“Sei molto capace di questo. Lo prometto.”
You are very capable of this. I promise.
Giulio’s hand halts at mid-thigh. It burns through the fabric. Teasing me to set me free. It’s the same allusive feeling he made me feel on Friday night before he rushed out of my house.
In a matter of three weeks working with him, we’ve gone from broken to a place of comfort. One where both of our voices are heard. It was only last week I told myself that there had to be an end to this, that we shouldn’t have any future, but now I’m not so sure. Nobody gets me like he does and we’ve overcome so much together.
Is it bad that I…want him?
That even though we still don’t see eye to eye on the investigation, Giulio is still everything to me. His tendency to be strong, passionate, and kind to me in these last days…I recognize it as the man I married and I need that.
“I should make one thing clear, Valencia. I want only good things from you. For us.”
“So do I.”
“The other night…” He looks over his shoulder, his face tight. I want to reach out and hold him. I want to declare that everything will be okay if he just kisses me. That this is only a phase in our life and I can’t do this life without him. But…how am I supposed to believe everything will be okay when the entire world is burning at our feet?
“The other night I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.” He starts. “But, I knew that if I didn’t leave when I did, I may have never left. There was fire in my veins every time I looked at you and all I wanted to do was get burned. To protect you from every danger. To find a place of no fear, no hurt, no fighting. A place where we can try again and be safe within each other’s arms. Where the only healing we need is each other. Where we will find some way to heal from the head down, properly, so we can raise our family. To allow our children to be proud and brave warriors. You gave me all of those feelings seven years ago and Friday night they strengthened. I couldn’t stop thinking about it back then and I can’t stop thinking about it now. I left so abruptly because I feared you may not want any of this.”
Oh my god.
My hands lace into Giulio’s and they assist me out of the car, into a purified state of mind. I pull his body into mine and hug him. When my cheek presses against his solid chest, I feel so alive.
Seattle’s air mixes with his warm touch. I’m holding him with so much need, desire, and assurance, that when his own hands sink into my waist, everything but the truth escapes me. “That was beautiful, Giulio. Friday night I forgot about all the barriers and remembered everything all at the same time. I know it sounds confusing but…it was us and it felt so refreshing and inviting.”
“I love us.” Giulio sighs in relief, his face falling to the crook of my neck. “I’m going to win you back, Lencia. One of these days you’ll be mine again. One of these days we are going to be happy and nothing will ever break us again. Tell me you want this too. Tell me you still feel what I feel.”
“Yes, I feel it.” We pull back and he cups my cheeks, searching my watery eyes. His crowfeet deepen and I smile through the pain at the explosions in my chest. “I feel it all with you.”
My lungs are working so hard that I can’t even see him straight through the tears he wipes away as they fall. I know this won’t be easy and will be one of the toughest things we’ve overcome, but as scared as I am, I’m also happy. And I’ve longed for that feeling for the past months.
Giulio’s hand slips into mine and with a tight squeeze, we climb the stairs to the building. The stark reality of the words we’ve exchanged excites me, but worry also manifests.
We will find some way to heal from the head down, properly, so we can raise our family.
I’m going to win you back, Lencia.
One of these days you will be mine again.
Dr. Michael Eross welcomes us in. The intimate studio has been my second home within these last few months. Whenever I step inside, any heaviness I feel escapes me. I feel heard. Instead of trapping the words inside my mind for the past six months, here they roll off my tongue with no judgment.
Giulio and I tell him everything. The progression on The Window Case, how we want to concentrate on finding a balance between good communication and getting our diverse points across without the arguments. Then there’s the other issue: how to separate the disappearance and our broken marriage.
Michael advises us that instead of constantly concentrating on both issues and getting overwhelmed, we need to identify boundaries and triggering sentences that onset the arguments. It is vital to remain proactive instead of reactive. Identify that there are two individual issues to sort through and prevent combining them into one.
“Improving this aspect is what will determine whether you file divorce papers or resume your marriage. I would suggest initiating the process and creating a plan. Now, I want to ask a rather direct question; at this point, is there any possibility of resuming your marriage?”
There is a flicker of hope in our fickle inferno game when Giulio and I glance at each other with a burning desire.
“Yes, there’s a possibility.” I don’t know which one of us says it, but I know we both mean it.
Something’s changed between us, whether it’s the additional time we spend together, the way we tend to understand each other even through our opposing views or how everything clicked for me with that sweet dreams spray because I realized the kids need him as much as I do, but there is a change and I want to hold onto it for dear life.
Giulio is what I want, even during the war.
“I’m trying to be a good single mother. A good woman. A good worker. But I’m struggling with juggling all of it and I feel for the twins. I really do.”
Giulio inches closer to me, his hand wrapping around my shoulder. There’s a tight squeeze there that resonates inside me. “That’s not true. You’re a sensational mother.”
“You don’t see what I feel.”
“I see how much you love them. I know how much they adore you.”
