by K. S. Thomas
“Says the girl who can’t get out of her own damn way long enough to reach the only guy she’s ever wanted.”
I could scream. Instead, I make a subdued screechy sound only Mags can hear, but which can definitely be interpreted as having the same purpose as a scream. “I’m not the problem. I thought I was. All this time, I thought it was me. But it’s not. I can run after him all I want. I’m never going to catch up with him unless he stops to be caught. And he won’t. For whatever reason, that’s not what he wants from me. Never has been.”
“Wrong.” Mags shakes her head. “That’s not what he wants for you. There’s a difference.”
I take a deep breath. I feel nauseous again.
The curtain pulls back revealing a balding man with glasses wearing teal scrubs. “Miss Cooper? Good news. We’ve determined the cause of your fainting.” He glances at the chart in his hand then back at me, smiling. “Congratulations. You’re pregnant.”
Chapter Twenty
Gun
7 Years Earlier
“I really think you should stop in and see him before we leave. Say goodbye,” I urge her, hauling everything she accumulated during her stay here at the hospital into the elevator.
“What would be the point? He won’t even know me. It would be like some strange girl walking up to you, telling you she loves you and sobbing all over you saying she’ll never see you again and have a nice life. How would you react?”
“I’d probably laugh.”
“Yeah, well, I’d punch her and tell her to back the crazy up.”
I blink, turning to look at her. That’s not exactly what I’d expected her to say. “Well, not everyone is as harsh as you. Besides, I can stand guard, make sure no one comes barging in to punch you. Just hold the crazy in and do it.”
“No.” She shakes her head; a painful expression seems set in stone on her pale face. She needs sunlight. I can barely even see her freckles anymore.
“Coop,” I nudge again, this time softer.
“It would be too hard, Gun,” she whispers under her breath as more people join us. Fourth floor, the ICU. Everyone walking in looks grim and hopeless. Not at all like the people you find at the next stop. Third floor, also known as the baby floor. Every time I’ve been to visit, I get sick with hope and happiness every time I make an involuntary stop there. Babies. A future. Family. All things I’ve never given any thoughts to. Never felt like I could afford to. But Cooper has. Maybe it’s time to remind her that it’s all still out there. Even if it’s not with Reed.
“Come on.” I take her hand and tug her through the crowd of passengers to the open floor as soon as we’re stopped.
“What are we doing here? This isn’t our floor.” She leans back into my grip, forcing me to drag her along.
“For weeks, I’ve been watching people come and go from this place, all of them glowing like they ate rainbows for breakfast. You and me, we need some of what they got. Let’s go find our fix.” I keep walking as I ramble on, searching the halls for signs to guide me into the right direction. Nursery. To the right.
A few feet more. And we’re there. Standing at that magic window, gazing down upon babies galore. I’ve never been a fan. Too much noise. And bodily fluids.
Even now, I’m not bothered enough to find out what all the fuss is about. All I care about is Cooper believing she can still have a fairy tale. A happy ever after. And if this is what that looks like to her, I want her to see it, to know that it’s real.
I hear her gasp and watch as one hand, the good hand, travels up along the glass, gently tracing a trail as her fingers move, hovering over each little bundle below. A single, silent tear rolls down her cheek.
“Think we’ll ever have this?” she asks.
“I think you can have whatever you want.” I wrap my hand around the back of her neck, massaging it, and tipping her head toward mine until it’s resting along my jaw, her hair catching in my stubble, I haven’t shaved in days. “You just can’t give up, Coop.”
She turns her head, big eyes red and scared, staring up at me. “Promise me you won’t ever disappear on me again.”
“I didn’t- “ I start to lie, but she stops me.
“Promise me, Gun. Promise me when I’m old and gray and looking for my glasses, I’ll find them sitting on your head beside me. You’re my best friend in the whole world. None of this will ever mean anything when it happens if you’re not there with me.”
“Cooper,” her name comes out on a painful breath. I could promise her forever a million times over. Just not the way she’s asking me to.
“No. I was going to get married. Married. And all I could think was, how is it possible this is my wedding day if Gun’s not here? It was all wrong. Everything was all wrong. And then...the accident. And...everything was all wrong, Gun. Promise me, you’ll be there. From now on. Promise me.”
I clasp my hand around her neck a little tighter, bringing us closer. I kiss her cheek, her temple, the top of her head and mutter, “I promise, Coop. I promise, I’ll be there.” She exhales a tear strained sob and curls into my chest, allowing me to wrap both my arms around her tightly. My heart pounds so hard I feel like it’s plastered over my skin, not buried at the core of my being. That’s what loving her feels like. My heart exposed and vulnerable, to her. Only her. She could make it implode any second of any day. And she doesn’t even know it.
Reed
Present Day
I’ve been taking on more work than I know what to do with just to keep busy. Busy is good. Trying to think and figure out my feelings and how in the hell I wound up in this situation, bad, all bad.
Kerri’s taken me in at her place for the time being, but considering she didn’t give me even a second to unpack before dragging Sam over to try and convince me that we were worth another shot, I’m pretty sure I won’t be staying for long.
