After it was discovered that CFCs were harmful to the ozone, several nations and organizations worked together to ban the use of the propellant on a global scale.
[you] RIFE!
I know you didn’t mean to, Edward, but you put holes in our ozone layer.
If that’s not bad enough, you also gave delinquent kids a medium to express their “art” all over buildings and bridges. Prior to the invention of aerosol paint, the prevalence of graffiti was low, since carrying brushes and paint cans was a bit cumbersome. And I won’t even get into the “huffing” subculture you instigated.
Whatever happened to our depleting ozone layer anyway? Did it ever re-plete? Will someone please ask Al Gore for me?
№083
Thomas Hamilton
For causing the handgun ban in the U.K.
THE FACTS
In 1996, Thomas Hamilton went on a killing rampage at Dunblane Primary School with four licensed handguns and seven hundred rounds of ammunition. He committed suicide with a shot in the mouth after murdering sixteen students and one teacher and wounding seventeen others.
Shortly thereafter, the British government banned virtually all handguns from public ownership in hopes of reducing the number of gun-toting freaks. Unfortunately, the plan has surely backfired. The number of gun-related killings and injuries rose more than fourfold since the ban. Whoops! It’s been difficult to pinpoint the reason for the surge in gunplay; for simplicity, we’ll just blame Guy Ritchie’s movies.
[you] RIFE!
As it is written on the T-shirt of 007’s nemesis, Jaws, in Happy Gilmore, “Guns don’t kill people, I kill people.” The main problem is that you cannot legislate against mentally disturbed people. The “bad guys” will still get their hands on guns, and the “good guys” will not even have an option to defend themselves with arms. Even if you could keep guns out of the hands of villains (which you can’t), villains would just find another murderous tool: a knife, a bomb, an airplane, or a car. Perhaps, you should just have stricter laws about who can purchase a gun. Then you could take advantage of the fact that it’s easier to keep tabs on someone when a gun is registered. Just look how well it works in the U.S., where gun violence in schools is virtually nonexistent!
№084
Dean Kamen
For making the future look dorky.
THE FACTS
Dean Kamen invented the Segway in 2001. It’s an electric two-wheeled personal transporter. The apparatus uses very precise gyroscopic sensors to keep its balance. The operation of the device is simple—just lean forward to advance, lean back to reverse, and lean the handle bar left or right for either direction. It’s quite an extraordinary invention. It practically defies gravity. Unfortunately, when you ride it, it makes you look like a complete dumb-ass.
As the joke goes, “What do mopeds and fat chicks have in common? They’re both fun to ride until your friends catch you.” Now we can add the Segway to that list for the trifecta.
[you] RIFE!
The thought of what the future might be and look like has interested and perplexed us all. We speculate as to what buildings, cities, cars, computers, fashion, and many other things will look like in the years to come. Usually, our mind conjures up something very cool and original. We see this translated into concept designs, movies, and art. Unfortunately, our perception is always much more sophisticated than the actual usable end products. The Segway is a prime example of this. Gliding along a flat surface without moving our legs is exciting in theory. However, the actual apparatus and the person riding it look lamer than Screech on rollerblades.
Aside from poor aesthetics, the Segway doesn’t exactly promote good health, either. In fact, it encourages obesity and laziness. Sure it’s fun, but do you need really to glide everywhere? Remember, the more you exercise in life, the better off you will be. So ditch the Segway and start struttin’.
№085
E85
For being a sucky fuel.
THE FACTS
Everyone knows that the U.S. needs to kick its addiction to petroleum. This environmentally harmful, nonrenewable energy comes mainly from foreign countries. We need to push for energy independence, which can only be achieved by using alternative fuels.
E85 is a fuel blended from 85 percent bioethanol and 15 percent gasoline. Many cars have been produced or converted to use this “flex fuel,” but its popularity faded after certain statistics were revealed. For example, if we used all the corn produced in the U.S. to make ethanol, we would only displace 3.5 percent of our gasoline demand. This amount of fuel could be compensated just by properly inflating our tires. And it takes gobs of gas just to transport it due to the lack of pipelines in the Midwest.
[you] RIFE!
E85 fooled us. We really wanted it to be the answer to our problems. But we should have known there’s no such thing as a quick fix. The reality is that we have to stop using food crops for ethanol. It creates an entirely new kind of stress on the planet by reducing both our food supply and a vital global export. Even if we switched to cheaper non-food crops to produce ethanol, it would still create volatility. If you think gasoline prices are unsteady now, just imagine how a drought would affect the cost of ethanol. And can you really call it an alternative to oil when E85 is only 85 percent ethanol—and 15 percent gasoline? It doesn’t sound like much freedom from oil dependency to me. But that opinion may differ if you ask a politician who has his or her hands deep in Big Oil’s pockets.
№086ed
General Motors
For killing the electric car.
