by Nicole Casey
There was a fragrant flower garden that was alive with color and delicious aromas at this time of year. Around the flowers were a series of shrubs that closed off the area, giving it a feeling of complete privacy that was perfect for those moments when I needed to get away from the world.
No-one else ever came out here. In fact, in all the years of running the clinic, the only other person I had ever seen here was the friendly, silent gardener who came along once every couple of weeks to tidy it up.
Janie was sitting on the beautiful wooden bench from Japan where I had spent so many hours thinking about work and life in general. It felt weird to see someone else out here but it also felt right too.
Janie was bent over and I could tell that she was still crying. I felt terrible, as it was completely my fault for rushing her into a job that she wasn’t ready for yet, and for having barged in on her in the changing room earlier.
It seemed like an eternity that I stood there looking at her. Her blue nurse’s uniform was crumpled and her hair had fallen messily over her face.
I can now admit that I was torn in two that day. I desperately wanted to rush over to her and hold her. She needed comforting and I needed to feel the warmth of her body against mine.
On the other hand, I was scared. My life had become very safe and predictable lately. As soon as Janie had appeared in my life things started to spiral out of control. I had made more crazy decisions in the last 24 hours than in the whole of the previous year.
Did I want that? Was I ready to give up my self-control and my comfortable lifestyle for the thrills of forbidden passion with a nurse I barely knew?
The setting was perfect and we were both in highly emotional states.
I had felt a spark between us earlier; there was no doubt about it. But had I ruined it with my recent foolish behavior? Maybe she would deliver the most crushing rejection of my life if I ran to her now.
She looked up at and I felt more confused than ever before. Her soft eyes were pleading with me to go to her and I felt more aroused than I had been in years. Yet, something about this wasn’t right. Should I ignore what the common sense part of my brain was screaming out at me?
What if someone saw us here? What if I scared her off by coming on too strong and too soon?
I slowly took a step towards Janie and saw how she was now completely still, waiting for my next move.
It was now or never.
5
Janie
I hadn’t found the Doctor’s secret garden retreat by accident. The truth was that I had seen him go out there after lunch the previous day and was intrigued as to what he was up to.
Without even thinking about it I had rushed out of the operating theater and out to the garden. I felt strangely comforted as I entered the private little world that Frank had built out here.
The smell of exotic flowers filled my head and I could hear running water so I guessed there was a fountain around the corner. I sat down heavily on a beautifully ornate bench and put my head in my hands.
Of course, I wanted him to find me. What I wasn’t sure about was what I wanted to happen next.
Was I hoping to be forgiven for doing a bad job or did I hope he would scold me? The physical attraction between us was clear but we needed to clear up the issues about how horribly my first important task had gone before we could think about going any further.
Had he lost faith in me?
I was also confused about my own reaction when he had walked into the changing area earlier. It was a strange thing for him to so but I had overreacted because I was nervous. He walked in on me undressed when I wasn’t ready yet and it had spooked me out a bit.
He didn’t seem like the sort of man who normally did that kind of thing, so I guessed that it was a sign that he wanted to move our relationship on to a physical level.
It was a shock to look up and see Frank standing there looking at me. He looked upset and seemed to lack the usual composure that made him who he was.
He took a couple of faltering steps towards me and I stood up. It was clear that neither of us knew what to do next and was waiting on the other doing or saying something.
We probably only stood and looked at each other for a minute or so, but it felt like hours.
“I’m sorry, Frank. I screwed up.”
“It was my fault, Janie. I rushed you into your first big job way too soon. Also, I shouldn’t have walked in on you getting changed.”
“I really wanted to impress you.”
“I wanted to impress you too.”
“Are you going to fire me now?”
Frank laughed and visibly relaxed a little.
“No way. I need you here now.”
“Even though I’m not the world’s best nurse yet?”
“You will be. We can do amazing things together.” He stopped, as though he wanted to go on but had to measure his words very carefully.
Astonishingly, I made the first move for the first time in my life.
I rapidly moved towards him so there was no time to change my mind. I put my head on his shoulder and it felt good. I didn’t know where to put my hands but ended up sliding them up his back to his shoulders. It felt good to touch his strong back and feel protected by him.
He was stiff and immobile at first. Had I just made the biggest mistake of my life? He probably just came out to talk about work matters and here I was running my hands all over him.
I was thinking about how to slink away in shame when I felt a hand caress my hair. Slowly and tentatively it ran down to the back of my neck.
I snuggled into him closer and felt the warmth of his body next to mine. Our bodies just seemed to fit together so well that it seemed natural to be with him like this.
My hands went down a bit lower and I heard him sigh.
It then all happened so suddenly. His hands went round to the front of my uniform and slowly started popping open the buttons of my uniform. I did nothing to resist, even though I was worried that someone might see us.
