by Sky Corgan
“I suppose that's right. Well then, see you around, I guess.” He turned to leave, and it felt like a piece of my heart was going with him.
“Darren,” my voice was strained and desperate.
“Yeah.” He stopped, glancing over his shoulder.
My heart was pounding in my ears as if it was trying to distract my brain from the words I wanted to say. This was a delicate time. If I said what I was thinking, I knew what it would mean. Would I just be setting myself up for more guilt that I couldn't erase?
“What if I said I didn't want you to go,” I forced the words out.
He turned to me, a serious expression on his flawless face. “What if I said I didn't want to go?”
“Then don't go.”
Before he even made it all the way back inside, our lips were pressed together. This time, I reciprocated. Oh God, did I reciprocate. My mouth moved on top of his hungrily, heatedly, needily. It was all I could do to kick the door closed as we wrapped around each other, kissing and touching and groping.
His body was a playground to my hands, exploring him like a blind stranger, lingering on his back and his shoulders. All the while, his lips tasted my skin, moving from my mouth to my cheek and down my neck. I groaned in pleasure, staring up at the ceiling, feeling the weight of the sin I was committing and loving every minute of it. This is how it should have been from the beginning with us. Why hadn't I felt like this the first time?
Darren picked me up and carried me upstairs. Once we were in my room, he tossed me onto the bed, staring down at me as he began unbuttoning his shirt. I decided to speed up the process by working on his pants at the same time. He couldn't help but grin.
When his shirt was off and his pants had fallen down around his ankles, we shifted our attention to undressing me. His hands worked feverishly to strip me of the tank top I was wearing, his lips coming to meet mine as soon as it was over my head. We fell onto the bed together, kissing passionately while he took off my pants.
Moments later, we were both naked, and my mind and heart were fighting an epic battle of morals and willpower. Is this right or wrong? What will happen after this? What if I just hurt him again? What if he hurts me? What about Lawrence? What about Eleanor? What about . . . Oh, fuck it. He's too fucking hot and I need him too fucking bad.
Our bodies collided like waves breaking against rock. We crashed into each other, swirling in the euphoria of our coupling. There was no uncertainty behind his blue eyes. He wasn't the trembling boy I knew before. Darren was all man, confident and experienced.
My parents probably heard me from their graves. The way his tongue and mouth moved over my body, the way his cock thrust inside of me, reaching all of my most sensitive erogenous zones. If I had ever had better sex, I certainly couldn't remember it.
And it seemed to last forever. All of our exhaustion faded when our bodies tangled together. It was like we hadn't even worked that day at all. He pounded on top of me, lifted me up and pressed me against the wall, held my hands hostage while he had his way with me, then when his body finally began to give out, I crawled on top of him and rode him until we both plummeted over the edge of ecstasy.
By the time he groaned out his pleasure, and I stilled on top of him, I was pretty sure we had broken every spring in that mattress. It wasn't even fit for donating now.
“Holy shit,” I panted against his chest.
He let out a contented laugh while affectionately raking his fingers through my hair. All I could feel was sweat and soreness and happy. Satiated wasn't even the right word.
“That was amazing,” I said.
“I'm glad you thought so.”
“What? You didn't?” I crawled over the side of Darren, trapping myself between him and the wall.
“I did, I just don't usually talk about it afterward.” He grinned at me.
“Oh, sorry.”
“No. By all means, inflate my ego.”
“You're a jerkface,” I told him, though there was no malice in my voice. I was sickeningly happy, guiltily happy. I didn't deserve to be this happy, not after what I had done.
“Well, this jerkface hates to fuck and run, but I should probably get going,” he said, sitting up.
I promptly put my hand on his chest and tried to force him back down, but he wouldn't budge. “No,” I complained.
“No?” He quirked an eyebrow at me.
“I said you couldn't go. You're not leaving.”
“Still demanding, I see.”
“Not usually. Just tonight.”
“Just tonight.” The words sounded cold on his lips, but he laid back down anyway, wrapping an arm around me to draw me close.
Just tonight. I laid my head on his chest, remembering the last time we had ended up sleeping naked together in my bed. That time, I had been trying to pretend that I loved him. This time, it was a whole lot easier. Darren brought out something in me that I missed, something that I thought made me a better person. Just for tonight, I would love him, and I would mean it with every fiber of my being. But then I got to thinking, did it really have to be just tonight.
Chapter 8
The doorbell rang in the morning, and I groaned to life. It felt strange waking up next to Darren, but right somehow. Even after all these years, our bodies still fit perfectly together, as if we had grown into each other. I smirked at the thought, then blushed as he yawned and opened his eyes to catch me staring down at him.
“What?” He smiled, hugging me a bit tighter.
“I was just thinking about how glad I am that you're here.”
“I'm glad I'm here too,” he said, smacking his lips sleepily. His just-woke-up face was absolutely adorable. I couldn't resist giving him a quick kiss on the lips, though we both had horrible morning breath.
“Did I hear a doorbell?” he began to say when the doorbell rang again. “Yup. I did.”