THE FACTS
The EV1 was an electric vehicle introduced by GM in 1996. The futuristic car was the first modern production electric car available for lease from a major automaker. This zippy vehicle was high-powered, produced zero emissions, and could run for approximately one hundred miles on one charge. Its drivers loved it. Of course, GM did not see it as a moneymaker and decided to destroy all of the vehicles once the leases were up. However, a kindergartener could have told GM to just sell the cars to recoup some lost revenue—instead of pulverizing them in the car crusher. After that, General Motors decided to abandon its electric vehicle technology and put its efforts towards the petrol-pounding Hummer. Hindsight surely mocks them with a resounding DOH! It’s speculated that the EV1 program was eliminated because it threatened the excessively powerful oil industry. But who really knows?
[you] RIFE!
Way to go, GM! You had a good thing and you ruined it. You took our only affordable option for an electric car away from us. You ruined it for yourself and everyone else who wanted an alternative to gasoline-gobbling SUVs. Lots of people loved the subcompact and wanted to buy it when their leases were up. However, you 86’d it. Is there any wonder why you had to declare bankruptcy? Next time the wheels in your head start spinning, be certain they are not lug-nutted to a gas guzzler.
As of the year 2009, your latest slaughter tally was around 66,500 jobs lost, 1,100 dealerships closed, and the near-collapse of Detroit. And that’s the good news. Try not to forget you still owe 450,000 retirees $90 billion in pensions all while trying to pay back the $27 billion borrowed from the bailout and another $5.7 billion from other governments. We all hope you can pull it together, really. We’re excited about the hype for the new electric car, the Volt. But maybe you should call it the Déjà Vu. Hopefully we can actually keep this one…
№187
Michael John Anderson
For the first Craigslist murder.
THE FACTS
Katherine Ann Olson responded, via e-mail, to an ad on Craigslist in Minnesota for a babysitting job. She accepted the job and showed up expecting to look after the children of a woman named Amy. A day later, her body was found in the trunk of her car, ankles bound with red twine. Her killer was a cold-blooded nineteen-year-old named Michael John Anderson. He lured her into his house and shot her. Police say Anderson killed the twenty-four-year-old woman in his parents’ bedroom.
&nbs
p; According to Craigslist, this was the first murder involving the widely used online resource for classified advertisements.
[you] RIFE!
Okay, Mr. Creative, ever watch CSI? First off, computers are highly traceable. And why couldn’t you just have been a normal serial killer? You know, someone who leaves a calling card like bugs in your victims’ throats. Or someone who owns an albino pet. Besides, you should’ve waited until you were highly educated and entirely off the grid before you got caught. You could’ve toyed with the cops by burning off your fingerprints and FedEx-ing severed heads to the desert. Or you could’ve just stapled an I DID IT note to your forehead while lying on your victim’s trunk. But maybe that would’ve made it harder for the police to find you…
I guess it was inevitable that someone would eventually die as a result of our beloved Craigslist. But it still makes me shake my head in denial. So we must blame Anderson for leaving us wondering if we’ll be the next victim. Now we are scared even when we want to sell an old stained couch online to a couple of college freshmen! I still wonder if it was a contract killing. I smell a conspiracy here. Did eBay hire you? Someone get its marketing department on the phone…
№088
Henry Phillips
For screwing things up.
THE FACTS
Phillips, slotted, square, or Allen. Just pick one, for Christ’s sake!
In 1908, square-drive screws were invented by Canadian P.L. Robertson. This was the first recess-drive-type fastener for production usage. The previous single-slotted head allowed for too much tool slippage.
Then, in 1933, the Phillips-head screw was invented by Henry Phillips. Automobile manufacturers were now using assembly lines. They needed screws that could take a lot of torque but could also slip out (or cam out) to prevent overtightening. The Phillips design solved this problem.
From there on, everybody and their little sisters invented a new type of screw head just because Phillips started the trend. Here are a few: Torx, tri-wing, torq-set, triple square, spanner head, spline drive, double hex, polydrive, clutch, and Bristol.
[you] RIFE!
Phillips, you’re a tool. We were doing just fine with the square one. Did we really need another type of screw head? I don’t buy that automotive “slip out” theory. Perhaps Sears hired you so they could sell more tools? Whatever your reasons were, to this day, no matter what type of screw needs tightening, we will always have the wrong type of screwdriver in hand.
And please, if you are a company manufacturing something that comes unassembled and includes or requires a “special tool” to construct it, STOP the madness. We don’t need any more crappy tools we can easily lose. Yes, we are talking to you, IKEA!
№089
Tian Wenhua
For poisoning milk.
THE FACTS
Melamine is used in making many industrial products. It can be found in countertops, fabrics, glue, Formica, cleaning products, and pesticides. It is, however, quite dangerous and even deadly if ingested. Not exactly something you would want to pour into your morning coffee.
Tian Wenhua was chairwoman and general manager of the Sanlu Group, one of China’s largest dairy companies. She is responsible for adding melamine to the company’s milk in order to spike the protein levels for quality control testing. As a result of Wenhua’s decision, at least six infants would die and three hundred thousand others would suffer from kidney stones and other urinary problems. She is now serving a life sentence in jail for her role in the tainted-milk scandal.
Hundreds of edible products were affected around the world, including powdered baby milk, cookies, candy, chocolate, ice cream, and more.
