by Lindsey Kelk
I’d chosen the worst time to watch The Da Vinci Code on TNT but what could I do? I was a sucker for Tom Hanks.
Knocking politely on the door, I waited.
Nothing.
I knocked again and held Alice up to the peephole, hoping her little face would convince Jenny to open up, but there was still nothing. It was almost five thirty; if she wasn’t home and she wasn’t at work, I didn’t know where she would be.
After one more knock, I gave up and walked back towards the lifts, my heart sinking. I had no idea what the next part of the plan was but I did know it involved me having a wee because I’d drunk a lot of tea and I really should have gone before I left Erin’s house.
‘Angela, hey!’
The lift doors opened to reveal Mason, Jenny’s husband. He gave me a grin and immediately reached out to squeeze Alice’s cheek.
‘Mason, hi,’ I said, manically combing my tangled hair behind my ears. Even though he was my best friend’s husband and I was very happily married, Mason had the kind of intense six-foot-something masculinity that made you come over all flustered, even when I was on a manhunt for his wife.
‘Going out on a limb here,’ he asked, cocking his head for me to follow him back to the apartment. ‘You’re looking for Jen?’
‘I am,’ I said, following him inside and looking longingly at their guest toilet. ‘I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that you’ve spoken to her.’
‘Um, yes,’ he said before taking a long pause. ‘I don’t think we’re going to make the show tonight.’
I covered my face with my hands and groaned.
‘I really need to talk to her,’ I said from inside my literal face palm. ‘You know I didn’t do it on purpose, don’t you?’
‘Listen, I know and so does Jen.’ Mason rested a supportive and actually massive hand on my shoulder. ‘But there’s no talking to her when she’s in this kind of a state, you should know that better than anyone.’
He was right, of course. I was being selfish. I wanted Jenny to feel better but, more than anything, I wanted her to forgive me, tell me she knew I wasn’t responsible for the pain she was in. But in the end, I was. The best thing I could do was to try and dig us both out of the mess I’d created and give her some space.
That would be the sensitive, mature and sensible thing to do.
‘She’s going to be fine,’ Mason insisted. ‘I got Monday off of work, we’re going to go away for the weekend, give her some time and space to calm down.’
‘Yeah, it’s not good for her to be stressed right now,’ I replied, thinking of everything Dr Laura had said. And immediately remembering I wasn’t supposed to know anything that Dr Laura had said. ‘In general, you know, because the world is so stressful and, man, you’ve only got to pick up a newspaper for your blood pressure to go through the roof and—’
Mason held his hands out towards Alice.
‘May I?’
‘You may,’ I confirmed, easing her out of the papoose and into her uncle’s arms.
‘I know you know,’ he said, eyes on the baby. ‘It’s cool. I thought she would have told you right at the beginning. It was dumb of me to say we shouldn’t talk to anyone about it.’
‘Not dumb,’ I said, even though I definitely thought it was at least a little bit dumb. Misguided, perhaps. ‘She just needed to talk to someone about it. Some people do, some people don’t.’
‘Man, I want one of these so bad,’ Mason whispered, bopping Alice on the nose and then snatching his hand away over and over. ‘I never thought it would be this hard. My brother has four kids, none of this hassle.’
‘You just never know,’ I told him, dancing back and forth on the spot. I really was desperate for a wee. ‘My doctors told me I was going to have problems and Al was a complete surprise. Who knows if it’ll be as easy the second time.’
‘You’re going for number two?’ he asked, grinning through his beard.
‘At some point,’ I replied. ‘Not yet.’
‘But how great would it be if we had kids the same age?’
‘So great I think I might wet myself,’ I said, wondering if he’d been speaking to Alex. ‘Is it all right if I use your loo before I go?’
‘Uh-huh,’ he nodded, not even offering to give up Alice. ‘You know she calls it the loo as well?’
‘Really? She always made fun of me for it.’
‘You’re more her wife than she is mine,’ he replied, laughing. ‘That’s why you guys always make up in the end.’
I nodded weakly before locking myself in the bathroom.
If only I believed him.
