by Abby Ayles
Lord Gilchrist often told himself it was for the lady’s own well-being that he had done so, but in truth, it was because he was green with jealousy.
“What is your question?” Lord Gilchrist asked, doing his best to hide the icy cold of his tone.
“Well, it’s just that. I’m sure you must have been mistaken. I have spent much time with him over the course of the season and I never noticed anything that might suggest he was less than honorable,” Lady Abigail quickly rambled on.
“For someone who knows him so well, it is strange that in all our conversations, you never once mentioned him,” Gilchrist countered.
He was doing his best to control the emotions threatening to boil over. He couldn’t decide what was more hurtful. It certainly couldn’t be that Lady Abigail had chosen another over him. Any whole gentleman shined a great light compared to his broken frame.
It was more hurtful that, over their time spent together, he had opened up to her in ways he had done with no one else since arriving back home. It hurt that, in all that time, she had kept something from him.
“I didn’t mention him because I didn’t want to be rude,” Lady Abigail did her best to explain a reason she didn’t fully understand herself.
“Perhaps it was for guilt. Maybe you did know that he was not the savory type and knew that I would bring such to your attention had you mentioned him,” Lord Gilchrist cut back.
“Those are uncalled for assumptions,” Lady Abigail said, now having heat rise in her cheeks.
“Are you calling me the liar, then?” Gilchrist said, coming to stand. “I know what I saw that day at White’s and I heard from the wretch’s own mouth that he was unwilling to pay a debt he rightfully owed.”
“If that is the kind of man you choose to associate yourself with, then I think we have nothing more to say to each other.”
“You—” Lady Abigail said, now coming to stand herself. “You have no right to speak in such a manner. You, who shut yourself up away from the world. How can you possibly judge someone else’s character as a gentleman when you don’t even have the courage to leave your own house?”
She took a step back, surprised by the words that flowed out of her mouth. She had said too much. Lord Gilchrist was looking at her with rage boiling over.
It was a little bit frightening and Lady Abigail sat back down in her chair. Gilchrist paced the room a few times. He was desperately trying to get control of himself.
In his mind, he was wondering what had ever drawn him to such a woman. Not only had she poor taste in character, but she was maddeningly insulting to boot. Had she been a man under his command, he certainly would have given her a piece of his mind.
Finally, he snatched his cane up and turned to leave the room. There would be no way for him to control his temper in her presence.
“You may do what you like. If you choose to take the rake’s word over mine, I can do nothing to stop you. I confess this is where we will have to part ways. I cannot tolerate being in the presence of a woman with so little wits about her.”
Lord Gilchrist spoke these words in a soft, defeated tone. It wouldn’t have mattered if he had chosen to shout them instead of speaking as he had; they still stung to the very core of Lady Abigail.
In that short declaration, he announced that he had removed all care or feelings for her. Even worse, he had reduced her down to the silly girl who cared for nothing more than to talk about dresses and races.
“If that is how you feel about me, then I agree that we have no more to say to one another. It is a good thing that you will be returning to your country home.”
Lady Abigail looked away from the Earl of Gilchrist so that he would not see the tears that stung her eyes. She had grown to see more inside the man than she thought was there. In the end, it seemed that he was truly cruel-hearted deep down to his core.
Without looking her way and without another word spoken between them, Lord Gilchrist took his leave of the room. It was only when he was entirely out of the house that Lady Abigail let herself crumble into the tears that she had held back.
Lady Abigail wasn’t entirely sure if she had made the right choice to support Lord Heshing, but one thing she was sure of, she would never forgive Lord Gilchrist for the hurtful way he had treated her that day.
Lord Gilchrist climbed into his carriage and ordered the driver on to his home with haste. That morning had not gone at all as he had hoped. He had wished to come to her that day to continue to grow a relationship between them.
He had never dared hope that Lady Abigail would come to care for him in the way that he had cared for her. Never in his wildest nightmares, however, would he have considered Lady Abigail accusing him of giving a false statement about another.
Had she honestly thought so little of his character all this time? It was clear that the lady he had thought he was getting close to was not at all the one that was, in fact, Lady Abigail.
He would make plans to leave London immediately. Once proper preparations were made, he would leave his country estates for America. Perhaps in the new world he would also be able to carve out a new life for himself, away from the peerage, the screaming children, shocked ladies, and offending Lady Abigail Grant.
Chapter 20
Once Lord Gilchrist had retired to his home, and was calm enough to see clearly, he felt ashamed of his behavior. He should never have raised his voice so, especially at Lady Abigail. It was just further proof to Gilchrist that he no longer had a place in society. He was just as ripped and torn on the inside as he was on the outside.
Over the next few days, his nightly dreams turned much darker than the ones before. It seemed every time he closed his eyes the only image that flashed before him was Lady Abigail’s horror-stricken face as he yelled at her and the tears she turned away from his view.
He would never forgive himself for the way he had lost control of himself. Gilchrist was sure that Lady Abigail would never forgive him either.
