When there is no response, I push the door open. “Thaddeus.”
Jerking his head up from the pillow, Thaddeus falls off the bed with a thump and curse words fly out of his mouth. Untangling from his blanket, he stands and glares at me. “What? Jeez, I think I broke my pinky finger.”
His foul, sour whiskey breath makes me want to gag but I swallow it down as to not offend him. “Rene is on her way with Chinese food.”
Thaddeus nods and picks up a shirt from the floor, slipping it over his head. I hope it’s clean, or at least semi-clean. On the other hand, with his nasty dragon breath, no one will be able to discern whether his shirt has an odor.
Descending the stairs, I still expect to see my mom sitting on the sofa or hear her singing in the kitchen. My heart sinks when neither of those happen. She is not here. I knew she wouldn’t be but I still had to look for her. The pain that her absence causes, shreds my heart into a million pieces. One by one, those pieces of my heart float away to the ends of the earth, leaving a frigid void in the center of my chest.
I’m slowly losing pieces of myself and unlike humpty dumpty, no one can put me back together. This darkness is swimming in my veins and corroding my soul, luring me further away from life.
How much longer before I am lost forever?
Knock. Knock.
Before I can make my way around the kitchen island, the backdoor swings open. Boxes weigh down Rene’s arms and a white plastic bag dangles from her fingertips. By the looks of it, she bought enough food to feed an army.
She kicks the door shut and carefully sets the boxes of food on the countertop. “Hey, sweetheart,” she says as she looks up at me.
Sweet and spicy permeates the air, drawing me closer to the boxes lining the countertop. Sadly, I don’t remember the last time I had food that smelled this wonderful, not counting Eryc’s cooking this morning. My mom is usually working and Thaddeus and I normally just order a pizza for dinner.
Eryc emerges from behind me and immediately pulls down plates and glasses from the cupboards. Thaddeus grabs a coke from the fridge, kisses Rene on the top of her head, and sits on a barstool across from me. Though I can smell toothpaste, sour whiskey still lingers on his breath.
Ugh, that’s so gross.
I watch as everyone moves about, filling plates that are nearly overflowing with food. Dark liquid streams into a glass near me. The bubbles float to the top and pop, leaving splatters on the rim, much like my lively essence leaving my soul and splattering into oblivion.
Eryc’s finger brushes against my hand and I automatically move back a step. It’s a reflex and I don’t mean anything by it but when I look at him, his eyes show the hurt that I caused but he is quick to cover that hurt with a smile.
Why must I be so damaged?
Ceramic scratches the granite countertop when he slides a plate toward me. “Here ya go, Kay.”
Orange chicken, fried rice, broccoli, chow mein, and egg rolls cover the plate. The heavenly aroma wafts toward me and I inhale. It smells delicious and my mouth instantly waters. I can’t even remember the last time I ate Chinese food. Two, three years ago maybe.
Picking up an egg roll and dipping it in the sauce from the orange chicken, I bite into it. Flavor burst on my tongue, orange mixed with vegetables from the egg roll, reminding me of happier times.
A time when I was carefree and enjoyed life.
Two weeks. Two long and dreadful weeks since my mother had her car accident. The doctors still have her sedated due to the massive swelling in her brain. Most of what they say I don’t understand, even when they try to explain the medical terms, I am still at a loss. All I know is that the swelling in her brain has decreased but they need to see more improvement before they can ease up on the sedative.
During the day, while Eryc is at school, I stay at the hospital. The bruising on mom’s face has faded to a dull yellow. I don’t know what to say to her so I just sit next to her bed and hold her hand. Sometimes I read to her and other times I just play music from my phone’s playlist.
Our school counselor met with us the Monday following mom’s accident and offered to have our school work, along with power points, emailed to us each day so that Thaddeus and I can take the time we need to be here for our mom.
We print off our assignments, view the power points, and scan the completed paperwork so we can email it back to the school. It’s fairly easy and whatever I need help with, Eryc has been gracious enough to explain to me.