A knock at my door catches my attention and I automatically abandon the file in my hands to glance up.
“Do you have a minute?” It’s Cooper. Her mouth drops into an awkward lopsided grin. “Or twenty?” Doesn’t matter how hurt or pissed I am, she’s still adorable.
“Of course.” I wonder if I’ll ever be able to say no to her. If I’ll ever have another chance to find out. “Please, come in. Have a seat.”
She steps into my office but hesitates to reach for a chair. Her eyes move back and forth between me and the door behind her. For a second I wonder if she’s about to bolt again, then she proves how unpredictable she still is to me by reaching behind her and closing the door, sealing herself in here with me. At least for the moment.
She clears her throat. “Cammie told me you were able to get most of your stuff.”
I nod, shuffling papers around for no reason other than I’m on edge and I don’t know any other way to expel those feelings. “Yeah, thanks for setting that up. I couldn’t find a few odds and ends, but nothing too important. You can just mail them to me when you stumble across them. Or call me. Or. Something.”
Her hands take it in turns being neatly folded in her lap one minute and then running flat over her knees the next. She’s anxious as well. “I’m sure we can figure that out as we go.” She peers up at me, locking eyes until she’s certain neither of us will waver. “I don’t want this to be weird. Or...the end.”
“You don’t?”
She shakes her head.
I release the papers for good, leaning back in my chair far enough to put my files out of reach. “You’re not exactly making it easy to keep up here.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” She sounds genuine. Even if she didn’t, her eyes are speaking volumes to the sorrow she feels over all of this. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I never wanted to hurt you either.” I guess neither of us got what we wanted there. “Still don’t.”
She shifts around in her seat. I get the sense she’s stalling.
“So, you’re living back in the city.” She’s fishing, though it’s obvious. I have no reason left to stay
beachside.
“Figured taking a few steps back to try and find a new starting point wasn’t a bad idea.”
She nods. “Does that mean you’re working things out with Sam?” No sooner has she asked the question than her eyes begin to wander about as if they want to look at anything other than me.
“No, Cooper,” I answer her. I owe her an explanation beyond this though. ”Whether I agree with your decision to walk out on us is still up for debate, but you were right about one thing that night, I was running away from Sam when I came looking for you. As amazing as she is, she’s not the one for me.”
“Do you still think I am?” If she wants me to answer one way over the other, I can’t tell.
“I’m not sure I would know the right one now if she was standing right in front of me, wearing a sign across her chest.” I force a smile, though I don’t feel happy. “I think maybe what drew me to you this time around isn’t so unlike what brought us together the first time. You were right, questioning the path I’ve chosen these last seven years. It’s not one I made, just one I followed. After the accident, I was grateful to have any direction at all, but...” I pause, this is harder to admit than I thought it would be.
She moves forward, sliding her hand over my desk until it covers my own. She squeezes. “But you needed someone to show you how to throw out the map and just start walking.”
“Yeah.” I turn my hand over in hers. Our palms touch and my fingers twine around her narrow wrist.
“I get it.” Her gaze lands on our hands, still molded together. “When we first met, I needed to get a peek at that map. My whole life I’d been walking blindly, the idea of being with someone who knew how to find that elusive yellow brick road was more than a little intoxicating.”
“And now?”
“Now, I’ve learned to lay my own bricks.” Her eyes travel up to meet mine again. “You will, too.”
I can feel the corner of my mouth inch upward. “Maybe you’ll help me.”
She nods. “Any way I can.” She bites her lip, releasing my hand at last and letting it slink back into her lap. “I was really nervous coming here today. To see you.” She smiles, but it stops below her cheekbones. “But you’ve been so gracious, so wonderful about everything...it makes what I came here to tell you a lot easier.”
And it dawns on me that closing the door had nothing to do with coming or going.
She takes a deep breath in. And then changes everything with two simple words.
“I’m pregnant.”
Cooper
I feel like I’ve been nauseous for the last three days. Ever since the moment that doctor walked in and dropped that whopper of a bomb into my lap. Mags keeps pointing out it’s normal to feel like puking every second of every day during the first trimester, as if she would know, but I’m fairly certain morning sickness can’t be activated simply by finding out one is pregnant. No, this maximized level of vomiting urges is directly linked to this moment in time. The moment I knew would come the second I heard those words and knew I would have to say them again. Here. To him.
Before I can psyche myself out of anything, I press the doorbell. I follow up this reckless move with an act of cowardice, shoving both hands into my pockets. My fingers hit unexpected intruders within and I retract them instantly.
“Mags.” I can’t help but giggle at the Hershey’s kisses in my palm. I’m still staring at the chocolate as if it holds all the answers of the universe, when the door opens.
“Cooper.” Ed’s voice sounds surprised.
“Ed?” Not nearly so much so as mine. “What are you doing here?”
“Gun’s not here.” He twists his head to glance over his shoulder as if he’s checking the house to make sure it’s really empty. I’m getting the impression he doesn’t know where Gun is either.
“He’s not at work,” I add matter of fact. I went there first. Even checked with his assistant to make sure he wasn’t out at some job site. She told me he called Monday and said not to expect him in for a few days.
