It was when I reached the final picture that an almighty anger overtook me. The rage was so heavy the weight of it threatened to choke me. Carrie stood smiling at the camera with a champagne flute raised, in a wedding dress beside a tall good looking guy who was staring down at her with so much love I wanted to stamp on his scrawny neck and stop his airway instantly.
“Ben died three years ago in a car accident.”
I jolted, spinning to look at her when she spoke quietly. She was looking at the photo I didn’t realise I was holding. “I… Shit, Car.”
She shrugged and smiled. “Yeah, I know. You ever marry?”
Shaking my head, I went to take a seat beside her on the sofa. “No.” I didn’t have anything else to add. She nodded slowly. “Did you love him?” I wanted to slap myself at the need to know, her eyes widening in shock at my question.
“Of course I loved him, I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.”
I didn’t like the way my stomach twisted. I’d never done jealousy since Carrie, and I was sure I’d never feel it again but there it was, smacking me in the face as physically as the woman I loved had done not a few minutes before.
“So,” I ventured on, quickly changing the subject. “You’re the new crown judge.”
She narrowed her eyes for a moment but nodded, taking a sip of her coffee. “Yeah, transferred from Manchester last month.” I could feel her eyes on me when an awkward silence descended, but Carrie being Carrie voiced her thoughts openly. “So, when am I going to be seeing you in the dock? I hear you work for the lovely Jake Devine.” I didn’t answer her, just looked at her, but she didn’t hold back. “I have to say I’m somewhat disappointed.”
“Oh?”
“Mmm,” she murmured. “After everything in our childhood, everything your father was I honestly thought you’d have taken a more law-abiding route through life Adam.”
“Oh, really?” I scoffed at her double-standards.
“Yeah. I mean your family killed my brother and your best friend, yet, there you are relishing in the death of other peoples brothers and best friends.”
I smiled, it was either that or throttle the condescending bitch. “I always knew you’d make a judge, Car. You were always so good at judging fucking people!”
She snorted and shot up. “I think you’d better go before we both say something we regret.”
“Before?” I laughed bitterly. “You never did hold back, did you? Fuck hurting people with violence, your mouth…”
“How fucking dare you!” she screamed. “You left me. You sat back and watched your father kill Gabe then you just upped and left. It was bad enough that I’d lost my brother, Adam, but you just left. I didn’t see you again for over thirteen years.”
I hated myself right then, watching and unable to move as tears streamed down her face, her devastation and fury blazing openly across her face. Her shoulders sagged and she turned around, a gesture she’d always done telling me she’d finished.
“Please,” she choked out, “just go.”
“Carrie…”
“Go, Adam. I’ll probably see you in court sometime.”
I sighed, shaking my head sadly although I knew she couldn’t see me. “Yeah, babe. Yeah.”
I refused to listen to her sob when I closed the door behind me. And I refused to let my emotions be heard. Fuck her. Judge fucking Duke suited her. Because she only looked at what she saw with her eyes and made a decision instead of looking at what she didn’t see. What she’d never seen. My loss. What I lost for her.
I’d lost more than my family and my lover that day. So much more. But she would never know because she never asked.
Three
Carrie
I watched, tears already in my eyes, when Adam dropped before me, his admiration and love open and fierce on his handsome face.
I knew before he asked what his question was going to be. And although we were both only eighteen, I knew what my answer would be before he even asked. However, I remained quiet, allowing him his moment.
“Babe,” he whispered, his cheeks blood red when all our friends cheered and whooped. “I love you, Car, you know how much I do.”
I nodded, still mute, my heart rate going crazy. I swore I was going to pass out, the alcohol from the night adding to the frenzy bursting through my veins.
For a moment, he seemed to struggle, his mouth opening and closing as nothing but a wisp of air came out, but then he found it and the hugest grin appeared across his face. “Shit babe, you know all this sentimental crap. You know I feel it all, every single one of those girly emotions. Marry me, Carrie. Fucking marry me!”
I laughed, nodding when I still couldn’t form a coherent word. His grin turned into a serious expression as his Adam’s apple bobbed manically. I reached out, cupping his face when a stray tear bubbled over the edge of his eye and trickled down his cheek, and caught it secretly on my thumb before his friends saw it. “Of course I will, you know I will. How about tomorrow?”
His grin returned. He jumped up, picking me up and whirling me around and around as our friends cheered louder. I frowned when I noticed Cole’s strange expression. Realising I was watching him, he blinked and smiled, but I’d seen it. I couldn’t understand because Cole was the one who had been our go-between when Adam couldn’t find the courage to ask me out four years ago.
Pulling me from my contemplating, Gabe snatched me from Adam’s arms and pulled me into a hug. “Congratulations little Sis.” Looking up I smiled to him. He turned to Adam, his expression changing to match that of Cole’s not seconds before. “You make sure you look after her Ad. You know…”
Strangely, Adam coughed, cutting him off and slapped his best friend on the back. “You know I will, Gabe. Forever.”
