by Lilian Darcy
“Do you want to go up to bed? Or do you want your cake and some milk now?”
To her surprise, her appetite had returned. “The cake and milk sound great. How long was I out?”
“Maybe three hours.”
Oh, man. She closed her eyes and straightened a little in her chair. The baby kicked a few times, gentle prods as he followed his own exercise routine. She smiled and rested her hand over those little poking feet or hands.
“He’s moving?” Seth asked as he returned with her plate and milk.
“Always. Although he got quiet earlier.” She gave him a shy smile.
“We’re training him well. He needs to remember that.”
Wow, that sounded like a forever kind of statement. At once she felt something tighten within her. The baby was forever, but the rest? God, it would have been so easy to make that decision, one she might rue for a very long time. How did people know these things? How did they ever make such decisions?
Seth bent and pressed his hand to her belly. When he felt the gentle pokes, he smiled. “Active little guy. Does he ever wake you?”
“Not yet. Well, except to go to the bathroom, speaking of which...”
He took everything from her and she rose to go down the hall to the half bath that looked only half-remodeled. New fixtures, but the walls still needed work. For some reason it danced across her mind that she’d like to paint it lavender. Hah! Seth would probably not love that idea.
She returned to the recliner and put her feet up. Her ankles were swelling again. “Not quite grapefruits yet,” she remarked, pointing.
“That’s why I decided to put your feet up. You’re sure it’s not a concern?”
“I asked, it’s not. Not as long as it only happens in the evening after a long day. Now if I wake up with them looking huge, then I should report it.”
He nodded and settled on the other recliner. “What was my dad saying about you flying a lot here?”
She hesitated. “Yuma kind of hinted that he’d like to cut back. It sounded like he was telling me they could take me on as a pilot.”
“Guess so, if Dad heard about it.” He half smiled. “This county will devour you if you want. They’re trying to get me on the sheriff’s department. Now they want to get you on the ERT. They’re good at hanging on to people they want. It’s even more remarkable considering we’ve been going through some hard times. But take our sheriff’s office, for instance.”
She forked a piece of cake to her mouth. “Yes?”
“Dad took on Micah Parish, a retired buddy of his from special forces. He took on our current sheriff, Gage Dalton, former DEA. He had Yuma start up the ERT. It’s always been like that. I could tell you more stories, but...they make room for people they want to keep.”
“They know what kind of people they’re getting that way,” she suggested.
“Maybe so. However it is, take it as a compliment that Yuma hinted at that. He must have really cottoned to you.”
“We sure had fun flying together.”
“He certainly wouldn’t have suggested it if he hadn’t been impressed with your handling of the Huey. Those helos are both his babies and his nightmare.”
“Nightmare?”
“Wendy told you he flew medevacs. Well, Yuma was raised a Quaker. Like a lot of the guys flying medevac, he reached a point of rage over being shot at over the wounded he was picking up. He flew in unarmed with a red cross on his fuselage. It might as well have been a target. Anyway, like a lot of others, he started carrying cases of ammunition in when he flew in to pick up the wounded. The crisis of conscience drove him to drink.”
“That’s awful!”
“No kidding. A pacifist turned into an ammo deliverer.”
“It’s different now,” she remarked. “No red cross, and a good door gunner.”
“War has changed. For the worst, if you ask me.” His face darkened, and she left him alone with his thoughts. She was sure he’d seen and done enough to give him some black memories.
After a moment, he shook himself free of the past and managed a faint smile. “Enough of that. Yuma babies those Hueys, but I can’t imagine how rough it must have been for him when he first started flying them here. For him to offer to let you pilot one is a big deal.”
“I guess so.” She decided it might be a good time to change the subject. She didn’t need any more pressure. Big changes had turned into even bigger changes that afternoon, and they still hadn’t settled enough to sort through them. “So I guess taking you on means taking the entire family?”
“Obviously.” He sounded wry. “And whenever you’re here, a huge chunk of the town. Everyone knows my mom and dad, and most of them know Wendy and Yuma. Think you can handle it?”
“It hasn’t exactly been hard so far.”
“You’ve barely gotten your feet wet. Still...” He shrugged. “I really like it here. Something about this place lets me shake the dust and soot off my soul.”
Wow, that was an intense statement. But looking at him, she knew he meant it. He’d found peace here. How could she possibly ask him to go globe-trotting after her and their son?
But he’d offered, and he’d meant it. There had been no mistaking the steely determination when he’d said that. This baby was going to have a father.
The only question was how much she was going to let him into her life. But maybe she had already breached the levy on that one. Maybe she had already let him in, possibly too far.
She sighed, realizing she was still sleepy, too sleepy for weighty analysis of anything. “I need to go to bed. I’m tired.”
He didn’t follow her up, but much later when she stirred in the night, she found him sleeping beside her in the bed.
Oddly, that felt comforting.
* * *
When she woke in the morning, she was disappointed to find Seth gone. Almost without thinking about it, she’d been hoping they’d make love again, but instead she heard him moving around downstairs. Probably the remodeling.
