How could he have looked at me all day and concealed something I held so closely to my heart? How can our tragedy be managed when lies are thrown into the mix?
Damn him!
“I’m sorry, but this…” Shoving the newspaper in my bag, I wave my pointer between us and then the office space surrounding us. “…isn’t going to work. I’ve caused enough damage here. Kindly find somebody else to replace me. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to see you. I want to be with two of the only people I have left.”
Giulio comes alive solemnly wrapped in a bare whisper. “Where are you going?”
“I’m picking up Oscar and Slonne. I think it’s best if they stay with me tonight.”
“Okay, but you can’t pick them up now. They still have an hour of school left.”
Tears cascade down my cheeks. “Watch me.”
I’m so lost.
Giulio doesn’t trust me. He doesn’t understand how much I crave this information. He’s afraid of how I would have reacted, but little does he know withholding the truth from me makes everything a whole lot worse.
As much as it hurts, this only proves how different we are.
How much we have changed.
And why I need to do this without him.
To protect me.
I know that is why Giulio hid it, but we’d committed to upholding integrity throughout our relationship, even during our separation. The thoughts will explode in my mind if I don’t talk about it more. It’s my own type of progression. I need to discuss it all with the two women I love the most in this world.
“If you quit, it means you did it with the best of intentions.”
“I’m not so sure,” I tell Helena with a sigh. “I wish I heard the news out of his mouth first.”
Marissa, my mother, brushes a piece of her dark bob behind her ear. She’s joining us for dinner since my father’s in Austria, his home country, visiting family until mid-October. My parents are childhood sweethearts. The way they still look at each other, as if it’s the very first time, fills this void inside me. Their love story reminds me greatly of Helena and Ben, who met in sixth grade and were inseparable up until the very end.
Life doesn’t always go as we plan it. Nobody expected Helena to be a widow so young. Nobody expected Giulio and I to fall apart after seven good years. Sometimes life just changes, just like the night and you’re thrust into this new world and forced to adapt to the new ropes.
Mom sighs. “You’re right, Valencia. He won’t let you off the hook that easily.”
“Well, he can’t bribe her either. It’s her choice!”
“I should have never taken the job. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Darling, I know why you did it,” Mom says, motioning towards Oscar and Slonne in the dining room playing with their cousins. “Them. You thought maybe this would open a door so they wouldn’t feel hurt. I would have done the same, but when betrayal is thrown into the works it’s better to look after your own. The twins…and Addilyn love you both regardless.”
I stare down at my glass of water with pursed lips. Before picking up the twins this afternoon I contacted Sergeant Flynn, the newly appointed chief of the Seattle police department’s missing person’s unit, but everything he said was already mentioned in the article.
“Tell me truthfully, am I…am I crazy for still believing Addilyn is alive?”
“No.” My mom threads her fingers through mine. “No. You’re not crazy, sweetheart. I believe in you and in my granddaughter. It couldn’t have ended that way, there needs to be more.”
“Giulio’s crazy for not believing,” my sister cuts in. “I mean, he’s this big family man and then when it comes to his own child he doesn’t even want to hold onto any hope! It’s—”
“Helena, enough.”
“No, Mom, It’s true. Don’t you see my point, Valencia?”
I do.
It’s the point I have been fighting for these entire six months.
“As each day passes, Giulio’s reasoning is beginning to come to light. I think it has to do with his mother.” I glance between them and sigh. “His mother dying when he was young possibly scarred his view on death and what it is. That’s the only thing that makes sense in my mind as to why he doesn’t want to delay anything. Perhaps Giulio needs to accept it, just like he accepted his mom’s or else the uncertainty will destroy him. He doesn’t want to be hurting.”
Helena takes my free hand. “I get it. I do. But he’s hurting you instead. I say wear that killer black dress of yours into his office and he’ll come around faster than you can blink.”
“No. Stand your ground, Val. Wait it out a few days, maybe he’ll apologize.”
