“You liar,” I whispered. “You left me, after all. You went to live among the stars without me, and I don’t have anyone to help me be a grownup.”
Mark’s smile faded. His eyes no longer shone with wonder and discovery, but were shadowed, the way they’d been before he died. I knew that, in my selfishness, I was hurting him, but I continued, as if compelled.
“I’ve tried so hard to discover the right answers about life and love on my own,” I said, “but I got it all wrong, and because of that I am here. I’m alone now, without you, or Mother and Daddy, or Aunt Elizabeth, or Clara. I messed up, and you weren’t here to help me.”
I reached out to grab his hand, but he was gone, and I was fully alone. Somewhere in the distance, I heard a scream of anguish.
A sudden, physical jolt woke me from my dream, but the screams continued above the howl of the wind. I was jolted again, and I realized that the door was shaking so hard that the bed was moving. The doorknob rattled fiercely, as if someone were trying to open it. I sat up and grabbed the doorknob, pressing my body against the door in an effort to keep it still. The door stopped shaking as suddenly as it had started, but the wind continued, howling and screeching in a way that almost sounded human. I took my hand off of the doorknob and put my hands over my ears to muffle the sound. I put my head on my pillow, ears covered, and wept with fear.
#
I managed to sleep a little more that night, after the wind had died down, but it was a fitful sleep full of terrible dreams. I got up early, and went to the calefactory to practice piano and distract myself from the dismal feeling my dreams had left me with.
When I arrived, the calefactory was not empty the way it had been the previous morning. James and Alice were sitting and talking, quite near the piano, as though they’d been waiting for me. When I entered, James and Alice looked up and smiled.
“Did you hear the music?” Alice asked mysteriously.
“What music?” I asked.
“Mary was singing again, last night,” James said, laughing. “I actually heard it, this time. I usually sleep right through her performances.”
“I heard it,” Alice said, matching his enthusiasm. “I couldn’t sleep all night.” She seemed almost thrilled by this.
“I wonder who will be leaving?” James wondered aloud.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Every time Mary screams, someone leaves soon afterward. Most graduate the program, but some simply leave. It’s all part of the curse, you see.”
“In that case, I hope I’m cursed!” Alice said.
I attempted to laugh, and sat at the piano as James and Alice talked excitedly about the resident ghost. I played through some exercises, and then played Mephisto Waltz to channel my bad feelings, as well as to entertain James’ and Alice’s love of the macabre.
Chapter 11
Merry
The Empress
“Hurry, Miranda. We have to leave in 15 minutes,” James called through the crowded department store.
I sighed, closed my eyes, grabbed one of the watches I’d been debating between, and took it to the counter to pay. Alice appeared at my side, having somehow wound her way through the crowd, and looked at me solemnly.
“Christmas,” she said for the third time that week, “sucks.”
“Usually, I would disagree with you,” I said. “But this year, Christmas does, indeed, suck.”
“So why are you doing Christmas?” she asked. “You got all dressed up for our stupid outing, you’ve volunteered to help make candy, and you’re buying presents for your traitorous parents.”
“If I stop trying, I’ll just get depressed,” I said.
“Watching you lately has been depressing, Miranda,” Alice said, lowering her voice in a candid way. “I’ve never seen anyone try harder to keep busy than you have been this past month, and it’s all for nothing. You spend all of your time either pouring over those idiotic workbooks that you know by heart, banging away on that dinky piano as though you were performing in Carnegie Hall, or verbally sparring with Dr. Caleb,” she said his name with her customary disgust, “as if you can make him suddenly change his mind about his whole life’s work. What’s the point? You’re just wasting your energy, and I know you don’t have as much energy as you let on. I know that you still aren’t sleeping.”
It was my turn to pay at the register, so I ignored Alice’s comment and exchanged pleasantries with the haggard looking cashier. Alice could be abrasively honest, but her observations were unfailingly accurate, and someone less keen would have been able to see the dark circles under my eyes, or notice how pale and thin I’d become.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked in a gentler voice than usual, as we made our way to the front of the store where I’d last heard James’s voice.
“What is the point in discussing the obvious?” I asked. “I’m homesick, I’m not sleeping, and I’m being told what a loathsome sinner I am every day. I dream about my dead brother almost every night, and I miss Clara more than I can stand. I just try to keep myself busy, and keep my mind occupied, so I don’t have a complete breakdown.”
“You say all of that so calmly that I’m sure you’re on the cusp of a breakdown right now,” Alice observed, and then she paused. “Clara… is that her name?”
“I’ve never mentioned her name, before?” I asked. I was sure I’d said it every day.
“No, you haven’t,” Alice said, and fell into silence.
James was standing at the entrance where I’d last heard him. He waved us over hurriedly.
“Hurry up, slowpokes. We only have five minutes to get back to the van. Plus, I don’t think that Pastor Smith expected he’d have to be group chaperone, today, so he’s bound to be in a terrible mood.”
“I wish Ms. Sweeny had brought us, instead,” Alice said as we started to make our way to the parking lot. “She lets us get away with anything. No matter what I say or do, she just smiles at me and says something upbeat and positive.”