No matter how many of Alex’s shows I attended, I’d always been so excited to slap on an Access All Areas pass and go backstage before the show. At least I had until tonight. By the time we trotted up, the dressing room was already busy, crowded with friends and people from the venue and well-wishers and, knowing Craig, at least one girl he’d met on Tinder the night before. Such was the burden of the only single man left in a successful band. I saw Graham had taken one for the team and was sitting in a corner looking very suave in his suit and talking to Alex’s overdressed parents. They looked like they were going for a night at the opera, which I hoped they were. They’d shown their faces, no need to stay.
‘Hey.’ Alex stood as soon as we entered, kissing me quickly and taking Alice out of my arms as her overloaded baby bag dropped off my shoulder and into the crook of my elbow. Babies were so small, why were their things so heavy? He guided me over to a slack, spring-less settee, covered with a blue blanket. Even in nice venues, the backstage amenities had usually seen better days.
‘Hey,’ I said, bottom lip trembling. ‘Ready for the big show?’
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked as I curled into his chest and burst into tears. ‘Don’t cry.’
‘We uploaded a video at work and it got Jenny fired and it’s all my fault and now she hates me,’ I said. ‘There’s a longer version where I locked myself out and had to break in and the police came but we can do that one when I don’t feel like I’m about to pass out.’
‘I was gone for half a day,’ Alex replied, his eyebrows furrowing together and he switched his concern from me to Alice and back again. ‘I thought you were gonna say you’ve been stressing about your proposal.’
‘My proposal?’ I collapsed backwards on the settee, somewhere between laughter and tears. ‘I haven’t even looked at my proposal.’
Alex brushed my hair back from my face while I whimpered, staring at the ceiling. It was really very nice. Then I remembered Perry Dickson’s ceiling and Perry Dickson’s vulva and the fact I’d be seeing the rest of Perry Dickson here tonight.
‘What time do you go on stage?’ I asked, closing my eyes. ‘I still need to send Camilla flowers and eat and shoot myself in the head.’
He pulled down the zip on my hoodie to reveal my I Heart New York T-shirt and promptly zipped it back up.
‘Open your eyes and look at me,’ he ordered.
Using my last reserves of strength, I forced open an eyelid and peeked at him through my left eye.
‘I say this with complete love and adoration,’ Alex said. ‘You’re a mess, go home.’
‘No,’ I replied, trying to sit up straight. ‘It’s your big show. I’ll be all right in a bit. I’ll just have a Diet Coke or a coffee or something. Or both. Can you put a 5-hour ENERGY shot in coffee or will that kill you?’
But Alex remained unconvinced.
‘If by Diet Coke you mean cocaine, then maybe you’d be able to make it through the rest of the night,’ he said. ‘But I don’t think that’s a great idea.’
‘You know I won’t do cocaine,’ I wept, looking around the room to make sure no one had heard him. ‘What if my heart explodes and my dad finds out? He’d be so disappointed.’
‘Your dad went to hospital because he OD’d on weed brownies,’ Alex reminded me. ‘And I’m serious. There will be more shows and I will feel better knowing you’re taking c
are of you instead of worrying that you’re back here about to have a heart attack. You brought the baby bag, my mom can look after Al. They don’t want to see us play anyway. They can take her back to the apartment. You need to rest, or work on your proposal or go find Lopez, whatever it is that you’re actually gonna do when you leave here. Although I don’t think I can recommend the resting option strongly enough. Also maybe taking a shower.’
My heart began to pound as I looked back at my husband, the love of my life and father of the year.
‘Are you sure?’ I asked, swallowing back my sobs.
‘Go,’ Alex said, pulling his head away slightly as Alice slapped his face happily. ‘You won’t be happy until you’ve talked to her.’
‘But Mason said I should leave her alone,’ I said quietly. ‘And that does seem like the sensible thing to do.’
‘And since when did you and Lopez ever do the sensible thing?’ he asked, a crooked half-smile softening his eyes. ‘Who loves a dramatic gesture more than Lopez? We don’t go on until ten, you might be back by then. Or I’ll see you after the show. I don’t need you to be here to prove that you love me.’