“It's probably my Aunt Erica and Uncle Raymond. I'll try to send them off quickly, and then I'll make us some breakfast. I hope you still like pancakes.”
“I do.” He grinned, kissing me again.
I crawled out of bed and dug a robe out of my suitcase. It was so early in the morning, barely even nine o'clock. It annoyed me that they were such early birds, but they always had been.
Hopefully, they were just coming to check on me. I had told them that if I needed help, I would call them. Besides, thanks to Darren, I was way ahead on the packing.
Darren. I smiled to myself as I padded down the stairs, still unable to believe what had happened between us. It was like a dream, a steamy wet dream filled with lust, excitement, and strong emotion. I feared having to wake up from it. What would happen from here? Whether I wanted to or not, I still had to face reality. I had a life to return to with an apartment and a best friend and a job and a . . . boyfriend?
Thinking about Lawrence made me uncomfortable. Even though we weren't in a committed relationship, I felt like I had somehow betrayed him. My need for something more had gotten the best of me, my need for something familiar. Would I even get more out of this fling with Darren, or had I just thrown everything away yet again?
I didn't want to think about it. It was too early to think about it. Perhaps last night's dream could carry over into today. Maybe today I could continue to pretend. Darren and I could play husband and wife. I could make him pancakes, and he could eat them with a smile. Then I'd give him a kiss and send him on his way. And next . . . It was definitely too early to think about what would happen next.
I put on my best you-woke-me-up face and flung open the door, instantly blinding myself with the rays of the rising sun. My eyes quickly refocused, and my heart dropped into my feet as I stared into Lawrence's handsome face. Dear God, no. Not this. Not now.
“Good morning, sunshine,” he said, leaning forward to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Surprised to see me?”
My mind was in a total panic. What was I going to do? I couldn't possibly let him in, not when Darren was upstairs naked in m
y bed. But how could I turn him away? He had driven all the way from Austin to see me.
“Lawrence,” I stuttered, blocking the door, so he couldn't come in. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought I would surprise you. I know you said you didn't need any help, but you've sounded so horrible on the phone the last few times we talked. I figured I would come rescue you. It looks like you got a lot done already.” He looked past me into the house, and I glanced upstairs, hoping and praying that Darren would stay put.
“I um, I appreciate your offer, but I think I've got things pretty well taken care of.”
He gave me a quizzical look. “Are you going to let me in?”
“Sure.” I quickly stepped away from the door. The worst thing I could do was look suspicious.
Hopefully, Darren would be patient enough to stay upstairs until I was able to usher Lawrence out. But how on earth was I going to do that without seeming rude or ungrateful?
“I really would have liked to see this place before,” Lawrence said as he walked around, looking at the bare shelves and walls. “It would have given me a better idea of what your parents were like.”
“I thought we agreed we'd never meet each other's parents.” I came to his side, standing with my back towards the stairs as if I was trying to block them from view.
“I know, but events like this really put things into perspective, you know.”
“Perspective. Yeah.”
“Are you alright?” He turned to me. “Because you're acting kind of weird. Then again, I suppose you would after all you've been through.”
“I'm fine. Really. I just . . . didn't expect you to show up like this.”
“Like I said, I wanted to surprise you. You know, I've been doing a lot of thinking about us lately. There was something I wanted to do on our date the other night, but I didn't get the chance. Of course, this comes first. I understand that. I was going to wait until you came home, but then I realized that life is too short to put off the important things. So, I woke up early this morning and decided to head out here to see you.”
“Tara,” Darren's voice came from the top of the stairs.
If feelings of guilt could kill a person, I would have died on the spot. Every part of me just wanted to disappear. To make things worse, when I turned around, Darren was in nothing but his cut offs. My mouth fell open, as if I was just as shocked to see him standing there as Lawrence was.
You need to do damage control. Now! Before one of them says something.
“Darren,” I forced myself to speak, though I ended up almost choking on his name. “This is Lawrence, a very close friend from Austin. He decided to come by and help me finish up here. It looks like we'll have to take a rain check on breakfast.”
Darren looked down at Lawrence, and I watched them silently assess each other. The wheels were turning. I could see the muscles in Lawrence's jaw tense as he stared up at the shirtless man who returned his gaze without a sense of threat.
“I'll be down in a minute,” Darren said finally, going back to my room to get his shirt.
Lawrence cast a disapproving glance in my direction, and I cowered internally. All happiness had melted from his expression, and I was sure I had guilt written all over my face. I'd never been good at hiding my feelings, and there was no way to explain the fact that I was wearing nothing but a robe and Darren was practically naked as well.
“Your old friend from high school?” the displeasure was clear in Lawrence's voice.
“Yes,” I replied.
Darren reappeared at the top of stairs, fully clothed. He jogged down them as casually as if he was getting ready to greet my mom, then held out his hand to shake Lawrence's.
“Darren, I've heard so much about you,” Lawrence said politely.
“She still talks about me after all these years, huh?” Darren cocked a smile. If it had been any other time, I might have melted from his charm. Right now, I just wanted to melt from the horrible emotions raging through me.