The heightened stress of their meeting only seemed to make his emotions more uncontrollable, and he feared another outburst. So, it was with a deep despair that he determined he would never again leave the confines of his house in London, except to take the carriage back to his country seat.
When Gilchrist announced his departure to his mother and sister over dinner that night, they both argued against it. They would not have him run and hide himself away. To Lady Louisa, all her hard work to see her brother return back to his old ways seemed for naught.
Gilchrist listened to their objections quietly. He refused to lose his temper again.
“I appreciate how much you two care for me,” he said once they had both said their piece. “I have made up my mind. I will be leaving at the end of the month. I will meet with Mr. Henderson one last time before I go. I need to go over the necessary preparations.”
“Preparations? What for?” Lady Gilchrist squeaked, not sure if she could handle more news in one night.
“To see to the needs of our Virginia plantation.”
“No, Colton, please don’t go again,” Lady Louisa pleaded, tears welling in her eyes.
“It will just be for a time. Mr. Henderson is much too old to make the journey anymore.”
“So hire another,” Lady Louisa encouraged. “Please do not leave.”
Gilchrist reached across the table and took his sister’s hand.
“I’m sorry, old girl,” he said softly. “This is something I just need to do. I can’t bear to be here any longer. I fear I will lose all my sense if I am cooped up any longer, and I cannot bear to go out in the community.”
“Something you need to do,” Lady Louisa said, pulling her hand from her brother's grasp. “That is what you said last time.”
Before Gilchrist could say any more to ease his sister, she stood and removed herself from the room. In truth, he couldn’t blame her for her anger. He had told her the very same thing the last time he left. That had turned out to be disastrous for all of them
.
He knew, however, that this was the right course for him. He needed distance. He needed space between him and an infuriatingly frustrating lady who could never love him as he loved her. He needed to escape the sideways glances and whispered words. More than anything else, he needed to get the image of Lady Abigail from his mind. The only way he could see to do so would be to put the entire length of the ocean between them.
He was sure that, after that dinner, Louisa would go running to Isabella. She would be sure that either Isabella or the Duke could sway his mind. In truth, the only person who could ask him to stay and have it hold weight in his heart would never do so.
He wouldn’t even risk the chance of it, however. Lady Abigail could ask him to stay merely upon the request of her sister-in-law and he wouldn’t be able to refuse her. Gilchrist knew he surely would go mad if he were to stay, though.
He would not be able to bear the sight of Lady Abigail in company with Heshing. He was sure, after their last conversation, that she would not only include him more in her intimate circle, but most likely marry him.
He would not be able to stand by and watch as she gave her life over to such a horrible man. However, as things stood, she trusted him very little. If Gilchrist were to tell Lady Abigail what he knew to be true of Lord Heshing, she was sure to resent him even more for it. This was something he couldn’t even handle the thought of.
Lady Abigail took quite some time to recover from the events that had transpired with Lord Gilchrist. She had never seen him so out of control of his own feelings, or so hurtful toward her. It affected her for many days after.
Of course, it didn’t help that from that moment on, Lord Gilchrist went out of his way to avoid her. Twice, Lady Abigail accompanied the duchess to visit with her dear friends. While she sat and spoke with Lady Louisa and her mother over tea, she secretly hoped that Lord Gilchrist would appear.
He did not leave his office for the entirety of every single one of her visits. It was most disconcerting to her. She desperately wanted to find a way to make amends with Gilchrist. He seemed to be so at odds with Lord Heshing, and the mere fact that she had been developing a relationship with him was offensive to Gilchrist.
What troubled her most was not that there was a rift between her and a friend, but that she feared she might never see Gilchrist again. He certainly made a point to keep them from even looking upon each other, let alone having a conversation.
It was most vexing to Lady Abigail. During the short few months of the season, even when she had disliked him so, Gilchrist had become nevertheless an essential fixture in her life. Now that she had gotten to know him better, she no longer saw the sour exterior that he seemed to turn to as a reflex.
Lady Abigail greatly missed the private conversations they had held in his drawing room while making the mittens for the boys. She had felt so much closer to him than any other lord up until this point in her life. It was as if she had always been secretly holding a small portion of herself back from the opposite sex. With Lord Gilchrist, all her guards had come down and she had felt free to show her whole true self.
“Abigail, is everything alright?” Isabella asked one morning.
The ladies were preparing to leave to visit Lady Louisa’s home for the traditional weekly trip to the Foundling Hospital. Abigail hadn’t much to show for herself since the last time they had gone to meet with the children. She had been far too weak from her illness.
She still had the basketful of mittens that she hadn't delivered last time, however. It was Lady Abigail’s greatest hope that today would be the day that she finally got a chance to speak with Lord Gilchrist.
“Nothing is bothering me,” Lady Abigail said suddenly, shaking herself out of her inner thoughts.
“Are you sure, dear?” Isabella looked on her with worry.
The ladies had just finished breakfast and were gathering in the drawing room before heading over. Isabella laid down the linen she was doing some last-minute fixes to and stared at her sister-in-law intently.