Yes, he has been by my side every single day since that horrible night. Thank God for that because he has been my anchor in this terrible storm.
Little by little, I have watched as Thaddeus slips deeper and deeper into depression. He doesn’t look at me longer than necessary and I think it’s because every time he sees me, he can only see my secret. I know he thinks differently about me now that he knows.
He is never home when I am unless he is sitting in his room working on his homework. I know the reason for his elusiveness, he can’t get past that massive secret of mine and it is driving a wedge between us, just like I knew it would. Just like I know it will between Eryc and me should he ever discover what I have been hiding.
Ding dong.
I glance at my cell phone. 5:30pm. Football practice is done for the day. Thaddeus blows out a puff of air, tosses his pencil on the table, and stalks from the kitchen. The creak of the front door testifies to its need of some WD-40. There is a moment of silence, then footsteps echo through the hallway.
Eryc emerges with two plastic bags in hand. “It’s nothing fancy, just tacos and burritos.” He sets the bags on the kitchen island and arranges the food in neat stacks on the countertop.
This has become the norm. Eryc delivering food every day after football practice and cleaning up before heading home in the evening. I have come to depend on him, probably more than I should.
Once mom is released and back home, his time here will decrease, or it will cease all together.
I don’t think I will ever be ready for that to happen. Now that I have had Eryc back in my life, I can’t imagine not having him around.
Abandoning my homework on the table, I join Thaddeus and Eryc at the island. Axe body wash greets my nose when I sit on the barstool next to Eryc. After each practice, he smells heavily of this soap and I happen to enjoy this particular scent on him.
Eryc slides a nacho cheese taco toward me. He knows me well, I love nacho cheese flavor. Comfortable silence surrounds us, apart from taco shells crunching and Coke fizzing.
It’s moments such as these when my life feels somewhat normal. Sour cream coats the corner of my mouth as I take a bite. Poking my tongue out, I quickly swipe it away before either of them can see.
The rage in my stomach eases as I finish my first taco, I hadn’t even realized how hungry I was until the first bite of food hit my stomach. I reach for a second taco when the doorbell chimes.
Both boys glance toward the hallway but neither of them move. Unwrapping the taco, I stand and make my way toward the front door, munching on the crunchy awesomeness as I go.
Knock, knock. Knock, knock.
Ding dong. Ding dong.
Jeez, anxious much?
“I’m coming, sheesh.” Unlocking the door, I swing it open. My half-eaten taco hits the floor, splattering lettuce, tomatoes, meat, and sour cream on the welcome mat.
My worst nightmare is standing on the other side, hands in his pockets and wearing a dangerous grin.
Brandt.
“Hey, Makayla.” He leans a hip on the doorframe. “I haven’t seen you at school lately. What’s up, sweet thang?”
“Um.” I squat down before his hand can touch me and start scooping spilled taco into the wrapper. Pieces of lettuce remain on the mat along with some smeared sour cream. I will have to scrub that later.
When I stand, he takes a step forward, crossing the threshold. “I’ve missed you.” His hand raises and his fingers brush along my jaw. “Where have you been?”
“Here.” If he doesn’t already know about my mom’s accident, I sure as heck don’t plan on informing him. “You need to leave.”
Heavy footsteps thud on the hardwood floor, growing louder with each step. Before I can look to see who is behind me, a hand grips my arm, dragging me backward.
Thaddeus jambs his finger in Brandt’s chest. “What are you doing here?”
“Dude, chill.” Brandt brushes Thaddeus’s hand away. “I was just talking to Makayla.”
Thaddeus takes a step forward and Brandt takes a step back. “Well, she’s not talking at the moment.”
“Dude, what is wrong with you?” Brandt looks mildly wounded.
Red creeps up my brother’s neck, I can’t see from my position but I would guess that redness settles in his cheeks as well. His spine straightens and his fists clench.
Oh man, he is extremely angry.
Taking another step forward, Thaddeus jams his finger in Brandt’s chest. Hard. “Just leave.”
“And if I don’t?”
