No, I’m not ready.
“Yeah, I’m ready.”
The hinges on the door creek as she opens it. Rene offers me a kind smile, one I return. If there is anyone on this planet I trust to see me in all my glory, it’s Rene.
Just when I think I can do this, a petite nurse in a light pink uniform walks in.
My smile fades and my stomach goes back to doing backflips. I glance from the nurse to Rene. “Do we have to do this with an audience?”
Rene sits on a stool, rolls over to me, and pats my hand. “Honey, this is Nurse Shelly. She’s here to assist me.”
Nurse Shelly grabs a pair of gloves from the box on the wall and smiles at me with understanding as she puts them on her hands. “Don’t worry, sweetie, I’m only here to assist and be a witness.” She hands a pair of gloves to Rene.
The vinyl gloves stretch over Rene’s hands like a second skin. With each passing second, fear coils around my heart, constricting the pumping organ until I grow lightheaded. If only a hole would form under me so I could fall into oblivion, that would be great. Tears blur my vision and when I blink they trail down my face. Salty wetness seeps between my lips and I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.
Nurse Shelly pulls a small tube out of the cabinet. After arranging several items on the tall metal tray, she comes to stand at my side. “Go ahead and lie back.” She hands me a tissue to dry the tears from my face. “Relax, you’re going to be just fine.”
Relax?
I never would have thought there would be a time when that word was foreign to me. I can’t remember the last time I was able to truly relax. Everything makes my skin crawl. Every noise startles me. Some days I wonder if I will ever be normal again.
The wheels of Rene’s stool grind against the tile when she stands. “Okay, Makayla, the first thing I’m going to do is check your breasts.” Sliding her hands under my gown, her fingers press on either side of my right breast, moving in circular motions. In less than a minute she is done and switches to the left side to repeat the action. It feels weird to have someone else touching this part of my body.
Once she finishes examining my breasts, she walks to the foot of the exam table that I’m lying on and adjusts these metal foot things.
The metal contraptions are kind of scary looking and I’m uncertain about this next part of the exam.
Adjusting a large lamp, she points to the metal foot things. “You’re doing great, Makayla. Now I want you to put your feet in these stirrups.”
I do as she instructs. The metal is cold and uninviting.
Rene sits on her stool and says, “Slide as close to the edge as you can. I’ll make this as quick and painless as possible.”
I scoot down until my backside feels as if it will fall off the table. Rene lifts the cheap paper that is coving my most private parts and flips the switch to the gigantic lamp, shining the bright light right between my legs.
Shutting my eyes tight, I pray she hurries. This is the most humiliating thing I have ever had to endure.
The sound of paper ripping draws my attention to my right. Nurse Shelly hands Rene a long Q-tip then pats my hand with her gloved one. “We’re almost done, hun.” A few short minutes later and Rene hands the Q-tip back to nurse Shelly, who puts it in a plastic tube.
Flipping the light off, Rene stands. “Shelly, can you run and get that ultrasound machine for me?”
“Sure thing.” Nurse Shelly squeezes my hand before walking to the far corner of the room to fetch the portable machine.
The wheels rattle as she rolls it over toward me. Once she has it situated, she begins turning knobs and pushing buttons. The screen on the machine lights up and a black and white image appears.
“It’s ready.” Nurse Shelly slips a cover on the wand-like device and hands it to Rene.
“Okay, sweetie, this is an ultrasound.” Rene points to the black and white screen. “It will show us the baby.”
All air whooshes from my lungs when I realize what is about to happen. This baby will be showcased on that screen. Tilting my head back, I stare up at the ceiling. The last thing I want to do is look at this tiny creation. I know that makes me sound like a heartless witch but I can’t look. My heart might be comprised if I even glance at it, and the last thing I want is to feel anything for a baby created out of selfish greed.
