me. I’m so awkward and clumsy.” Her voice faltered and he watched in near amazement while she fought for control and won. Watched as she bulldozed over the overwhelming hurt she had to be feeling and kept on talking.
“I know I’m not very attractive. I just…” She swallowed hard and leaned farther out over the rail. “With everything that’s happened, I just needed someone, that’s all.”
His body stiffened in absolute disbelief while her words washed over him, as her pain crawled inside him and hurt him, too. “Jill, let’s get one thing straight.” He closed some of the distance between them. “You are, hands down, the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. How could you possibly think that I wouldn’t want you.”
He shook his head in disbelief. “You’re sexy as hell.”
“Then why—”
“Look, when I said it was me, I meant it.” He didn’t want to go there—not tonight, not ever.
“When a man says ‘it’s me,’ he usually means ‘it’s you,’” she argued. “So at least do me the courtesy of being honest. I came on too strong. I’m sorry.”
Luke pushed himself off the railing. He felt claustrophobic in his need to pace and his stomach had tightened into a painful knot of frustration and dread. Why couldn’t she just let it go?
“It’s me, okay? It’s me, dammit.” He tried unsuccessfully to unclench his jaw. His head was starting to pound with the effort to maintain his control. “It’s not you, all right?”
“Is this about your wife?”
“I don’t want to discuss it.” He sucked in a jagged breath. “Please, for both our sakes, could you just go inside?”
He saw the tears form in her eyes, saw that she tried to hide them when she quickly turned away. And he wanted to touch her. So badly. He wanted to take her in his arms and just hold her. She was hurting so much and, dammit, so was he.
He sensed her movement, felt her arm when she brushed past him, retracing her steps to their room, and his stomach tightened with regret. He didn’t expect her to touch him. And he started when her hand rested briefly on his shoulder.
“Okay,” she whispered and her hand fell away.
Before he could stop himself—before he could admit that he didn’t want her to leave—he grabbed her hand and pulled her back against him. Luke felt the air whoosh out of her when he hauled her up against his chest, felt her stiffen briefly in surprise. And then, regrettably, felt her body slowly melt against him. She was so soft and compliant in his arms.
No question about it, he was out of his mind. The moment this op was over, he would check himself in for a psych evaluation. She was so alive. So perfect. And he was walking around half dead.
“Look, I’m gonna explain something, and then I want you to go inside and go to bed. Got it?”
He felt her nod her head against his chest. He dragged in another breath before he could continue. Jilly’s scent was alive in his senses, overtaking the sharp mountain breeze that danced over them. Overpowering the lilac that wafted up from the garden by the pool.
“I don’t want you to say a word. Just listen and understand and then go inside.” He felt her body tense slightly and absently began stroking the nape of her neck. If he couldn’t have her, then at least he could enjoy touching her for the next minute or so. Because after that, she sure as hell wouldn’t be looking at him the same way.
“Okay, here goes.” A minute went by and he stood there. Like an idiot. Not speaking. And then his heart started pounding and he began to feel light-headed. Jilly had to be thinking that he’d completely cracked up. He swallowed hard, his throat suddenly drier than any desert.
“Don’t.” Her whispered voice wafted up from his chest, wrapped around him in the cloak of darkness and forced him to take a shaky breath. “Don’t tell me.”
“I said no talking,” he reminded her. She pulled back, her arms still loosely wrapped around his waist. And he missed the warmth almost immediately. Luke knew in that instant that she’d somehow managed to get under his skin. That the feel of her, the scent of her, was forever burned into his brain.
“I can feel how tense you are. Your heart is going a hundred kilometers an hour.”
“That fast, eh?” Luke felt as if he were dying inside.
“I believe you, all right? I believe that it’s not me. It was wrong of me to ask.” Jilly dropped her arms and smiled up at him in the dark. She raised herself up on her toes and dropped a kiss on his cheek. “I’m going to bed now. Don’t stay out too long.”
She turned and took a step toward the door.
“I can’t get you pregnant,” he blurted. “I can’t have—we couldn’t…”
She stopped in her tracks. He felt the shock radiate out from her in waves, felt himself encircled by them when she turned back to face him.
“That’s what this is all about?” She took a step toward him and he saw the disbelief in her eyes. “So when I said that I couldn’t afford to get—”
“Yeah. That sorta did it.” He was glad it was so dark. He could see her expression clearly, but he prayed she couldn’t see his, prayed that he was hidden in shadow.
“But why should that matter so much?”
“It mattered to Linda…to my wife. It mattered a lot.”
“I’m sorry you can’t have children. But I don’t understand.” She closed the rest of the distance between them. “When you love someone, it shouldn’t matter. You adopt children.”
