by Eve R. Hart
I pounded on his chest with closed fists. But could tell I didn’t even hurt him a little bit. He took all that I had to give. He let me get all my rage out without so much as a flinch. For a fraction of a second, I wondered if I was being a bratty bitch, but I couldn’t stop. With one last movement, I slapped him hard across the face. His head whipped to the side no more than an inch and his jaw clenched tight. Right away his cheek turned red and blotchy where my hand connected with his skin.
“I am a person,” I said as I felt the tears sting my eyes. “You can’t just make me do things I don’t want to do. What I want matters. I matter.” I turned around before the tears started to fall. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I didn’t want anyone to see me cry.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back around. He bent down and searched in my eyes. For what, I wasn’t sure. I looked back into his and saw a softness I hadn’t seen before, but I couldn’t let it get to me. I ripped my arm out of his grip and walked into the house, not once looking back.
I stomped up to my room and locked myself away for the rest of the night. I was suspicious that Nan at least had an idea about what was going on. I would’ve even gone as far to say that she had a helping hand in it. I cursed myself for not seeing it sooner.
Later that night I got a text from Chris. I perked up, thinking I could vent to him. Then again, I wasn’t completely sure I should. He did, after all, work for Nate. I swiped my phone open and read the message.
Chris: Do I even want to know?!
Me: What?
Chris: Don’t play coy, missy. Boss man is in a mood. He’s talking to Brand right now. It’s kinda funny the crap he’s giving Loch. Never seen Brand so talkative. Hmmm…
Chris: Spill it.
Me: He bought me a car.
Chris: Oh nice! Lucky girl.
Me: No. I’m pissed. Used his alpha male bullshit to take me away and did that shit behind my back.
Chris: Pissed. Got it. Take a bath. Relax. We’ll talk tomorrow.
That was that. He didn’t dig too much and I was glad. I had no doubt that when I saw him next he’d push for more details. I could only hope that I’d feel better then. There was a small pain in my gut when I thought about trash talking Nate. I did my best to push it away because I was still red-hot pissed.
I took his suggestion and ran a bath. As I soaked in the nice hot water and relaxing salts, it all started to fade away. But as soon as I got out it all came flooding back.
I crawled into bed and cried. I was tired of being used. It wasn’t a feeling that anyone should feel comfortable with. While I knew some people thrived on it, I wasn’t one of those. It hurt. A punch to the gut. The same feeling I had the day my mother left me. People only had to deal with me. I was like an unwanted house fly and they found themselves relieved when the damn thing went down or flew back out. I let myself think for a moment that he wanted to be around me. That he wanted my company and actually enjoyed it. I hated feeling like a fool and I hated being tricked. Sure, if he had come out and told me he was buying me a car I would have pushed back with all my might. Somehow, having the option to fight for what I wanted to be taken away shook me to the core. It only solidified the feeling that no one cared about me. Someone not caring about what it was that I wanted only made me question the point of my existence in their life. Or in life in general.
I sighed and willed myself to sleep. It didn’t happen. This time it was Nate that clouded my mind. The strength in trying to remind myself that I hated him. The weakness that, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t. I finally crawled out of bed at daybreak. I walked down to the kitchen hoping I wouldn’t see him at the bar later that night. I knew there was no avoiding Nan. I was sure she was going to have some witty words to go along with the fire I was going to spew at her. I sat down on the couch in the living room with my coffee in hand and found myself getting lost in the angry steam.
By the time Nan came into the living room, I was well past angry and headed deep into self-pity territory. Splash in a lot of embarrassment and stupidity, and that was the party I was throwing myself in my head. I was drained, empty, and hurt. The tears were just the outward evidence of that. Nan looked at me with a silent sad look before she came to sit next to me on the couch. She patted my leg and we sat there in wrapped in a blanket of quietness for a long time.