‘I don’t think there is a way for me to prove how much I love you,’ I said as I pried myself off the sofa. ‘You’re incredible, you know.’
He grinned, standing and pulling my hood up over my head.
‘I do know. But it’s always nice to hear it.’
I put my arms around him and Alice and squeezed as tightly as I dared, feeding on the combination of her sweet baby powder scent and the pure and unmistakable smell of Alex Reid. If I could bottle the two of them, I’d douse myself in it and never shower again. Although he was right, I realized, giving myself a sniff, I definitely could use a shower right now.
‘I’m going.’ I pressed my lips against his while Alice squeezed my finger tightly. ‘I’d say break a leg but definitely don’t.’
‘Wasn’t planning on it,’ he said, kicking me softly in the shin. ‘I love you.’
‘There you are!’
I turned to see Mr and Mrs Reid blocking my exit.
‘We’ve been waiting all night,’ Janet said to her husband. ‘I thought perhaps you weren’t coming.’
‘Here I am,’ I said, my second wind gaining momentum now I was upright again. ‘And I’d love to stay and chat but I’m not going to.’
Blowing right by them, I legged it for the door and pelted full speed down the corridor and out onto the street. Alex was right, I wouldn’t be happy until I’d talked to Jenny. She was free to ignore me but she was definitely going to listen to what I had to say.
Just as soon as I worked out what that was.
People loved to talk shit about Millennials but if there was one thing we were good at, it was finding everything out about a human being using the internet. Give us a technological inch and we will hunt you down like dogs, I thought, following the pin on the Google Map Paige had sent. She’d blocked my number but not Paige’s and, with just five minutes of Google’s help, we had a location.
It took me almost an hour to get there but when I turned the corner onto Lexington Avenue and peered through the steamy window, I saw Jenny slouched against the wall in our booth, an untouched plate of food in front of her and the saddest look on her face.
‘Hello, English Girl!’ the large mustachioed man behind the counter said when I pushed open the door and shook down my hood. ‘We don’t see you in months and now both of you in one night. I am so honoured.’
‘Hi, Scottie,’ I said, mustering a smile before walking over to Jenny.
‘My name isn’t Scottie, it’s Igor,’ he thundered as he stuffed white paper napkins into the dispenser on the counter. ‘I give up with you two.’
Jenny looked up, as though she had been waiting for me, before turning her entire body away to face the wall.
‘I don’t want to talk to you.’
‘I know,’ I said, shuffling into the booth to sit opposite her. ‘But I wanted to make sure you were OK.’
‘Just peachy,’ Jenny rolled her eyes and grabbed the salt shaker, knocking it back and forth across the table. ‘So you can go.’
‘I might get something to eat, actually,’ I said. Twisting against the plastic booth, I waved at Not Scottie. ‘Could I get a bacon, egg and cheese?’
‘Bacon, egg and cheese on an English muffin for the English girl,’ he replied, throwing me an OK sign. ‘Coming right up.’
‘Shouldn’t you be at the show?’ she asked, tossing her head dramatically.
‘Maybe,’ I said lightly.
And then I sat, in silence, waiting for the rest of it.
And then the rest of it came.
‘Today was the worst day of my life,’ Jenny said, gripping the salt shaker so tightly, it was a wonder it didn’t shatter in her hand. ‘I lost my job, I got threatened with a lawsuit and the entire industry is laughing at me. And all because one supposed friend fired me because of something my supposed best friend posted “without thinking”. My stomach is swollen, I’m full of fucking hormones, I’ve never been so hurt or humiliated but, sure, let’s talk about it.’
I mean, where to start?
‘You know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.’ I reached across the table to take her hand but she pulled it away before I could touch her. ‘And I’m doing my best to make it right.’
‘This time your best isn’t good enough.’ She pulled a bunch of bills out of her pocket and tossed them on the table as she stood to leave. ‘I know you don’t believe me but I’m done. This is a real wake-up call. When I look at all the drama in my life over the last few years, who’s at the centre of it, every time? You.’
