by Mia Ford
I rub my forehead hard. “Mom, you don’t get it and you’re never going to get it. I work because I have to, I can’t have all these distractions. I’m young anyway, twenty eight years old, I don’t need to be thinking about girlfriends, or marriage, or babies...”
“Babies?” Shit, I’ve said the magic word and Mom has leapt on it. “Was there a baby in the picture? Ben, you better tell me if there was.”
I can’t tell her, but I can’t lie to her either, so instead I change the subject to get her off the phone. “Mom, I can’t talk about this right now. I’m in a business meeting like I said. Can we discuss it another time? Please?” I need her to listen, I’m desperate for her to just get it.
“I’ll come and visit you then, alright?” She’s giving in, thank goodness.
“Fine, whatever. See you then. Bye.”
Once I hang up the phone, my head falls into my hands. A deep wave of regret washes over me. I wish I could split myself into two different people; one to do the things that I need to do, the work, the business, taking care of the money, and one to do the things that I want to do. That version of me could be with Serena, could be a dad, and could just be happy.
Unfortunately, that’s simply impossible.
I scroll through the numbers in my phone, all ready to call her in my slightly drunken state, but before I do a symbol at the top of the screen catches my eye. The voice mail symbol. Loads of people have been calling me, it could be anyone. I decide to have a listen just as a moment of procrastination. Maybe I need a time out so I don’t do anything rash.
“Hi, Ben.” Holy fuck, it’s her on the other end of the voice mail. Instantly I sit up straighter and I run my hands through my hair. “I... I just went in for my ultrasound today, the one I text you about earlier.” Shit, I didn’t see that message, but I haven’t been looking at anything on my phone. I don’t know if I would’ve gone had I seen it though. That’s a bit too real. “And I know you don’t want to know, you’ve made that much obvious over and over again, but I think you deserve this bit of information. It’s twins.”
“Twins?” I mutter in shock as my cell phone clatters to the ground. Twins? I do have twins in my family, but none directly linked to me. I never thought that would happen, but Serena wouldn’t say that for attention, I’m sure of it. It’s a lie that could so easily be unravelled.
Now I’m not only having one baby. I’m having two.
“Shit, fucking hell.” I press my palms into my eyes, trying to work out what I’m going to do next. Now that it’s twins I definitely should step up, I should be a dad no matter what I think about it. I can’t leave Serena to do this by herself, what sort of man would that make me? Just because I grew up without a father, doesn’t mean my children need to do the same. My dad didn’t mean to leave me, I would be doing it on purpose, that’s the difference.
I need to go home, I have to sober up, then tomorrow it’s time to do the right thing.
So why the hell are my feet headed back into the bar?
“Fucking shots!” I yell to Kyle and the bar maid as soon as I get back inside. People turn to stare at me but I don’t care. “I need shots and lots of them. Keep them coming.”
“Oh if we’re getting shots we should go to CeeLow,” Kyle says excitedly. “Then we can have those sexy shot girls all around us, teasing us all night long.”
Maybe Serena doesn’t work there anymore, maybe after finding out about the baby she quit her job, but I can’t risk it. I don’t want to go anywhere that she might be. I don’t want to see her, and especially not now. I couldn’t face her, it’s all too much.
“No,” I growl angrily. “Let’s have shots here. It’s nice here and there are plenty of gorgeous chicks to keep us going.” I grab some faceless blonde girl next to me and plant a wet sloppy kiss on her lips. She squeals but with glee. She probably wants me. To prove what sort of man I am I also grab her friend and do the same. I don’t want anyone to get any funny ideas. “See, we can have all the fun right here. You want that, right?”
As Kyle agrees a little begrudgingly, I scan my eyes around. I need to find some chick worth burying myself in tonight – protected, of course, I will never make that mistake again! I need someone to help me forget...
“Ah, you are here,” a voice purrs. “What a surprise, it seems that the loved up Ben is gone and my Ben is back.”