The wand is cold and unwelcoming when Rene inserts it. Embarrassment tints my cheeks. A few clicks of the buttons and Rene talks to the nurse about the baby and how it looks great. Then she rearranges the wand and taps a few more buttons on the machine. “Ah ha.”
Ah ha? What does she mean, ah ha?
Maybe it’s not a baby, maybe I have a massive tumor. Terror freezes the blood in my veins and I can feel all color drain from my face.
“What is it?” I glance down at Rene but she is focusing on the screen, still moving the wand from side to side. “What’s wrong with me?”
The silence is killing me. Glancing over at the machine, I look at what has alarmed Rene. Or rather, I try to look at what has alarmed her. All I see is a blurry black and white image. There is nothing on that screen that makes any sense to me.
Adjusting the wand and pressing a couple more buttons, Rene points to the screen. After she removes the wand and disposes of the sleeve, she says, “Do you see these two small round spots?”
Two small round spots?
Oh, God, it is a tumor. Squinting, I try to locate the baby amongst the tumor but this mess on the screen is Greek to me. My heart is hammering in my chest and sweat is beading on my upper lip.
“This,” Rene points to one of the two spots, “is baby A.” Moving her finger to the second darkened spot, she says, “And this is baby B.”
“Baby A and baby B?” I shake my head, not fully understanding. “What about the tumor?”
A look of confusion comes over Rene. “Who said anything about a tumor?”
“But I—”
“I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say.” She points to both dark spots. “Here you have baby A and baby B.” When she says baby, she draws out the word.
It takes my mind a minute to process what she is saying but like a light switch, the bulb in my brain turns on. “Are you saying that those two little blobs are babies, as in twins?”
Twins. Not one but two little reminders of Brandt and the abuse I endured.
Great, this is not what I need right now.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” Pure joy is lighting up Rene’s face, bringing out a wondrous glow in her cheeks. You would think she was the expecting mother-to-be with the glow she is sporting. She tugs on her gloves and they release with a pop.
Nurse Shelly tears a piece of paper from the ultrasound machine and then hands it to me. I take it. It is a printout of the image on the screen. I’m not sure what these two women think I want with this picture. Just the thought of two babies twists my stomach into mammoth-sized knots.
“Rene, can I speak to you?” I look over at the nurse. “Alone?”
“Of course.” She nods to the nurse and in less than a minute we are alone.
I wait for the door to click shut before I open my mouth. “Look, Rene, I…I can’t…I don’t want…” Great, now I’m all flustered and can’t even speak a coherent sentence. Inhaling through the nose, I hold in the oxygen for a count of three before releasing the breath.
Rene strokes my hand. “It’s okay, sweetie, take your time.”
Deciding to just spit it out and get it over with, I say, “I don’t want these babies.”
Hurt registers in her eyes and she bites her bottom lip, probably to keep from saying something that would hurt my feelings, or anger me. After a minute, she releases her lip. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
I close my eyes so I don’t have to see the disappointment on her face when I nod.
Her breathing comes fast and she squeezes my hand. “I don’t want you making any rash decisions here. Let’s talk about wha
t you’re considering and the risks involved.”
There is no way she will ever understand. To her this is a blessing. To me, this is a curse. “I don’t want to talk about the risks. There is no way I can raise these children. I just can’t love them.”
“Sweetie, there are other options. For starters, there’s adoption.”
I love this woman like she was my own aunt, but right now she is irking my nerves something fierce and I can feel my blood begin to boil.
Adoption is not on my radar. Why should I carry these babies, nourish them, and push them out of my body when I cannot even stand the thought of them? Besides that, what if they turn out to be as selfish and evil as Brandt? “No. For one, I can’t stand the thought of them. And two, I refuse to give birth to two creatures that could very well turn out just like their sperm donor.”
A frown curves her mouth downward and a puff of air leaves her lips. There is a lecture coming and I am not in the mood to hear it. This is my decision. Mine and mine alone. I hand her the ultrasound picture and stand, holding my paper gown in place. When she opens her mouth to speak, I turn my back to her.