The call of nature was urgent, so she popped out of bed and headed for the bathroom. She had barely emerged when Seth reached the top of the stairs.
“Time to rise, sunshine,” he said cheerfully.
“What’s the rush?”
“Well, there’s that walk you want to take every morning, so we need to get your physical training out of the way. Then I want to show you around some more.”
He fed her a hearty breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast with juice and milk, then annoyed the hell out of her on her walk by running in circles around her.
“Typical SEAL,” she said finally.
“I’m not as fast as I used to be,” he admitted. “But it still feels good to run.”
“Do you still weight train?”
“I haven’t shown you my basement. It’s one thing I finished out. My own gym. You can use it, if you want.”
“Maybe I will. Walking is highly recommended, but I’d like to keep my upper body strength, within reason.”
“I’ll put it on the list for later.”
“You have a list?”
“Of course. Every day needs a plan.” Then he winked and she couldn’t help chuckling.
She caught sight of the mountains to the west and paused. The air was so clear this morning they looked close enough to touch. “Remember all that snow in Afghanistan?” she said suddenly. “Like that day I picked you up?”
“They have hellacious winters.”
“What about here?”
“Cold but not nearly as snowy. We’re actually a pretty dry climate for the most part. Although that seems to be changing like so much about the weather. Why?”
“Just wondering. The mountains reminded me.”
“Our mountains are pretty craggy in pl
aces, but not nearly as hostile, at least not around here. We’ll take our son camping up there sometime. It’s great.”
Making more plans. Uneasiness trickled through her but she pushed it away. Things were moving too fast. Maybe. But at least one thing was coming fast regardless: motherhood. And there were still so many things to decide.
“We need to talk,” she said finally.
“Hence driving around the county later. Neutral territory. No distractions in the form of your lovely body.”
That warmed her all the way to her toes, but she managed a snort. “You’ve got your mind on one thing.”
“Not really. But for safety’s sake, we’ll take a drive. And if you give me that sidelong look again, you may not finish your walk.”
She had to laugh. “Sure, you’re going to pick me up and carry me back to the house in plain view of the entire world....”
“Don’t tempt me, because I can and I will.”
She looked at him again and saw no humor in his face. Steely determination once again. Sometimes she could definitely see the man who had been a SEAL for so long. Not a person to screw around with.
God, a SEAL. Had she really been foolish enough to get involved with one of the most dangerous men on earth? Nice as he was to her, he would always be the guy who could go solo, or with a team, into impossibly dangerous situations. A guy who wouldn’t hesitate no matter how high the risks.
“Will the real Seth Hardin stand up?” she muttered.
Suddenly his hand gripped her elbow. “Let’s go take that drive now.”
“I haven’t finished my walk.”
“We can finish it later.”
“What’s the damn rush, Seth?”
“I get the feeling that you’re busy looking for reasons to wash your hands of me. So let’s get acquainted. For real.”
“We can do that while we walk.”
“Not if we get into a shouting match. Excuse me, but I don’t want half the town hearing our business.”
She couldn’t argue with that. He was looking awfully grim all of a sudden, and she didn’t want to argue with him, either.
Was he right? Was she trying to find some reason, any reason, to discard him? Because he was a SEAL and SEALs were dangerous men? Because she couldn’t quite believe he was the nice guy she’d spent the past couple of weeks with? The amazingly tender lover?
She said nothing as he helped her into the car, nothing as he stopped by Maude’s to pick up some kind of lunch, and then they were driving out into the gently rolling countryside that seemed so empty, but must have been full of ranches and farms. He didn’t speak, either. He seemed to be mulling something and his jaw was tight.
At last he pulled off the road and drove over a bumpy track to a stand of cottonwoods beside a stream. “I know the guy who owns this place,” he said tautly. “He won’t mind. But we may see some sheep.”
She didn’t answer because she didn’t know how to answer. How had such a stupid little remark on her part opened this all up in some way she couldn’t begin to imagine? What were they dealing with here?
He pulled a blanket from the trunk and spread it on the ground for her to sit on in the shade of autumn leaves, with the stream burbling gently nearby. Under other circumstances, it would have been idyllic.
He remained standing, facing the stream and the mountains, his back to her.
“You want to know the real Seth Hardin?” he finally asked.
“I’m not sure what I meant by that.”
He faced her. “I know what you meant. So I’m going to tell you. I’m an assassin, a person who killed simply because I had orders to. I blew up buildings. I fought bad guys in places you’ve never heard of as part of covert operations. I took on gangs of pirates to save ship crews. I’ve even boarded ships at sea in the dead of night to prevent the transport of nuclear materials or weapons. I’ve gone in undercover and spied. I have taken lives with my bare hands. I am a SEAL. That will always be with me. Is that what scares you?”
She stuck out her chin. “Did I say I was scared?”
He leaned slightly toward her. “I can also read people very well because my life has depended on it. You don’t need to say it.”
