Debbie’s thoughts returned to the communion service on Sunday. Her initial euphoria over washing Mildred’s feet had soon given way to doubt. What if Alvin thought it was a desperate attempt to win him back? Sort of a show for the whole world that she was able to forgive and leave behind the past. That hadn’t been her intention. She’d wanted to create peace between Mildred and her. She hadn’t seen Mildred since Communion Sunday, but Alvin’s girlfriend had given every sign in the moments after the service that Debbie’s gesture had been fully understood, accepted, and appreciated.
Perhaps her desire to move on with her life and truly leave Alvin behind was what motivated Debbie to accept Ida’s request. She didn’t want a future with Paul, of course, but she did desire a future among the community she loved. Hopefully Paul would understand that her acceptance of being with him for the day wasn’t a promise—or even an indication—of interest.
Debbie drew in her breath as Paul finally climbed out of the buggy. His left sleeve hung empty. Debbie knew there hadn’t been time yet for fitting a prosthetic limb, so she should have been better prepared for the sight of him in his injured condition. But it was quite a shock. And it wasn’t just the missing arm. It was the entire way Paul bore himself. He moved slowly, and his face still bore the marks of pain and suffering. Debbie took a deep breath and steadied herself. It wasn’t decent to hide behind the curtain like this. The least she could do was go out and greet him. She was, after all, going to spend the entire day with him. A frank, no-nonsense start was the best approach. They weren’t exactly strangers anyway. She and Paul had traded more than one barb, and they’d gone out on a date at a restaurant once upon a time.
Debbie braced herself again, opened the front door, and took the front steps one at a time.
Paul stood beside the buggy as she approached.
His smile was a bit crooked. “Gut morning, Debbie.” Something of his old attitude flashed in his eyes, but it was quickly gone.
“Gut morning,” she replied. She fumbled for something more to say… but what? Esther had the horse out of the shafts and was leading him toward the barnyard so they were alone. Should she express her regret about Paul’s accident? “It’s warmer inside. Shall we go in?” she offered instead.
He genuinely smiled this time. “I suppose so.” His smile once again disappeared, which was so uncharacteristic of Paul.
Concern surged through Debbie. Maybe she had more of Ida’s compassion in her than she knew. She spoke gently. “I’m so sorry about your accident, Paul. It must have been hard. I wish it wouldn’t have happened.”
He shrugged with his good shoulder. “Da Hah makes those plans, I suppose. He strikes down the haughty.”
Debbie gave him a quick glance. Did Paul realize she’d seen him clowning around on top of the stack of corn bundles before his fall? He didn’t look like he did, but then she’d never seen him quite like this before. Crestfallen. Humiliated. As if the air had gone out of him.
“Thanks for agreeing to this,” he said. “I know I’m not much to look at.”
“Oh…” Debbie tried to keep lightness in her voice. “You shouldn’t say that. Besides, this is for Ida and Ben’s sake. I’m sure it’s good for you to get out of the house too. And you’re a gut friend of the Beiler family.”
He winced. “Nothing like Ida for taking care of people.”
“Here.” Debbie stepped closer and offered her hand on his arm. “Shall I help you into the house?”
“Thank you!” He grimaced in pain. “I’d better make my own way. It’s not as bad as it looks, although there is still some pain.”
But it was, Debbie thought. She watched him out of the corner of her eye as they made their way to the house. The man should really be home still recuperating. His tough constitution from years of outdoor work was probably keeping him on his feet. That and his desire to be out of the house again. That must weigh the heaviest on his heart—besides the loss of his arm, of course.
Paul interrupted her thoughts. “Were you here that day when I fell?”
“Yah, I was.”
“You told Ida what to do, didn’t you?” He stopped to look at her.
Debbie’s lips curved up a little. “I said some things. But it was obvious what needed to be done.”
He resumed walking. “I thought I heard your voice, but I wasn’t sure. Maybe to some people it was obvious, but thanks, Debbie. I could have died, I suppose. Maybe that’s what Da Hah had planned. You must have changed His mind.”