Thaddeus’s shoulders square and his feet brace for a fight. “Leave or I will make you leave.”
“Makayla?” Brandt calls my name but my focus is on the back of my brother’s neck where the red is deepening. I don’t answer. “Makayla, for crying out loud, get your lunatic of a brother off me.”
A shove to Brandt’s chest pushes him down the porch steps and Thaddeus slams the door, locking the deadbolt faster than lightning.
Chapter Sixteen
Eryc
Thaddeus leans sideways to see down the hallway. Eyes wide and a scowl on his face, he stands and marches toward the front door.
What was that about?
I stand and follow after him. Brandt is caressing Makayla’s cheek and Thaddeus jerks her behind him with enough force she stumbles. His actions baffle me because I don’t understand why he would behave so irrational.
Thaddeus jams his finger into Brandt’s chest. “What are you doing here?”
“Dude, chill.” Brandt brushes the offending hand away. “I was just talking to Makayla.”
Moving to stand next to Makayla, I notice she is fisting her hands to the point they are stark white.
What am I missing here?
Thaddeus takes a step forward, forcing Brandt to take a step back. “Well, she’s not talking at the moment.”
Brandt looks wounded but there is something in his eyes that betray his wounded expression. “Dude, what is wrong with you?”
At Brandt’s words, red tints Thaddeus’s neck and his shoulders stiffen. Makayla’s brother is angry, that much is apparent. “Just leave.”
“And if I don’t?”
Judging by Thaddeus’s posture, I would say he is two seconds away from decking Brandt square in the jaw. “Leave or I will make you leave.”
“Makayla?” Brandt calls out but her focus is on her brother. She is completely ignoring the guy who was just caressing her cheek like a lover. “Makayla, for crying out loud, get your lunatic of a brother off me.”
A puff of air leaves Thaddeus before he shoves Brandt in the chest, pushing him over the edge of the porch. As soon as Brandt tumbles down the steps with a grunt, Thaddeus slams the door and locks the deadbolt in record time.
Spinning on his heel, Thaddeus gazes at Makayla with concern. “You okay?”
She nods her head but her eyes are downcast.
Starting for the stairs, Thaddeus looks back, meeting my gaze. “I’m leaving. He,” he points at the door, where Brandt was just standing, “is not allowed to talk to her.”
Confusion settles over me. Not allowed to talk to her? Why not? I feel like I have just entered the Twilight Zone. What in the world is going on and why isn’t Thaddeus giving any explanations?
“Okay.” I want to ask why, but the hard lines marring his forehead and the set of his shoulders quiet the questions brewing in my brain.
Crinkling paper draws my attention to Makayla’s hands. Unfurling her hand, the taco wrapper sits in a tight ball with taco remains spilling from its creases. It’s now that I see her tear streaked face and trembling form.
Something isn’t right. What happened between her and Brandt?
“Kay?” I take her trembling hands in mine and she makes a mewling sound in the back of her throat and her body stiffens. Then before I can inquire, she’s gone, running up the stairs two at a time. This reaction hits me in the gut. She is shutting me out and I don’t know why.
What just happened?
Thaddeus jogs down the stairs, keys jingling from his fingers. “Stay and keep an eye on her until I get back.”
Like I would leave her home alone after what I just witnessed. “Will do.”
The sour cream and bits of lettuce on the welcome mat catch my eye. This must be why she had a squished taco in her hand, apparently, she had dropped it. I get a wet rag and a plastic bag then set about cleaning the welcome mat. There are a few grease spots that will most likely not come out but I will do my best.
While scrubbing the mat, I cast a few glances over at the staircase, hoping to see Makayla descending, but there is no sign of her. When I’m done, I rinse the rag in the sink then set it on the washing machine to dry. When I come back to the entry room, there is still no sign of Makayla. No noise of any kind to indicate that she is still here.
Obviously, she needs a minute to collect herself so I will leave her be. Sitting on the bottom step, I lean back against the wall and wait. However long it takes for her to collect herself, I will remain here.