All I had on under the new blue uniform was the most delicate and prettiest white underwear that I owned. Daisy had cheekily advised me to wear my best underwear that morning and while I had laughed her off, that is exactly what I had done. In fact, for once I was one step ahead of her, as I had bought this brand new lingerie yesterday after work.
As he slipped the straps of my bra over my shoulders I shocked myself by running my hands down to his slim waist audaciously. He was very, very aroused so I opened his zip and loosened his belt.
Frank was now all over my breasts, kissing and nuzzling me like a possessed man. The sense of a connection between us was incredible. I had never felt anything like this with a man before. Everything now made sense.
He pushed me roughly to the ground behind a large shrub and I let out a little gasp. His hands were now sliding down the silky new thong I had bought yesterday, just as I had imagined when I put it on this morning. It finally reached my ankles and I kicked it away into the shrubs.
My hands ran over his strong, hairy chest while he bent over me. I needed a powerful, protective man like him in my life and this felt so good.
I was gasping for air as he moved rhythmically over me while I let my hands explore every inch of his body. He was in far better shape than any younger man I had ever touched – which were few in number, to be honest – and it was clear that he knew exactly what to do when alone with a woman.
I wrapped my legs around his waist and sensed that he simply couldn’t hold on much longer before exploding. The power surged through me and I felt capable of doing anything at the moment. I was a wild, desirable woman who could captivate a rich, successful man like this.
“Doctor Sanchez!” The spell was broken. I took one last look at his olive skin as he quickly pulled up his trousers and buttoned his shirt.
“Doctor Sanchez?” The voice was closer now and it clearly belonged to Heidi. What did she want that couldn’t have waited a few minutes longer?
<
br /> Frank went to see her while I hid under the shrubs and tried to fix my clothing. I had to spend a few seconds looking for my underwear but found it eventually.
I heard them talk for a minute and then Heidi came round the corner, apparently to look at the flowers without knowing that I was there.
My clothes were now fixed, just in time, and I tried to walk around the shrub to the door without her noticing me.
“Ah, Janie. I didn’t realize you were there.”
“Uh huh.”
“Oh, were you here with Doctor Sanchez?” She looked me up and down as a thought seemed to slowly pop into her head... “Oh dear, he’s done it again, hasn’t he?” She shook her head from side to side.
“Done what?” Why did I fall into her trap and ask the question that she so obviously wanted me to ask?
“The doctor has something of a…reputation for taking advantage of new nurses here.” She shook her head sadly again. “I’m so sorry. I thought it might be different this time.”
The receptionist walked away and I felt my head spinning wildly. Was she telling the truth? Was I simply the latest in a long line of silly nurses to have crawled around in those shrubs looking for her discarded underwear?
I looked down at myself. I had felt like the most beautiful and powerful woman in the world a few minutes ago but now I felt small and insignificant. Frank Sanchez was rich, handsome, and famous enough to be with any woman he wanted.
Why would he be with me for anything other than a cheap, easy fling? And to think that I had built up my hopes of a serious, lasting relationship with this man, who was nothing more than someone who looked for innocent and naïve young women to take advantage of.
How many times had he unbuttoned a nurse’s uniform in this secret garden before he had done it to mine? He probably only designed this place to lure his new nurses in here knowing that they would be turned on by the setting and by being close to such a powerful man.
I should have known what kind of man he was when he had deliberately walked in on me getting dressed that morning. He only wanted cheap thrills from naïve women who looked up to him as some sort of guru.
I rushed in to change out of my uniform and cursed my foolishness for having spent a fortune on the best underwear I could find and that I could barely afford. He must have seen so many dozens of far more expensive pieces of lingerie in the past that he barely noticed mine in his rush to satisfy his needs.
With one last look at the clinic, I headed home. My first job and first time falling in love had added up to an utter disaster.
6
Frank
I just couldn’t work out why Janie had disappeared from the clinic. I thought she had enjoyed our secret moment together out in the grounds but maybe I was wrong. Did she still bear a grudge against me for the dressing room incident?
It had been so long since I had allowed myself to get close to a woman that I didn’t know what to do. Should I call her or run round to her house to plead with her? Was it time to be patient and wait for her to come to me?
Having tasted her delights I couldn’t just leave it there. When I closed my eyes all I could see was the smooth skin on her thighs I slipped her underwear down, followed by her glorious breasts swaying temptingly in front of me.
She had got under my skin and I didn’t know what to do about it. I canceled the rest of my appointments and went for a drive.
Pavarotti was singing one of my all-time favorite songs. The haunting lyrics talked about looking out at the immense sea and calling out to the person whom he wasn’t sure was even there at the other side. Instinctively, I headed for the sea as well.
It felt good to have the sun on my face again. I headed eventually to the long, sandy beach where I had spent so many hours recently.
