“That’s right.”
Part of my world ended when we decided to legally begin the process of ending our marriage. It was one of the bleakest days of my life. I don’t know how it’s so easy for him, to throw around a word like that without wanting to slam his head against his desk.
Because that’s exactly how I feel.
“Sure you don’t want to sit?”
I nod. Please, just tell me.
“Well, as we know, all leads have been exhausted with Addilyn’s case. We never received closure and we may never obtain it.”
“What are you saying?”
Giulio’s eyes drop to the photo frame by his desk and I feel my insides burning. I know this is about our baby, but I don’t know about what specifically, and that scares me more than anything. We’ve been doing so well. I don’t want it all to blow up in flames, but we also need to have these complex discussions.
Gazing outside his window, Giulio’s fingertips trail over the edges of the photo frame lying flat on its face. Without even seeing it, I already know which one it is. The one of us.
Breathe.
Hold it together.
“Giulio…?”
“With the case cold, the only way to honor Addilyn and say goodbye is a private memorial. I know we already had one, however what I mean is…similar to a funeral. Something intimate with close family. The press may get involved, but we deserve a conclusion. I see this as our only way out.”
No.
No.
God, no.
My hands rush over my face but the pain doesn’t subside no matter how hard I rub. A memorial…a funeral…it’s out of the question for me. I know Giulio’s intentions come from the heart. I know his greatest desire is to move on and accept that we’ll never hold Addilyn again, but it’s too much for me.
I can’t believe he could even think of something like this, let alone tell me to my face when he knows how I feel about this subject. He knows I’ll never give up on finding her. I’ll dedicate the rest of my life to it if I have to. It can’t be all over.
It isn’t.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I can’t bury an empty casket.”
“You’re saying it like we have a choice, Valencia.”
“Because we do have a choice and it’s to keep hoping,” I say. “If we were to go ahead with what you’re saying…to have a funeral…it…it would be too painfully real for me.”
Giulio pivots his chair to face me. I see the pain in his eyes. I see that this is ruining him as much as it is me. But I can’t lose the only thing keeping me together—faith.
“I understand what you’re saying, but at this point we don’t know Addilyn is alive.”
“Nor do we know that she’s dead!”
Dead.
It’s a word that raises hell for me. I don’t want to think of the possibilities. It feels as though the longer Giulio and I walk down this path, the more allusive the fire grows. Like a painting without any limits of ending. With an unlimited paint supply, our story will never be complete. There will always be imperfections within each change. Covered up beauty. A farfetched motive. No silver linings.
Addilyn is alive.
I still feel her.
She’s here with us.
Giulio stands, slips his hands into his pockets and staggers towards the floor to ceiling windows. Outside, Seattle is heavy with leaden skies. The hustle and bustle of the city downtown is washed away with the pitter-patter of rain. It wouldn’t be Seattle without it.
When he finally turns to face me, all I see is how close he is to breaking down. Giulio’s eyes are watery and I’m sure as hell not the only one with the sensation of impending doom in my heart. His entire body is tense and I know he’s hurting. The thing is, I need to think about myself too.
I need to remain committed to what I believe is true.
“As hard as it is to let go of a part of us, I cannot live with false hope anymore,” says the man I once called my husband without any thought of separation. “Please. I can’t do this alone, Valencia.” His whisper is a plea and I wish I could do more. Be more. I see the warmth in him. I see it all. But I’m so damn trapped inside my own head that I can’t feel it. No matter how much I wish I could. “Please, Valencia. This may be the only way to take a step forward. I need this. We need this. Please, trust me on this.”
“We’re both hurting. I understand your…can we please talk about this another time?”
“When? We’re separated. There may not be another time.”
“Thanks for the reminder about the separation but the co-parenting and hovering divorce papers are enough!” The anguished words are out before I even know it. I can’t seem to stop as my fists tighten on the chair. “It was cruel of you to suggest such a thing. I can live with hope, at least it’s something. At least there is a question mark versus complete darkness.”
I should have already known that when Giulio begins walking towards me and sets himself in such close proximity, that his warmth would electrify every part of me. Yes. He still has that effect on me and I hate myself even more for it.
“Exactly.” He bites back. “Losing Addilyn has me questioning everything. Every single day. I’m questioning everybody’s motives and it’s not the way to live. I need to break out of it and so do you.”
“Do not tell me how to live!”
“You’re going to lose yourself!”
“I ALREADY HAVE!”
“I NEED TO SAY GOODBYE TO HER AND YOU’RE NOT PERMITTING ME TO!”
“BECAUSE IT WILL FEEL TOO REAL! BECAUSE I’M SCARED! BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT IF ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AREN’T ENOUGH!”
The wall raised between us fortifies, rendering us incapable of comprehending who we really are at this second. This is not us. This hatred towards each other is not us. I don’t know what we are…but I can’t be this. Not for our kids. Not for our hearts. No.