“It’s inside, Giulio.” I shake my head, rushing my fingers through my updo. “I’m getting better. I feel myself getting happier and when I’m with you…I feel so much more like me, but the depression still sinks in and when it does…”
“Valencia, concentrate on your breaths,” Dr. Eross warns, noticing my angst. “What is going through your mind?”
Too many thoughts.
I feel lightheaded and tingly all over. When I grip the arm of the couch to stabilize myself, Giulio’s hand slips under my cropped leather jacket and rubs circular motions against my skin.
“Before…I was close to asking for divorce. Now…this doesn’t feel like falling out of love with Giulio. Is this how it’s supposed to go? Or are we destined to smile at a distance and love our kids with a barrier? What is our new normal? I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time I’m so scared of what comes next if we do attempt to restart things.”
His hand on my back slows.
Dr. Eross nods. “What exactly are you scared of?”
“I’m scared of loving. I fear that we’ll be okay for a little while and then our diverse views on Addilyn will cause yet another breaking point. I can already hear the tear in my children’s hearts and I don’t want that. I would rather sacrifice and end it all then go through this pain again. I don’t want anybody hurting more than they already are right now.”
“It’s normal to be scared, Valencia. In fact, you are traumatized. You both are. Sometimes in life, we ponder too much. We think everything has to have a solution when it doesn’t. Sometimes the best thing to do is to live in the moment and watch what happens. Often, the best things in life are unplanned. Do you know the most important person in this equation?”
“Me.”
“Tell me again. Look me in the eyes and believe it this time.”
“Me. I am.”
“Exactly. It isn’t selfish to take care of your first in order to take care of others. It is okay. It
is normal. It is both necessary and a healthy thing to do. It means listening to your heart because, in the end, it’s the most delicate piece of us.” The therapist pauses to slip off his glasses. When he does, he leans closer to us with a soft smile. “Valencia, I know you’re scared. You care a lot about others, especially your children. You’re scared to hurt them if you were to get back together and then something were to happen to fall back apart. But guess what? Life will always be a gamble. That’s what makes it interesting. That’s what makes it an adventure. That’s what makes it life. You’re hurting yourself more if you don’t give yourself that chance to get back together. Your children love you both and will forgive you if things were to ultimately not work. They know that either way, you will both continue to be in their lives. I see the love between you and Giulio. I see it. Those seven years can be seventy. Don’t let fear break you. What does your heart tell you?”
Everything Dr. Eross says resonates deeply, outlining the reasons for my fears and why I should just go for it, why I need to go for it.
I flick my gaze to Giulio’s and find that he’s already looking at me. His hopeful eyes are my reckoning. If I don’t say it now, I don’t know when I ever will. “My heart says that I want to try harder for you. I want an us.”
“And you, Giulio? What does yours say?”
“That I was a fool to let the love of my life go and I will do everything to have her back.” I forget how to breathe. Giulio wants this. He wants me. Our hands intertwine and he kisses my knuckles. “I want the good and the bad with you, Valencia. I want it all, whatever the cost. We don’t know what will happen until we try and I so desperately want to try. I want no regrets.”
Dr. Eross nods, noting something down on his paper. When he looks up, there’s a wide smile on his lips. “Valencia, can you tell me a part of yourself you feel you have lost touch with since the beginning of the abduction and the separation?”
“My happiness.”
“Okay. What is something you love about yourself?”
“My children.”
Dr. Eross draws a finger to the center of his mouth, not seeming too pleased with my response. “All good mothers would say that. So for the moment, I want you to detach them from you. What is something else you love about yourself?”
It isn’t easy for me. “I really don’t know”
Dr. Eross turns to Giulio. “What is one thing you still love about Valencia? Something that is a reminder of who she truly is.”
“Her resilience and strength. I think she is much stronger than she gives herself credit for. Her dedication is another thing I admire. She’s far more dedicated than I ever could be.”
“So, what you’re saying is despite your separation, this is the type of woman Valencia is?”
“Correct.”
“And if I were to say, what was the core of your marriage breaking down? Do you believe it was her dedication and your incapability to grasp that dedicated hope that led to it?”
“Definitely.” Giulio’s assertiveness has me turn to him. Even his profile is attractive. That straight nose, perfectly stubbled jaw, and those mesmerizing lashes. “When you love somebody, there is no greater pain than being witness to them falling right in front of your eyes. Reaching out isn’t good enough. You need to pull them out and I was incapable of doing so.”
“Do you blame yourself?”
“Yes.”
I clear my throat. “None of this is entirely your fault. It was both of us.”
“No, maybe it is my fault.” Giulio presses his lips tightly together. “I admit it. I’m to blame. Maybe if I tried harder to believe in Addilyn we wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”
“There is no way of knowing that. There are so many other factors.”
The therapist cuts in. “What I am seeing here is a passive argument. They may be healthy, but it’s still something we should seek to eliminate. Are you both willing to change that?”
“Definitely.”
“Am I allowed to say hell yes in here?” Giulio’s question has us laugh and exchange an amused look. We agree on just about everything tonight.