It suddenly struck me that my favorite places and pastimes these days were all about being alone. I used to be a very sociable guy but now it seemed that I was becoming a recluse who was trapped in a world that was getting smaller every day.
The arrival of Janie into my life had promised to change all of that but now she was gone. I had been starting to loosen up and laugh more but now I was back to being grumpy and short-tempered again.
Two full days had passed since Heidi had disturbed us in the grounds. I had asked the receptionist and the rest of the staff but no-one knew anything about what Janie had done afterwards. Had my impulsiveness caused me to lose her forever?
Janie’s cell phone was switched off and no-one answered her home phone. Had I come on too strong too quickly for her? Maybe I should have talked to her and soothed her rather than rushing straight onto ripping off her clothes.
I threw a flat stone out onto the calm sea and watched it skip across the surface 4 or 5 times before disappearing out of sight. Going to the beach had always given me the freedom to think but the vastness and mysteries of the ocean tended to cause a sense of melancholy to fall over me as well.
The sun was starting to lower itself into the horizon and I pulled my jacket around me as it began to get chilly. A cruise liner had passed by near to the coast a few minutes ago and its wake was now causing waves to splash up around me with growing intensity.
The expensive leather shoes I had bought in Florence last year were getting wet but I didn’t care. My life had suddenly regained its meaning when I had met Janie but now I was alone and lost again.
The cruise liner was lost in the distance now and I found myself imagining the life of the people on it as they sailed from one city to another. Maybe I had done something similar by drifting through life without putting down any roots.
Sure, I had seen opportunities to get married and settle down come and go. It had just never seemed like I met the right woman at the right time. Not once in my life had I been tempted to look at engagement rings or view the person by my side as a potential life partner.
Maybe I was too demanding on other women, just as I was too demanding on myself at work. I had built a comfortable life for myself and I had always looked for a woman who would slot into it without disturbing it or forcing me to make even the smallest change.
As the last light of the day faded, it became clear to me that I had to change if I wanted to win Janie back. Well, I had no idea if she wanted me to win her back or if I ever truly had her in the first place.
However, I knew that meeting her and falling in love with her – I could finally admit it to myself – had changed my perspective. I didn’t need a woman to add to my life like an accessory or a cherry on top of a cake. Instead, I needed one who would shake me up and make me do different things.
She could add light and laughter to my days, as well as passion.
Was I capable of doing this after a lifetime of feeling in control and of doing whatever I felt was right? I simply didn’t know.
“Lost in your thoughts, eh?”
I barely heard the voice over the sound of the waves. In fact, there was a good chance that the old man walking the dog had been speaking to me for a few minutes and I hadn’t realized.
“Yes, I came here to think alone and it’s working.” Not too subtle but I expected that the message to leave me alone would get through.
The dog walker was now standing still and showed no signs of moving on. We looked out to the dark sea together in silence.
“Woman problems, I would guess.”
I was starting to get irrationally irritated by the man who had disturbed my peace. I was tempted to give a curt reply and walk away but something made me stop.
My mother had once told me that at the lowest points in life someone always appears to help you out. Like an angel in human form or some sort of divine intervention, I guess. All you have to do is open up and let them show you the way forward.
Making a real effort to open up I told the guy that his guess wasn’t far off the mark.
“I knew it. I would recognize that look a mile off. Been through some women problems myself too.”
“Sorry to hear that.”
“If I had known then what I know now, eh?”
“What? What do you know now that you didn’t know earlier?”
He shrugged and threw a flat stone out to sea like I had done earlier. The competitive streak in me made me strain my eyes to see if he had got it to skip more than mine.
“To follow my heart, I guess.”
“You didn’t follow your heart? I’m in danger of making the same mistake.”
For just about the first time in my life I was discussing my deepest emotions with a stranger. With anyone. It felt good to show my vulnerable side and look for help.
“I lost her.” He was looking out to sea and was gripping the dog leash more tightly.
“I’m sorry.”
He started walking away across the sand.
“Don’t make the same mistake, buddy.”
I lost sight of him quickly and was soon doubting whether he had even existed. Had a lone dog-walker just opened up to me on his greatest disappointment in life before disappearing into the night?
Maybe I had imagined him and was only thinking about the advice that I knew deep down. It was what I had always known but never acted on, wasn’t it? I had always been too busy playing the part of the rich and successful doctor who didn’t need anyone else when the truth was that I needed someone just as much as anyone else did.
It didn’t really matter. The advice was sound, regardless of whether it was from a stranger or from my own heart.
The only doubt was whether I had the courage to turn it into reality. I was far from sure about this but I sure as heck had to give it a try or I would live to regret it.
7
Janie
How cruel it felt to taste the sweetest sensations in life only to have them taken away from me so quickly.
I could still feel Frank’s fingers on my skin and smell his subtle perfume. Life had seemed so exciting and full of endless possibilities when I had been by his side.