‘That’s not fair,’ I protested as she pulled her hair out the back of her jacket. ‘And you know it isn’t.’
‘I don’t care,’ she said, not angry, not swearing, just sad. ‘Leave me alone, Angela. Unless there’s some other way you want to ruin my life then, by all means, give it your best shot. If everything goes OK, I have my egg retrieval appointment on Wednesday. You could find some wacky way to stop me getting there on time, fuck this up too?’
She breathed out and shook her head, looking ready to deliver her final blow.
‘I’m done,’ she said simply, digging her hands in her pockets. ‘Bye, Angela.’
And then she left.
‘Bacon, egg and cheese,’ Not Scottie said as he delivered my dinner to the table. ‘English girl, why you cry?’
‘I’ve had a fight with my friend,’ I said, fully aware of how pathetic I sounded.
‘You girls, always with the drama,’ he sighed, sliding into Jenny’s vacated seat. ‘For years you come in here late at night with the fighting and the screaming. Today, you’re not even drunk, the other one either. How come with the tears?’
‘Because I don’t know how to fix it,’ I replied, poking at my greasy sandwich. ‘I’ve really fucked up.’
‘One thing I don’t like is the language,’ he said, handing me a napkin. ‘Another thing, you think too much. Best way to fix things? Go home, work hard, problems fix themselves. You don’t have better things to think about? Come on.’ He slid back out the booth and snatched up my sandwich. ‘I wrap this up and you take it to go. No good sitting here and being sad. Go away, do something else, you will find an answer.’
I watched him shuffle back behind the counter, wiping his hands on his stained apron. He tipped my sandwich into a waiting stack of greaseproof paper, wrapping it once, twice, turning it deftly in his hands before tossing it into a brown paper bag, looking up to check the weather. Rain flickered in an orange halo in front of the streetlight outside and he nodded to himself, dropping the brown paper bag into a white plastic one, printed over and over with the words ‘thank you’.
‘Off you go,’ he said, holding out the bag. ‘And I’ll see you two next time.’
‘Thanks, Scottie,’ I said, with something like renewed hope and an improved appetite. ‘I mean, Igor.’
‘That’s what I’m here for,’ he said as I pulled my hood up against the weather. ‘Advice and sandwiches. You don’t get that from the McDonald’s people. Tell your friends!’
There was still time for me to get back to BAM in time for Alex’s show but something else drove me back towards the apartment and it wasn’t just the thought of relieving Alex’s parents of their babysitting duties or the smell of my delicious sandwich. These were the streets I’d walked when I first arrived in New York and I felt a million memories run up and down my skin, the hairs on my arms prickling with nostalgia. Mine and Jenny’s apartment had been just a block away from Scottie’s Diner and I couldn’t stop myself from walking down to stand outside it and stare.
My entire body shivered from head to toe as the ghosts of me and Jenny, me and Alex, Erin and James, Craig and Louisa and all our other friends poured past me, laughing, singing, crying. Over the years we’d done our share of it all. The longer I stared at the building the more I felt it. Life passed by so quickly. There hadn’t been a single day since I’d arrived in this city that I hadn’t had a thousand things to do, and ever since Alice arrived, it was at least a thousand and one. But I never took the time to register a single second of it and here it was, all rushing back, all at once, and it was overwhelming. I half expected to turn around and see a younger version of myself hopping out of a cab on the corner or running down the street with a Duane Reade bag in one hand, my keys in the other, moments away from another adventure. I had never loved anything like I loved this place. New York, New York, so good they named it twice. The city that never sleeps but always dreams.
With a heavy sigh, I tore myself away, pushing on down the street, passing people as they peeled the plastic off a new drugstore umbrella they would leave in the back of a cab within a week. Others strode by without any such protection. Either they knew the rain would stop soon enough or they didn’t care. New York had a good number of both kinds of people. Of all kinds of people. And Jenny was all of them wrapped up in one. I remembered days when we had run home in the rain, laughing so hard I could barely breathe, let alone worry about the weather, and others when she had screamed the whole way home, holding a plastic bag over her hair to try to keep her curls dry.