Gabe closed his eyes for a moment, then gave a simple nod before turning to the crowd who had turned up to celebrate my eighteenth birthday. “Let’s get pissed! We have something to celebrate!”
“Carrie!” I blinked as Emily came into my vision, her grip soft on my arm. “You okay? You were away with the fairies then.”
“Uh-huh.” I nodded as if that would verify the lie. Em narrowed her eyes on me but I yawned and closed my laptop. “Christ, I’m buggered. I’m off to bed, chick.”
She nodded, reaching up to return my kiss. “Night, hun.”
I sighed when as soon as I dropped onto my bed, my phone beeped.
Cole:
Any news?
I stared at the message, my heart both sinking and thumping. Without replying I threw my phone onto my nightstand. What the hell did I say?
After showering I pulled out Gabe’s shirt and climbed into bed. Today was a bad day. It was his birthday and although I missed him every day, his birthday and Christmas was always the worst.
Flicking off the lamp, I groaned when the tiny blue LED flashed on my phone, alerting me to another text. I knew it would be Cole, he hated when I never answered him.
However, the unknown number didn’t hide the fact that this message was from Adam.
Unknown number:
Happy 34th birthday Gabe. I miss him too, every day Car. Every – fucking – day.
Scoffing, angered by his audacity, I stabbed at the keys on my phone, replying quickly and foolishly.
Me:
Really? Shame you killed him then, maybe we’d have all been out celebrating with him and his own family right now.
Not seconds later, he replied.
Adam:
I didn’t kill him, Carrie. I did everything I could to save him. You never even try to understand. You always used to make your own mind up, seems you haven’t changed, babe.
Me:
What the hell? How the fuck am I supposed to understand when you couldn’t be bothered to explain. You have no idea what I went through when you just decided I wasn’t good enough, just like you did with Gabe.
Adam:
Are you prepared to listen?
Me:
Too little, too
late!
Adam:
Yeah, see.
Me:
Goodnight Adam.
What a twat! Some things never changed. It seemed Adam had grown into what he used to despise as a teenager. My father. His father. He’d hated how manipulative the man had been, how brutal and sadistic his own flesh and blood was. Yet here he was, working for a man that made Adam’s father look like Yoda on helium. How dare he judge me! What the hell gave him the right to question my life and what I had become? It was people like Adam’s dad, Tony Marshall, and Jake Devine that had made me stand up and want to make a difference. And now I was being dragged into the corrupt world once again.
In Manchester, everyone had known how straight and clean I was. No one had even tried to ask me to bend the rules, yet my first month in London and the police commissioner was already trying to make trouble for me.
Luckily I was liked in the chambers and I’d been given the nod by a few that Ted Michaelson was making it his mission to get me transferred, or at worst struck off.
I knew it was a bad idea accepting Delilah’s request for me to move. She’d been my mentor and my idol. She’d been the one who had told me I was strong enough for the distinction that London gave. She’d known I’d wanted to make a difference and after hearing about how easy the London judges were swayed by the lowlife’s that ruled London’s criminal underbelly, we’d both been determined that I would serve there.
But now, now, I wasn’t so sure anymore. I knew I could handle the work side, but my heart was struggling with the constant reminders of how life had been many years ago. I missed that life. I missed both Gabe and Adam with my very soul. I’d always missed them.
I’d never managed to move forward and I had hoped that seeing Adam once again would help me do that, that maybe the fury would turn to hatred when I saw him again and I’d finally be able to move past it all.
How wrong I’d been.
How very, very wrong.
Four
Adam
She was shocked. I knew every one of Carrie’s expressions and when she’d taken the verdict from the jury to read out, her eyes had widened and she’d stared at them with a look of complete amazement.
“The Jury finds the defendant…. Not guilty.”
She looked furious as a murmur of shocked gasps echoed around the room but her expression softened when she looked apologetically at the woman sat at the front who had brought her husband to trial for attempted murder. I must admit, I was shocked myself. The case was cut and dried, or so I’d thought. The evidence against the husband was overwhelming, photos and witness statements had practically put the man away. Yet there sat Carrie, reading out a verdict of not guilty.
Her gaze roamed the room until it settled on someone stood in the corner. The hatred and look of contempt on her face had me craning my neck to see who she was staring at. Ted Michaelson winked at Carrie before he smirked and walked out of the courtroom.
Carrie snapped her gaze to the jury who each lowered their eyes, shame not out-weighing their full pockets. It was obvious they’d been paid off by Jake’s father just to piss off Carrie. I’d heard she’d already had a run in with him and if I knew anything about Ted, he didn’t like to be denied anything. But neither did Carrie. They both had a fight on their hands and although I knew Carrie was now as straight as they came, I couldn’t help but root for her.
Everyone in the room stood when Carrie stood. Turning to someone sat at the front desk, she snapped, “My chamber, now.” The woman nodded quickly, collecting some paperwork before scurrying after Carrie.