Conversation over.
Footfalls echo in the quiet room and soon the door opens and shuts.
Rene is gone, and I am all alone.
Chapter Thirty
Eryc
Shadows move at my feet and I look up. Aunt Rene is walking toward me with a sad, heartbroken expression.
Immediately my thoughts go to Makayla and the worst possible scenarios. “Oh, no. What’s wrong? Is Makayla okay?”
“Physically, yes.” Aunt Rene walks to her desk and sits with a humph. A piece of photo paper is in her hand and she is staring intently at it. Several minutes pass before she glances up at me. “Makayla is fine.” She passes the photo to me and I stare at it, unable to make out what it is supposed to be. “It’s the ultrasound photo,” she says in answer to my silent question.
Where in the world is the baby? All I see is a black and white image with two dark circles in it. Each dark circle has a small white peanut looking image within. I turn the photo sideways and back again, trying to see where the baby is located.
Rene takes the photo from my hands and lays it on the desktop, pointing to each little peanut shape. “Those are the babies.”
“Oh.” I pick up the photo and look again. Then her words hit me and I realize what she just said. “Babies? You mean, more than one?”
Whoa.
At that moment, the door swings open and Makayla enters. A scowl quickly forms on her face when she sees the ultrasound picture in my hands. Plucking the paper from my hand, she tosses it on Rene’s desk.
“I’m ready to go home.” Retrieving her purse from the chair, she walks out of the room.
Stunned. That is what I am, I’m stunned at her behavior. What in the world is going on with that girl? Her behavior is baffling, this is not like her.
Standing, I pick up the discarded photo.
Before I turn to leave, Rene speaks. “Be gentle with her.” She takes a deep breath. “I think she has decided to have an abortion.”
What the heck?
I’m speechless.
Looking down at the photo, I shake my head. I can’t imagine why she would decide such a thing but then again, I guess I can understand where she is coming from.
Crossing the threshold, I follow the path Makayla went. The hallway seems longer than it actually is, probably because I am trying to process the fact that Makayla wants to terminate these babies’ lives.
The waiting room is void of her when I open the door and enter. Mel says bye when I walk past the check-in window and I wave without looking in her direction.
Makayla is standing next to my car when I get to the parking lot. Her back is to me and her shoulders are slumped. “Kay?” I call out to gain her attention.
She shakes her head. “I just want to go home.”
“Okay.” Pulling the keys from my jeans pocket, I press the unlock button. Sliding into my seat, I crank the engine.
Makayla is avoiding eye contact and I don’t know why. Reaching over her, I slip the image of her babies into the glovebox.
A puff of air leaves her lips. “I gave that to Rene.”
“And she gave it to me.” I back out of my parking spot.
This time, she turns to look at me. “Why? It’s not hers to give.” Anger is starting to lace her tone and her nostrils flare with each breath she takes.
Wow, I had no idea she would get so wound up over that dang picture. “Relax, Kay. She just wanted to make sure you had it.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.” Her voice pierces my ears and I wince at the shrillness of it. “I’ll relax when I’m good and ready.”
This girl is downright scary when she is angry. Remind me to never get on her bad side again. I turn onto I44 East and head toward home. The tension in the car is so thick I can hardly breathe.
Makayla needs comfort and support. Sadly, I’m not sure I know how to offer either of those at the moment.
We sit in silence for a few minutes because I just don’t know what to say to her. She is angry for whatever reason and I didn’t even do anything to her, yet her anger is aimed at me. Go figure.
Green eyes turn toward me and I chance a peek at her. Tears are pooling there and she is doing her best to keep them from spilling over. “She told you, didn’t she?”
I don’t need to ask what in the world she is talking about but I do anyway. “Told me what?”
Using the heels of her hands, she wipes at the tears that have fallen. “Don’t play dumb with me, Eryc. I may have been born at night but it wasn’t last night. Your face gives you away, you’re a terrible liar.”