“That’s not true!” Debbie gasped. “You must not think that.” This was not good. The last thing she wanted was for Paul to feel he owed her a debt. That would cause a big change in their relationship—and not for the better.
“Thanks, anyway,” he said with some of his old determination.
She knew it was useless to protest. Paul would think what he wished. She reached over to take his elbow as they went up the steps. Ida and Ben met them at the front door where they greeted and fussed over Paul for a few minutes. Paul was obviously embarrassed, Debbie thought, but the others didn’t seem to notice.
Ben’s brother Phillip and Carrie arrived moments later, and the wedding party moved to the upper level of the barn. A temporary woodstove was puffing smoke out of the window. Verna’s wedding day hadn’t been this cold, Debbie remembered, and no heat had been needed. But they would want all the warmth they could get today.
Paul opened the fire door with his one hand and tossed in a piece of wood. He lowered himself on the bench nearby.
Debbie made a point to sit with him. He needed to be mothered, even if he didn’t know it. And this was Ida’s wedding day, so some of Ida’s ways must be rubbing off on her. They’d be gone by tomorrow, but right now Debbie couldn’t imagine the battles she’d often engaged in with Paul or that he’d once openly sought her attention. He looked broken today, as if attracting a girl’s affection was the least of his concerns.
She felt drawn to him in a way. Maybe she felt sorry for him. She wasn’t sure. Perhaps it was because she knew who Paul used to be that she almost wished he’d be that person again. She glanced around. Ida and Ben were talking in whispers on the other side of the stove. Phillip and Carrie were seated several benches away deep in conversation. Phillip was very handsome. That much Debbie could tell, but she wasn’t in the mood to think of that right now.
“Does it hurt much—your arm, I mean?” Debbie ventured.
Paul made a face. “Besides the physical trauma, I’m experiencing ‘phantom pains’—that’s what the doctors call it. It’s when my body says the arm I no longer have is in pain. The doctors don’t know when those pains will stop.”
Was she also a phantom pain? Debbie wondered. Had Paul forgotten his constant attempts to attract her attention? She’d never thought she’d miss his teasing, but this morning it would have been a pleasure compared to the tortured look on Paul’s face. “When will you get a prosthetic arm?” Debbie asked.
“They don’t know.” He regarded his empty sleeve with contempt. “I have to heal completely first.” Moments later he amended his statement. “I have to be ready too, I suppose. That would help.”
“You’ll be surprised how well they work.” She tried to sound hopeful.
He didn’t respond and glanced away.
Had she hurt his feelings? She’d only meant to help.
He seemed to read her thoughts. “I’m just touchy about it, I guess. Sorry.”
She reached over to touch his good arm. “A man’s measure isn’t taken by his lost body parts, Paul. It’s what’s going on in his character that matters.”
He snorted. “That easy for you to say. You’re not thinking of living with a man who has a steel arm.”
Debbie didn’t back down. “If he had a gut heart, the arm wouldn’t matter.”
He laughed but it sounded bitter.
“It’s true,” she insisted. “Most women don’t care about such things.”
“Would you?” The words came
out low.
Debbie didn’t hesitate. “Not if I loved him.”
He looked away. “Sorry for asking. I’m feeling sorry for myself.”
She touched his arm again. “Paul, the right woman will be along for you someday.”
A brief look of the old desire flashed over his face, but again it was gone at once. “You’re more than kind, Debbie. And thanks again for helping after the accident.”
She nodded but said nothing more. This was much more of an intimate conversation than she’d expected to get into. Paul obviously needed encouragement, and he obviously didn’t plan to pursue her like he had before. Much had changed between them, and it would take some time for her to adjust.
Minutes later, Paul glanced at her again. “I’m pretty sure you saw me clowning around on top of that wagon, Debbie.” He didn’t wait for her nod to continue. “Not many people saw that besides you. I’m sorry you had to see me like I used to act.” He paused, as if in deep thought.