Marie. Perfect. Just fucking perfect.
***
“Urgh, fucking hell,” I groan as my eyes slowly slide open. My head pounds, my stomach churns, I feel incredibly sensitive to everything. “What happened last night?”
“Don’t you remember?” A giggling voice replies, shocking me. I guess I’m not as alone in my bed as I thought I was which instantly spells trouble. “It was a whole lot of fun.”
Flashes come back to me, a lot of them involving Marie which isn’t good news. Going back to her would ensure that Serena never looked at me again. Not that I want her to, I just don’t want the possibility completely ruled out. Just in case. I don’t want Marie any more anyway, I decided that. I hope I haven’t gone back on my idea instantly. She’ll never damn well leave me alone ever again. I’ll create an even worse stalker than before.
“Yeah, it was amazing.”
Huh. Another voice. As I finally brave looking down into my bed I see a blonde and a girl with light brown hair lying there next to me, both very naked and both sexy as hell. It’s clear we had a threesome last night, which would normally be very awesome, I love a good threesome, but today leaves my brain foggy and my body a bit disgusted in myself.
At least it isn’t Marie, that’s the one god thing. Maybe it’s the girls from the bar.
“Maybe we should do something to respark his memory.” The blonde hops up onto her hands and knees and starts crawling towards me. I wait for something to ignite in my downstairs area, but nothing happens. I don’t want this, and not just because I feel ill. Not now. “What do you think we can do to make him remember?”
“Oh well I particularly like sucking on him,” the other girl suggests with a cheeky smile and a wink. “Maybe that should happen again, that was a lot of fun last night...”
I need to stop this now, before it spirals out of control. Last night I wanted to be surrounded by people but now I just need to be alone.
“I’m going to be a dad,” I blurt out in sheer desperation. Anything to make these girls vanish. “To twins, so no I can’t do this again.”
The blonde’s expression hardens. “Last night you told us that you can’t have kids. That you never have and you never will, was that a lie, or is this?”
“Er, that was. I don’t know what I was saying I was drunk... I need to go in the shower so if you two can just... you know...” I can’t say go, it sounds too harsh. “Go.” Oh, oops it’s out there.
I run away from my two brand new enemies, I’m sure that’s what they’ll become, hating myself the entire time. I really need to decide how I’m going to act before I do anything else. Am I going to be a man and start acting like a decent human being or am I going to continue down this spiralling path of self destruction? I need to know because whatever I do next is utterly vital to my future.
Who am I going to be?
Chapter Twenty Two – Serena
I can’t believe I’m here, I just... I cannot believe it. It’s horrible.
I’ve resorted to the one thing I never thought I would do, the one thing I tried my hardest to avoid... I’ve come back home. My home town still looks exactly the same; remote, run down, shabby. It’s almost as if it wants to remind everyone all the time that it’s the sort of place that’s going nowhere and that no one ever wants to visit. That’s why I haven’t wanted to come back since I left. The sleek lights of the modern city are so much better than this.
I’m working, I can’t afford the travel, I have to look after Jenny... there have been many excuses that I’ve used over the past few years to avoid coming back home for the holidays, and now I’m he
re again, as a surprise. With a surprise or two. This is going to go really well.
“Hello there, Serena,” Old Men Ted calls out to me in a tone that suggests he only saw me yesterday rather than five years ago. “How are you?”
“Erm, yeah fine.” This place must be a time trap, people just get stuck in the same moment and nothing ever changes. “How are you?”
“Oh good, you know how it is. It hasn’t been easy since my wife died...” Oh God, that’s something I didn’t know about. I don’t know what to say. “But I’m getting there.”
“That’s erm, yeah good. I think I better go. My parents are waiting for me.”
He nods and lets me leave, but as I go the fact that I’m in a time warp doesn’t leave me. It’s almost as if everything that happened out of this town was a dream; the jobs, Jenny, Ben... all of it. If it wasn’t for the reminder in my belly I might truly forget about it all. It’s almost as if I haven’t left school yet, I’m still with Luke, I haven’t done any growing up.
