She turned her head and wiped her cheeks. Stewart didn’t attempt to hide his own tears. Exhausted, she allowed her bottom to rest on her heels. She put her hands on her thighs. Stewart’s hands never moved from his lap.
“I was seeking a friend, but found my soulmate. You became my best friend. My only friend. I knew my feelings were growing the day I made an acquaintance with your sister, but I didn’t believe you felt the same way. My heart was yearning for my first kiss, yet I believed you only saw a study partner when you looked at me.”
“Nay, that would be impossible.”
There was no longer any anger in his tone. He moved to wipe the wet streaks from her cheeks, but when his hands were inches from her face, he pulled back. Pain streaked through her chest. She drew a shuddering breath.
“I made a grave error, allowing you to kiss me. I know I should be overcome with regret for that decision, but my heart is not. I yearned to experience having your lips touch mine, and I felt more than I dreamed possible.” Natasha stopped, hoping Stewart would speak, but he remained silent. “I’m expected to present myself in a reserved manner, yet I found myself discussing very private matters in your company. Over the years, I have divulged far more than is appropriate regarding my family, and the lack of love I received. I did not know how it felt to be loved, the true meaning of affection. I enjoyed having your arms around me, and cherished the affection you showed me. When you told me you loved me, I looked into your eyes, certain you were sincere. Please forgive me,” she begged. “I enjoyed lying with you, and will cherish that experience with my last breath.” Emotion overcame her, and her voice began to crack. She broke down. Her body heaved with silent sobs. She fought for and regained her composure.
“You informed me you were falling in love, and I was selfish, desperately wanting to be loved. I have been stupid, and naive, and blind to your emotions. I never suspected a proposal of marriage. You must know in your heart, Stewart, there is nothing in this world I want more than to be your wife. To bear your children. To grow old with you by my side. But that is an impossible dream. I’m so sorry. Please, I beg of you, you must believe I never meant for you to get hurt. I have always known my heart would be shattered, but….”
His face had softened. It was pleasing to see his eyes were no longer icy. He was listening.
“I have deceived you, and for that I apologize, but I don’t recall an appropriate time to confess the truth. The day we made our acquaintance at the river you were very polite, but would have turned and walked away the moment I formally introduced myself. I recall, as if it were yesterday, conversing with Vicki. You made a condescending reference regarding my family.”
Stewart scowled. He didn’t remember the conversation she was referring to.
“I’ll never forget your condescending tone or words. Allow me the opportunity to refresh your memory. ‘It’s not as if the royal family would ever lower itself and converse with us mere commoners.’ It was impossible for me to confess the truth. I fought back tears. The pain in my heart that day was overwhelming.”
“Good God,” he whispered, closing his eyes. “You became quiet. Instead of encouraging you to speak, I allowed you to walk away. Foolish. What was I thinking?”
“My memory of the day ends with the pleasure of your lips against my cheek.”
He looked at her once again.
“I should have been appalled, never returning to the river. Instead, the moment I found myself alone, and without allowing myself to express it, my emotions exploded with joy. I also recall our first kiss. Once I experienced that sensation, I encouraged you to continue although I knew it was not proper protocol. I will never forget that slow, gentle kiss.” Natasha closed her eyes and smiled. “The moment your lips touched mine, my entire body tingled. You opened your mouth. That kiss. That passionate kiss. I was certain my skin would not contain my pounding heart.”
A cramp developed in her foot. She opened her eyes and adjusted her position. It didn’t help. Her foot had fallen asleep. The sensation of pins and needles crept up her calf. She ignored the discomfort and softened her tone to just above a whisper.
“I became acquainted with your momma and poppa. I witnessed, and felt the love in their home. I was—” she stopped to correct herself, “—I am envious. After witnessing a tender kiss they shared, I yearned for a deeper connection to you, and your family. We rode back to the university yesterday, and I spent the time thinking. I knew it would be my only chance to lie with you without being seen. Once I graduate, I must return to my home. I’ll never see you again. Naïve, I thought I could lie with you, feel the intimacy of your body next to mine, and be content.” She blinked, looking up at the ceiling. “I put personal pleasure before common decency. You must think me a common prostitute.”
“Never.”
“I will never cease to love you, Stewart Donovan. Nor will I forget the evening we shared. With my last breath, I shall close my eyes and remember your body inside mine. I cringe knowing another man will touch me in such a way, but no other will enter my heart. I will never feel passion with another.”
Emotionally drained, exhausted, and with her feet and calves numb from squatting, Natasha collapsed on the floor. She pulled her knees up to her chest, crossed her arms around her legs, and buried her head as she wiggled her toes. Finally, she looked at him. “I will regret the pain I’ve caused you until the day I die, but I will never regret falling in love with you. I will spend eternity cherishing every moment we shared.”
“May I speak?”
It hurt to hear him ask, as if they were strangers.
“Stewart, please. Don’t treat me differently.”
“Forgive my ignorance.” He kept his voice lowered. “But, is Natasha your real name, or…?”