“I’m fine. I have recovered well,” Lady Abigail did her best to sound like her usual self.
“I am not entirely speaking of your illness,” the duchess responded, a little embarrassed. “I might have overheard the conversation between you and Colton. I never meant to,” she added hurriedly, “but these walls are very thin.”
“It’s alright. I am sure it would have been hard not to hear,” Lady Abigail said, shooing away the duchess’s worry.
“I so wish there was something I could do to help,” Isabella said. “I am afraid I agree with Colton, however.”
“So, now you are taking sides?” Lady Abigail said, more exasperated than angry.
“It is not sides. We are just all worried for you, Abigail. I would hate for something bad to happen to you because I didn’t voice my concern.”
“And I have spent the most time with Lord Heshing over the last few months, far more than any of you. Does that mean you question my judgment? That I am not able to discern when someone is being dishonorable? I can promise you that Heshing has been the perfect gentleman, with no signs of any character folly.”
“I do believe you,” Isabella said, placing her hand on top of Lady Abigail’s. “However, I know that sometimes,” she struggled to find the words, “the face a man shows to the ones he cares for is sometimes his best. He keeps the dark parts of himself deeply hidden.”
“I wish I could change your mind about him,” Lady Abigail said.
She cared for her sister-in-law as much as any other member of her family. She deeply wished she could find a way for them all to come together somehow and find peace again.
“I sincerely hope you can,” Isabella said with a soft smile.
Chapter 21
The four ladies sat around the comfortable sitting room of the Gilchrist house. In many ways, this room had become a second home for Lady Abigail. This particular day, she sat on the end of her seat, anticipating Lord Gilchrist’s entrance through the door.
She wouldn’t be able to engage him right away, but he would have no choice but to speak with her when they went to the boys’ school together.
Their luncheon was coming to its end, and still, Lord Gilchrist had yet to join them. Lady Abigail didn’t want to draw attention to her need to speak with him. She was sure, outside of Isabella, no one else knew the situation that had caused a rift between the two of them.
“Is Lord Gilchrist not joining us today?” Lady Fortuna asked, much to Lady Abigail’s relief.
“Unfortunately, he won't be,” Lady Louisa said without looking up from her teacup.
The duchess shared a glance with Lady Abigail before asking, “Is he not feeling well?”
“No, he is his same pigheaded boorish self,” Lady Louisa said, full of spite.
Realizing she had spoken her irritation aloud, she looked around the room apologetically. The duchess knew that Louisa must be really upset for her to voice her feelings in such a way.
“I’m sorry,” Lady Louisa said, setting down her teacup. “Colton won’t be joining us today because he is making preparations to return to the country for a short time.”
“Returning to the country?” Lady Abigail couldn’t help but say, a little louder than she should have. “Not for long, I hope,” she added, trying to smooth over her outburst.
“No, not for long,” Lady Louisa said, but still with a bitter edge to her tone. “He will be leaving next spring for the Virginias.”
All the women in the room sat there with their mouths open.
“We have a plantation there,” Lady Louisa explained to the gaping crowd. “He intends to oversee the holdings since our solicitor is getting on in age.”
“But, he will not stay?” the duchess asked with concern in her eyes.
Lady Louisa smoothed the skirts of her cotton walking dress to hide the tears welling in her brown eyes.
“He claims that he only plans to go for a short period of time and then return,�
�� Lady Louisa finally answered softly.
Isabella reached over and took her friend’s hand to give her strength.
“I am sure if he says he will return, he will.”
“Yes, but what part of him?” Lady Louisa murmured in despair. “The last time he left, he returned half of who he once was. What will happen this time?”
A tear slipped down Lady Louisa’s cheek, and the three women hurried around her like clucking chickens. Lady Abigail did her best to focus on Lady Louisa’s pain and not dwell on the lump growing inside of her own heart.
Lord Gilchrist stood outside the drawing room door and listened to the sound of his sister crying yet again since he had told her of his plans.
“Colton is not off to war. Perhaps he will come home better than he has been since his return?” the duchess encouraged.
“You only know the half of it,” Lady Louisa said, now overcome with her emotions. She was dabbing at her eyes with a provided silken handkerchief. “He has such awful, violent nightmares at night. He doesn’t think I know, but I hear him scream. That is only on the nights he does sleep. Sometimes he will go days without leaving the office.”
Lady Abigail was surprised to hear this news. She knew that Lord Gilchrist had struggled with the mental scars that came with battle. She had no idea that it was so devastating as to cause violent nightmares.
Lord Gilchrist was seething now outside the door. He walked away in a fit of rage. It was bad enough that Louisa had been aware of his nightmares. There was no reason for her to go and share his most intimate secret with every lady she sat down to tea with.
Next, there would be a mob outside the door insisting the monster be transferred to Bedlam Asylum. He couldn’t stand the betrayal he felt, that his own sister was encouraging others to think him mentally deficit.
He knew that it would only give Lady Abigail more reason to doubt his opinion of the offending lord. She would consider his mind to be totally defective.