Giulio and I remain staring at each other. We’re nothing but panting chests and hazed visions. There’s too much of everything. Too much conflict, baggage, and regret—and it’s not fair. I’m not proud of the shouts, but everything I needed to say was within them.
I’m scared I will not be able to deal with it.
I’m scared it won’t be enough.
I’m scared.
In the same breath, Giulio gently cups my face and draws me to his chest. He’s forced to bear witness to the way I crumble at his touch. How lost I get in his smell. How much I miss him. How intimately tender this moment truly is.
Giulio knows me.
His arms that carry the weight of the world wrap around my waist in a tight embrace. When sobs ripple through me, one of his hands slides up to the back of my head, weaving through my hair, and he holds me even closer. It’s here where my fingers clutch his shoulder blades over his cashmere sweater.
Right now, we cannot be any more connected.
I need this embrace.
Just for a moment. Just until my trembling soul stills.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you,” his hot murmur promises. “I’ve got you.”
It’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten the feeling. Almost. The warmth that spreads across my body is a reminder of everything that is Giulio Giannotti. He knows and owns every single part of me. My heart. My mind. My body. My soul. He has since I was twenty-one and will continue to do so until I leave this earth.
That’s the truth I hide myself from.
The fact that I can’t control how I feel, even after all the substance we’re missing in our lives, scares me. I’m scared of giving him that piece of me again and losing even more. I’m scared of confusing our children with the back and forth. I fear redemption. I fear a second chance. And equally so, I fear hope will fail me.
At the same time, this is Giulio.
My husband.
My best friend.
My everything.
This is the man I vowed I would do anything for. The man I would stil
l die for.
It will always be him.
Even through the hollowing pain, my heart still beats wildly every time he enters the room. He should despise me. I should despise him. We should disregard how the other feels.
But we can’t…
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Giulio will never know the extent of my apology. Right here in the solace of his arms, I apologize for every single thing I’ve done to hurt him. For not loving him like I vowed. For not being here when he needed me the most. For not being able to overcome my depression and sleepless nights I kick myself for come morning.
A stiff breath escapes him. “I’m sorry too. I know how you feel about it. I shouldn’t have said it. I won’t bring it up again. Sorry. Really I am. I only wanted an amicable conversation.”
Gentle.
His voice is so damn low and gentle.
“Me too. I’m so sorry.” Tears trickle down my cheeks, and my body shivers when he wipes the tears away without regret. My voice softens. “I will never stop looking for her.”
Giulio’s soft touch kills me as he kisses my shoulder.
I’m not sure I have enough air in me to breathe.
Still wrapped in each other, his gaze lowers to my full lips. “I don’t want you hurting. Especially for me.” Forehead resting against mine, his hot breath teases me. “Never for me.”
Inches apart, we become locked in each other’s eyes. This is a wild game between my head and my heart. Despite our differences, my mind never fails to remind me of him. Especially with him so close right now…I cannot deny how strongly my heart feels for him.
“Giulio, I…” My thoughts fall to silence. While my mind says one thing, my heart wants another. The latter wishes I could just cup his stubbled jaw, kiss him and forget about the rest.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything, Valencia.”
Breathe.
Softly smiling, we simply live our moment in slow motion filled with nothing but us.
It’s a tough battle inside me…I don’t want to go through life with the thought of something developing between us, only to break again. This may very well be our way to a second chance, but…
What happens if it fails?
What happens when we crash and burn?
Or when our relationship hurts the twins even more than our separation does now?
It’s not easy to say I could blanket our canvas with paints and start all over again. Every time we try, shades of gray sprawl over an already painted picture. A picture that continues to build over and over again, like a book with no ending or worse, with no words. If the book is in our hands with endless blank pages, how will we ever know when to stop writing?
How do we truly know it’s the end?
A small part of my brain answers.
Now.
It’s over right now.
And that alone is enough to convince me this is the end of us. This is where it has to stop. Yet the battle continues and heat ignites as Giulio cups my jaw and lowers his head, his lips moments away from brushing mine. It’s something so familiar. How he used to kiss away the pain. Cure my hurt. Lift my pride.
But as quickly as the spark between us is set alight, it dies out and our moment is over.
Giulio can’t go through with it.
It’s over.
I’ll never forget the apprehensiveness in Giulio’s features as he retreats to his desk, just in time for a knock on the door. I’m left standing in the middle of his office mentally and physically numb.
Marcus speaks through the door. “Clients are waiting in the lounge. We could hear you both shouting before.”
Knowing that once again we’ve let things go too far crushes me inside. Giulio and I are so passionate about Addilyn that instead of using that passion to heal, we’re using it to turn on one another.
Giulio dismisses Marcus with words I don’t even catch.
I fail to contain myself and take a chance.
A leap.
