by K. S. Thomas
Reed
Present Day
For fifteen minutes, I’ve been fighting the urge to tear this loft apart in search of anything that Gun may have left behind. If he was here enough to buy groceries, he’s bound to have left some essentials here as well. Without actually snooping, I wander into the bathroom. Only one toothbrush hanging in the hook. Mine’s lying on the counter. Like a visitor.
The shower gel was chick soap all the way, so either he never stayed over or he didn’t mind. I managed this once, but shower gel and shaving cream have been on my mental list of things to buy since I stepped into the shower this morning.
Her razor’s propped on the built-in soap dish under the shower head and while Gun isn’t exactly clean shaven, there’s no sign of any sort of trimmers either. At least not out in the open. And I’m not checking cupboards. I’m not going to be that guy.
Which leaves me back in the bedroom. There aren’t any doors on the closets which makes looking around in here a great deal easier. At first glance, I see no signs this guy ever even set foot in here. Then, my eyes settle, my thoughts slow and I start to notice the details. The oversized t-shirt she slept in. The half empty water bottle on my side of the bed. His side. A backpack on the corner chair, half zipped with a pair of sneakers sticking out. Guy sneakers. I don’t bother to look in the closets. Chances are high I’m not going to like what I find there.
Not that I can be upset with her. Or even him. I’m the one who was gone all this time. Cooper had no reason to believe I’d ever show up on her doorstep the way I did. Of course, she moved on. Still. I don’t have to like it. I definitely don’t have to accept living with it sprawled out around me. Not when this is going to be our space. And it will be. Mine. Hers. Gun’s gotta go.
Or better yet. We do. After everything we’ve been through, a fresh start is the least we deserve. A clean slate. A perfect new beginning, uncluttered with the past.
I’m just getting excited at the idea when I hear the front door.
“Babe?” I love the sound of that word in that voice calling for me. The world is set right in one simple syllable.
I hurry out of the room and into the main living space to greet her. “I missed you,” I tell her the second she’s in my arms. Warm. Soft. Mine.
She giggles, her long wavy hair dancing down her back. “I was barely gone.”
“You were gone. That’s enough reason to miss you right there.” I slide my thumb under her chin, tilting her head up until our eyes meet. “I don’t want to miss you anymore. Ever again.” I bend down until our lips touch. She tastes of cinnamon and coffee and I realize I love that she has a sweet tooth.
“How do you propose we accomplish this? Have ourselves medically attached at the hips?” she whispers, her lips still moving over mine as she does.
“No, no good. I don’t want to be locked into any...positions.”
She breaks away in mock embarrassment. “Reed,” she squeals, playfully slapping my chest. I grab her hand as soon as she does, bringing it to my mouth and carefully licking and sucking each fingertip one at a time. “Hm, icing,” I quietly growl my approval.
A moan escapes her, her knees buckling ever so slightly as she folds her petite frame into mine.
“Breakfast,” she mumbles, one hand raking through my hair while the other trails down my chest.
I bite her soft lip, holding it between my teeth just long enough to glide the tip of my tongue over her hot, trembling skin. “Breakfast can wait.” I wrap both hands around her tiny waist and begin to navigate her backwards toward the bedroom. She’s the only thing I’m hungry for right now.
Cooper
I slam the door shut behind me and lean against it. My entire body is shaking and I can barely catch my breath. I can hear Reed on the other side, scrambling from the bed and hurrying after me.
A quiet knock.
“Cooper? Is everything okay?”
I don’t answer. I can’t. Everything is not okay. But I can’t tell him that. I can’t tell Reed that the phenomenal things his hands and mouth were doing to my body brought on a full on panic attack. I can’t tell him that the sound of my zipper being undone combusted like an explosion inside my head. That the imminent results of his desire would lead to us being naked. Together. Making love. And that those very thoughts sent my mind into a tailspin I have yet to recover from.