She sat up, brought the skirt of her dress over her legs and brought her knees to her chest. She placed her hands around her knees.
“Indeed, my name is Natasha. I have twin brothers, Marcus and Joshua. I deceived you about my surname only. The day I made your acquaintance, I informed you of my given name without thinking. Once I realized what I had done, my mind raced for a fictitious surname. With my studies of literature, William Shakespeare’s name came into my mind. My brothers would never have questioned the surname Shakespeare, but I couldn’t take the chance that you might. I decided to adopt his wife’s name as my own.”
Stewart groaned, turning his head and staring at the ceiling.
“Anne Hathaway,” he acknowledged, turning his attention back to her. “Love is blind, and deaf, and I’m such a fool. Were you ever planning to confess the truth?”
“Honestly?” Natasha closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and reopened her eyes. “No,” she admitted. “During your first year at university, I was certain you would fall in love with a student at school. Every Friday I waited with mixed emotions. I must confess, you walked toward me, and I was overjoyed knowing we could converse, and kiss, one last time. You were missed, much missed. I prayed you would inform me you had fallen in love, and we should never see each other again. My heart would crumble apart, but I would be happy for you.”
“That would be impossible. Knowing you as I thought I did, how could I ever look at another woman?”
“I was naïve to suggest you apply to Picton, and then stupid to beg for permission to attend. During my first year I discovered you were devoted to me. You focused every moment of your time to your studies, and returned to be by my side.” Natasha turned her head. The light caught the diamond Stewart had proposed with.
“You’re so intelligent I never believed your focus could be diverted from your studies. You have two more years of university, Stewart,” she said, as if he needed reminding. “Two difficult years. For the life of me, I never assumed you were contemplating an offer of marriage. You were supposed to return for your master’s, fall in love with the woman that would carry your children, and I would become a faded memory.”
Stewart pushed himself off the chair and
knelt down in front of her. He pulled back from her. That hurt. Her status. Her bloody status as a princess was infringing on their friendship. She sobbed. A few hours earlier they were lying together, and now, Stewart refused to touch her. With trembling hands, she reached out and touched his arms.
“Please Stewart, forget my title,” she begged. “I’m losing my only friend, my….” Grief and guilt consumed her. Why did Stewart have to learn the truth? To be hurt? “I deserve this pain, but you do not.” She slid her hands down his arms until her fingers were resting on the back of his hands. He turned his palms up, and held her hands.
“We’re both grieving,” he whispered. “You have a claim on my affection no other could possibly profess. I couldn’t bid you farewell. I love you so much, it would be impossible to love you more.”
Natasha lowered her gaze unable to respond.
“Do you no longer love me?”
She raised her head and looked at him.
“My personal feelings remain unaltered. But I would rather have my heart broken a million times than to see you suffer further. I am certain I fell in love with you the day we met. You looked into my eyes and spoke with me. My heart yearned to see you again. My life has been dictated to me. You’re fortunate to have the luxury of choosing a bride, and raising a family with a woman you love. I will equip myself with fortitude, and resignation, and accept my future life with a man the king deems acceptable, and bear….” She could not continue.
“Tell me what to do,” he pleaded. “To remain in your life. To take you as my wife.”
Natasha shook her head. “That’s not possible. Open your eyes to the opportunities before you. Fall in love, and forget I ever existed.”
“I won’t do that,” he spoke with conviction. “I cannot do that.”
“You must, Stewart,” she demanded, taking a tighter grip of his hands. “You’re an intelligent, passionate man. You must allow another to enter your heart.”
“No. I won’t,” he vowed. “I think of you when we aren’t together. I cannot be near you and ignore you. Think of what you’re asking of me. Every man in this school will approach you if they believe we’re no longer friends.”
Natasha closed her eyes. In her mind, all she could see was Stewart holding another woman in his arms. Kissing another woman. She put her hands over her closed eyes and shook her head in an attempt to block the image. “I beg of you, remain my friend until graduation. Once we leave these buildings, I will not return to the river. You’ll never see me again.”
“Are you capable of living contently without me?” he asked, visibly upset.
“No,” she whispered. “I didn’t ask for my place in society, Stewart. I would give my life for the privilege of wearing your ring. I would be the happiest woman in the world if I were able to accept your proposal.”
Stewart leaned forward, placed his hands on her cheeks, and kissed tenderly on her lips. Refusing to yield to temptation, Natasha pulled back from his touch, determined to stay firm to her conviction. It was imperative Stewart walk out of her life forever.
“You’re not making this easy,” she cried. “My heart yearns to swim in the river, join you for long walks, converse with you and your family, and lie with you. To bear your children, carry them inside my womb.” She laid her hands on her stomach. “Beautiful, blue-eyed children that resemble their poppa. I have contemplated this for six years, Stewart. If it were possible to make this dream reality, I would become your wife before this day was through.”
Stewart stood, reached for her hands, and helped her to her feet. Exhaustion had set in. She wobbled, struggling to remain upright.
“We will remain together,” he informed her in a determined voice, “I’ll become acquainted with your father and convince him I’m a worthy suitor. He will give his blessing.”