“I know that. We’re business partners. You don’t think I’d know if he was working or not?” Ed’s not exactly trying to hide the fact he’s pissed at me. “Skipping work is one thing, but now he’s not answering his damn phone anymore either. What the hell happened this time? What’d you say to him?”
I shrug helplessly. “Nothing. I haven’t seen him since last week.” It’s not like him to just drop off the radar like this. “We should call B.” If my first instinct was to run home to Mags, maybe his was no different.
Ed rolls his eyes at me, just in case I still wasn’t clear on the part where he’s super mad at me. “You don’t think I would have already thought of that?”
Fine. He’s thought of all the obvious options. Which means Gun doesn’t want to be found. At least not by Ed.
“Whatever.” I start to leave. “Just tell him to call me if he turns up.”
I can hear the soles of his shoes move onto the sidewalk to follow me. “What do you want, Cooper?”
“To make things right.”
Then I climb into my car and take off before he can request that I elaborate.
I drive aimlessly, wracking my brain of places he might go to, places that would mean something to him, but nothing comes to mind. Except. Maybe...
I make a U turn at the next intersection and take the bridge back onto the mainland. I drive nearly an hour into the city and when I find myself sitting in the parking lot, I start to seriously question my reasons for being here. This place, this moment in our history seems poignant somehow. To me. But lately I’ve been confused about my perception of the past. So many things weren’t at all what I thought they were. What if this is no different?
I grip my steering wheel, wringing my hands back and forth. If I don’t get out and walk in there, I’ll never know. And I need to know.
My heart pounds heavier in my chest with every step I take across the asphalt. As soon as I step inside, the harsh smell of the building churns my stomach even more. I close my eyes and will the elevating nerves to subside, calming my desire to puke at the same time.
A woman on a mission, I take several long, determined strides straight for the elevator. No need to check the guide. I remember. Third Floor. Where people look like they eat rainbows for breakfast.
The ding signals my arrival and I step out before the doors have even opened completely.
Butterflies roar to life at the pit of my being, replacing every other unpleasant sensation trying to occupy my body. Just down the end of this hall. One last turn.
I reach the corner and stop. I’ve convinced myself so thoroughly he’ll be standing there when I walk around it, I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s not there.
Timidly, I creep forward until I can peek without having to fully commit.
Disappointment floods my heart as soon as I do. There are at least a dozen people standing there, crowding the window and celebrating the newcomer in their midst, but none of them are Gun.
Deflated, I plod along. I came this far, I may as well see it through, even if the results weren’t what I was hoping.
The happy welcoming committee doesn’t mind a stranger in their circle though I do my best to stand off to the side, reserving only a small patch of glass for myself. In a few short months these could be my people, welcoming my baby. It’ll be a much smaller group, of course.
I press my fingertips to the glass and rest the side of my head on the frame. It’s been a long few days. Long and emotional days.
“You’re not giving up, are you?” His deep voice spreads through my entire body like a warm summer breeze, feeding my soul and leaving my skin tingling in the most pleasant way possible. Tears sting my eyes before I even turn around to face him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to see any one person in my entire life.
“I was starting to think you disappeared on me,” I whisper, emotions are straining my voice and making it hard to speak.
“I promised
you I wouldn’t do that.” His palm cups my cheek as his thumb swipes gently over my skin, drying the tears I’ve shed and in turn making more surface.
I don’t know if the crowd from before leaves or if the world around us simply stops, but in this moment, everything else seems to cease to exist.
“I’m really sorry,” I blubber. “I hate that I hurt you. I hate that I almost lost you.” I suck in an anxious breath. “Please say I haven’t lost you.”
His attention turns from me to the window behind me. “I came here trying to figure out the same thing.” He nods at the glass. “I brought you here that day because I wanted you to see that everything you wanted for yourself was real, that it was still out there for you to have.” His gaze drifts far beyond the nursery. He’s not standing here now, he’s traveling seven years back in time. “But then, I stood here. And what I was looking at wasn’t just what I wanted for you anymore. It’s what I wanted for us. For myself.”
He’s quiet for a long time, leaving my mind reeling with all the things I want to say, all the things I need to say, and so many more which somehow seem impossible to put into words now.
“If you saw a future for us, a real future, why were you so willing to give it up?” I ask, equally desperate for the answer and terrified of what it might be.
He scoffs. “Because the future I saw was only ever available to me after Reed vacated his spot. When he showed back up again, to reclaim it, what choice did I have but to give it back?”
“You really believe that? You really thought, all those years, all we had was nothing more than you filling in for someone else? Like I had a vacant spot in my heart I was subletting to you? Like I couldn’t tell the difference between what I felt for Reed and what I felt for you?”
I can see anger building inside him. His stance. The way his hands are balled into fists. The flicker above his jaw as he clenches his teeth and grinds them back and forth ever so subtly.
“Of course, you could tell the difference. And you would always be able to tell the difference. He was the boy you fell in love with in an instant. Me? I’m the man you spent a lifetime trying to love.”
