by S. H. Kolee
I shook off my wandering thoughts, forcing myself to concentrate as I chanted. I thought of my aunt's last words to me, telling me to come to her. That we would fight the vardogers together. I thought of Sarah, of the countless hours she had spent consoling me after my visions. Her fierce protectiveness of me. And I thought of Simon. Of how it had felt to be in his embrace. Of his words of love. I felt myself slowly fading, the women's voices sounding fainter and fainter. I vaguely wondered if I was falling asleep when suddenly there was a rushing in my ears and I felt as if I was falling down an endless hole, a forceful wind surging against me, pushing me down until I felt I was going to suffocate.
Chapter Two
I opened my eyes, trying to escape the darkness but instead of seeing my aunt's friends standing above me, nothing changed. I closed my eyes and opened them again, willing myself to see something, but there was no discernible difference between my eyes being open or closed.
Panic started to rise as I tried to move but I felt bodiless. I willed my hand to move up in front of my face to see if I could make out its shape, but I felt no answering movement from my limb. In fact, it felt as if I had no limbs, as if I was just floating along, a soul with no body to call its own.
Fear wasn't the right word to describe what I was feeling. Fear sounded too human. Too concrete and definable. A blackness had entered me, a blackness so profound and deep that it swallowed me whole, from the inside out.
I was on the verge of giving myself into the blackness when I suddenly saw a shaft of light. It was shimmering, refracting onto itself like it was caught underwater, incandescent beams illuminating the murky depths. I strained my eyes, the only part of my body that seemed to be working. The only part of my body that seemed to exist. I tried to make out recognizable shapes before me, frustration mounting when all I could see was rays of flickering light.
Suddenly the rays of light moved with fast purpose, no longer meandering but pushing against the darkness with force. And they were aimed right towards me, funneling through the dark with a single-minded determination. I whimpered, although the sound reverberated through my mind instead of being audible. The lights hit me with a fury and everything exploded into color, figures and sounds moving through my mind with dizzying speed, faces contorting and bodies straining. I could hear voices, both familiar and foreign, warning me, guiding me, threatening me. It was a mind-numbing over-abundance of sensations and I struggled to hear everything, to retain everything. To understand everything.
Just as abruptly, the images became blurry, the sounds discordant and unintelligible. It was painful to experience and I felt claustrophobic. The sounds and images were flooding every part of my psyche, digging into every crevice of my mind like they were trying to overwrite what was already there.
It was easy to let go, to let the sensations overtake me. It didn't hurt if I didn't resist it. The feeling of slowly disappearing was pleasant, like I was being lulled into a gentle dream where I could finally rest.
There was a niggling thought in my head. I tried to push it away but it surged back to the forefront of my mind. Aunt Brenda hugging me the last time I saw her. Sarah's delight when she surprised me with a homemade dinner on my last birthday, despite the smoke that was billowing from the kitchen. And Simon. Simon's eyes when he told me he loved me.
I jerked forward mentally, wanting to clear my head from thoughts of rest. I tried to push up through the darkness, like a diver breaking up through the water after a deep plummet. I had to get back to the surface to help them. They needed me.
"Caitlin!"
My eyes fluttered open, squinting from the light that seemed harsher and brighter than before. Lenore, Cecelia and Marie were hovering over me looking terrified, their faces flushed as they repeatedly yelled out my name. Lenore had one hand on my shoulder and was shaking me roughly.
I sat up and pushed off Lenore's hand, trying to get some room to breathe. "I'm okay, I'm okay. Please stop crowding me."
Marie fell onto a chair opposite me, her shoulders slumping with relief. The relief turned to anger when her attention shifted to Lenore. "I told you it was too dangerous! We almost lost her!"
Cecelia was still standing, wringing her hands together and staring at me wide-eyed. Lenore ignored Marie's outburst and sat down on the sofa next to me, watching me closely.
"Did you see anything?"