Chapter Seventeen
Makayla
I have been sitting on my bed for the last three hours, staring at the Divergent poster that is pinned to the wall. In some ways, Eryc has become my Four. I would not have survived these last two weeks without him. It may sound odd, but his presence alone gives me the strength to just be. With him in my life, my pain is somewhat bearable. Suicide has not had a stronghold on my thoughts in several days.
Don’t get me wrong, those thoughts creep in but they do not weigh me down like they once did. Well, that was until Brandt showed up and stirred the pot.
Now every ounce of self-loathing I had shoved away is brimming on the surface again. Thanks a lot universe. I really appreciate that. For the last three hours, I have been sitting here reliving my summer.
Reliving my worst nightmare.
Will there ever be a day when I feel normal again? Will this pain ever go away? Or will I just rot away like a corpse and never find true happiness again?
The muscles in my palm begins to cramp and I loosen my grip on the taco-filled wrapper. Lettuce falls from my open hand, landing on the plush carpet. I dash the tears from my cheeks with my free hand and stand.
“I wonder if Eryc is still here or if he decided to get as far away from my craziness as possible.” My words echo in the stillness of my room.
I wouldn’t blame him if he left and never came back. A guy like him does not need a broken fruitcake like me.
Tossing the mangled taco in the trash, I brush my hands on my jeans and head for the stairs. I am so busy glancing over the railing to see if Eryc is in the living room that I don’t see him on the bottom step, propped against the wall, sound asleep.
Until it’s too late.
My foot catches under his bent leg and I fall forward, landing on my hands and knees.
Oh, God. How embarrassing. Please open a hole under me and let oblivion take me into the darkness, never to be seen again.
“Kay, are you alright?” Fabric rustles as he stands.
Embarrassment overwhelms me and I imagine it coats my face a bright crimson. I feel like an idiot and I can’t bear to lift my head to see his face. When his black chucks stop inches from my hands, I groan. Shutting my eyes tight, I pray for time to rewind.
When I open my eyes again, his chucks are still in place but along with those, his knees are also in my view.
He is squatting next to me and his calloused hand cups my face. “Kay, please
look at me.”
I shake my head. There is no way I can face him after my klutzy tumble.
“Kay?” he urges. His fingers shift, sliding along my cheek to the underside of my chin. Gently, he lifts my head. “Are you okay?”
Tears well up in my eyes, my pride is wounded. I try to keep my voice from trembling but I fail miserably. “I’m okay.”
“You fell, pretty hard. Are you sure you’re okay?” He looks me over as if he suspects I’m lying. Which I am, my knees are aching but it’s nothing I can’t handle. “Come on, we can finish dinner. The tacos may be a little soggy by now but the burritos should be fine.”
His goofy expression brings a smile to my face. “Nothing like a soggy taco.” Taking his offered hand, I allow him to pull me to my feet. On the way to the kitchen, I look around for Thaddeus.
As if reading my mind, Eryc says, “He hasn’t come back yet.”
Most likely out drinking himself into a coma. Does he not see that I am hanging on by a thread here? His drinking escapades only add to my guilt and turmoil. “He’s probably out drowning in a bottle of Jack Daniels.”
Eryc’s gaze softens. “I’m sorry.” Wrapping his arm around me, he gives me a half hug before pulling out a chair at the kitchen table. “I’ll bring the food over. Do you want Coke or tea?”
The kindness he continually shows me is astounding. He has never shown his frustrations or abandoned me when I have freak-out moments and draw into myself. “Tea, thanks.”
He smiles then leaves to gather the food and drinks. When he returns to the table we eat in silence. It’s a comfortable silence and we pass a smile here and there as we eat. Two tacos and a burrito later, a metallic taste coats my tongue and the back of my throat. My breathing comes in quick pants and saliva fills my mouth.
Eryc jumps from his chair and grabs the trashcan, setting it in front of me. “Jeez, Kay, are you sure you’re okay?” He squats to peer into my eyes. “Did you hit your head when you fell?”
“No.” I inhale and hold it.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Pieces of Me Page 7