I can’t tell him. I can’t tell Reed, the man I’ve adored all of my adult life, the man I’ve pined for, carried my shattered heart in pieces for, that I can’t be with him the way he so clearly wants to be with me. Because he’ll want to know why. And while my body and head are taking it in turns convulsing with spasms of insanity, I have yet to determine the cause of any of this.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, still breathless from the heated make out session. Or maybe from bolting in here to lock myself into the bathroom. Who can really say at this point. “I just...need a minute.” Or twenty. How many minutes until tomorrow?
“Did I...do something wrong? Did I hurt you?” I can hear absolute anguish in his voice. I feel miserable. Miserable for him. Maybe a little more miserable for me. Only because I already felt like shit before I realized I made him feel like shit, too. That’s like, double shit feelings.
I turn toward the door, pressing my forehead against the wood. One deep breath and I reach down to push the handle, creating a crack just large enough for one eye to peer through at him.
“I swear it’s not you, Reed. It’s just...so surreal. I think my head’s still trying to catch up to the fact that my non-stop fantasy has become a very physical reality...and I’m not handling it with nearly as much grace as I’d have preferred. I’m sorry. Really...just, so sorry for acting like a total jerk while you’re being so amazing.”
He looks absolutely wretched, his perfect mouth frowning and his usually crystal blue eyes darkened with sadness and confusion.
“I don’t know what’s going on, Cooper, but I’m pretty sure you have nothing to be sorry about,” he says softly. “I should apologize for rushing things, for rushing you. For me it feels like the last seven years didn’t even exist. Like, I only just woke up from the accident and hardly any time has passed since we were...us.”
I loosen my grip on the handle and allow the door to slack open a bit more. “A few days ago, you were engaged to someone else, Reed. Are you really able to walk away from the life you built in the years we were apart so easily?”
He smiles meekly. “The last few years of my life were a sham, Cooper. Everything that happened just feels like a big lie right now, and honestly, I’d just as soon forget them along with everything else I can’t remember.” His head tilts to the side, curiosity peaking in his eyes. “This isn’t about us, is it. It’s about Gun.”
“Please don’t be mad,” I sputter, torn between slamming the door shut again to hide behind it and tearing it open to drop down at his feet and beg him for understanding and, probably, forgiveness.
“I’m not mad.” But his words are clipped and he’s avoiding my gaze entirely now. “I get it, you moved on. Backtracking is going to be messy for a while.” His head turns up again and suddenly I’m pinned into place by a piercing stare. “That’s why I think we should move.”
“Excuse me?” I suck in air so rapidly, I nearly choke on my own breath trying to catch it.
“Think about it, babe. This place totally represents the life you had without me. My place isn’t an option since Sam is living there. I just think if we’re going to do this, we need to do it right. A fresh start. A home, for us. A place where we can build from instead of tripping over the rubble of past relationships.”
I understand what he’s saying. I really do. “This isn’t just my home, Reed. It’s my business, too. My shop is right downstairs.”
“People commute for work every day, Cooper,” he reasons.
But, I like not having to. I like being able to take a stroll down the stairs with my coffee in hand to go to work. I like it even more
that I can take a stroll up the stairs to grab lunch from my own kitchen. I like that it’s never a problem if I get to work and forgot something. That I can go and take a twenty-minute nap if it’s slow. And I like that Cammie’s my neighbor. I like that I don’t have to lock my front door because the only people with access to this building have always had access to my life. The list goes on and on, but there’s really no point in it unless I’m just in it for the self-torture of it all. None of my reasons are Reed’s. And more importantly, I can’t come up with a single one why living here would be beneficial to him. Outside of being with me. And I can move. I. Can. Move.
“Okay.” I nod my head up and down as if I need to make sure I can physically feel myself agreeing. Something swirls at the pit of my stomach. Guilt. Guilt because I don’t want this. Guilt because I should. Guilt because I chose this, and for a split second there, I regretted it.
Chapter Thirteen
Gun
7 Years Earlier
“I was really hoping not to meet under these circumstances again, Gun,” Mr. B says grimly pulling up a chair to have a seat across from me. “It smells like piss in here.”