All the images I had experienced crowded my mind and I struggled to put them into order, to make sense of them. "Yes, but it was confusing. I just got snippets of things, not the full picture." I took a deep breath before continuing. "But I can tell you that the vardogers are stronger than ever. Aunt Brenda told me about their physical tell once they've overtaken their person. About the pupils dilating when you say their name. They can control that now. They've made that weakness obsolete."
Cecelia sat down at my revelation, wringing her hands even more frantically and making a small sound of distress. Lenore ignored her, her eyes boring into mine. "What else?"
"Simon and Sarah's vardogers were able to detach themselves because of Claudia. My vardoger isn't even with me now. It's with Claudia. Claudia's vardoger is no ordinary shadow. Now that it has control over Claudia's body, its powers are immeasurable. It has the power to sustain other vardogers, to forge their energies together so that they can defeat even the most powerful seer."
"And who's the most powerful seer?" Lenore's voice was hushed. Even Cecelia had stopped wringing her hands. I couldn't see Maria's expression because her head was bowed.
"It-it can't be me," I stammered, my heart pumping loudly, fear coursing through every vein in my body.
"Who is it?" Lenore asked again, her voice harsher this time.
"I saw them trying to enter me, to take over my body. My vardoger, Simon and Sarah's vardogers...they're going to try and overtake me. I think they believe that their combined energies will be strong enough to push out my soul. Even while I'm awake." My voice had quieted to a whisper, and I felt chilled by my own words. Saying out loud what I saw under hypnosis made everything seem real. Too real. "Or worse. Even if they can't push out my soul, they think they can still overtake me. So my soul is trapped while they control my body."
"But the iridium." Cecelia interrupted, straightening with a determined expression on her face. "They can't touch you while you're wearing iridium."
Lenore didn't turn to look at Cecelia. Instead, she kept her gaze on me, looking contemplative. Even though her look wasn't accusatory, I felt as if I were somehow to blame for all of this. I couldn't help feeling guilty as I told them the worst news.
"They've found something to counteract iridium. To negate iridium's properties that protects seers from vardogers. I don't know what it is. It looks like iridium, but instead of reflecting light, it reflects shadows."
Cecelia cried out in horror and even Lenore's expression darkened. Marie kept her head bowed, but she started rocking back and forth.
"I'm sorry." I felt the need to apologize. I didn't want to be the bearer of this horrible news.
"Was there anything else?"
I bit my lip before answering Lenore. A part of me wanted to keep the last thing I had seen under hypnosis a secret. It's not that I thought my aunt's friends had any ill intentions. After all, they were her inner circle, the people that she relied on. But I didn't know if I had the luxury of trusting anyone right now.
"Caitlin?" Lenore sounded impatient and I decided I would have to take the plunge and trust someone. I couldn't do this on my own.
"I saw Aunt Brenda. She told me to look for her journal. That I'll find the answers that I'm looking for there."
"Answers to what? To the vardogers evolving? To what they've found to combat iridium?"
"I don't know. Everything started becoming hazy and then I felt like I was drowning. Maybe you can put me under again—"
Marie lifted her head and finally spoke. Her eyes were shimmering with tears but her expression was fierce. "No! Absolutely not. Caitlin, w
e almost lost you. Your pulse kept getting slower and fainter until we couldn't feel it anymore. You were barely breathing. At one point, I think you stopped completely. And your skin...it was so cold. We tried and tried but we couldn't pull you out."
Marie turned her gaze to Lenore and I could see the accusation in her eyes. "I should never have let you put her under. Don't think I'll let you do it again."
Lenore sighed, as if Marie was just a nuisance. "I wasn't going to suggest putting her under hypnosis again. But everything turned out fine. We got important information. Information that will help us save lives. Isn't that the whole point?"
Marie didn't answer. Instead, she just looked away, her mouth tightening. I wondered at the dissension between Marie and Lenore. I had assumed my aunt's inner circle was a harmonious group but there were apparently some power plays happening that I wasn't privy to. But that wasn't my concern right now.