“Unless you have a royal bloodline….” Stopping herself, she shook her head.
He released her hand, placing a forefinger under her chin. He tilted her head up.
“I will never give in. A life without love is no life at all.”
“Stewart, you must. Father has power, connections, and resources. He would be infuriated with the knowledge I have not dedicated all my time and energy to my studies. Enjoy your break and return here to university. Open your eyes and your heart to—”
“No,” he growled angrily. “Fight for us. I plan to marry you.”
She had never heard such intensity in his voice. Stewart’s determination was gaining momentum. Exhausted, Natasha couldn’t think straight.
“Stewart, please. Father doesn’t quit. Nothing will stop him. It doesn’t concern him if people are hurt. I cannot bear to see you suffer.”
“You’ve admitted your feelings. Be brave and fight for the love we share. After lying with you, I will never love another woman. I cannot bear the thought of losing you. I would sacrifice my life before allowing you walk into the arms of a man you don’t love.”
“Stewart, you must stop and think of the consequences. If Father doesn’t approve of a marriage he will force me to return to the castle. I will never see your face or speak with you again.”
“I won’t allow that to happen.”
Natasha sat on his bed and buried her head in her hands. The bed shifted. She opened her eyes. Stewart was sitting beside her.
“You don’t understand the power he possesses. If I don’t return home, out of stubborn pride he will search for me. Nothing will stop him. I fear you could lose your life assisting me. Heaven knows it’s possible your family could also be in danger. I beg of you, turn your back and forget I exist.”
“Don’t be pessimistic, Natasha. It’s possible your father will be pleased you have found happiness.”
“It’s impossible for you to understand my family. My happiness doesn’t concern my father.”
“Your happiness is my utmost concern. You’re not leaving my side. My heart would never stop grieving if you weren’t in my life.”
Natasha took a deep breath and sighed. Frustrated, he wasn’t listening to her. He wasn’t thinking as he should.
“I deceived you and caused you pain yet you still insist on supporting me,” she mumbled. A single tear fell down her cheek. “You should be running from me.” She rubbed her fingers over her cheek and into her hair. She grasped a handful, trying to think. “If you promise not to come after me, I’ll walk out, walk away from this school this minute, and never look back. I won’t graduate. You’ll never see my face again. Release me from your heart,” she begged in a barely audible voice, never more tired in her life.
“No.” He put his arm around her shoulder.
She closed her eyes and leaned her head against his shoulder. “You’re so stubborn. You’re a fool. You should be running. You should throw me out of this building and onto the street.”
“Shh,” he whispered. He kissed her forehead. “You’re exhausted, and you’re not persuading me to leave you. You will graduate with your degree,” he said firmly. “You will remain in my life, and in my heart. Although you haven’t accepted my ring, you will accept my proposal of marriage. God willing, we will be happy as we raise our family. I’m in love with you, Princess Natasha.”
Natasha cringed. Nothing could sound worse. “Promise me something.”
“If it involves remaining in your life, I’ll do anything for you.”
“Don’t address me so formally. I despise that title and everything it represents.”
“You have my word,” he assured her.
“Why did I return to the river?” she asked. She opened her eyes and looked at him. “Why did I make your acquaintance?”
“For my unconditional love. The emotional bond we share will never fade, Natasha. It’s worth the fight.”
Stewart leaned forward. Although Natasha should pull away, she allowed him to kiss her.
“Lord help us,” she whispered. “Please help us.”
She let Stewart pull her down onto the bed with him. Her last thoughts were
a desperate yearning to stay like this forever. To stay in the comfort of his arms.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Deep in sleep, Natasha jumped at the sound. Someone’s at the door. Opening her eyes, she flinched at the unfamiliar surroundings. She felt Stewart’s arm around her, comforting her. I fell asleep in Stewart’s room.
“Yes?” Stewart asked in a raspy, sleepy voice.
“There is a message for Stewart Donovan,” a male voice called. “A gentleman is expecting a response.”
“Thank you, I will be down in a moment.”
He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
“My parents knew I was proposing marriage. They’re expecting to hear we’re engaged.”
“No, please, I beg of you. You can’t divulge my secret.”
Stewart stood up, grabbed his writing supplies from his desk, and ran out the door.
She was standing by the small mirror fixing her hair with her fingers when he returned. Stewart shut the door and slumped in his chair.
“I wrote that you fell asleep on the train. That I lost my nerve. I’ll be content to wait for the perfect moment. I’m deceiving them again,” he groaned. “All my life we’ve had a close bond, an open relationship. I will respect your wishes, but I’m not pleased. They deserve to know the truth.”
“That is much appreciated. We require assistance.” She had to think. “Who can we turn to? Who can we trust? I’ll contact Nanny,” Natasha informed him. “Although we haven’t conversed since the holidays, I’m certain she’ll come.”
Stewart stared at her, his eyes huge. “You’re planning to approach an employee of your parents?” he asked. “Are you mad? I would prefer conversing with my parents.”
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