“I miss the people we once were.” My head drops as I sniffle my lost tears. This is the conversation Dr. Eross wanted me to have with Giulio last week. The same one I crumpled and threw away. The back of my throat burns. I need a drink. But most importantly, I need to tell him this, especially if this is where our end needs to be drawn. “I miss my best friend. I miss my husband. I miss it all.”
Before looking down, I catch his disgruntled pursed lips. It’s not aimed at me. I know this much. It’s aimed at whoever did this to us. Whoever abducted our missing piece.
“Valencia?”
“Yes?”
“I miss you so fucking much.”
I feel Giulio’s eyes on me but I can’t meet them. Partly because his confession is stated with a broken voice and partly because I can’t breathe straight. I miss you too. I feel the onset of an attack coming. The ones of panic that rustles with chained anxiety.
It’s over right now.
The ringtone of Giulio’s phone jolts me. It blurs between our truths. He doesn’t answer it. Not the first time it rings and not the second time it starts again. It becomes a siren for our hate, our love, and everything in between.
It may be my anxiety playing devil’s advocate or it may simply be me, but I listen to the part of me that says to let go. I would rather face the consequences of being burned now than go through it all over again later. I can’t fall for Giulio Giannotti all over again. It’ll only further shatter our hearts and they’re already on their last leg, convulsing.
I take my leave without a single glance back.
At my desk, I almost don’t make it to my chair before my legs give out. My lungs are bursting and my head can’t stop conjuring evil thoughts. All of which I pray to God aren’t true, but at this stage, I don’t know anymore.
I push away my cold coffee and do the inevitable. Scrolling through the pictures on my iPhone of Addilyn during her first two months of life, I cave inside, one photo at a time.
I’m so sorry, my angel.
Valencia
By the end of the week, I’m getting the hang of my work coinciding with the twins’ schooling. Giulio and I didn’t speak about what happened between us on Wednesday at the office. I thought it would be for the better, but then that night he texted to ask how I was doing. A brief discussion followed before he had to finalize design renderings.
The following morning when I wake up from my five-hour sleep—the most hours I’ve slept all week—there’s a knock at the front door. There I am at 6 A.M. in my silk nightgown in front of some delivery man, signing off for an unexpected package…from Giulio.
To say the action surprises me is an understatement. The content inside surprises me even more. A pale yellow bow wrapped around a medium sized bound mental health handbook titled ‘How to get your life back and win, the Giannotti way.’ Slipped inside the bow is a single red rose. I’m in complete shock to find the entire lengthy unpublished handbook was handwritten by Giulio. Had he written it all night instead of those design renderings? Is this the ‘design renderings?’ It has to be, because as I flip through, I note he’s divided it into sections with all written accounts of methods he implemented to overcome his struggles and how I too can find the other side.
At the center of the handbook is a card.
Valencia,
I once read that the darkest nights produce the brightest stars.
I hope you see the light again. Until then, I’m here. I will continue to be here, even on the days you don’t want me, because that’s when you need me the most. That’s when I need you the most. Because that is what we do. I don’t want us to fall apart when things get tough. I want us to fall together.
I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me the most. You have a right to be scared but I want to remind you just how strong you are. Just like you hold on to the hope of Addilyn, hold on to the hope of a better tomorrow. Hold on to the hope that you will make it because you are enough. And after all, the opposite of hope is fear. You h
ave hope. And you will be able to deal with anything that comes your way because you have me. Whatever we are to each other—married, friends, or simply co-workers—you will always have me.
I hope this book helps you see the light.
It helped me and will help you too. I promise.
Here always,
Giulio
I cry as I read the card twice.
A tidal wave of emotions bubble up inside because it was just the previous day where I made an oath to myself that this had to be the end of Giulio and me, but the next day when I saw him, I wasn’t so sure.
Giulio was already in his office when I arrived and I didn’t even bother to knock before stepping in. Those angelic eyes shifted to mine and he stood up from his swivel chair. With growing embers between us and the ghost of a smile on my lips, I rushed into the raging fire and crushed him into the firmest embrace of my life.
He held me, full of need as the unspoken devotion of what once was so natural for us intensified. No words were exchanged because all was said in the silence.
Thank you for everything.
If this is supposed to be the end of us, then why does it feel like it’s only just the beginning?
On the following Wednesday, both Giulio and Bryce leave for a meeting together after lunch. Kayla predicts it’ll last until 4 P.M. According to her, meetings with Bryce always run over time. It doesn’t sit well with me knowing that despite their past tension, my name could be fueling spiteful words between them. I don’t want to be a cause of violence, especially not at Giulio’s empire.
I have come to love working at Notti Designs and although it’s only been a week and a half, it’s longer than I thought I would last.
Minutes before three o’clock, Bryce calls to request I meet him at The Red Tavern to hand him the Rodney Project’s design brief which is “hanging around somewhere” in his office. He mentioned that after a blow up with Giulio, he left him and the client without any interior design leads.
Merciful Vows: A Bittersweet Second Chance Romantic Suspense (The Giannotti World Book 1) Page 9