I noticed that, too. Mostly because the other guy in my holding cell was drenched in urine and no one has offered him a change of pants yet. Judging by the lingering odor in here, this is where he met with his public defender prior to my being summoned in by Mr. B.
“You didn’t have to come,” I point out the obvious. Frankly, I wasn’t expecting him to.
“Are we really going to have this conversation again?” He’s angry, but not as angry as he should be. I fucked up. Everything he handed to me, I threw away. Without even giving it a second thought. But I’m not sorry. I’ll never be sorry.
“You can’t fix this.” No one can. “I’m a week out from being eighteen. I’ve got priors a mile long. They’ll move to try me as an adult, and we both know how it’ll turn out.” I shrug. “I’m done.”
“And you’re, what, okay with that?” He slides back into his seat, glaring at me incredulously.
“Yeah,” I nod, never once breaking eye contact, “I am. If this is all I ever do with my life, it was worth it.”
His eyes narrow and his lips press together in a grim expression. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do.”
“What about Cooper? Who’s going to look out for her if you spend the rest of your life in prison?”
It’s the first time I have to avert my eyes. Mr. B knows how to throw ‘em. “She’ll be fine now. She’s in love with the kind of guy who can give her the world. She’s happy.”
He shifts around, leaning forward, elbows resting on the table so he can bore into me with his stare a little better. “Think she’ll still be happy when she finds out what you did? Where you are now because of it?”
I kick my feet out, throwing myself against the backrest of my cold, metal chair. “She doesn’t need to know.”
He laughs harshly. “And how the hell do you plan to keep this from her? You don’t think she’ll notice when you don’t come home?”
I shrug. “I’ll call her. Tell her I got a full-time gig here. She’ll believe me.”
“And then that’ll be it. She’ll never want to visit. Never want to call you. Never wonder why you just slipped out of her life after nine years of doing everything as a team.”
I fold my hands in my lap and stare at my feet. “No, she won’t.” Because on some level deep down, she knew my fading out was inevitable the moment Reed McAllister asked her out and she said yes. Doesn’t matter how it happens now. Just that it is happening. And there’s no going back.
Reed
Present Day
“I brought you some lunch,” I announce as soon as I walk into her shop. I like it in here. Over the past week, I’ve had a chance to spend quite a bit of time here, checking out her work and seeing her in action. It’s been pretty cool. She’s talented, no doubt about it. And she puts a great deal of care into every piece she works on. It’s like Cooper was born to do this, work with her hands, make art. It’s as natural to her as breathing and it’s impressive to watch.
Right now, she’s standing over by the sink washing her hands. It takes a minute for her to turn off the faucet and answer. “You did? That’s so nice of you!”
“Well, you are busy slaving away in here while I’m off gallivanting around town, seems like feeding you is the least I could do.” I smile at her, watching while she dries her hands and patiently waiting for the moment I can lean in and kiss her.
She eyes the bag curiously. “What did you bring me?”
I tug at her waist with my free hand and bring her to me, taking the time to place a long overdue peck on her lips. “Found a sushi place up the road.”
She takes the bag and peers inside. “Yum. Any spicy tuna?”
“They were running a lunch special. Shrimp and crab rolls. I got double orders.” I glance around her shop. I thought I remembered seeing a fridge in here. “Do you have drinks covered or should I run upstairs?”
“There’s water in the fridge behind the counter.” She looks like she’s stalling. “You know, I’m actually just in the middle of a project. Why don’t you go ahead and eat without me?”
“No way.” I shake my head and move toward the counter hiding the refrigerator. “If you’re not ready yet, I’ll just wait for you. This will keep in the fridge no problem.”
She twists her mouth back and forth, silently cringing at something I said. I stop in my tracks. “What? What aren’t you saying?”
She sighs, her gaze dropping down to her hands as she knots her fingers. “It’s just...I’m allergic to shellfish.”