If Paul was about to say he would change his ways for her attentions, Debbie thought she would scream. She couldn’t stand such promises from men, especially after Alvin’s repeated and failed promises. Right now she didn’t want any assurance from men who needed to mend their ways. She wanted peace. And if God ever sent a man her way, she wanted him to arrive ready to go. Was that too much to ask?
But Paul didn’t say anything more.
Ida announced it was time to file into the house for the service to begin.
Thirty-Three
Debbie held her breath for a moment as Bishop Beiler concluded his sermon. His face appeared burdened, as if he suffered. Perhaps he was thinking of Lois. He seemed to heave a big sigh before he turned to Ida and Ben seated in front of him. Across the room, in the women’s section, Saloma and Verna were trying to smile. They must be feeling the same emotion. Seated between them, though, Lois looked quite happy.
As Ida and Ben stood and stepped forward, Debbie smiled. Bishop Beiler asked the traditional questions, and Debbie watched as the two interacted with the bishop. The bishop would ask a question, Ben would answer, followed by Ida. Their yahs hung in the air for only seconds before Bishop Beiler asked the next question.
The words of the vows expressed purpose and determination, just as Debbie thought they should. This befit the occasion of two people promising their lives to each other.
“Do you believe Da Hah has led you together?” Bishop Beiler asked.
That question and affirmative answers took faith all on their own, Debbie thought. One could be mistaken, she supposed, as she had been with Alvin. But one must still believe the hand of God worked in one’s life. A person couldn’t lie about such a thing. And it would be a long time—if ever—before she would venture such an opinion again. Not after the fiasco she’d made of her relationship with Alvin.
Bishop Beiler now joined the couple’s hands. A tear was trickling down Ida’s cheek, but she didn’t wipe it away. Her gaze was fixed on the floor, so typical of her not to want to display her emotions.
Debbie caught Paul’s gaze out of the corner of her eye. He had none of his usual teasing look in his eyes. He appeared more mournful than anything. Maybe the exchanging of vows was reminding him of lost dreams and shattered hopes.
Debbie turned her attention back to Ida and Ben, who were retaking their seats. As man and wife! Debbie told herself. A pang ran through her. Ida would never come back to the Beiler household as she’d left it this morning. So much had changed. The upstairs would contain only Emery and Debbie now. It had seemed empty when Verna married last year… and even emptier when Lois left. The house will almost seem to ache. Debbie reached up to wipe away her tears.
Seated beside her, Ida seemed to understand. She reached over to squeeze Debbie’s hand as the last song was sung. By the time the last note finished, Debbie had herself under control. How strange that she had to fight to not make a bigger public display on Ida’s wedding day than Ida herself. As usual, Ida was the mature one.
The service was dismissed by Bishop Beiler, and Debbie waited until Ida stood before she did so. Ben led the way out the door with Ida by his side. Debbie stayed close to Paul as they followed, and Carrie did the same with Phillip.
“Nice service,” Paul commented as they made their way across the lawn.
Debbie smiled. “Ida deserved the best.”
“She’s a self-sacrificing individual, that’s for sure,” Paul said.
“And kind too,” Debbie said, thinking in the back of her mind that Paul could have had Ida’s love if he’d pursued her as he had pursued Debbie. Well, it was too late now.
“She’ll sure have her hands full with eight children,” Paul said.
“She can handle it,” Debbie told him. “I’m wondering if I can handle the loss of Ida. That’s what just hit me.”
Paul gave her a quick glance. “You’ve always been close to all three sisters.”
“Yah, and Ida and I have grown closer since Lois left and Verna married.” The observation was perceptive of him, Debbie thought. She wasn’t used to this kind of depth in Paul. Perhaps the accident really had changed him like Ida thought it had.
“Do you know him?” Paul nodded off to the side toward Phillip.
Debbie glanced that way. “Not before today.”
“He’s been looking at you all day,” Paul remarked, his gaze directed off in the distance.
Debbie laughed. “You’re teasing, right?”
Paul shook his head. “You didn’t notice during the service?”
