She nodded. “Of course.”
Suddenly he didn’t want to sit behind his desk. The power play position was not the one he wanted to have at this moment. So, he moved his desk chair around in front, next to Emma’s. He angled it a bit so they were almost facing each other. “Do you mind?”
She shook her head. “No. Not at all. This is nice.”
He studied her for a moment. Her cheeks were flushed, her chest rising and falling with short breaths. Her fingers clutched the arms of her chair.
He chuckled. “The last time I saw you grip those chair arms like that, was the day I told you I wanted to fuck you.” He watched her face as he said the words, and finally, she relaxed and grinned back.
“Yes. That was quite the surprise.”
He leaned forward. “Emma, I’m dying here. May I…I would just like to…” He reached out his hand, hoping she would take the hint. “May I hold your hand?”
She waited, eyeing him, then slowly lifted her hand and placed it in his palm. Her eyes closed as they touched, and it was all Gage could do not to pull her forward and wrap his arms around her.
“Thank you,” he said.
“You’re welcome.”
He needed to go on. “Emma, I need to talk, and I hope you will listen. I’m not sure where to start so maybe you can give me some guidance. Tell me what you need to know.”
Emma gave a quick nod. “All right. Why did you investigate my old boyfriends?”
He swallowed, realizing this was probably the easier question. Maybe she realized that. “I knew from our brief discussion something was off about your previous sexual relationships, especially the prom date. Emma, our BDSM-related sexual activities have been quite mild, honestly—they could get more intense—and I wanted to be sure I could handle it. That you could handle it. I didn’t want anything in the past to mess with your head. The thing was, what I learned about your rape messed with mine. I didn’t want to trigger negative responses in a sexual way. It is something I want us to discuss more. That is, if we should move forward…”
He stopped. “Okay, I’m getting way ahead of myself.” He watched Emma inhale and let it out. “I didn’t hire that investigator for any other reason than that.”
“To make sure I could handle what you were going to dish out?”
“Basically, yes.”
“I see.” Her gaze played over his face. “I want to think more about that. Tell me about Amanda.”
Gage closed his eyes. I can do this. “My story with Amanda is a long one, and there is no way we are going to get to everything today.”
“Then give me the short story, and tell me about that video. That’s a good place to start.”
Gage encased Emma’s hand in both of his, caressing her index finger with his thumb. “I didn’t come to Billings until I was nine. I’m adopted. I was born in Livingston and lived there with my mother, mostly. My parents were very young when they had my younger brother Murphy and me. My dad was killed in a car accident when I was three, and Mom supported us however she could. Mostly by prostitution. Men were coming and going, and she was either drunk, or high, most of the time. I’d watch men hit her, and then I’d listen from my bedroom as they fucked her. I didn’t know that sex was any other way.
“Then the Parkers came into my life—Tom Parker was a friend of my daddy’s. They offered to take me off my mama’s hands, and she signed away her parental rights. She wouldn’t let them have Murphy. There’s more to that story, but I’ll stop there. When I got into high school, I met Amanda. Her daddy’s farm is about ten miles down the highway. She stirred up a fire in my gut like no girl ever had. My hormones were raging, she was willing, and she liked it rough. My brain kept going back to where it was when I was a kid, listening to what those men did to my mom, and I did what I thought I was supposed to do. I had a hard time separating the need to hit her and fuck her, at the same time.”
Emma winced and he moved closer. “It’s not pretty, Emma, but it’s who I was back then. I was young and stupid and didn’t know any better. I’m not proud of it, not at all. Later on in college, I discovered BDSM and learned how to be a Dom. I explored the lifestyle, did a lot of reading and research, and learned how to do it right. It felt good. Felt right. This way, I could separate those sexual urgings from the anger but still be in control of how the sex was carried out. Being a Dom helped keep me from being like those men who beat my mom, and that stupid young shit who had to hit Amanda to get off. BDSM has actually been a good thing for me. It helped me gain control over my actions and my emotions.”
“Until you experienced emotions you didn’t know what to do with.”
Gage stared at her. “Yes.” He watched Emma’s face and imagined the cogs turning in her head. “Emma, what you saw me doing with Amanda in that video was consensual. She and I had already worked out what I could and could not do to her. When I came back from college, we drifted back together. In some ways, it felt like I was protecting Amanda by giving her what she needed, rather than her going out and getting roughed up by some dickhead who didn’t give a fuck about her. I never went over the boundaries, and I never had a sex scene with her when I was angry. The two were separate. I taught her how to be submissive the right way, and I never hurt her.”
“There were red welts on her back from the whip.”
He nodded. “Yes. It was rough. I never broke the skin. I never bruise or leave permanent marks. The redness comes with repetition. The more sensitive the skin becomes the more powerful the sting, and the harder the orgasm. That’s what Amanda likes.”
She licked her lips. “And you liked taking that whip to her?”
Shit. Gage stared into her eyes. “Yes. Because I knew in the end it was going to give her what she wanted—a whole helluva lot of pleasure.”
“This is why we had the hard limits discussion.”