“I’m so stupid,” I finally said. Maybe it was that I didn’t have any friends to talk to or that I just needed to get it out. Or it could have been that I needed some kind of guidance. Even if it came from a crazy, outgoing old lady.
“No, you’re not, dear.” She turned to face me and looked me in the eyes.
“Yeah, I am. I thought he wanted to spend time with me. Like really spend time with me.” I took a calming breath. “But it was all a huge a distraction.”
“You want to know what I think?” she asked in a tone that told me she was going to tell me no matter what. I didn’t reply, I just waited for it. “I think that boy likes you. I think the two of you are just stubborn as fuck and it is only going to get in the way of something that could be good.” I blinked at her. Part of me was thrown that she cussed out loud. Part of me was taking what she said to heart.
“No. That man knew I wasn’t going to let him have his way. So he found a way around that, leaving me no say so in it.” My tone became bitter.
“That man bought you a car because he knew the one you had wasn’t safe for you. In other words, he doesn’t want anything to happen to you. This is the way you need to start looking at things, Reagan.” I sighed at her.
“I won’t ever lose myself in a relationship. I refuse to change and be a completely different person. I will never be…” I stopped myself. Sure, it was true and it was my mother that I was talking about, but I also had to remember that she was Nan’s daughter.
“Your mother,” she said for me. The look on her face was a mix of emotions. She sat back a little and relaxed into the cushions. “I know you’ve had it rough, and I blame myself for a lot of that. After your grandfather left me, God rest his soul, I may not have set the best example. But I always put her first. I kept most of it out of the house and away from her. I went to every dance recital and school play. Hell, I even went to most of the PTA meeting and baked cookies and shit.” I huffed out a laugh.
The image she was painting of my mother’s childhood seemed strange to me. My mother never talked that much about what it was like for her growing up. Hell, we never really talked about anything. I learned about most things on my own. I had to figure out sex on my own. And at fifteen with an inexperienced Jimmy Nelson in his parents’ basement, it was a horrible first lesson. I had to teach myself that drugs were not a good thing and to drink in moderation. I had to learn to always be aware of my surroundings and to keep my guard up. I basically had to teach myself life.
“Is it horrible that I don’t even miss her?” My voice was barely above a whisper. I should have felt guilty about saying that. But it was the truth. She had been a sad excuse for a parent. At the end of the day, I had to remind myself that she was my mom. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for her. Although, there were many days when I debated if that was such a good thing.
“No. Some days I have the same thought. She left me long ago and never gave a second look back. Why should I waste my love on someone who doesn’t want it?” Nan said looking off into the distance. “I still wonder if there weren’t things I could have done differently. Better.”
“Nan, you couldn’t have…” I grabbed her hand and gave it a firm squeeze.
“Can’t change the past. Only can enjoy the present and try your best to hope for the future.” I gave a silent nod of agreement. “And by enjoy the present, I mean enjoy it.” She winked at me. Crazy Nan was back.
“Okay. Okay. I get what you’re saying.” I rolled my eyes at her. I wondered what sex was like at her age. I wondered if it was the same old or if it changed somehow through the years. I was about to ask her, then I remembered she was
my grandmother and I grimaced.
“That boy there is meant to be enjoyed. You can’t tell me you haven’t thought about it.” She looked at me pointedly. I blushed and closed my eyes.
“There will be no enjoying of anything in any way with him.” I knew she could see right through me.
“He bought me a car,” I grumbled.
“He bought you a car,” she said in a happier tone.
“He didn’t give me a choice.” I pointed out again.
“He’s keeping you safe. He doesn’t see that as an option.” She pinned me with a hard look like I should have seen it that way the whole time. I rolled my eyes again and flopped sideways on the couch.
“Pull yourself together. You’ve got work later and I need to go get my hair done for my date tonight.” She patted my leg then got up.