[you] RIFE!
FYI—the amount of pesticide that should be in your 2 percent is 0 percent! Tian’s recklessness and blatant disregard for human health and well-being is difficult to fathom. What could have driven the milky judgments that lead her to believe this was acceptable? It’s one thing to profit from stealing, but quite another to profit from poisoning people.
You can’t help but wonder what drinks she avoids in the slammer—we’ll just assume she’s lactose-intolerant.
№090
Walter Diemer
For making a sticky mess of things.
THE FACTS
In 1869, William Finley Semple became the first person to patent chewing gum. The first attempt at bubble gum was made by Frank Henry Fleer, in 1906. He called it Blibber-Blubber. Fleer’s recipe was later perfected by Walter Diemer in 1928, who called his product Double Bubble. This gooey pink concoction changed regular ol’ boring chewing gum into the lip-smacking good time of blowin’ bubbles. Until, of course, the flavor wears out…
[you] RIFE!
We have Mr. Diemer to blow the whistle on every time we step in this gluey goop. No, he did not invent gum, but it’s his fault it gained popularity and that things started getting messy.
Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a stick or two of gum now and again. In fact, I chewed it almost every day as a child (just ask my dentist). The problem is that used gum never seems to find a trash can. Why throw it away properly when you can stick it to something and ruin another person’s day? Seriously, show me one person who has never stepped in gum and I will show you a levitating man. It’s on the streets and the sidewalks, in parks and under desks and on benches, ready to get on your shoe, in your hair, and on your clothes. It seems like the only place it’s not is in the garbage. It’s out to get you (or at least on you).
So go ahead if you must, chomp away. But if you do chew gum, when you are through with it, make sure it ends up in the land of tin cans and fish bones. You may also swallow it or stick it behind your ear for disposal. Don’t worry: It takes about seven years less than you think to digest. And for Christ’s sake, chew it with your mouth closed.
№091
The United States
For abusing the world’s natural resources.
THE FACTS
It’s alarming how quickly human beings are burning through the world’s natural resources. And although it accounts for only 5 percent of the world’s population, the U.S. consumes 26 percent of the world’s energy.
And while I’m at it, shame on you too, Canada—per capita you use more energy than anyone!
As far as Italy is concerned, someone go tell Tony and Bruno they can rub it in all of our faces, because, proportionately, “the boot” consumes the least of all. Way to go, Italia!
[you] RIFE!
America, stop being so American. It just makes you look ignorant, arrogant, and gluttonous. Realize that your carbon footprint and your existence will have a potentially devastating effect on future generations. Take a step, change something in your life, and make the world a better place.
Top five ways to go green in under five minutes:
1. Bring your own bag to the market.
2. Unplug things that stay on for no reason.
3. Do full loads of laundry, not many small ones.
4. Take short showers, not baths.
5. Adjust your thermostat up one degree in the summer and down one degree in the winter.
Now was that so hard?
№092
The New York Mercantile Exchange
For driving up the price of gas.
THE FACTS
Okay, okay, I know I said gas was bad and we should find alternative fuels, etc., etc. But let’s be realistic—it ain’t happening anytime soon. So it’s time to dip into the problem… The New York Mercantile Exchange is the world’s largest commodity futures exchange. This is where energy products and other commodities are bought and sold. Oil is among the most heavily traded. Exxon Mobil reported $45.2 billion in profits for 2008. That’s right, $45.2 B-I-L-L-I-O-N in one year. That is $150 for every man, woman, and child in the U.S. How is this possible? I give you the New York Mercantile Exchange to blame. And why? Money, duh!
[you] RIFE!
Maybe I’m missing something here, but it seems to me that th
e price of gas should be determined by how much it costs to pull the oil from the ground and then refine, transport, and distribute it, plus tax. That should be it, right? Unfortunately, it’s not. Buying and selling oil on speculation at the New York Mercantile Exchange (and London’s ICE Futures) is to blame for the capricious pricing. It has nothing to do with myths of “peak oil” or supply and demand. The process of trading “paper oil” is very opaque. Actually understanding the “who” and “why” is about as transparent as West Texas crude.
We can all agree that gas prices are out of whack and about as stable as Britney’s mental health. The lack of regulation has only enhanced the confusion and greed. The NYME needs a babysitter, that’s all there is to it. We have already learned that we can’t trust greedy businessmen with power. As my high school world history teacher frequently reminded us, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
№093
The paparazzi
For causing the death of a princess.
THE FACTS
Except for Twitter, who cares what Britney ate for breakfast? Not us. Nor do we care what Nicole puked up. And please, TMZ, only report Lindsay’s car accidents that the tabloids don’t cause. Here’s an eye-opener: I’ll bet you heard plenty on Paris’s trip to the slammer. But did you know Kiefer Sutherland served forty-eight days behind bars a couple years ago? If you did, give yourself a gold star. But for the rest of us, I guess he’s just too old, doesn’t have boobs, and hasn’t starred in enough leaked porn videos for us to care.
[you] Ruined It for Everyone! Page 10