“Okay, then I have two projects for you. One to tackle the arguments and the other to work on the closeness. Now, I understand you both have busy schedules, but when I say closeness I mean simmering the tension to reach the level of what you both once had.” I’m prepared for anything. “A dance lesson. I understand that everybody’s different, but dancing focuses on intimate closeness. That confident and comfortable connection is what you both need. I want you both to also try compliments. Before one feels an unnecessary argument spark, defuse it by taking note of something you love about each other. Instead of escalating a conversation, defuse it.”
Giulio and I leave therapy committed to attempting to reach a new level in our relationship. There have already been so many discoveries today and while we may not be able to assist in the process of Addilyn’s case, we can improve the way we treat each other.
When Giulio doesn’t make the first turn off to Helena’s house, confusion entraps me. “Oh, you’re not taking me home?”
“I am. I just want to take the long way.”
“And what if I had other plans, Mr.?” I playfully tease him.
“Hmmm, and what if you didn’t?”
“Well, you didn’t know that for certain, now did you?”
Giulio takes his eyes off the road. The way he sweeps his tongue over his lower lip with that hot gaze on my mouth…damn. A wide grin overtakes him. “I appreciate your courage.”
Huh? My courage?
My eyes narrow until I realize what he’s attempting to do. He’s attempting to implement Dr. Eross’ advice on saying a compliment to defuse a brewing argument. Or in this case, banter filled teasing.
I smile through my laugher. “Thanks. Now all eyes on the road, Mr. Giannotti.”
“Damn. I forgot how strict you can be.”
“Shhh, you secretly like it.”
He winks. “You know it.”
“Giulio! Eyes on the road!”
Giulio’s grin expands when he presses cruise control and turns his body towards me. Both hands leave the leather-wrapped steering wheel and rest behind his headrest, involuntarily flexing his muscular arms rather dramatically through his navy dress shirt. Not only is his gaze off the road, but EVERYTHING is! He still needs to move the car with the wheel! Those light eyes sparkle, infusing me with nothing but pure mischief. “So, darling…you were saying?”
“Smartass.”
“Huh?”
“I said smartass.”
“Huh?”
“I said I appreciate your generosity.”
“Aww, how sweet of you!”
My face brightens in amusement and we can’t help but laugh. It feels so good to be like this. At some point, Giulio leans over and kisses my forehead. When his thumb caresses over my parted lips, he whispers two words that have my entire world spin for all the right reasons.
“Soon, baby.”
There’s a burning smile resting upon my lips the remainder of the drive. Dr. Eross is right. Sometimes the best thing to do is to live in the moment and watch what happens.
This is just a phase in our life. We’re going to try again. It’s all going to be okay.
That voice inside my head comes alive…
It has to be okay.
The following day Giulio doesn’t enter until two o’clock. I already sense something’s wrong by the dark sunglasses he wears when he passes me. He never wears sunglasses inside the office; just last week he warned Marcus about it.
I follow behind and shut his office door.
Giulio’s already laid out on his sage ottoman bench with his hands covering his face. The action forces the edge of his charcoal cashmere crewneck sweater to inch higher up, exposing the smallest edge of the black band boxers I already know are Armani. His six-foot-one sculpted frame has his feet perched on either side of the bench.
“Giulio, what h
appened?” My brows crease and I don’t think twice before closing in and sweeping my fingers against the hem of his sweater.
He gently clasps my wrist to brush me off. “I’m okay, Lencia.”
I beg to differ.
His face clenches as if he’s in pain and that concerns me.
“Please…let me see.” I slide off his sunglasses for him and he tenses at the action.
Oh my god!
A loud gasp escapes me at the purplish red bruise across his left cheekbone. Thankfully his eyes seem okay and there’s no inflammation or deep cuts, but this is still serious. My heavy breaths intensify when Giulio can’t meet my gaze, and so I caress my thumb under the blemish for a little while before asking the only question I have. “Who did this to you?”
Giulio gives me nothing and so my fingers leave his face and resume down to his sweater. There’s a small division between the hem and his black leather belt and dark slacks. I overlook the position of my hand so close to his crotch and lift the cashmere material.
He groans and I immediately apologize. My words are followed by an immediate frown at the sight. His impeccable olive skin is marred with a collection of dark bruises. They span from his chest to his toned abs and diagrams to his right side.
“Please,” I whisper. “Tell me who did this.”
“I can’t.”
“You can’t or you don’t want to?”
Giulio reaches up with his thumb to wipe away my tears. “I don’t want my opinion on the person to influence yours…Darling, don’t cry for me.” I don’t miss the sorrow in his tone or how he grimaces, as if the concealment of truth is toiling with him.
It has to be someone I know.
“When did it happen?”
“Yesterday. Before therapy.”
“But I didn’t see any bruising yesterday. Why didn’t you tell me at therapy?”
“I didn’t want to worry you.”
I lean my head into his hand, needing his touch to cure all the explosions and tattered feelings inside me. The warmth he gives can raise me out of this mess. It will raise me up.
Merciful Vows: A Bittersweet Second Chance Romantic Suspense (The Giannotti World Book 1) Page 21