“I just miss him so much,” I croak, swallowing down my bittersweet truth. “I really do.”
“He misses you too. I see it in his eyes when we have dinner together.” Mom hugs me tightly and her rose perfume flutters away all my fear. “It’s not just because we’re the only family he knows, it’s because he genuinely does miss you. It takes a brave man to admit that. It takes a brave woman to accept it. Giulio’s one in a million; we all know it. He just needs some time.”
A voice clearing breaks our discussion.
Helena’s children stroll into the open plan kitchen. My godson, Weston, reminds me of my late brother-in-law. Reserved. Calm. Sarcastic. They share the same composed features. Despite sons typically looking like their mothers, Helena once admitted she saw a lot of Ben in Weston too.
I know it must be difficult for her to face.
Daisy is seven and began first grade a couple weeks ago with my children. Although she’s a year older, Helena had wanted to wait and give her an extra year before enrolling her. My niece is like Slonne’s twin and they do everything together—just like Helena and me. If there’s one good thing that has come out of my separation, it’s that my children are even closer to their cousins.
Both Helena and her kids have also been through a lot. Weston was four and Daisy lost her father before she was even born. My sister ensures he stays alive through photographs and memories; it keeps the fairytale vivid and allows them to still live harmoniously.
When Giulio and I met in October of 2009, Ben had already left this earth in March. We had only begun dating but the spark between Giulio and I was so strong that we knew there would be nobody else. In retrospect, some may say it was crazy that Helena appointed Giulio to be Daisy’s godfather after only two months of knowing him, but it worked out as he was my fiancé and it was exactly a few days from when Giulio and I were getting married.
We all stepped in for Helena when her husband passed because that’s what we do when we love somebody. Giulio still goes above and beyond for her kids. He flourished Weston’s love for basketball and soccer while maintaining a frequent client at Daisy’s hairdressing studio. When we had our own children, he continued the traditions.
What they say about falling deeper in love with your husband when children come in the picture is true for me, but sometimes love isn’t enough…even when it’s all I desire.
“Mom, I’m starving! Is it dinnertime yet?” Daisy hollers.
“Almost. Have you all cleaned up?”
“Yeah….?”
Helena arches a playful brow. “Are you asking or telling?”
Daisy looks up at me for refuge. I smile and crouch down. She grins up at me and gives me a side hug that puts me on reset. “It’s okay, butterfly. Go get cleaned up with your cousins and we’ll make sure dinner is done when you’re back.”
My mother is already laughing when the four cousins return, only to begin slamming their knives and forks on the table, chanting a chorus of ‘We want food.’
Helena scolds them, yet fails to suppress her smirk. “I swear they’re turning into mini beasts! First Daisy throws my Ray Bans out the window, now she’s leading the cult in damaging my favorite dining table.”
Radiant energy jolts through me at the mention of her glasses. “Oh
yeah, that’s right! Did you ever find them?”
“Oh my god! I never told you! A car ran over them—hey, it’s not funny! They were vintage!”
“It’s called karma, my love.” Our mom snickers and, seconds before joining the kids, turns to throw us a wink. “Sweet karma. That’s what you get for not getting me a pair too.”
“They were a onetime deal!”
“Sure, sure.”
It becomes all too much during dinner when for the first time in months, Helena keeps the news on. The case flashes across the screen.
BREAKING NEWS: THE SECRET WITNESS ASSISTING IN THE WINDOW CASE.
The reporter informs us of what I read in the newspaper this afternoon that Giulio had kept from me. It’s only brief coverage with the police not putting forth much information. There’s no mention of any letters and for once I feel a comfort knowing that my life is not being completely dissected and shared with the entire world. There are still aspects that are just for me.
Then a picture flashes on the screen of me at the supermarket with Oscar and Slonne by my side. “Her mother, Valencia Giannotti, spotted grocery shopping just hours after the news of the new lead in her daughter’s abduction has shut down all interviews.”