"Are you sure?" I asked. "Maybe I should go under again. I didn't get the complete picture."
Lenore shook her head. "No, Marie is right. We can't take the chance again. We were just lucky that you were powerful enough to pull yourself out." She gave me a speculative look. I ignored it, standing up. I had to brace myself against the arm of the sofa, feeling faint from the movement. Lenore got up quickly, holding my shoulder.
"You'll probably feel a little weak for a few hours. You've put your mind and body through a lot."
"I need to go back to my aunt's house. I need to find her journal."
Marie stood up, walking towards me. "We'll go with you. You're in no condition to go anywhere alone right now, especially back to Brenda's house."
"Marie, you and Cecelia stay here," Lenore commanded. "I need you to contact our network, find out if any other seers have experienced what Caitlin has seen. We need to find out what the vardogers are using to overpower iridium."
"But she can't go alone! You know she's in a weakened state-"
Lenore put up her hand, cutting Marie off. "She's not going alone. I'm going with her."
Marie looked like she wanted to argue but Lenore's expression brooked no argument. She sighed with defeat and nodded her head. I got the feeling she was used to acquiescing to Lenore's demands.
"Let's go," Lenore said briskly, and I followed her outside to her car. I had an unsettling feeling as I saw Marie watching us through the window as we pulled away. I had wanted to insist that Marie come with us when they were arguing. I felt like she was on my side, which was strange because it wasn't as if Cecelia and Lenore were against me. They were trying to help me; they wanted to find Aunt Brenda just as much as I did. I reminded myself that Lenore had said she was my aunt's closest friend.
I tensed when we pulled onto Aunt Brenda's street. There was a black Audi in her driveway and I knew instantly whose car it was. It was empty and I wished Lenore had locked my aunt's front door when we had left. Then we wouldn't be in this predicament.
"Stop. That's Simon's car."
Lenore immediately hit the brakes two houses down from Aunt Brenda's. "Maybe we should come back later."
I was surprised by her reluctance. I didn't think she would be deterred by anything, let alone Simon, who was a victim in all of this. "No, I need to find my aunt's journal. But I don't want Simon to see me. It'll make everything more...complicated. He's safer not being around me since the vardogers seem to be following me." But even though I knew I should keep my distance, I couldn't help wanting to see him, to make sure with my own eyes that he was okay. "But I think I should check to see if he's okay. I left abruptly, without telling anyone where I was going."
Lenore lifted an eyebrow. "What do you suggest we do?"
I gave her a weak smile, trying to be braver than I felt. "We could try the spying approach. But why don't you stay in the car."
Lenore shook her head emphatically. "That's not a good idea. The last thing you should be is alone right now. Besides, I know Brenda's house like the back of my hand. I know what we can do."
I was grateful for Lenore's insistence on joining me, despite everything. She killed the engine and we walked quickly to my aunt's house. I kept expecting the front door to open, for Simon to step out and look at me with condemning eyes. But we made it to the house with no incident.
"Over here," Lenore whispered, waving me over to the side of the house. She bent down, peering through a small window that was just a few inches above the ground. She seemed satisfied with what she saw and looked back up at me. "This window leads to the basement. We can shimmy in this way."
"Is it open?"
"Brenda is terrible about remembering to lock her windows." Lenore pushed the window and it opened readily. "It's going to be a tight fit but I think we can both make it. There's a table directly under the window. Make sure you're balanced on it before you let go of the windowsill."
Lenore straightened and looked at me expectantly. I wanted to ask her to go first, but I was starting to realize that one didn't contradict Lenore. I kneeled by the window, looking at it a bit dubiously. It was the quarter of the size of a regular window and didn't open all the way. Instead, it was hinged at the top and only opened halfway. I sucked in my stomach as much as I could and carefully slid the lower half of my body through the window.