“Seth...”
“Let me finish. I’m the guy they make movies about without telling the whole ugly story. I’m capable of all those things and I have to live with it. But I’ve made peace with my past. The Seth Hardin you’ve met here, and that night in Afghanistan, is also the real Seth Hardin. He’s the man I want to be all the time now that I don’t have to war anymore. Both sides are equally real. But it’s not me you’re really scared of.”
“What?” Startled, she almost gaped.
He put his hands on his hips. “If you remember, I gave you my contact information that morning. I made it as possible as I could for you to find me anywhere in the world through my parents. You didn’t give me a damn thing.”
Now her jaw did drop.
“I actually hoped you would get in touch. I wanted to see you again. Never thought of that, did you? No, of course not. You made an assumption and walked away and tried to never take another look back. You wanted to erase the whole thing from your life.”
“But...”
“Yeah, but. Instead, life grabbed you and wouldn’t let you pretend it never happened. You came here out of some sense of duty, hoping like hell I’d tell you to kiss off. Well, shock, lady, I don’t want you to kiss off and I am not going to give up my son. So maybe you need to knit your head together and figure out what the hell is frightening you. What are you scared of, because it sure as hell isn’t me, however much you try to make it your excuse.”
He paused a moment, while she struggled with the bombardment, scrambling for a place from which she could start thinking.
“One other thing,” he said. “I still have nightmares occasionally. Once in a while I remember things I’d rather not. But I was damned lucky. I got out of all that reasonably intact. So, any way you want to slice it, I am not a threat to you, and I am not a threat to that baby. Unless you decide I am, and that all comes back to what you are afraid of.”
Then he turned and strode away along the stream, leaving her with the sounds of rustling leaves and the stream. A dead leaf slowly drifted down and she watched it fall.
She wanted to yell after him, to tell him to come back, to tell him he was all wrong. But somewhere deep inside the truth had sunk home. She was afraid. But of what?
Tiredness was creeping up on her again, maybe from the tension, but she didn’t want to give in. She had to think. She had to. This was too important. He was right, there was their son to consider. If for no other reason she had to figure out why she kept getting the urge to run, yet felt an equally strong urge to stay.
She thought she’d been sorting things out so well when she’d driven out here, but clearly there were a whole bunch of issues she hadn’t even taken into account.
Like him giving her his family’s address and phone number. She’d tossed it like trash, never considering why he’d given it to her. Never thinking that he really might want to see her again. Not wanting even to admit the possibility.
All that stuff about her career and not damaging it was beginning to sound pretty thin even to her. Oh, yeah, she had meant it, but it was still only half a life. A good life, but only half. Other officers, other pilots, got married and had families. She could have done it without ruining anything. Hell, for all she knew, it might have helped her because the air force was big on that whole family thing.
Instead she had chosen to live like a cloistered nun, even avoiding most of the ordinary socializing. Oh, she did what was expected of her, but she avoided the casual stuff, keeping her friendships at work and the rest of her life fairly empty. She had called it focus, but now she wondered why.
Finally she lay back, cradling her head on her hands and staring up into the gently stirring leaves. She could see a deep blue sky beyond them, a sky she loved to fly in.
She’d been frightened of losing her ability to fly. She knew that. She’d been miserable since her removal from flight status. But it was more than that. Much more.
Slowly, cautiously, she opened her well of memories, delving all the way back to her childhood. There had to be something somewhere to explain the driven, single-minded woman she had become. Something that frightened her. Or maybe something she feared becoming.
* * *
Half an hour later Seth returned. He wasn’t happy with the way he’d broached his concerns, wasn’t pleased with his own behavior, but with Edie he felt sometimes like he was banging his head on a brick wall. They’d take a few steps forward and then he’d watch that internal retreat of hers.
Yes, it was all new. Yes, it was happening fast, but the bottom line hadn’t changed one bit. Nothing would deter him from being a father to his son. Nothing. So they had to get past that wall of hers to some kind of decent agreement.
When he found her asleep, he wrapped the other half of the blanket over her and sat on the grass, staring at the mountains. It was cool today, and while the blanket and her jacket would be enough for a while, he worried about her getting a chill if she slept too long.
But he didn’t wake her. Damn, he’d come on like gangbusters, but he wasn’t used to pulling his punches and dancing around things. He knew who he was. In fact, he suspected he knew himself far better than she knew herself.
Something was going on inside of her that wasn’t making any sense, at least not to him, and he suspected not to her. Not good.
In four months they’d be parents. They had to find an accommodation of some kind. He’d marry her tomorrow under any terms she wanted, he’d simply travel with her, married or not, or he’d visit that kid every damn weekend. No way was he giving that boy up.
So she’d better agree to something. And she’d better figure out what kept pulling her back every time she moved closer. After what they’d shared yesterday, nothing could have appalled him more than to sense the fear in her while they were out walking. It was another round in a boxing match where his opponent was invisible, not only to him, but also to her he guessed.