“And why I would never, ever do anything to you that you did not want me to do. You hold that power, Emma. Not me. It may look like I’m the one in control, but in fact, it’s you. I will always respect your hard limits, and I will always make sure that whatever we do together ends with your pleasure.”
Emma sat, quietly contemplating everything he had said. At least that’s how it seemed. He wished he knew exactly what was going on in her head. Now, though, it felt like a thousand pounds of horseshit had been lifted off his shoulders.
Finally, Emma gave a quick nod. “Okay.” She pulled her hand out of his and stood up. Gage rose too and she looked up into his eyes. “I need some time to process this.”
Gage sighed. “Of course.”
She started for the door and then turned back. “Have a safe trip to Phoenix, Gage.”
He nodded. “I will. If all goes well, I’ll be back tomorrow evening but I am not certain. I wish I didn’t have to leave…so we could talk more about all of this, but…”
Emma reached up and put two fingers on his lips. “Sh. It’s okay. Go do your work and we’ll talk when you get back.”
“Promise me you’ll still be here.”
She nodded. “I promise.”
****
Three hours later Gage sat in his first class window seat staring out over the Rockies as his plane headed south toward Phoenix. He couldn’t help but feel with each mile the plane took him farther away from Montana, he was leaving a part of himself behind.
His heart. He sure hoped Emma would keep her promise and still be there when he got home.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Leaving Gage’s office, I hold my head up and work to keep my feelings in check. What I want to do is turn around and rush into his arms, and feel the strength of his body hold me close to his heart. I know that is the worst thing I can do, because I am not ready. Not really. I don’t think Gage is, either.
I give Chad a smile and small wave as I leave and head back to my office. He winks back. For the rest of the day I push into the work piling up on my desk, but all the while, I am processing and thinking about the things Gage
said in the background.
My evening is simple, same as all of the others this week. I spend a little time researching BSDM and lifestyle relationships online. The more I learn, the more I begin to understand how Gage got involved and why—and how, in many ways, he was being protective of Amanda. By the time I head to bed, I lie there and think about Gage. He is not in Billings or at the ranch. He is hundreds of miles away in Phoenix. I wonder if perhaps he is lying in bed too, staring up at the ceiling as I am.
I pick up my phone from the nightstand and scroll to Gage’s number. I hesitate for a moment, and then push the button to make the call.
It rings twice. “Hello? Emma?”
“Hi, Gage.”
“Is everything all right?”
“Yes. I… I just thought I would call. I wondered if you were—”
“Lonely?”
“Well, maybe.”
“Emma, I’m lying in bed and all I can do is think of you and how much I want to be home.”
Tears sting my eyes. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too, my Emma.”
“See you soon.” I pause for a moment. “Goodnight, Gage.”
I fall asleep with good thoughts. When I wake Friday morning, I know exactly where my head is, and where I want my life to go next.
****
The directions Chad gave me were easy enough to follow. After a morning of diligent work that cleared my desk, I gave myself the afternoon off and headed southwest out of Billings toward the Branded Filly ranch. I didn’t expect Gage to be there. According to Chad, if all went well with his meeting this morning, he would land a little after five o’clock this evening.
Plenty of time to accomplish what I want to accomplish.
This is my first venture out of Billings since I arrived, and I’m enjoying the rocky terrain and the endless miles of road. But as I pull into the ranch and follow the dirt road there, my stomach tenses up. When I slowly make my way toward the cluster buildings and the ranch house, and see them waiting on the porch, I nearly back out.
But I don’t.
I park and get out of my car, standing beside it, and look at the two people staring back at me.
“Hi,” I said. “I’m Emma.”
The man takes the two steps down from the porch, tips his hat, smiles and extends his hand. I shake it. “Nice to meet you, Emma. I’m Cole, and this is Amanda.” He glances behind him.
I looked at the blonde standing on the porch. “We’ve met.” I force a smile and start up the porch steps.
Cole takes my elbow. “Let’s head inside where we can talk.”
****
We sit at a round, pedestal table in the kitchen, coffee cups in hand. “I just wanted to see you again, Amanda, and talk on my terms,” I say after a moment. “I was pretty much blindsided when you approached me in the park.”
She said nothing, just stared.
I turn to Cole. “Chad said you were a good man, Cole, Gage’s best friend, so I thought maybe it would be nice for you to be here too. I’m not here to question, validate anything, or get anyone’s approval. And I’m not here to accuse or point fingers.” I look at Amanda, still watching. “Gage and I talked, and he explained the past relationship between the two of you. I understand, so there is nothing you can do or say to drive me away.”
She still doesn’t speak.
“I love him.” I pause and watch her reaction. I also look to Cole and see a slight smile on his face. Then back to Amanda. “So I can understand why you love him too.”
Amanda takes a sip of her coffee then sets the cup down on the table. “I’m not in love with him, Emma. Not like you are. Mostly, I’m afraid of not having him to lean on, than anything else. I need Gage for a lot of reasons, and it scares the shit out of me thinking I’ll never have him in my life again. In that way, at least.”
I sigh and stare into my coffee, wait a minute, and then say, “It scares the shit out of me, knowing the kind of relationship the two of you have had, that I’ll never really have anything close to that.”