Debbie paused a step, but she quickly resumed her pace. “You’re not jealous, are you?”
“I’m dying of jealousy.” Paul wrinkled up his face in pretend agony.
Debbie laughed. “That sounds more like the Paul I remember.”
Paul winced. “It takes more than the loss of an arm to change a man, I suppose. Although… ” He shrugged. “Maybe I’ve been adjusted around my sharp edges. I hope so. I do know I haven’t always been… appropriate or kind with you, Debbie. Throwing my interest at you like I deserved to be noticed. I’m sorry for all that.”
She gave him a steady glance. “You don’t have to apologize to me, Paul. And you still are a man, you know.”
“A man with feelings,” he admitted slowly.
Debbie drew in a deep breath. Was he trying for her attention again? “Paul, don’t go there. Not today. Not with me.”
Paul glanced at his empty sleeve, but he kept his walk steady as they entered the upper level of the Beiler barn. Paul took his seat without comment. A shaky smile was pasted on his face.
The last thing Debbie wanted to do was fight with Paul on Ida’s wedding day.
People came by to express their congratulations to Minister Kanagy and Ida. Debbie snuck a glance at Paul and tried to say something appropriate. “I’m glad you had the courage to come out and attend the service today. It meant a lot to Ida, and I think it’s good for you.”
He nodded.
She was used to Paul in all his glorified honesty, even if it made her angry. This new attitude would take some getting used to.
He leaned closer. “I was glad to help out.” He looked hopeful. “I know I was clumsy, but perhaps we could have a fresh start now that Alvin… ”
When she didn’t respond a shadow crossed his face. “I was sorry to hear about Alvin. I really was.”
“You don’t see me dancing in the streets,” Debbie retorted.
Paul was silent for a moment. Finally he said, “I guess I was just hoping, that’s all.”
What was she to say to that? “I’m not the girl for you, Paul,” she asserted as gently as she could. “Someday you’ll find the woman for you.”
“I suppose you’re right,” Paul sighed.
She reached over to squeeze his hand. That Paul still cared about her was a little bit flattering. She decided to admit it. She gave him a sideways glance. “You’re a sweet man on the inside, Paul. Thanks for still thinking about me that way. I’m fl
attered.”
“You’re welcome.” He added, “So, we’re still on speaking terms?”
She returned his smile. “At least for Ida’s wedding day.”
He laughed, the sound infectious. His laugh sounded almost like it had before his injury. Maybe she had done Paul some good today, which would be a great thing to happen on Ida’s wedding day. Ida would appreciate that.
Thirty-Four
The late-afternoon sun hung low in the sky. Ida’s wedding was over. Debbie stood beside Paul’s buggy as he pulled himself up with one arm. His face was etched with pain as he took a seat beside his sister Esther. With a quick wave Esther took off down the lane. Paul barely attempted a goodbye. He was obviously tired and in pain. He shouldn’t have stayed this long, Debbie thought. He was barely fit to leave the house this morning, and yet he had come. If she hadn’t insisted over an hour ago that Paul consider a return home, he’d still be here. Paul had exhausted himself well beyond his current endurance level. That wouldn’t be good for Paul’s long-term health and recovery.
From the other side of the lane where a small group of people had watched Paul leave, Minister Kanagy spoke up. “That was the smart thing to do. He was obviously tired.”
Debbie nodded as she walked over and joined the group.
Ida clung to his arm and agreed with her new husband. “He was really suffering.” Ida glanced over at her friend. “Now Debbie has no one to sit with her tonight.”
Ben’s face brightened at once. “Phillip has offered a suggestion, and I kind of like it. He’s offered to take Paul’s place, and one of our cousins can sit with Carrie. I’m sure Debbie wouldn’t mind.”
“Oh!” Ida hesitated. “Well, yah, if you think so.”
Debbie exchanged looks with Ida. She didn’t want to reveal that she didn’t want to sit with the handsome newcomer because of the many stares he’d cast her way all day.
Finding Love at Home (The Beiler Sisters) Page 22