Shit.
She hurries over, running her palms up and down the side of my arms tenderly, trying to comfort me in my moment of lunch failure. “It’s not a big deal, really. I mean, you couldn’t have known.”
“Which is why it sucks.” I groan, letting out the building frustration. “I hate this. I hate feeling like you’re the most familiar thing in the whole world to me, but not really knowing anything about you anymore.”
“It’s not that big of a deal, Reed,” she says, with a kind patience in her voice no one else has offered over the last years. There was patience alright, but it was condescending. Manipulating. This, Cooper, is genuine. “I mean, if you think about it, it’s kind of nice that we get a chance to rekindle things. Really get to know one another again.”
I take in a calming breath and let it out slowly. “Well, let’s at least speed it up a bit so I don’t accidentally kill you in the midst of rekindling. Allergies. What else do I need to know there?”
She laughs, relief and amusement mingling in the sound. “That’s it. Just shellfish.”
“No issues with peanuts? Or dairy? Or what about gluten? Can you eat gluten?” I’m just rattling off everything that comes to mind.
“Love me some peanuts. Any which way you serve them to me. Dairy? Considering the pint of ice cream I had for dinner two nights ago, I’m going to say I’m good on that. Gluten, eh. I’m not allergic, but I’m cool with opting out when possible.” She’s still giggling when she finishes. It’s officially my favorite sound today. Sweet, carefree giggles from Cooper.
“Okay, good.” I pull her in close, dropping a multitude of kisses on the top of her head. I love the soft feel of her wavy red hair against my skin. “I’m feeling more optimistic already.”
“Hm,” she murmurs, her face nestling into the crook of my neck and she squeezes her arms around me tightly, “this is nice.”
“It most definitely is,” I agree, gently rocking her body back and forth in my arms. I think I could stand here like this forever and be perfectly content, with the woman I love, here, wrapped up and tucked against my chest.
Cooper
I close my eyes and inhale deeply. Reed smells good. Clean. And fresh, like aftershave. I love how it feels to be held by him, it’s like he opens himself up just to place me into his heart. Nothin
g hidden. Nothing held back. Even now, when there’s so much he doesn’t remember, everything he’s held onto, every memory he’s recaptured or remade, he’s willing to share. And that’s not a treasure I’d ever take for granted.
“Why don’t you give me like five minutes to run upstairs and make a sandwich and then we can sit down and eat together,” I offer, a soft growl in the pit of my stomach signaling a reminder that lunch still hasn’t been resolved.
Reed tips his head back to look at me. “I’ve got a better idea. How about I run upstairs and make that sandwich and bring it down to you? That way I can still follow through on my intentions to serve you lunch at work like the flawless boyfriend I aim to be.” He grins, his bright white teeth flashing me his perfect smile.
“My boyfriend, huh?” I say the words out loud, just to see how I feel about them. The last time we were together I was practicing calling him my husband. It’s hard not to acknowledge that we’ve taken a step in the wrong direction here.
“Yeah. Is that not what I am?” He chuckles. He thinks I’m kidding. Of course, I’m kidding. Sort of. I haven’t had a boyfriend since...well, since Reed. Gun never called himself my boyfriend. At least not in front of me. I’m not sure why. I never asked. I never wondered. Until this very moment. But then I was never his girlfriend either. We just...were. There was never a question of what we were to each other. We were together. That was it.
“Alright, perfect boyfriend,” I glide my palm up his jawline to cup the side of his handsome face. His skin is smooth, no sign of stubble of any kind. “I’ll have an avocado and tomato sandwich with salt and pepper please, if it’s not too much trouble.”
He takes my hand in his and moves my palm to his lips, placing a sweet kiss inside. “No trouble at all.”
Then his lips trail down my wrist and lower arm briefly before traveling upward again to find my mouth. It takes another five minutes of tender kisses before we manage to break apart and he takes off up the stairs to make my lunch, leaving me behind smiling from ear to ear.