Cole clears his throat. I don’t look up. Amanda scoots her chair closer to mine. “Emma, you don’t want the rollercoaster kind of relationship we had. From what I can see, what you two have together is far bigger than anything Gage has ever had with me. I can see it in both of your eyes.”
I catch her gaze. “I wish I could be certain of that. I’m not jealous of you, Amanda. I want to make that clear. I just don’t have the kind of history with Gage the two of you have had.”
Amanda shakes her head. “You don’t need that kind of past, Emma. You have his future.” She pauses a moment and then adds, “You know, Gage has given me new hope. He released me, in a way, so I can move forward in my life. I’ll always be grateful for what we’ve had, rough as it was, but he’s encouraged me to make a new future for myself, too.”
Smiling, I reach out and grasp Amanda’s hand. “I hope so,” I tell her, and I mean it.
I knew, though, that in order to secure my own future with Gage, I might have to come face to face with his past. “Where was that video shot, Amanda?”
She looks at Cole, and I follow her gaze. The man looks like he’s just been put between a rock and hard place. He stands up and looks at me. “I think that’s something you need to discuss with Gage, Emma.”
I shake my head. “No. I want to know where it is now. I need to process some things before he gets back. I assure you, it’s all I’m going to ask of you.”
Cole studies me for a few minutes, then nods. “All right. I’ll show you. Amanda, why don’t you go on back home now.”
She agrees. “Probably a good idea.”
Amanda doesn’t look at me or say anything else, just slips her denim jacket off the back of her chair and heads out the door. I hear her truck start, and she’s gone.
“She’s still working out a lot of things.” Cole turns to me.
“Aren’t we all.” I look straight at him.
He grins. “Let me show you something.”
He leads me across the parking lot and into the barn. He unlocks a door just inside, and we step into the large, wood-paneled room as he flips on the light.
I glance about. “Wow. What happened?”
“Gage happened.”
“He made this mess?”
Cole nods. “Yep. Right after he found out Amanda had gotten to you, and you left him. He pretty much tore this place up and told me to have someone take everything away.”
“But you didn’t.”
“Not yet. I’ve not had the time to deal with it.”
“Then don’t.” I step further into the room and try to take in everything I see. Toppled furniture and equipment. Drawers and their contents scattered. Lots of black and brown leather, a sofa in one corner, and a bed in another. I glance at my watch. Three hours until Gage lands. I turn back to Cole. “Thanks for letting me in,” I tell him, “but you can leave now. Let Gage know where he can find me when he gets home.”
“Emma…”
“Please, Cole. Let me do this.”
He paused for a few minutes, studying me. “You’re sure about this?”
Nodding, I say, “I’m positive.”
Chapter Twenty-Six
“Emma!”
Gage dropped his luggage on the kitchen floor and shouted Emma’s name again as he walked through the house. He’d called Chad from the airport and learned she had headed to the ranch earlier in the day. He didn’t understand why, but that didn’t matter now. She was here, somewhere, and all he wanted to do was get his arms wrapped around her.
Cole rounded the corner and Gage stopped up short. “Where is Emma?”
“Slow down there, Gage. What makes you think she’s here?”
“Her goddamn car is parked outside, Cole. Now where is she?”
“Oh yeah. That,” Cole said. “She’s in the tack room.”
“What?” Gage paced the kitchen. “What in the hell?”
“Calm down, cowboy.” Cole st
epped up to him. “Listen to me before you go all half-cocked out there. She called this morning. Chad gave her directions. She came out and talked with me and with Amanda.”
“What?”
“It’s okay. It’s all good. Breathe. By the way, I like her.”
Gage felt like his lungs were going to explode. “Why is she in the tack room?”
“I’m guessing that’s something you’ll need to ask her.”
Gage turned and headed for the door. His blood pressure was shooting sky high, and he didn’t know how much longer he was going to be able to take this. His dick had been throbbing since he’d gotten off the plane, in anticipation of the possibility of seeing her. The mere idea she was at the ranch had caused him to think of all sorts of scenarios, and the only one he really wanted to entertain was the one where she was there because she wanted to be with him.
His chest hurt again. He hurried across the porch and the parking lot, and burst through the tack room door. It rocked shut behind him with a loud bang.
Emma looked up from where she was fiddling with some items in a cabinet. “Gage,” she said on a breath. She put down one of his toys in the drawer. “You’re back.”
“I am.” He looked around, still confused. “Who cleaned this up?”
Emma turned. “I did.”
“Why?”
“Because I wanted to spend time in this room and with all of these…things. In fact, I organized them for you.”
Gage looked around again. “I don’t understand.”
Emma stepped closer and took his hand. “Here’s the deal, Gage. We never got a chance to go over my lists. Remember? The hard limits list? The things I won’t do and the things that intrigue me?” She pointed to some items in a large plastic tub on the floor. “Well, those are things I won’t do. They have to go.”
Gage glanced to the pile. He saw his single tail, a bullwhip, a slave collar and chain, a couple of ball gags, and candles and wax. He looked back into her face. “All right,” he said. “I can live with that.”
Unforgettable Heroes II Boxed Set Page 228