“Date? Do I even want to know?” I asked, regretting it as soon as it left my mouth. Luckily, she didn’t say anything else. She only flashed me a mischievous grin and headed into the kitchen.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Loch
I knew Reagan would be pissed, but I had no idea that woman had a fight in her like that. It was almost amazing. Hot as hell too. Then something in her broke and I saw it. I had pushed too far and now I had no idea how to fix it. I didn’t think there was a way to come back from this.
I tried to shake the whole thing off as I rode to the clubhouse. I needed to clear my mind. I had things to take care of. I walked in and waited for my eyes to adjust to the low light before I made my way back to Cal’s office and knocked.
“Yeah,” he said with a grunt. I pushed the door open, then took a seat on the other side of his desk.
“Sounds like the boys had a good weekend,” he said with a knowing smile. I nodded, not particularly in the mood to talk about it. I didn’t want to let on that it wasn’t as fun for me. “So, to it then?”
“When’s the next run?” I asked trying to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“Two weeks. Gonna send you out. Leave Wednesday, drive down, stay at that place right on the edge of town. They want you at the docks at seven a.m. then you head back. South Carolina boys will be here Saturday to pick up. Figured we should store it at the model home this time.” I nod.
“We should talk about patchin’ Brandon in before this run. Make this his first official one,” I said, knowing he was going to get everyone’s vote.
“My thoughts exactly. Then we’ll throw a party. Hell, think all of us could use that.” He clapped his meaty hands together in excitement. The sound was piercing in the small, quiet space. “How is everythin’ else?”
“Town’s good. Things have been quiet. No one seems to need anythin’ lately,” I answered. “Think we should think about what is next for us. Strip club won’t work so well around here. Things are growin’ but not quite that much.” I huff out a laugh and Cal smiled and gave a short nod.
We both thought that small steps were the best. The garage was a much-needed addition and had been doing well, almost too well. It was pulling in its own money and giving some of the brothers something to do.
“Keep thinkin’. This place is only going to get bigger. Fewer families movin’ away. And now we seem to have a corner of younger people lookin’ for that off the beaten path kind of town that has charm.” He grunted and it was like he was saying ‘damn youngins these days’. I laugh, because I halfway felt that way, too. “Church tomorrow night. We’ll get everythin’ out of the way.”
I nodded and headed out. I needed to check on things. We did a lot for the town. Something needed to be repaired, we fixed it. If we couldn’t, then we find a way to make it happen. The buildings that the shops were in on Main Street were old. It felt like every week there was something falling apart.
I made my rounds and found out that everything looked good. No one was having any problems and things seemed quiet. I decided to head to the bar, knowing Reagan was off. It was only a few hours ago she slapped me, but it felt like minutes. I couldn’t shake the things she said to me. I couldn’t shake how shitty I felt about the way I made her feel.
I walked in and made my way around the bar. I grabbed a glass and a bottle of Jack then took a seat next to Brandon at the far end. Chris raised an eye brow and I knew he has no idea what was going on. Brandon gave me a pointed look, but like normal, said nothing. I poured and took a quick shot then poured another. Chris took it as a sign he should be elsewhere and made himself scarce.
“I fucked up.” I broke the tension of silence after a few moments. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Brandon give a few nods while playing with the label on his beer.
“You gonna fix it?” he asked like it was that simple.
“The fuck am I gonna do?” My tone was deep and had an edge. “I can’t do this fuckin’ woman shit.”
It was true. In all my years, I’d never had a girlfriend. I had a feeling even if I had, it wouldn’t have helped me out a damn bit. Reagan was in her own class. Her own fucking orbit. I didn’t think there was anything out there that could prepare a man for her, no matter how good he was. Not that it was a bad thing. I wouldn’t doubt that was the reason that I was drawn to her, the fact that she didn’t lay down and let me run all over her. That woman had a backbone made of steel.
I felt like a damn girl sitting there talking about my damn problems about her, but I was at a loss when it came to her. And for some odd reason, all that mattered was to do the right thing when it came to Reagan. I cared. More than I was ready to admit. And I wished I could’ve gone back and done it all over again. The question was, would I even do it any different? No, probably not. But maybe I would find a better way of going about it.