Oscar points towards the television “We’re famous! Our family is on the news!”
“Yeah, that’s you,” Daisy pipes in.
My veins pulse with nerves when Helena and I exchange an uneasy glance. Mom hasn’t moved her gaze from the kids once.
Giulio pops up on the screen next, walking through 5th Avenue on the way to a meeting.
Slonne gasps loudly, “Look! It’s Daddy!”
“Yes, baby.”
It’s LIVE and a microphone is thrusted into his face. The blonde-haired reporter makes fast strides as she attempts to keep up with him. It’s obvious Giulio isn’t in the mood to speak.
“Mr. Giannotti, do you believe this could spark a reopening of the case?”
“At this stage, we have to wait until the police make a decision.”
“Addilyn’s mother is refusing to take interviews, what do you say to this?”
“I believe Valencia has the right to her privacy. As you can understand, this is a traumatic time for our family and we ask at this stage that our privacy is respected. Thank you. Please excuse me.”
The news report ends with the underlying big question: What happened to Addilyn Giannotti?
Everybody is silent as a report begins about an influx of racketeers and young gangs returning to the streets. I take ahold of the remote and change the channel to Disney. Swirls of animated colors swarm the screen. I don’t expect the burning sensation in my stomach to spread so rapidly across my body, yet it does, taking along all my pride with it. I know why my mother and sister don’t say a word, mostly because I don’t have any words either.
The children are a different story.
They think differently.
They have questions.
I concentrate on cutting up the chicken breast for Slonne, feeling Oscar’s eyes on me. I wish I could take away his pain. I wish I could take away every single person’s pain around this table.
“Mommy, so somebody saw her?” Oscar’s eyes, so similar to Giulio’s, survey me.
“It’s possible that somebody did. The police are working with them at the moment.”
“Who saw her?”
“A lady, but she doesn’t want to be named. The police haven’t revealed much more. We have to wait a little while, buddy.”
I should use the same advice on myself.
“How long do we have to wait until we know?” Slonne’s curiosity sparks as she grabs the neck of the orange juice bottle. “Until tomorrow? The weekend?”
I wish my darling angel.
I take the juice from Slonne and refill her glass. While I’m here, I pour a glass for everybody. It buys me time. I force a smile and pray they don’t see right through it. Helena does. She’s frowning at the end of the table, partaking in her own demons.
“Perhaps a bit longer than that.”
“How long then?”
“It could be anything, darling. Perhaps a few days.”
“Or a few weeks,” my mother echoes her optimism. “It all depends.”
“On what?” Weston pipes in. “If they saw her, then the police know the area to look. That’s a pretty good place to start considering there has been no other clues, right?”
“True,” I say, “but there are procedures they have to follow.”
“And then the police will find Addilyn and bring her back?”
I swallow down the regret that laces my tongue. My chest feels strange. Too caged, too tight.
Our children are hurting just as much as I am—just as much as we are. They’re not excluded in our agony. That hurts too. The fact that Giulio left the kids out of the loop. We had no time to privately discuss how we would explain this to them.
This is life we are talking about. It’s not a game where we can adjust the rules. There is no manual. We’re handed life in fragile pieces, forced to move forward blindfolded with no sense of direction. It isn’t fair—but it’s life. We all live and die. The cruel reality of Addilyn being the latter haunts me.
“Is that how it will work, Auntie Valencia?”
“Mom?”
“Yes. Hopefully, that’s exactly how it goes.” I draw out my hands, clasping Daisy and Slonne’s tiny hands. “Let’s say grace before dinner. Who would like to lead?”
Oscar raises his hand and so we commence. “Thank you, God, for this food. Chicken breast is the best. It helps me pass every test.”
“Oscar.” I peer at him with one eye and smile. “Serious this time.”