It was frightening going in blind, and I was sure that I was going to feel someone, or something, grab my legs. My legs flailed in the air as I tried to find the surface of the table. I was relieved when my foot caught the edge of the table and I moved my foot around until I was sure that it was stable. I placed both my feet on it and let my weight bear down.
"I found the table. I'm okay," I whispered. Lenore let go of my hand that she was grasping and I shimmied the rest of my body through the window. I slid off the table as quietly as I could and watched Lenore's legs appear through the window. I helped anchor her legs onto the table and soon she was beside me, having been a lot more graceful about the process.
I looked around the basement, although it was hard to make out anything since the only illumination was the shaft of sunlight coming in through the window. It was dusty and I had to control the urge to sneeze.
"Follow me," Lenore said softly. "The basement door is right by the living room. Hopefully we'll be able to hear something."
I followed Lenore's lead, being careful not to bump into anything. We were just about to walk up the stairs when my foot accidentally grazed a box. The sound seemed magnified in the quietness of the basement and I froze, sure that Simon heard it and was about to fling open the basement door any second.
"Quiet," Lenore hissed as she stilled as well. Seconds seemed like minutes as we froze, but no one opened the basement door. I breathed a sigh of relief as Lenore continued her progress up the stairs and motioned for me to follow.
I could see a crack of light beneath the basement door and Lenore sat down on the top step. I would have laughed at the ludicrous sight of a grown woman putting her ear against the door, straining to hear voices, if I hadn't been so tense and anxious.
"I can hear them," she whispered.
Them?
I sat down and put my ear close to the crack underneath the door and my heart jumped when I not only heard Simon's voice, but Sarah's voice as well. They sounded far away, but close enough that I could hear everything they were saying.
"We've searched the whole house," Sarah said with exasperation. "There's nothing here to find."
"I know this has something to do with her aunt. I'm positive that she came back here to see her." My heart ached when I heard Simon's voice. He sounded tired and anxious, but hearing his voice made more than worry rush through me. I wanted nothing more than to fling open the door and tell him I was right here, but I might as well have just thrown him to the vardogers.
"We don't know where she is, Simon. No one at the train station would give us any information, and the cab company just laughed when you demanded if a girl with Caitlin's description had used their services."
"She can't have just disappeare
d. Her aunt was the last person she called on her cell phone. And why did she call Claudia? What does she have to do with all of this?"
I cursed myself for leaving my cell phone behind. I had been so distraught from hearing my aunt's screams that I had just wanted to get rid of it, believing that it could somehow be used by the vardogers to track me. It was stupid to leave it at my apartment so that Simon and Sarah could go through it.
"I'm not sure. Jenny has been trying to get a hold of Claudia, but it's like she's disappeared too."
"We have to find her. I know she's in trouble. I can feel it." Simon's voice broke, killing me. "It makes no sense that her aunt has disappeared too, leaving her house unlocked for any intruder to come in."
"Don't you think I want to find her too?" The anguish in Sarah's voice was just as painful. "I've been replaying every damn conversation we've had this past week, wondering if I missed something. If there was some clue I didn't pick up on. But the only thing...the only thing I can think of is how miserable she was. She seemed broken, like she couldn't take anymore. Maybe she couldn't. Maybe that note was meant to be her farewell. Maybe it's no longer possible to find her."
"Stop it!" Simon's voice was harsh, full of pain. "She would never do that! She would never end her life. She would never just leave me like that."
Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't take anymore. Everyone was suffering because of me. I could hear the anguish in Simon and Sarah's voices, and I had no doubt that my other friends back at school were worried as well. I didn't want to even think about what Simon and Sarah had told Grant, Marcus and Jenny about my disappearance.
I started to rise, ready to burst through the door and tell them that I was here. That I was alive. But Lenore grabbed my hand, shaking her head emphatically.
"Don't do it," she hissed.
"But they think I'm dead! They think I killed myself! I can't put them through that."