As I stand outside my childhood home, I feel odd, like I don’t belong. All I need to do is take a few steps forward and I’ll be there. But those few steps feel like climbing a mountain. I don’t know if I can do them. I’m aware that I need to, that I can’t move on with my life without making those steps, but I just can’t do it. What am I going to say? Hi guys, I’m back! Oh and I’m pregnant with twins and the father doesn’t want to know. Yeah, that’s going to go really well.
With a deep sigh I take those steps with heavy feet. I don’t think I ever intended to come back, not really. I certainly didn’t ever intend to return here. When I lift my hand to knock on the door, it’s trembling like crazy, but still I make myself do it. When my fist hits the door, the sound reverberates right through me. It makes my head ache and my chest feel weird. I’m filled with utter regret about everything that I’ve done so far.
“Oh.” The door swings open and my dad stands on the other side, looking at me like I’m a ghost from his past. I suppose in a way I am. “Serena. We weren’t expecting you...”
“No, I know. This is a surprise.” I try to smile but it definitely doesn’t reach my eyes. “I just thought I would come home because.” I shrug. There isn’t a reasonable explanation for this. “Because I haven’t in a very long time.”
“No, of course not. Come inside.”
As I step in, I’m in yet another time warp. It’s almost as if I’ve never left. I’m sure if I head upstairs I’ll see my old bedroom looking exactly the same as it always did.
“Hey, sis.” I turn to see a tall boy who’s grown skinner but more manly since the last time I saw him. His presence actually shocks me and reminds me that while nothing looks like it’s changed, absolutely everything has. “How are you? Long time no see.”
He wraps his arms around me and has me gasping in shock. “Ethan, you’re actually taller than me now. I can’t believe it.”
“Well, I am seventeen years old now. I have grown quite a bit.”
“Yeah that’s...” I look at him with shining eyes. “You look good, bro. I’m glad to see you again. It’s been too long, I will make more effort to come back again.”
“Oh my goodness, Serena, Is that really you?” Mom joins us then, with a shocked expression on her face. “I can’t believe that you’ve finally come back home. Have you decided to come back now? You know we want you home.”
“Erm, not exactly.” Urgh, if only it was that simple. Now I kinda wish that was it. “Can we talk? Do you mind? Can we all go in the living room?”
Mom and Dad share a look, but they follow me into the front room. At first, Ethan makes us all tea, during which time we do some pointless small talk. I fill my parents in on the very basics of what I’ve been doing in the city over the last five years. I give the scantest details, even though I know they want more. They also tell me a couple of things too, not that I pay much attention. My buzzing ears can’t hear anything.
Then Ethan comes back in and it’s time to tell all. As he hands me a mug, I have to instantly put it down for fear of making a mess. My shaking hands can barely hold anything right now. I’m a mess.
“So.” I rub my hands up and down my trousers. “The reason I’m here actually is because I’m... I’m...” I breathe in and out a couple of times, trying desperately to steady myself. Mom and Dad are staring at me like I’ve grown an alien head, but Ethan is more focused on the TV. Thank God, I don’t know how I’d get this out with his eyes on me as well. “I’m pregnant.” An intense hush fills the room so I feel the need to continue, to get it all out. “With twins, actually.”
Mom and Dad look at each other again and I’m sure I see both their faces pale. Even Ethan shoots me a little glance but there isn’t any judgement there. He’s just giving me a look, almost as if he’s trying to tell me that he’s there. For a seventeen year old, he sure seems mature.
“You’re having a baby?” Dad finally pants out. “With who? Why isn’t the father here with you? Are you married? Did you get married and not tell us?”
Of course he would ask that. He comes from a time period and a small town that expects such behaviour. People from here don’t have babies unless they’re married. Of course that leads to lots of shot gun weddings, but that’s preferable to doing it alone. I knew this was a bad idea.