He nods, and around the table, everybody’s eyes are shut except my mother’s and Helena’s. We’re all looking at each other intently until Slonne squeezes my hand and I turn to find a grin on her lips. For a split moment, I see myself at her age—pure innocence and the ability to believe in big dreams.
Oscar starts over.
“God, thanks for the food. Thank you for life and the sunshine and my family. I love them heaps. Help the people that don’t have food and a house. I hope you find that person’s name and that the police bring Addilyn home. I miss her. When she is back home it will all be better. We can all live together with Daddy and Mommy again and be happy again. Then they can have even more babies and everything will be okay. That good, Mommy?”
The first salty tear runs down my cheek. “It couldn’t be more perfect, Oscar.”
“Amen.”
Giulio
I know why I did it. Some fucked up side of me wanted to protect Valencia. Now I know I shouldn’t have. According to her, I should have told her about the sighting and watched her suffer in front of me.
That doesn’t sit well with who I am.
I don’t want her to suffer. That has never been my intention. Ever. For too long now we’ve been blaming each other for everything. Yes, everything did crash and burn with Addilyn, but that wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t Valencia’s either. It’s out of our control.
I wholeheartedly take responsibility for what Valencia uncovered yesterday and even more so the fact that I was too tongue-tied to explain myself. Admitting it in my head isn’t enough to fix everything. No. Of course it isn’t. It’s not enough to fix the constant drilling.
I’m weak.
I failed…again.
I’m incapable of gifting Valencia happiness when it’s the only thing I want to do. This morning I picked up the kids to take them to school, I wanted to see them before my business trip to Canada. Valencia and I couldn’t even look each other in the eyes. After kissing the twins goodbye, she stepped back inside the house without us exchanging a single word.
She should know that all those things I did for her weren’t out of guilt. I’m not toying with her. I’m just a man attempting to navigate this path of separation, it’s like a pit of hell between marriage and divorce. One false move and I’ll
be burned alive.
Dio.
Now, I have to push past it all because Valencia didn’t show up to work this morning. No Friday Funday for me, more like Friday Fucked-up-day. My mood is completely distorted and I can’t think straight. Yesterday at this exact time Valencia was in my arms through her panic attack.
She was right here.
With me.
Darling, where are you now?
“Dad?” It’s Slonne. I’m in the process of slipping back into my Porsche when I notice her running to me, through the school gates and past a few parents who walk in with their kids.
“What’s going on?”
Slonne pivots her foot in the gravel, her head low. “I forgot to tell Mommy last night…”
“Forgot to tell her what?” I ask with concern.
“I don’t wanna say.”
My brows knit. “Is this about Samuel?”
“Umm…”
“Slonne.”
“Yeah…it’s about him.”
My protective dad radar hits one million. If it were up to me the entire police department would be on standby. I settle for a tight jaw and a smile. If I’m calm, she’ll be calm. Yeah right. I’m beyond fucking livid inside.
Did he do something to her?
“Baby, what about him?”
Slonne shrugs bashfully, her cheeks reddening. “Just that he keeps kissing my cheek and mouth, even when I tell him to stop. The first couple of times it was okay but now it’s annoying. I don’t like him, even if he says he loves me.”
“How about I talk to your teacher or find his mom? Stick by Oscar and Daisy, alright?”
“Thanks, Daddy.” Slonne smiles.
I reel her into me and hold her hands in mine. When I look into her light hazel eyes, all I want is to protect her from this unfair world. I want to shelter her from pain and save her. I want to help her in all the ways my father never helped me. “Thank you for telling me about him. I will do everything and more to ensure he never annoys you again. Real men always stop when women say no. Never do anything you don’t want to do, okay? Your voice should always be listened to. Now and when you’re older. Never be afraid to tell us anything, Slonne. We will always be here for you. Mommy and Daddy will always love you. Always. You know that, right?”
Merciful Vows: A Bittersweet Second Chance Romantic Suspense (The Giannotti World Book 1) Page 16