“I think her aunt is sick, or something,” James said. He ran his hand through his hair thoughtfully. “I’m going to have to get her to cut my hair when she comes back, or I’ll get another demerit.”
“It’s ridiculous of them to give you demerits. You’re an adult,” Alice grumbled.
When we made it to the Prodigal Ministries shuttle, we saw Pastor Smith standing in front, waiting impatiently with the rest of the group. He let the others begin boarding as soon as he saw us.
“What took you guys so long?” he asked.
“It’s my fault,” I said quickly. “I couldn’t decide what to buy for my Mother.”
“You made it just in time, so I suppose I’ll overlook your tardiness,” he said. “Did you guys get lost? It was pretty crowded.”
“James got lost,” Grace, who’d been taking her time getting into the van, said. “Miranda and Alice were in Marx’s alone, together. Julian, Chris, and I saw them.”
Alice glared at Grace, but Grace merely smiled innocently in response.
“I told you to stay in groups of three at all times,” Pastor Smith said.
“I’m the one to blame,” James said. “It was too crowded in the store, so I went outside to wait for them.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to give each of you a demerit. Alice, that puts you over five demerits, so you’re on kitchen duty this week.”
Alice swore, and Pastor Smith sighed.
“Would you like another one?” he asked.
“No, I’m sorry,” she grumbled, and got into the van. As we followed, James and I apologized to her, but her wrath was directed at another target.
“Hey, Grace,” she hissed, sitting behind her. “What is your problem?”
“My problem is that you seem to think you’re above the rules,” Grace replied. “Those of us who are actually trying to get better don’t need to be around your bad attitude.”
“My bad attitude?” Alice said. “You’re two-fac
ed.”
“Say what you like, but I only told for your own good.”
“It’s not your place to decide what’s good for Alice,” I interjected.
“Nobody asked your opinion,” Grace said before turning away and ignoring us further.
James, ever the peacemaker, turned to Alice. “Don’t stay mad at Grace. I’m sure she meant well, and it is Christmas. If you want to be mad at someone, be mad at me. The whole thing was my fault.”
“But you make it too difficult to stay mad at you,” Alice said. “You’re too nice, and I have to be mad at someone.”
“Just cheer up, instead,” James said brightly. “We have the next week off, and we get an extra phone call home, tonight.”
“Too bad the phone call is mandatory,” Alice said.
#
Normally, I secretly looked forward to my weekly phone calls to my parents. My longing to speak to them, and to hear the news from home, had quickly overcome my anger toward them. This time, however, I faced my phone call with anxiety, desperate as I was to come up with any method of persuasion to get my parents to allow me to come home.
“You haven’t tried to guess what your father and I got you for Christmas,” Mother said. “You usually have it figured out by now.”
“I cheat,” I replied. “I’ve always been able to find where you’ve hidden the presents. I can’t do that this year, because I’m here,” I said bitterly.
“Well,” she said in an unusually high voice, “is there anything you especially want?”
“A plane ticket home,” I said frankly.
There was only silence as a response, so I continued. “I don’t think it’s too late to get one in time for Christmas.”
“We already discussed this, Miranda,” she said in a softer voice. “Dr. Caleb thinks that it’s best for you to stay over the holidays, since you haven’t been in treatment for very long.”
“I’ve been here for an eternity,” I said, “and nothing has changed. I’m tired and homesick. I miss you and Daddy, and I miss my friends. I want to go home.”
“You just need to be patient,” Mother replied. “If you work hard, and do what Dr. Caleb tells you to do, you’ll be able to come home sooner.”
I thought I detected a small note of doubt in her voice, so I continued.
“Mother, Dr. Caleb himself said that he can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, and I’m happy being who I am. There is nothing wrong with me.”
Mother stammered for a moment, and I thought perhaps she was going to falter, but then she said, “just give the program some more time, Miranda. Don’t give up so easily.”
“Mother, the whole thing is pointless. Please, just let me come home. This is the first Christmas since Mark passed away. I need to be with family. Keeping us apart like this is an insult to his memory.”
As soon as I’d said the words, I wished I could unsay them. They hung in the air, lingering in the silence that followed, hanging over me in a dark cloud of cruelty.
“Mother-“
“We want the family together, too,” Mother said, her voice thick with tears, “but that’s impossible now. Try to be happy. It’s Christmas, and we love you.”
“I love you too, Mother,” I said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-“
“You only said what you felt, Miranda, but still, try to be happy. We all miss Mark, but we need to keep going. It’s what he would have wanted.”
I was unable to speak any more, ashamed of what I had said, so I said my goodbyes and hung up as tears fell down my cheeks.
The door to the office I’d been using to make my call opened, and Pastor Smith peeked in. I bent my head and let my hair fall over my face, hiding my tears.
“Are you finished, Miranda? Your time is up.”
“I’m finished,” I said, not looking up. I could make out a dim reflection of myself in the bright, polished wood of the desk’s surface. I closed my eyes to block the sight of my own face, and tried to will my tears away.
“Miranda, Alice is waiting to make her call,” he said gently.