Not according to Linda. If he couldn’t produce them for her, he was as good as useless. “Well, anyway—” he cleared his throat awkwardly and winced over the lump in his throat “—now you know. It’s not you.”
She smiled up at him then and his heart tripped in reaction, first in shock and then something else. Something he didn’t dare put a name to. Something that felt a great deal like hope. God, he was pathetic.
“Well, just so you know, you’re still the sexiest man I’ve ever seen.” Her gaze ran down the length of him and he felt a painful surge of longing. “Definitely worth throwing caution to the wind.”
She t
urned again and opened the door. He could see the flickering white light from the television set. And he watched her shadow hesitate when she stopped and turned back to smile at him. “Definitely worth veering off course for.”
The door clicked softly shut behind her. He stared at it for a minute and then shook his head as he swung back to the railing. He took a deep, cleansing breath of the night air. And felt his heart rate slowly revert to normal. He still hadn’t released his sexual frustration, but damned if he didn’t feel better.
Luke had to admit he was surprised by what he’d observed tonight—or by what he hadn’t seen, what he’d thought was inevitable. He hadn’t seen frustration. He hadn’t seen disgust. He hadn’t heard Linda’s bitter, angry voice in Jillian. His mind clicked back over what Jilly had said. Maybe she was right. Maybe talking about it would make it better, would make it easier to live with. Maybe after this was over, he’d still have a shot with her.
The door jerked open and he turned to find her framed by the light in the doorway. He tensed immediately while his brain registered her obvious distress. He was already moving toward her when he spoke. “What is it?”
“God, Luke. You’d better see this.”
He looked beyond her at the images on the television screen. At the billowing smoke and the secondary explosions that had been captured on film from the fires that raged into the night. He left her to shut the door behind them, his gaze glued to the words running across the bottom of the screen.
“The announcer said something about Charlotte and I—”
“Turn it up,” he interrupted. He swore under his breath while his eyes captured the images that had just sealed his fate on another sleepless night. And maybe several more.
“Luke, what is it?”
“That, sweetheart, was our safe house—and three other houses in the neighborhood.”
Chapter 6
Jillian swallowed the wave of panic that still had her knees so weak she had flopped down on the end of the bed. He’d been gone for ages. And she’d tried not to worry. She’d tried to get ready for bed, as Luke had instructed. But the night didn’t seem friendly and peaceful anymore. The dark seemed claustrophobic without him. The wind blowing outside sounded sinister and dangerous.
Her heart went into overdrive when she heard a faint metallic clink outside the door. She prayed it was Luke’s key that was currently working the doorknob. Bolting from the bed, she dove for the connecting door and waited to see who would appear.
“Luke?”
“I thought I told you to get some sleep.” He slipped inside noiselessly and slid the lock back into place, then took the time to position a chair under the door handle. He proceeded to the drapes and opened them a fraction, checking the parking lot.
His body was on red-alert status. She recognized the signs now. His stance was battle-ready, his expression no-nonsense. And she felt a giddy rush of relief that he’d finally returned and that he would protect her and the children. He was theirs now.
“I can’t sleep. I tried, really. But all I can see is that fire. Those explosions.” She sighed as he finally turned to face her. The room was murky, lit only by the sliver of light from the opening in the bathroom door. Despite all the commotion of the past several hours, the children slept peacefully on, blissfully unaware of her restlessness.
“What’s going to happen?” She closed the bedroom door and crossed to the couch. Shivering, she sat, curling her legs underneath her and wished for a blanket to hide under.
“It’ll be all right. I made some calls. Duncan was pretty relieved, actually. He thought we were in Charlotte.”
“You didn’t tell him about my screwup yesterday?” She sensed Luke’s movement before she heard him as he finally drifted away from the curtains.
“Nah. I try not to bore him with the details, just the results.” He hesitated then, something close to uncertainty flashing in his eyes.
“Remember your promise. Whatever it is, you must tell me.”
“My boss wants me—us—to stay low another day or so.”
“And?” She felt the cushion sag under his weight when he sat on the edge, staying far away from her, she noticed.
“I’m not so sure I agree with that.”
“Why?”
“I don’t like waiting. I don’t like sitting still,” he admitted. “Someone is on to us. And I’m beginning to think it might be someone inside the agency.”
A chill sizzled up her spine. “H-how is that p-possible? Who would do that?”
“It’s possible if someone’s on the take. Hell, Sloan is so powerful, there could be several people on the dole. I just don’t know.” His arms resting on his knees, he turned to stare at her, his expression grim. “And to make matters worse, my cell phone bit the dust. I don’t know if it’s our location or if the damn battery is finally drained…but I can’t get the freakin’ thing to work.”