“No, I’m not married,” I say quietly. “I’m not with the father either. He... well he freaked out when I told him about the baby and now he doesn’t want to know.”
“Oh my God.” Mom stands up and she paces the room. “Oh my goodness. I cant believe this. I cannot believe this happened.” She runs her hands through her hair looking incredibly stressed by my news. I knew she wouldn’t take it well, but I don’t know if I thought it would be this bad. “This is why we didn’t want you to go to the city, we knew this would happen. You should have just stayed here and continued dating that nice Luke boy. You know what he does now? He’s the manager of the supermarket.”
Urgh, I can’t even entertain that notion. It’s too painful for words. Mom clearly doesn’t know what an asshole Luke is. I can’t even start going down that road with her... at least now I know to avoid the supermarket.
“Mom, this is serious,” I tell her. “This didn’t happen because I went to the city, this happened because I fell in love with someone who didn’t deserve it.”
That stops her in her tracks. Maybe she thinks it’s better because I’m in love with Ben, I don’t know. Either way, she stops ranting which is good.
“What do you intend to do?” Dad jumps in, unfortunately taking over that role. “Have you come home to live here? Because I don’t know if we can have you living here with twins...”
“Dad!” Ethan jumps in, sounding stunned. “Seriously, Dad.”
“What? You can clearly see that we don’t have the room for two babies to live here and what will the neighbours think? This is a small town, Ethan, people talk. I don’t want everyone to know that our daughter ran off, got knocked up, then came running back.”
Holy fucking hell, this is rough. I can barely stand it. “I don’t want to come back here either,” I interject quickly. “That isn’t why I’m here.” God the thought of staying back here again for an extended period of time makes me want to shiver with sickness. “I guess I just wanted you guys to know.”
I push myself into a standing position. I need to get out of here now, this was a mistake, I can’t believe I even allowed myself to think this might have been a good visit.
“Are you going?” Mom gushes. “We can’t just let you go like this.”
“We can’t have her to stay either.” My dad was not letting me forget that.
“No.” Mom sits by Dad and she looks up at him. “I know that, I’m not crazy. I know it’ll be hell for Serena if she comes back. Everyone will talk about her, it’ll be horrible. What I think is we should give Serena some money to get her started.”
Mom and Dad stand up and they quietly leave the room so they can talk abo
ut it in private. They’ve always been this way. Every chat that they’ve ever had about money has been without me and Ethan in the room. I guess it’s because they don’t want us to worry, but we’re adults now. It really doesn’t matter.
I roll my eyes as they leave the room and give my brother a weak smile.
“This is why I can’t wait to get out,” he tells me seriously. “Everyone is so small minded here. I hate it. I mean, in my eyes you’re really brave. You have twins growing in your belly and you’re ready to take them on alone. That’s awesome.” Wow. That’s the first time anyone has said that to me. In a way it feels kinda nice. “The asshole dad doesn’t want to know, but that’s not important to you. You’re going ahead anyway.”
“Thank you, Ethan... when did you get so wise?”
He smiles but doesn’t answer me. Instead he continues on the same road he was before. “You should take the money that Mom and Dad give you and start again. Move somewhere far away from here. Make a good life for you and your babies.” He smiles down at my stomach. “I can’t believe I’m going to be an uncle, you will send me pictures when they’re born, won’t you?”
At least I have him. He’s awesome. I’m so damn lucky to have him. He’s been the one good thing to happen in this whole trip home. “Thanks, Ethan.” I give him a genuine smile. “That means a lot, and of course I’ll send you pictures.”
“Where do you think you’ll go?” he asks me curiously. “Any ideas?”
“Hmmm, that’s a good question.” I tap my chin thoughtfully. “I honestly have no idea. I could go anywhere...”
I do know though, there’s only one place in the world I want to be. It might not be smart, but I have to go back to the city. That’s my home.