I moved past people as they filed out, the woman prosecuting her husband crying into the shoulder of what appeared to be her mother as they moved past me. Narrowing my eyes when her husband spat out, “Keep your eyes open Pauline.” I stared at him. Noticing me watching, he curled his lip at me. “Got a problem?”
I snorted but shook my head. “Not as much as you have, mate!”
He peered at me quizzically when I smirked, chuckling to myself as I winked at him before he was escorted out by two security guards.
The woman who followed Carrie rushed out of a door, her cheeks glowing as a few tears scurried down them. Seems my little spitfire hadn’t changed much at all.
Diving through the door before it closed and I’d have to ‘tamper’ with the keypad, I smiled widely when Carrie’s face snapped up and she glared at me.
“Hey honey, I’m home!”
She rolled her eyes and huffed. “I thought we’d said all we had to say yesterday, Adam.”
Pursing my lips, I nodded. “We did. That was until I found out that Ted Michaelson has made it his mission to finish you.”
She quirked an eyebrow. “If you think this is news to me, I’m afraid it’s already last weeks chip paper.”
“I didn’t expect it to be, babe.” She flinched at my endearment but even after so many years, I found it difficult to drop. Leaning forward, I dropped my voice. “Give me his address and I’ll enact my own brand of justice, Carrie. I’m good at that.”
Her mouth fell open and she stared at me. “Are you for real?”
“Never more so. I’ve been following the case for the last two weeks.”
“Why?” she asked somewhat bewildered.
“Well, I haven’t actually physically been in court, not until I heard your lovely self was the ruling judge. But anyway, seems Jake has a vested interest in Pauline Reynolds. Someone’s ex-wife or something. I dunno, just do as I’m told.”
She continued to stare at me like I was reading the Kama-sutra in Greek. Leaning forwards, I propped my palms on her desk and looked at her. “All I need is his address, Carrie.”
I already had the bastards address, but I wanted to see what Carrie would do faced with such an opportunity. Jake had made sure I was on top of what was happening in court. Pauline was the wife of one of our old friends who had been murdered in prison. Jake made it part of his business to make sure all family members were well looked after if anything happened to one of his men. Pauline had married the tosser last year who she had tried to bring to court. All she’d had to do was go to Jake but the first we’d heard of it was when a court insider had recognised her name and then told Jake, hence why I’d been sent to make sure the prick was sent down. And because of Carrie’s feud with Ted Michaelson, through no fault of her own, the bastard was now free. And now it was up to me to make sure he wasn’t breathing after midnight.
I watched as many different emotions filtered across Carrie’s face. I knew she was tempted. Her sympathy with Pauline was evident, and I knew she’d be blaming herself for the outcome. But would she actually do anything about it?
Eventually, she sighed and shook her head slowly. “You know I can’t Adam.” Her voice was pained and low, sadness making her close her eyes for a moment.
I sighed, mirroring her, but gave her a slow nod. “I know, babe.”
Just before I closed the door behind me she shouted my name. Turning, she was watching me, her eyes full of whatever was in mine. “Thank you though,” she whispered.
“Any time, babe.”
Her smile turned into a grin when I winked. My own grin was as huge as I left the building.
***
The shower was hot and good, my body sighing in appreciation as I watched the blood swirl in the water and drain away with another of my sins.
I was exhausted tonight, the week and all the drama drawing on my reserves. If I was honest with myself, it was also because every time I lay my head on the pillow, Carrie’s face filled my thoughts, her cute little nose, her bright blue eyes, her long blond curls.
Drying off I frowned when I heard my phone ringing from somewhere and digging into the pocket of my jeans, my brow creased further when Carrie’s name scrolled across the screen.
“Carrie?”
“Heyyyyy, babe.”
I stalled, her slurred voice a new one on me. In all the years we’d been together, I’d never seen her drunk o
nce, she seemed to have a unique ability to down alcohol and never get tanked-up.
“Are you okay?”
She giggled. That was also a new one but one that gave me a small smile. The sound of it was quite stimulating to my heart, my stomach twisting with need at the mere sound of it.
“I’m actually really goooood. I just wanted to say thank you for today.”
“Thank you?”
“Uh-huh,” she mumbled, “for the offer of gutting that bastard just for me.”
“Okay, babe.” I cut her off quickly before she slipped further on an unsecured line. “Where are you?” She muttered something to someone and I pressed my ear to the phone at the sound of the male voice. “Carrie! Where are you?” I repeated, my gut growing angrier as his voice grew louder.
“I said no arsehole!” Carrie spat. A ruckus sounded as I shouted her name but the line went dead.
“Shit!”
Quickly plugging my phone into my laptop I fired up the software as I yanked on some clothes. By the time I was dressed an address was scrolling across the screen. By the time the laptop had shut back down, I was already tearing out of my driveway.
Five
Carrie
Everyone looked from me to the knobhead laid out on the floor. Emily just rolled her eyes and sighed. A security guy who had rushed over when the guy had grabbed me by the throat just stared at me like I had four heads. I shrugged. “I don’t like my neck touching.”
Loyalty Page 2