“Could we buy one?”
“Time is a luxury we don’t have right now. My gut is telling me we’re still in trouble, but damn if I know what to do about it.”
“Well, there’s always this phone—”
“Too easy to trace,” he interrupted.
“The phone booth then. I saw one out front at the end of the drive.”
“I can’t run an op from a damn phone booth.” He ran a hand along his jaw, his tension obvious. “I don’t mean to take this out on you. It just feels weird not to have my stuff.”
“You’ve got a gun.”
“Yeah, but it’s not my gun. And I don’t have my tools. I don’t have any help.”
“What about your partner? Can’t you talk with him? Perhaps he’d come here to help you.”
“I’m workin’ on it, hon. Believe me.” He smiled then, closing the small space between them on the couch and she tried not to groan out loud. Lord, he was so sexy. And so strong and capable. She trusted him, she realized, to get them safely out of this mess. She trusted him with all their lives.
“Why do they want us dead?”
His expression was instantly serious. “We don’t know that for sure. I think they’re after me. You know, you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
“But I saw that man in the rearview mirror.”
“Yeah, well there’s that, too. Drug dealers don’t like witnesses.”
She felt her heart start thumping again. Lord, were they going to be on the run for the rest of their lives? What about Dartmouth? What about her plans? “I, um, know this sounds sort of silly right now, but how long do you think this will take? Should I call Dartmouth and move back my start date?”
To his credit, Luke didn’t snort with disbelief, nor did he laugh at what was clearly insignificant on his list of important things to do. He handled her concern the way he seemed to deal with most things, she realized. He thought about it first.
“Mind you, I’m not trying to sound petty. It’s just…they’re expecting me. And I wouldn’t want them to worry unnecessarily.” There she was again. Rosemary Moseby’s dutiful daughter. No matter how much distance she managed to put between them, she would forever be Lady Jillian Marie Winthrop Moseby—always so bloody concerned with what everyone thought of her. Wouldn’t want to smear the family’s good name with the Dartmouth crowd. After all, the university thought it was hiring royalty. Now wasn’t that a joke?
“No, it’s a legitimate concern. I think probably you should call tomorrow and leave a message. We’ll keep it quick and vague. I don’t want it traceable, just in case.” He pressed his fingers to his temples as if to stop the pounding in his head.
Luke was clearly distracted and she immediately felt guilty. Here he was, with a million things on his mind. She should’ve just taken it upon herself to call. Lord, she was a fool. She didn’t have to seek permission for every blasted thing.
“I should let you get some rest. Is there anything I can do to help?”
He stifled a yawn with his hand and then stretched his neck and sh
oulders, temporarily relieving what had to be an eye-popping amount of stress.
“Nah. What I’d like is for you to try to sleep. I’m not completely convinced that we’re staying here tomorrow. But I need to think about it for a while.” He glanced up at her again. “And I might need you to do some driving.”
“You’d trust my sense of direction after the last go-round?”
“Well, actually, look how it turned out. If we’d made it to Charlotte—”
Her mouth dropped open as the realization hit her. Dear Lord, her mistake had saved them. There was a good chance they would have been inside the safe house. “I hadn’t thought about that.”
“So, just in case I need you to save us again tomorrow, you should get some sleep tonight.”
She nodded reluctantly. The least she could do was to try to stay out of his way. “Okay. You’re in charge.”
He smiled at her choice of words. “Remember that, Jilly. The next few days could get…difficult. Whatever I tell you to do, you’re going to have to do without question. Got it?”
She knew he was deadly serious in spite of his killer smile. And with three beautiful children to protect, she’d sell her very soul if she had to. Still, he didn’t have to be so cheeky about it.
“Yes, I’ve got it. I’ll belt up for the sake of the mission.” She rose from the end of the couch and was grateful to find her legs much steadier as she crossed the room and opened the bedroom door to check on the boys one last time before bed.
No doubt about it, simply having Luke nearby was soothing. Perhaps it was that aura of invincibility. He exuded confidence, even when things didn’t progress the way he wanted them to. He was just so damn capable. In fact, Luke Gianetti seemed ready for anything. Even the children had picked up on his no-nonsense demeanor. James especially. And they seemed to love him for it. He was easygoing and patient with them. But when he announced it was bedtime, the boys seemed to know intuitively that he wouldn’t tell them a second time.
She, on the other hand, was getting nowhere with James. He challenged her at every turn. Samuel was young enough to still want mothering. But James…he would be a tough nut to crack. Running for their lives wasn’t helping the situation. What he needed in his life was consistency.
For Her Protection Page 11