“Yes, she told me that you wanted to terminate the pregnancy.”
“She had no right to share that with you.” Her voice has lost some of its volume. Thank God. “Just because we’re all close doesn’t mean she can share what is being said behind closed doors at her office.”
“You’re absolutely right. It was unprofessional for her to tell me and it was certainly unfair to you. But, Kay, she’s just worried about you.”
“I understand that but this is hard enough for me, I don’t need to deal with the two of you hovering over me like I’m a fragile china doll.” She unzips her purse and starts rummaging around.
Glancing over, I see snot forming at the tip of her nose so I lean over and open the glovebox. I’m always tossing napkins in there when I order fast food.
Pulling a napkin free, I hand it to her. “Here.”
“Thanks.” She takes the napkin from my hand and blows her nose.
I cringe at the sound. When she is finished, she looks around for a place to dispose of the used napkin. I am about to tell her to just leave it on the floorboard, but then she opens her purse and tucks it inside.
“Look, I can see the wheels turning in your head and I don’t want a lecture. Not from you.”
I take the 11th street exit. We are just a couple minutes away now. “Kay, just think about this before you jump to a decision.”
“Why, preacher’s boy, because I’ll be damning my soul to hell?” The anger in her tone raises my blood pressure and I want to yell at her for saying preacher’s boy as an insult.
Preacher’s boy? Did she really just call me that?
That is the same name she called me when she was trying to fit in with the popular crowd at school. Is she seriously trying to push me away, again? Well, guess what? It’s not going to happen. I refuse to leave her alone when she needs me the most.
I take a second to calm myself before I speak to her. “First off, do not call me preacher’s boy. We are far too familiar for that crap. Secondly, I just want you to think about this before you do something you’ll regret.”
Pulling into her driveway, I shut off the engine and exit the car.
Makayla slams the car door. “You and Rene are not hearing me. I do not want a reminder of Brandt. Ever.” She points to he
r stomach. “I don’t want these. Period.”
“But—”
“No.” She walks around the car to stand in front of me, jamming her finger in my chest. “We’re done. This conversation is over. Am I understood?”
I hold my hands up in surrender. “Okay,” I say calmly.
Giving me a shove, she turns on her heel and storms off toward the house. She retrieves the keys from her purse and tries repeatedly to get the key into the keyhole but her hand is too shaky to succeed.
“Kay.” I wait a second before touching her because I know unexpected touches freak her out. Taking the keys from her, I say, “Let me open that for you.”
Makayla enters the house and stops to look at me over her shoulder. “Listen, if you stay, and believe me, I enjoy having you here, then leave the baby topic alone. That is not a request, it is a demand. This is my body and my decision, not yours and not Rene’s.”
I bite my lip before answering her. Is there a chance I will bring this up at a later time for discussion? Yes, absolutely. But for now, I am willing to leave this topic on the back burner. “Fine. For now, I’ll leave it alone.”
She nods and heads toward the kitchen where she opens the refrigerator.
“Are you hungry? I can fix you a sandwich or cook something if you’d like.” I peer over her shoulder to study the contents of the fridge.
She turns around to face me. “Can you make lasagna? I’m dying for some good lasagna.”
I take a step back and look at her. She worries her bottom lip and wrings her hands together. This girl has never liked lasagna because she thinks it is too greasy. That and she hates cottage cheese.
“Yes, I can make lasagna,” I say. “But I thought you hated lasagna.”
“I do but that’s what I want. Can you make it so it’s not so greasy? Oh, and please skip the cottage cheese.”
“Yes, ba—” I stop myself when I realize I was going to call her baby. Wow, I don’t think either of us are ready for that step yet. “Yes, Kay, I can substitute with ground turkey or forgo the meat altogether.”
Her brows furrow. “How do you make lasagna without meat?”
Pieces of Me Page 14