“Well,” Brandon said, taking in a slow breath. “You want me to tell you what I’d do?”
“Yeah, what the hell am I sittin’ here yappin’ about this shit if I didn’t think you could help me?” I should have been nicer, but Brandon knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t angry at him. He ducked his head a little more trying to hide the smirk on his face.
“I think you went about it all wrong. Look at it from her point of view, and actually be her in that picture. Now, mind you, I don’t know what you did to her while you took her out, but you basically took her away under false pretenses. She probably thought that you wanted to hang out with her. Spend time with her. That’s the way girls think, man.” He paused and I nodded letting him know I was listening. “Then you bring her back and she finds out it was all so you could pull one over on her.”
“That’s not how I see it. That’s not how I meant it.” I took another shot.
“But that’s how she sees it. You used your handsome face to trick her, in a sense. Now she’s all butt hurt and pissed because you went behind her back and got her a new car. You didn’t even bother to get her input on it. You went and did what you usually do, you get shit done. But she doesn’t know you and doesn’t know that you always do things with the best intention. She doesn’t see that you did it ‘cause you care about her.”
“I don’t—” The ‘I’m not stupid, man’ look on Brandon’s face made me stop talking. I took another shot. There was no use in trying to deny that I had a soft spot for her.
“All she sees is the lying and manipulation,” he finished his rant. I sighed, realizing he was right.
At that point, Chris had come back to this side of the bar. I knew he was listening in and I was too stunned at my dumbness to care. I couldn’t believe that was how she saw it and I couldn’t believe that I didn’t know that was how it looked. I hadn’t felt stupid many times in my life, but that moment was one of them. I looked up at Chris waiting for him to weigh in as well. I could’ve used all the help I could get.
“You should fix this. I don’t know all of what happened, but I can tell you she’s pissed.” That was all Chris had to add.
“Well now that I get the problem, how do I fix it?” I asked feeling at a loss still. “Should I just give her the car back? I don’
t want her driving that thing around, not that she goes far, but you never know.”
“Then make it safe to drive,” Chris said with a little shrug like it was such an obvious answer. “You don’t have to tell her everything you did to it, only that you made it safer for her.” I looked over to Brandon. He knew I was telling him to go get her damn car back before I even said anything.
“It’s at the shop. Diesel and Tank are working on it. Should be ready in a few days,” Brandon said. I eyed him. Damn kid was smart. Had my back before I even knew I needed it. That was the thing about him, always looking at every angle and always looking ahead. I let out a small laugh.
“Thanks, man,” I said, clapping him on the back. He shot me a wide-eyed look of surprise. He was quick to recover, tossing me a head nod in return.
I had a better outlook on things now that there was a solution. I didn’t even let the fact that my old ass just got schooled by two guys nearly half my age. I crossed my fingers that the plan would work. But knowing the fire I’d seen from Reagan, I had a feeling there was about to be a lot more making up for me to do. The thing was, I didn’t mind. For whatever fucking reason, I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to make her life easier. I wasn’t a good man. But an odd feeling of wanting to lift and carry some of her burdens hit me. It felt like the most important thing I could ever do in life.
The next day I headed to the garage to help out. I wanted to see how it was going with Reagan’s car. I also wanted to work on something to take my mind of the whole thing. I was sure by that point that most of the brothers had heard about what happened. Or at least the part about me buying her a new car. I knew they were wondering why they were fixing up her old piece of junk since I had. No one said anything, though. I was glad. I wasn’t wanting to get into it, anyway.
Four-thirty rolled around and we found a stopping place. We went over to the clubhouse to have a few beers before church started. The mood was light, everyone was relaxed and laughing. That was the way it should always be. However, even in a small town, there are things that can weigh heavy on us, individually and as a whole.