“Not really. I just recognized the name,” his words took a cold turn.
“Lawrence, was it?” There was a strange gleam in Darren's eyes as he spoke. Some silent exchange was happening between them, and it didn't take telepathy to know that they were both slowly figuring each other out. “She never mentioned you.”
The words cut through me like a knife, but I was sure they wounded Lawrence even deeper. As if my betrayal hadn't been bad enough, Darren had to salt the wound. I hated him for it, was silently seething.
“I'm surprised,” Lawrence countered. “We've only been dating for four years.”
Darren didn't even bother to hide his surprise. Now his eyes were on me, and I could see the anger behind them, or was it disappointment.
“Well, I suppose I should be off, then,” he said. “It was fun, Tara. Perhaps I'll catch you again before you leave town.”
“Tell your mom thanks for the pie,” I said as I walked around Lawrence to usher Darren towards the door.
“It was her pleasure.”
Lawrence was watching me like a hawk, and I knew better than to step outside with Darren. It felt like I should say something to him, though I had no idea what. He turned to me, and there was that anger again.
“Call me later,” he said.
“Alright.” I wasn't sure if it was a lie or not. There was too much going on in the present to think about the future.
The door closed, and I felt almost sick. This was not going to be a fun conversation.
“Well, that was unexpected,” Lawrence commented when I rejoined him in the living room.
I kept my head down, feeling like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs. This was me in full submissive mode, waiting to accept my punishment, whatever it might be. The thought of losing Lawrence made me want to die, but I knew I had to be strong. If I was in his shoes, I would cut me loose too.
“I don't know what to say, Lawrence. Honestly.”
He sighed, “Well, there's only one thing I want to know.”
“Ask me anything, and I'll tell you the truth.” My eyes were beginning to water already, but I fought back the tears.
“Did you fuck him?” came the painful question.
“Yes.”
The silence in the room was deafening. My tear ducts surrendered, sending large salty drops streaming down my cheeks. This was the end; I just knew it.
“Say something,” I begged.
“Do you love him?”
“No.” I shook my head.
“That's all that matters, I suppose.”
I was taken aback by his words. What did he mean? Was he actually going to forgive me? For a few moments, I wasn't even sure I had heard him right.
“I'm sorry. Despite what you think, I didn't plan for this or expect it to happen,” I told him.
“You don't need to explain.” He turned to me, his expression sincere, though I could still see some pain behind it. “I understand. You're going through a rough time. He was here for you. I wasn't. This is partially my fault.”
“Your fault? How could this possibly be your fault?” I couldn't believe what he was saying.
“I should have known better than to leave you alone. You may have been afraid to say it, but I know you need me now. Needed me to be at the funeral. You're hurting and vulnerable.
“I've been stubborn, Tara. I know that. I didn't want to integrate you fully into my life because I worried I would lose you if I did. Now I'm losing you because I didn't.”
“Your not losing me,” I cut him off quickly. “He means nothing to me. I swear it to you.”
“I know he doesn't.” Lawrence offered a weak smile before lifting a hand to wipe one of my tears away with his thumb. “I can see it in your face.”
I wondered what else he saw there. Guilt that spanned almost a decade. Uncertainty that my life was going in the right direction. Confusion about what I really wanted.
“I'm going to stay with you and help you finish up here,”
he told me. “We'll get this done, then we'll go back home and work on changing things.”
“That sounds good,” I replied softly.
The rest of the day was awkward. We tackled my parents' bedroom together, though the progress was slow. Then we moved on to the garage. I couldn't help but be impressed by how Darren seemed to know exactly where each item should go. Donate. Keep. Throw away. Lawrence, on the other hand, didn't have a clue. Then again, the garage used to be my father's domain, and Lawrence knew nothing of my father, nor did he know much about tools. In truth, Lawrence wasn't much of a handyman. When something broke around the house, he'd call someone to come fix it. Darren, on the other hand, even though he had grown up with money, had taken the time to learn to do things himself . . . had taken the time by allowing my father to teach him, by helping him work on the car or to build the deck that we had spent so many summer afternoons sitting on and drinking lemonade with my mom. Good memories. Happy memories. Memories that were bringing me to tears just by thinking about them.
“What's wrong?” Lawrence asked when he saw me crying again.
“Nothing.” I wiped my face with the back of my hand. “Going through all this stuff just gets to me, you know.”
“I know it's not easy. Do you want to break for lunch? We could go out and get something.”
Just the mention of leaving the house made me tense. The past seemed like it was right outside the door, waiting to attack me again. It was better to stay here.
“If you could go to the store to get some bread, I could make us sandwiches,” I offered. “I think there's still lunch meat and cheese in the fridge.”
“I'd rather go out.”
“And I'd rather not,” I said firmly, then immediately felt bad for it. After being caught with Darren, being a bitch was the last thing I should be doing.
“Fine. It's fine. I'll go to the store,” Lawrence surrendered wearily.
“Thank you,” I replied quietly. “I'd just like to stay here and work on this some more. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we can go home.”
“At this rate, I think we'll be done by tomorrow.”