I nodded, and slowly walked to the door, keeping my face hidden until I had passed Pastor Smith and was in the hallway, alone. I walked down the long, dark hallway to the calefactory, where everyone who’d made their call home was gathering around the seldom-used television to watch a holiday movie. I passed the group quickly, before anyone could see me or try to talk to me, and went outside to the courtyard.
It was a cold and foggy night. The stars were blotted out, and the further I walked from the abbey, the more the lights from the windows blurred until they looked like dull, faraway ghosts. I sat on the rough stone edge of the broken fountain and watched the fog as it grew thicker, until it felt as though the abbey was gone, and I was drifting in a void.
“You may as well get used to being an island,” I told myself, thinking of my cruel words to my mother. I’d lashed out in my loneliness, and I’d made myself more isolated than ever. I felt a pang of regret sharper than the night air.
I was not left in my solitude long, however. After a few moments, I saw two human-shaped shadows making their way toward me through the fog. As they neared, they slowly became more distinct, as though they were forming out of the fog itself. They were very near me before I could distinguish their features well enough to recognize them as Alice and James.
“We were sent to see why you were being ‘unsociable,’ and to get you to come back inside,” James said.
“All I want is a few minutes to collect myself,” I said shakily.
“Alone time is dangerous, Miranda,” Alice said. “If we’re allowed to be alone too often, we might start thinking for ourselves.”
“No, Alice, we need each other. We can help each other with our problems,” James said. “It might help if you talk about it, Miranda.”
“No, it won’t,” I said, “unless you can arrange for me to go home, somehow.”
There was a moment of silence, and then Alice said, “you didn’t really expect your parents to give up, and let you come home for Christmas, did you?”
“I’d hoped,” I admitted. “Mother and Daddy seemed to be relenting when I spoke to them last week. I thought if I just pushed a little, they might change their minds. I pushed too far, though, and I said something I shouldn’t have said. I feel like a louse.”
James sat beside me. “I’m sure they understand that you didn’t mean what you said. You’re just homesick.”
“It doesn’t matter- I went too far. I’m not the only one in my family who’s going to be lonely this Christmas. I’m too selfish.”
“There are times when you have to be selfish, Miranda,” Alice said. “Sometimes, you’re the only person you can rely on.”
“But this isn’t one of those times,” James said. “We can help Miranda.”
“Can you help her get home? That’s all she wants,” Alice said.
“I can’t rely on myself to get home,” I said. “I can’t rely on myself at all. I always seem to sabotage myself, even when I’m careful not to. My situation must really be hopeless.”
A deep voice seemed to come out of the fog, then. “It is selfish to give into despair, Miranda. It’s Christmas. You should make an extra effort to be merry.”
I turned around and saw Dr. Caleb standing casually behind us, as though he’d been there for a while. When Alice saw him, she stepped forward and placed herself between Dr. Caleb and me, almost protectively. She gazed at him with an expression of open loathing.
“Were you spying on us?” she asked with an edge of hostility to her voice.
“I was just making certain that you were all safe,” he said with a smile that, in the cold evening fog, seemed almost sinister.
“And we’re safer with you here?” Alice said skeptically.
“Perfectly safe,” he said. He looked at me and continued to smile. “I could even help you, if you’d let me.”
I was about to answer him, but Alice stepped closer to
me, and said, “I know all about the sort of help you give people, here. Some of your methods leave a lot to be desired.”
“Some of my methods may be unorthodox, but they can be very effective, Alice,” he said. Then he turned, and gestured for us to follow him. “It’s too cold out here. Come inside, and watch the movie.”
James let Alice and Dr. Caleb walk ahead, and whispered to me, “She’s somewhat polite to the other councilors, here. Why does she hate Dr. Caleb so much?”
“I don’t know,” I replied. I wanted to ask Alice, myself, but Dr. Caleb stayed very close the rest of the evening, and even if she’d been at liberty to speak her mind, she seemed unwilling to converse.
#
I tried to speak to Alice several times that week, to ask her about her enmity toward Dr. Caleb, but we were all kept busy with preparations for Christmas, and I was unable to find the time to speak with her alone. We were putting together a nativity play, and Alice, who had shown a natural talent for dancing during our Thursday dance lessons, was tasked with choreographing a dance for the angels to perform, while I played piano accompaniment for the dancers and singers in the play. After these daily rehearsals, I would spend extra time practicing with James, who had a solo in the play.
Then, after we’d finished rehearsing, there were quite a few other activities to do, from baking cookies, to decorating every last inch of the abbey. The boys went into the woods and brought back two huge Christmas trees they had cut down, one for the parlor and one for the calefactory. When they’d finished, they decorated the courtyard with lights, and even built a crèche to display on the lawn.
On Christmas Eve it snowed, and when Christmas morning arrived, the glittering lights that sparkled among the buttresses and reflected in the icicles made the entire abbey look like a fairyland. But even though the abbey was breathtakingly beautiful, and even though there was abundant food, and everyone had a large parcel, sent from home, waiting under the Christmas tree in the calefactory, the general feeling on Christmas morning was morose. Despite the extra effort the staff had expended to create Christmas cheer, most of us were miserable.
Mephisto Waltz Page 20
